Fairyland USA

Content Warning

This article contains mentions of hunting, mild violence, and extramarital affairs.

Do you want to frolic with prancing unicorns? Do you wish to dance with twinkling fairies? Or do you want to hunt them down to make yourself a delicious meal? We've got the game, you've got the stomach— visit Fairyland USA and get hunting, today!

Ever wanted to get drunk and shoot a mythical creature? Now you can! Here at Fairyland USA, we offer our guests ample space to hunt, camp, and cook as they please!

A Magical Place

Here in Fairyland USA, you'll discover natural wonders the likes of which you won't find anywhere else! The grass and trees are silvery blue, and their leaves are a bright pink— even the water here is full of sparkling glitter! (Don't drink it though, it's poison.) You'll find that the air is alive with magic, filling you with energy you never knew you had— enough to hunt those critters from dawn til dusk! Bring your own guns or rent ours, it's your pick!
We've got bows and arrows, too, for the silent hunter. Prefer to take your prey from up close? No worries! We won't stop you! Neither will our conveniently priced axes, swords, and maces! Set up camp in our designated campsites, complete with fire pits, grills, tanning racks, and outhouses. Not up to sleeping in tents? Don't worry, we've got a variety of cabins available for rent! Don't worry about camping too close to your targets— we've built a wall around the forest— so your prey can't ever hope to escape!
Thirsty? Buy a tap from the gift lodge and pop it into any of the beautiful silver trees you see— and you'll find that their sap is an entirely different golden liquid than you'd expect— beer! Any similarities with Unibrew brand beer is purely coincidental. Clothes on your back not suited for hunting? Have no fear! Keep an eye out for plaidbushes— their giant leaves feel and look identical to the hundredth plaid shirt you were planning on buying anyway! Sew your own, or bring them by our sewing lodge for discounted apparel! Plaid not suited to your hunt? These bushes also come in camo! It's not the right color for our forest— but those stupid animals can't tell the difference, they'll never see you coming!

Don't have time to cook your own meat? Looking for the hottest steaks around? Stop on by The Third Circle Bar & Grill, nestled on the eastern wing of the gift lodge! We've got specialty unicorn steaks, burgers, fairy sliders, and more— only at our Fairyland USA location. So come on by, and eat until you're full— and then some.

Fairyland USA

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Begin your hunt in southern Wyoming! You'll find us off of Yackson Rd., west of Saratoga!

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Hunting season is year round! The critters keep coming, and so will you!

Stop by the gift lodge!

We've got guns, knives, novelty mugs, unicorn-pelt blankets, coats, and boots— and stuffed animals for the kids!
We even sell frames and mounts to display your trophies once you get home!

Your Prey

The game found withing Fairyland USA are unlike those you've ever seen before, read up on what you'll be facing before you grab your gun! Each presents a unique danger not found under normal circumstances. It is also important to note that you can bring home whatever you hunt, or, sell it back to us for coupons and perks— either way, it's your choice!*
*All bodies taken from the forest may turn into glitter upon leaving the premises— the risk is yours to take!

Unicorns

Majestic animals of many a myth, legend, and the object of many children's dreams— and you're going to make sure they never stand again! What do you need to know? Unicorns are a bit different than your average wild horse— for one, they taste a hell of a lot better. For two— they act smarter, though we assure you they are just plain dumb animals and you have no moral quandaries to ponder when you slap their delectable meat onto your grill. First, they may try to "speak" to you— do not be alarmed, this is just their mating call, which only happens to sound like the English words for "don't shoot!" Then they will do one of two things— run away, for they know you're better than them, or charge right at you.
Be careful! Their horns can shoot rainbow-lasers, if you're a thrill-seeker— forget your gun and use a mirror! The dumb animals won't know what hit 'em. (Hint: it was themselves.) Once you've got one down, you'll probably want to take their horn as a trophy— whatever you do, don't touch it with your bare hands. Leave the body for 24 hours before you attempt to take the horn— otherwise you'll be filled with magical energy, and explode into a cloud of rainbow-tinted viscera.

Fairies

They may look like tiny humans with pretty opalescent wings— but believe us, they are much worse. Fairies spend most of their days inebriated, as they consume the sap of the silver trees around them for most of their sustenance. As a result, they bumble around the forest, hitting their heads against trees, pranking and terrorizing other wildlife.
Common victims include the double rainbow finch, which is also native to the forest— by plucking their feathers as they sleep, pushing their eggs from their nests, or calling them names. On several occasions, guests have fled the forest crying due to a fairy's words. Other guests have had their guns tampered with— dying upon trying to fire them next, their hair shaven off, been urinated on, or had their partners leave them as the result of a prank call using their stolen phones.
Because they frankly deserve it, your best bet is to trap them— given their size. You can simply place nets between trees, or bait them with beer and unicorn meat. The gift lodge gives away nets and various traps for free, and will offer discounts to guests who catch fairies on/near the premises.

