Chapter 4, The Writing on the Walls
***
"And how should I feel? How do you scrub that feeling away? It only clings deeper into my skin the more I try? Please, I know you listen, so how am I supposed to feel? Is this supposed to be glory? Is this supposed to be my reward? I do as you ask, yet, I am unsure. I ask you, please. Grant me yet another day..."
***
Year of Wrath, Season of Heat D.54
That raid on the Iron Trader went perfectly. The merchant refused to tell us how to take care of the equipment, but that hardly mattered at this point. Several of the boys were outfitted with breastplates and iron greaves. A few shields were mixed in as well. I did ask the merchant though if this was going to hurt his business. I had begun to understand that these people we held up we trying to make a living. Not many in the clan even gave it any thought. I figured not making these travelers destitute would bring them back again for another round later on.
He was shocked that I asked. Told me I had some nerve. I tossed a bag full of copper coins at his feet. He was confused, but he told me that his business will be fine, all we really had done was delay him. The city had more than enough cheap iron to remake the suits we were taking. He talked a bit of his business, talked about the unfair taxes levied on his goods for coming into the actual city. I didn't really understand that, but he was very animated about it, made the boys laugh.
He was slightly more amendable, though he did say this was the most one sided ripoff he had ever had the displeasure to deal with. I told him that's fine, the coin will cover something. We left and he got on his way. The Clan wanted to know why I paid him, I asked since when have we ever used money? They paused, shook their heads, and left my decision to me.
The Chief wanted to know who was worthy to have the armor. Hob refused it, moron said he had no use for armor. Ghet didn't want it, though he did express interest in that padded jacket the Iron Trader called a gambeson. Merchant said they are a little lighter than metal. Vigi, Vil, Til, Yvet, and Ghord all got the armor. They were all beyond themselves at the extravagant gift, they wouldn't stop talking about it for days. I would not take the armor until all the boys had something.
There was a look in the Chief's eye, I didn't understand what it was about though. He seemed more annoyed these days when my crew came back with something, I wonder if he was just getting tired of going through the motions of the offerings. All the boys complained about the chaffing after practicing in it though. We really couldn't come up with a solution, as we hadn't really experienced this before. This was the first time in living memory that the clan had metal armor, and not just leather and layers of cloth. I pretty much told them they were just going to have to get used to it.
I tried listening in on a few smiths outside of the city gates, though none of them talked about this issue. Why wouldn't anyone talk about it, I needed to know for the sake of the boys. I spent far too much time trying to do this, almost got caught again a few times. I almost was able to hear something relevant when something called a Consul came to one of the smiths dockside. He said that the jackets were too snug under the armor and needed to be resized. Though I never got to hear what the jackets were for before a Guard patrol came by.
The practice we did in the new equipment was more about staying quiet in it. The armor creaked and caught on every little branch and blade of grass. We had to relearn how to move, the boys found it more exhausting to do anything. So we started from there, had the boys train in the armor at all times, we had to build their stamina back up. I also made all the boys including Hob and Ghet wear it to get used to it. They complained about it, but I told them that we should be on the look out for this type of thing again so everyone can get a set. When everyone had a set, everyone would already be used to this. Wouldn't have to deal with this over and over.
Day after day, the boys were tired, but we're getting better at it. They were able to go longer. We did a few more raids, but we left the armor out of it. I didn't want the City getting news of our new equipment, plus I didn't think the boys were used to the armor enough to go on raids with them.
We were able to get more food, a lot of dry goods for once. Small wagon that was heading to the Outer Fields from the western mountains. The second the young man saw us, he bolted and left the wagon behind still full. We took the entire thing, wagon and beast back to the clan. One of the hold ups had more armor, but it was human sized. If only we could raid a dwarven caravan or a gnomish one, then we'd have something my boys could use.
Day after day the boys got used to it. They were even starting to move quietly through the grass again. It still sounded different though, it sounded more real somehow, harsher, more tonal. Like it echoed through the air. But, they were getting back to how they were used to moving, so I'd say for a few weeks worth of work, this has been phenomenal. We did our first raid with Yvet in the armor. He felt the most comfortable in it, was the most competent in it. The smile he had when he was finally able to do everything he used to be able to was infectious.
We stalked a wagon for a while, the wagon was open sided on the eastward end, I suppose this was so they could keep a cross breeze. Seemed like it was carrying cloth. It was full of bright colors, and pretty patterns. I could hear someone playing a string instrument inside. We speared the wheel on the wagon and brought it to a halt. We waited until they came out to look at the damaged wheel. Waited a little longer until they had their backs turned to us, sun in their eyes. We waited until they started looking around, they took a moment to look out at the bay. Maybe they thought they had just got bound up in a rock or stick.
