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Into Empty Lands

Over 50.000 people used to live here...Now it's a Ghostown.
— Varis Ederon, First Centurion of Chaironea
 

-Attention!-

  These documents are classified as C5, meaning either the original or first-rate copy of said texts. Therefore access is to be granted only:  
  • to members of the Archives of Chaironea ranked Senior Archivar or above
  • in specialised reading rooms I9 - I12
  • under highest security measures
  • to outsiders under all of the above, with definitive approval by the High Archivar and under guard (3 guards per visitor)
 

Document Overview

  Title: Into Empty Lands
Author: Varis Ederon
Classification: HI-O-A2-C5-S1
Number of Copies: 10
Location: Archive 3, Special Section 4, Aisle 2, Compartment N2    
What began as a simple diplomatic mission turned into a journey that would uncover one of the most mysterious and harrowing events in history. The following notes were taken from the personal journal of Varis Ederon, leader of the first expedition to venture north in the aftermath of the Desolation.
— Intro from the revised edition by Master Archivar Adrian Modaris, est. 2466 DA
   

Addendum I. - Historical Basis

  Excerpt from: In search of the past. Findings of the archaeological excursion following the stations of the Ederen Expedition. p 43
  Conducted by: Historical Archive of Chaironea 03.05 - 12.08 1200 DA   Lead by Senior Archivar Ridra Villeris   ...Despite extensive research and excavation attempts, the expedition leadership had to accept the fact that the overwhelming majority of locations and markers mentioned in the log are irrevocably gone. Of the most important noted...only the Mines of Magrid remain and the ominous aura (as noted by Segeris)...which drove our party to near insanity on the first night prevents any excavation attempts. As to the horrifying effect of the Desolation, the occurrences at the mine give more credence to the thought, that the event in early 793 DA was not natural. Despite repeated counterarguments by factions within the administration... This theory is only further strengthened by later reports...The purges between 810 and 821 DA are prove enough...
   

Addendum VI. - Psychological Effects

  Excerpt from: Shadow on the Mind. An analysis of the psychological repercussions suffered by northern colonists.   Written by: Medicar Vergil Artarin, Senior Medicar at the Hospicia Cara Veii, dated 807 DA     ...Illnesses of the mind, while each containing a basic group of symptoms, appear different from patient to patient. While we cannot say with any amount of certainty why this is the case, the sciences dealing with the mind are still only in their infancy, after all, we know that they vary from person to person. Not so in regards to the "Desolate Touch".   Colonists returning from the north alive all share the exact same symptoms:  
  • a psychological condition similar to what is known as "Battle Trauma"
  • phases of utter panic when dealing with silence (patients require constant sound even during sleep)
  • heavy night terrors leading in some cases to heart attacks or difficulty in breathing
  • episodes of isolation, general unresponsiveness even when faced with physical trauma
  This alone is quite the oddity among the known mental afflictions. Even stranger is the seemingly "unbiased" character of the affliction. Heritage, status, physical health, prior mental state, none of these seem to matter. The individuals will travel north and return after a period of 5 to 10 days, often in either manic or traumatized states. The mentioned symptoms will then manifest immediately. As of now no type of therapy has seen any success...
Type
Journal, Personal
Medium
Paper
Authors
by Darkseid
  On Sikirians   The last of the great tribes to form what became later known as one of the Northern Hegemonies. Experts in cavalry combat they ruled vast swaths of the north from the 740s on. The event known as the Desolation changed that. In late 793 DA, the entire population of northern Vardania disappeared seemingly overnight. Some claim that over a million people vanished leaving only empty houses and fields.  
by Darkseid
  Purging the Silence   Repeated attempts to recolonize the empty north ended in disaster. Colonists would move into the abandoned towns only to leave them in a manic frenzy a few days later. Madness and terror were common sights among those unfortunate enough to try. The silence never left...   Finally, the Vardanians had enough. Beginning in 810 DA the city-state of Chaironea and Rhovarin Kingdom sent military expeditions north. Torching every building they could find, they left the north a wilderness. Humans did not return until the early 11th century.  
The land is cursed! Cursed I tell you. It took the Sikirians. It poisons the mind, drains the life from the body. Leaves hollow and soulless men. The north has to be cleansed! Burn it until nothing is left!
— Varis Ederon

Cover image: by Wes Wheeler

Comments

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May 23, 2019 01:09 by Stormbril

I like the article a lot! How is your word count on it? I ask because I'd love to see another entry or two in the document, near the end (somewhere near the last 3 entries of the journal). I want to see more of what happened! That and I think the jump to the last entry in the article might be a bit strong? Not too sure though.   I like the setting and the formatting as well. The maps look really well done, and fit nicely on the side bar.   The only other thing, when reading through it the first time, I was a bit confused about the "Brickman's Rock" section of the main page, before I read the documents/journal. Not sure what could be done to alleviate that confusion, though it could more than likely just be my tired brain!   Overall, great job, really.