Heyyy, lis'n! Ya' kno wha u are? Ur a...a !@#$#!! @!@$!!@&%#$ !@#$#@&$!% @#!# lazy #$@!@! @#$%&&@#! and yer mum's a &@#!!$$#@! .

— A beautiful fairy

Other notable, though not tasty, critters include the Wrogie Bird— whose songs sound extraordinarily like those sung by the famed rock band known as The Scroingoes— and legally, we must state that this is pure coincidence.
Wisps dart around during the night, in extraordinarily complex dances that do absolutely nothing to aid your hunting. They can't even be caught! Chasing them tends to land guests in danger, as well, so we strongly advise that everyone avoid the bright dancing lights.
And to the observant eye— one will find that the ground is teeming with a variety of colorful and strange insects— which can be used to distract your children while you get them their dinner.

Those birds have been around longer than their stupid band! Why the hell are they suing us again? Look— we don't have time for this, lets just pretend that the birds don't sound alike and they'll probably get off our backs.

— Vay Joyce, site director.

Viability Report

Number of Incidents: 23
Threat Level: Gum Wrapper
If Dr. Milds is to be believed, this could present a very real threat to humanity. However, I believe her story to be potentially false— please read the logs below to see for yourself what, exactly, I mean by this.
Incident/Experiment/Test Logs for A-44

Incident #44-6
Date: 2/1/2009
Location: Bryce Pond
Anomaly involved: Group of fairies
Civilians involved: Man 1
Man 1 was fishing in the pond, despite the clear lack of fish within it— and had fallen asleep. A nearby group of fairies took note of this, and drunkenly began to push his chair over the water. Thankfully, the man floated on his back once they managed to get him to the pond— unfortunately, he could not swim. Upon waking several hours later, the man flailed about helplessly before finally drowning. A family came upon the scene hours later, where the fairy culprits were still laughing over the pond.

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Written log #44-1
Note: Excerpts from reports written by Dr. Bryce Milds, head researcher and member of the original field team on the site.

This place is simply amazing. I'm so glad I met Jamie while working with the ACF, or I'd have to hide this amazing wonder from him. We've both been camping out together beneath this gorgeous silver tree! It's straight out of a fairy tale. I believe we aren't alone out here, either— we've been hearing singing at night, like a chorus of angels. Maybe we'll have to take a proper vacation out here one day. Our plan for now is to venture further into the forest— see what we may be missing.
-2 weeks later-
We've become close friends with the unicorns by now! It's been absolutely amazing— they've even willingly let us take samples. I already sent back blood, hair, and stool to the foundation— I think we can learn a lot from these wonderful creatures. Maybe "creatures" isn't apt— they speak English! They're sapient! Jamie was the first to break the ice— and one of them even let him ride them yesterday! Hopefully I'll get there soon, but in the meantime— I'm happy he's happy.
-1 week later-
Jamie is spending a lot of time with that unicorn— her name is apparently "Sah'la"— I may have to call in for aid since he's not been around to help me with our job here as much as he should. Still, I'm sure he's just caught in the wonder of this place as I am— I'll have a talk with him tonight.
-1 day later-
He refuses to talk to me. I called "Sah'la" "Salad" as a joke and it made him really upset. I haven't seen him since. A fairy pissed in my coffee this morning so it's really not my day.
-1 day later-
Jamie came back— I apologized but he seemed distant. When he didn't respond to my apology I got angry— yelled at him for spending all his time with Sah'la. What if she's dangerous? The foundation has several mind-altering creatures in containment, what if the unicorns are changing him and he doesn't even notice? He hated that idea, and stormed back off into the forest.
Without me.
-3 days later-
He left me. He says he's moving in with Sah'la— he only stopped by to get his things. I think I saw a tear running down his cheek when he turned to say goodbye— but I just stared at the ground in silence, so I'll never really know. The unicorns are dangerous, and want to take away everything we love from us— I'm sure of it.
-1 week later-
I heard them talking last night— the unicorns— they want to take over the world, crush humanity into nothing but dust. We have to do something.
-End Log-

Viability: Fair

It is in my opinion that this park continues operating, until we can determine the truth behind Dr. Milds' discovery— as no other personnel have found evidence to support her claims. However, they are difficult to either prove or deny— and if what she says is true, the continuing hunt and lockdown of the beings within is favourable— as it offers us both profit, and safety.

— Bwanbale ████, Viability Reviewer