We appeared out of the grass, spears pointed at them. "Pick a box in your wagon, and fill it with as much cloth as you can fit in it." I sauntered out in the open and grabbed their attention.
"What? What is this? What's going on?" The man stood up from the wheel a hammer in his hand. Knuckles turning white with the force he was gripping the hammer. He had evergreen eyes and a wide brown mustache, though his hair was beginning to turn grey at his temples. He looked out at me, and asked "Who are you?"
"Doesn't matter, Give us what we want and there wont be any blood." The woman that was with them, tried to hide behind the two men. She had long brown hair very similar to the mans, it fell to the back of her knees. She was almost swimming in it. "There really doesn't need to be a fight, we won't take everything, just what you can fit in the box." I pointed at a big empty crate in the wagon.
"You won't hurt my wife, or my son?"
"No" I tried to force them to believe me. We honestly wouldn't hurt them as long as they didn't try anything funny. The older man huffed.
He walked around and climbed into the wagon, and beckoned his wife and son inside as well. He told them both to sit down, and be quiet. That they would be safe and sound soon. They began whispering something I couldn't quite make out. The older man began filling the box with cloth, and the younger man moved farther into the wagon and looked like he was adding something to the box as well. There was the sound of a sharp twang.
Yvet knocked me down, and yelled "Protect Ilgor!" As a bolt shot out from the wagon and hit him square in the chest. Yvet went down. He fell heavy, his head bouncing off the rough stones on the road. I ordered an the boys to spear the wagon and drag the humans out.
After the flurry of movement, another bolt was shot, it didn't hit anything. The spears tore through he fabric walls of the wagon. Hob and Ghet jumped in the thing there was a sound of a scuffle. The sound of metal hitting metal for a few seconds then the woman screamed. We dragged out the two men's bodies, and surveyed what had happened. I ran over to Yvet, the bolt had dented his armor, but didn't penetrate through it. I grabbed his hand and asked if he was okay. "Well, it's going to hurt tomorrow, but I like this armor, I'm alive."
He took his hand away from under his armor where he had been holding pressure on this chest. We took his armor off him, to see if he was bleeding. He wasn't, but he was clearly in pain, but it looked like the blunt force from the bolt hitting his armor and knocking him to the ground did more than any actual harm.
"Gunna have a bruise the size of your head is more like it." I hugged him, just happy he was still here. He grunted from the pressure on his chest, but he laughed anyway.
The woman came out next, she was crying. Despondent, not listening to anything we were telling her. We offered her some water, tried asking why they attacked us when we warned them what would happen. But, she said nothing, just tears falling to the ground.
"What do you want to do with her?" Hob asked me. I thought for a long while. Was she worth keeping alive? Was she going to be a bigger issue than if we left her alive?
"You know what, a battered woman returning to the city with this story wouldn't be good. Definitely is going to get the attention of the city watch." I sighed heavily, coming to the only decision that would keep the Clan safe.
"Kill her." I said dispassionately, I tried my absolute damnedest to dissociate from this. I didn't want to see this. They did as I told them, all three were dead by my command. The silence that followed was worse than hearing the woman cry. I didn't like it. It felt somehow strange to hold these peoples lives in my hands like that. I was unsure of how the other raid leaders dealt with this. Was it always like this? Maybe I'd have to ask. Maybe.
But what choice did I have. It would be better to make this disappear than for a lone survivor go on with a horror story. Besides they attacked us first. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep every hold up peaceful, but I didn't realize how traumatic this was going to be.
"Bring the wagon, dump the bloody cloth on the side of the road. Deep in the grass, I don't want it seen from horseback. Put the humans in the back of the wagon and try not to let their blood soak anything else. Someone help me carry Yvet. He's fine but he will need help getting back." I barked my order and everyone obeyed. Ghet and Til hurried over to grab Yvet, he put his arms around them and they shouldered him and began walking back.
I told them to cover the wagons tracks, and to get rid of the bolts on the side of the road. The less evidence of what happened here, the better. No trackers looking for bodies, no fight, nothing. I personally made sure that the raid site was left with nothing. You couldn't even tell we had been there, besides a few very small drops of blood that I kicked dust over. We made our way back to the Clan. The two beasts of burden came with us as they were pulling the cart. They were odd creatures, not quite reptilian, but not quite cattle. Lets see what the Chief would want to do with them. Told the crew to cover the tracks, and to right the grass we bent behind us as we moved the wagon.
When we got back, there was a certain fanfare about the clan after they saw us come back with an entire wagon. The Chief was ecstatic, the High Priestess was proud, I was in a foul mood. I didn't think this warranted a celebration, I still felt wrong. We put the Clan at risk for this, for some lousy colorful cloth and some dried meat. At least when we did this before, we didn't have to kill an entire family.
We went through the motions for the offerings, the High Priestess even went through the trouble of doing a more complicated prayer on my behalf. I didn't even hear it. I kept my eyes on the ground in front of me, and waited to be dismissed by the Chief. I didn't even hear that and had to be punching in the arm by Hob to get my attention back to what was in front of me. I looked up to see everyone staring at me, I bowed and said "Thank you Chief, thank you all for the attention." The Chief huffed but then dismissed us.
I went to the stream north of the village to be alone for a while. I wanted to think for a while. The sun was beginning to set, painting the sky in a mosaic of rose colored clouds, streaked with pleasant azures and deep purple. The stars beginning to wink into the night sky, announcing to all their grandeur and scale. The water slowed in this section of the stream and made a rough oxbow in the soft sand. The dark slate rock face behind the oxbow was still warm from the heat of the day. I could still see the emerald water lapping at the sides of the wall. It seemed to glow with that same brilliant green as the last rays of light hit it. I slid into the cool water.
I tried to relax my nerves, but couldn't. I rubbed my eyes and felt the bags under them already. The worry, the safety for the family, just kept eating at me. I rested my head against the rock wall, as the water flowed endlessly on. I couldn't shake this feeling, that I had just done something vile. For what? For a bit of material wealth? For the betterment of the Clan? I really couldn't pinpoint it.
The sun had fully set and the frogs began to sing. The cricket chirps doing their best to drown out my thoughts. The woman's face swam in my mind as I closed my eyes, I saw the despondent look in in her rich blue eyes. They were all I saw, they seemed to be immense, all encompassing. I opened them again, and shook my head. I had to let this go, could I? Did I want to let this go?
I sunk low in the water so that only the top half of my head was above it. Felt my braid slowly come unraveled, and float around me in a familiar blanket around my shoulders. I heard an owl hoot somewhere in the distance and the howl of a vixen somewhere in the darkness. It was disquieting sound, something to wake you in the dead of night in a cold sweat. That reminded me of the woman screaming in the wagon again. I didn't see the look on her face as the boys fought with her family and won. I didn't want to imagine it. Yet, here I was, thinking up the look of horror, that shock, that fear.
I stood up, my clothes sticking to my skin. The soft cloth feeling like brambles against it. I couldn't get comfortable, every movement more irritating than the last. I couldn't stand it, I pulled all of it off and threw it on the banks. Wrapped my arms around myself, sat heavily back back in the water, wishing to wash away the sins. Wash away the sound of those men's bodies hitting the ground as the boys pulled them out of the wagon. The moon had risen in all it's glory. A brilliantly full thing, illuminating the water around me in a muted blue.
I saw the pride in the mans eyes, the innocence in the young mans face. The fire in the old mans anger as he told his boy to shoot at us. It felt like it all happened in slow motion as my mind played it out for me, unprompted. The old man handing the crossbow to the son, pulled the trigger and the string twang in an endless reverberation. I heard my own words as I gave the orders. Why did it sound so loud? Why was I yelling my commands? Was I yelling? I don't remember, I couldn't have been, could I? The words "Kill her" echoing in the distant halls of my mind, over and over.
I tried scrubbing my skin, distract myself. But, was this just an futile attempt to not feel so dirty? I scrubbed my skin raw, this wasn't enough. Then scrubbed more till I bled, the skin on my hands and arms broken and weeping. I had to force myself to stop. I know this wasn't going to help. I know this wasn't going to change anything. Was I trying to feel the pain they did? I don't know. I don't think I could, at least not for the woman's sake. Those teary blue eyes floated in my thoughts again. The moon was halfway across the sky now.
I heard a stick break, turning to face the noise, it was Ghet watching me. His eyes reflecting the light in a way that they seemed to glow. They were all I noticed as he approached the pool in the stream. He noticed the wet clothes on the bank, noticed my bloody skin. He walked into the water and sat next to me. I covered my chest with my arm, but sat down next to him anyway. We didn't speak for quite some time, the moon had almost set, the sky beginning to brighten. I just held his company in the silence. The silence was broken only by the soft sound of the water flowing past us, and our own breathing.
"The regret" He finally said, "No, it doesn't get any easier. It never does. You will remember. You won't forget." I stayed silent. Felt my hair slowly start to swirl around Ghet's body. Pulling me slightly.
"I've seen more death than I really care for." He looked over at me, straight into my eyes, he looked as tired as I did. "They won't admit it, but we all feel bad about it the first few times. None of the raider ever show it, or they try and do it this way like you. Some of us get over it, some of us learned to deal with it. Some of us can't, but never show it."
"Maybe I'm one of the last ones." I breathed out.
"Maybe, Maybe not." He lapsed in the conversation. The quiet between us wasn't uncomfortable, though it did feel like far more needed to be said. It felt like this moment dragged on for far longer than the moon would have said. "Do you find it strange that we live off the suffering of others? I only ever really thought about it after you start sparing people."
I looked over to him, he had his head held low, looking down at his lap in the water. His long grey hair just barely touching the surface of the water. His eyes seemed distant, like he wasn't really here. He leaned his head back against the rock wall, and the small ribbon he held his hair with in his ponytail came loose and floated down the stream. He breathed in deep, and let out and exhausted noise.
"I can't place it. I don't really..." He trailed off for a moment. "You know I don't hate the City, the Guards, the humans, the dwarves, the gnomes. It just, seems like this is the way it has always been. I think all the retribution we've gotten back in the past was always deserved. I'm well aware we poke the bear, play with fire. But, then again, we also have to keep the ones we love safe and happy too." He was quietly speaking. I was unsure whether he was actually trying to convey something to me, or just speaking his thoughts out loud.
"I feel it too. Why do we do this? I don't really understand. Do you think if the raiders really didn't kill as much, we'd be better off?" I asked him.
He took his time answering, he was watching the stars slowly drift across the brightening night sky. It was beginning to turn that deep purple right before dawn. "I think something needs to change, because I still hear that woman's screams as well, Ilgor."
"How long we're you standing there?" The sun had began to crest the horizon. The light striking the top of the rock wall behind us.
"Long enough to see you hurting." He got up out of the water, and walked back to stream bank. "I thought I'd let you know, you're not the only one thinking about it, besides the village is also asking where you are."
I got up, and Ghet stayed turned around while I got dressed in my now damp clothes. We walked back to the village together, when we saw the caves he went in his own direction. I walked back to the cave with my bedroll in it. I lied down for a while and tried to sleep, but couldn't.
After all was said and done, the Chief said some of his raiders wanted to join me and my crew. He seemed displeased about it, but told me he gave them permission to do so. "What did you want to do with the humans bodies?" I asked my Chief.
"We were planning on eating them" I felt a cold seep into my chest and arms as he said it. The horrified look on my face made him pause. He raised an eyebrow and continued, "Why do you care about these people so much, I know you haven't had human meat before, its not often they get brought back into the village like this." He paused as he noticed me looking up at him, I could feel my eyes start to get red and itchy "Ilgor stop looking at me like that."
I didn't want this.
I didn't know how to handle this, I didn't even know why I felt so bad about all this. They weren't my people, maybe it was the look on the woman's face. Maybe, I don't know. I wanted my peace of mind back. I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing again. "I would like to have Mother help bury them with me, Chief." My voice was shaky, on the very edge of breaking.
"The Priestess is a little busy at the moment, Ilgor, she is busy blessing the cloth that was brought yesterday." I walked up to him and rested my head on his bulk. Wrapped my arms around myself again, like I did in the water.
"Please Chief, let me do this." I felt tears run down my face. Felt my face flush fully now "I don't know why I want to bury them, but this just feels wrong Da'"
He put his hand on my head and hugged me. "Ilgor" He sighed, I could tell he felt the scabs running up my arms, I didn't have to see his face to know the frown there. The look in his eyes soften. There was a very long pause before either of us spoke. "Fine, you may bury them. You know, I never realized just how compassionate you are. Is that why you spare so many on the raids?"
"I don't know, Da'" I gasped out, tears still falling down my face.
He left me alone, and a short while later, the Priestess came to me. Three boys in tow with the humans being dragged behind them. She told me that we should get this done quickly and that the Chief had told her about the moment. We found a spot outside of the village, and buried them.
We dug deep graves for them so things wouldn't dig them back up. Huffing for air, the three boys left at the direction of the High Priestess. She sat with me for some time, she put her arm around me and we sat there, watched the breeze run though the trees like a crazed squirrel running through the leaves. I stared down at the raw skin on my hands. I thought it was least I could do for them.
I built a small cairn of stones for them.
***
I had nightmares about the City coming to attack the village that night. Woke up far too many times with a cold sweat on my skin. Thinking I smelled smoke from the caves, thinking I heard the family screaming. It felt so real, the caves filled with fire, all my boys dead, my Priestess, my Chief. All our hard work gone. For nothing. The blood pouring in rivers from our beds. I know it was just a nightmare, but this was a reality that was possible. If this was how the clan was going to continue to operate, this was a possibility. The night seemed oppressive, the night sky visible at the cave entrance making me feel small.
I walked out to see the stars. Thinking to distract myself until I could sleep again. I watched the clouds drift by in the full moon light. The stars twinkling serenely, different to cares and worries of the world. It just made me feel even smaller, in the vast expanse of the sky before me. The waves crashing against the shore, just making me more aware of the passage of time. In, out, crash every three seconds. I still was the family from the wagon in my mind.
I didn't sleep much that night...