May 23, 2019 07:33 by Leech Bog

In a few of your entries, 'maniac' is being used as an adjective when it's a synonym. 'Manic' is the term you're looking for. Would heavily recommend a spellchecker for your punctuation/grammar/spelling mistakes. All should be easily picked up by most online scans, I'm assuming. If not, I'd tell you to focus on punctuation and the construction of complete sentences, fragmented sentences, and when to use a comma/semicolon. No big issues here since it's easily fixable with some commitment to proofreading. It's almost a shame because your word choice and descriptions are breathtaking. If this is a stylistic decision (since I see that most everything outside the document itself is near perfect) then forget I said this at all.   As a note for future journals, I highly encourage the use of active voice. Journaling is done when thoughts are fresh or muddled to help iron them out. Thus the writer themselves will be remembering/piecing things together. It adds a breath of reality to any personal scripts. It can help if you journal something yourself, wait a week, then read it over with fresh eyes. There is a specific manner to jotting down thoughts; the ideas are usually forming, not already formed. The breaks in-between entries should be full of development and the writer should return different each time.   While some may dislike the abrupt end (and I do think the lack of length adds to how jarring it is), journals are visited daily, not hourly. I think it's entirely realistic to have the last entry bump up the heat a few good notches. People won't write down things that don't matter to them, and someone falling into mania (or paranoid schizophrenia? might be good to get a better heading for this idea) will either fill eight journals front to back with their thoughts or have no time to write at all. Mania and schizophrenia are vastly different issues, on another note. I don't think this writing was intended to step into this terrain (anything dealing with 'madness' will in some way), but studying the basics of different personality disorders and their diagnostic criteria would prove useful. Specifics in this area are not necessary but basic knowledge is crucial to portray anything moderately convincing.   Your writing itself deserves its own applause. I'm certain you are aware of your skill in conveying thoughts and images through words. I would adore a good article where you describe your heart out; just take a big chunk of space and tell me all about how a landscape looks from where you're standing over it. /That's/ something I would read the hell out of. This is an equally enjoyable piece.

May 23, 2019 20:39

Overall, the article is pretty good! I enjoyed the read and I really wonder what the heck is going on up there. Desolation indeed! Are you planning on writing any more about it?   First of,   50,000 is an oddly specific and even number. I might suggest changing it to something that feels more natural, like "Over fifty thousand.." or "Once a thriving city.."   In the same quote, I would also consider adding a title to his name, to give us an idea who he is. Without that, there's no information, so it's just a name (and the character link leads to a access denied).  

Title: Into Empty Lands Author: Varis Ederon Classification: HI-O-A2-C5-S1 Number of Copies: 10 Location: Archive 3, Special Section 4, Aisle 2, Compartment N2
  Consider bolding the titles (author, classification, etc) to make them stand out and be distinguished from the information bits. :)  
The following notes were taken from the personal journal of Varis Ederon, who lead the expedition and detail some of his more important findings in the lands of the Sikirian Hegemony.
  Instead of "who lead", consider going something like... "the personal journal of Varis Ederon, leader of the expedition." - the last bit "details of.." could be safely cut, or moved to another sentence with some more details. That it contains important information is probably safe for readers to assume. :)  
As to the unnatural/horrifying effect of the Desolation described to a lesser extent by Ederon and fully in later journals,
  "unnatural/horrifying" reads a little odd, and you use horrifying already just above. I think you could change it to a single word, either pick unnatural or change it up a bit, or even cut it.  
As to the unnatural/horrifying effect of the Desolation described to a lesser extent by Ederon and fully in later journals, the occurrences at the mine give more credence to the thought, that the event in early 793 DA was not natural despite repeated arguments by factions within the administration.
  This entire sentence is pretty long and gets a bit muddled. Split up in to or even three to give each bit some more attention and focus. I'm also not sure how anyone could consider a random field of insanity to be natural.. :D  
Brickmans Rock
  This entire section feels a bit out of place. He doesn't seem to have anything to do with the Desolation or the expedition. Why is it here? What do you think it adds to the article? :)   The side-panels are pretty good, but consider Leechy's comment about using an active voice instead of passive :)   Minor note: "Madness and Terror were common sights among" - terror should not be capitalized.   Onto the Journal!  
I am to lead a diplomatic/scouting mission up north
  I'll admit I've not read many journals from the middle ages, but the slash there seem out of place to me. It's not how I might expect someone from the time/setting to write.
on the Kingdoms northern border before heading into the lands of the Sikirians. It was only a matter of time really.[quote]   Kingdom shouldn't be capitalized. Comma before "really", or cut it. :)   [quote]"No sign, no messenger.
  "no sign" feels a little sudden. I assume he means "no sign of them", but it would probably be improved by expanding upon this bit, just a little.  
And it's not just traders. No signs of border patrols, no military activity.
  I would suggest altering this into one sentence, to make them less choppy (unless, as Leechy said, it's a stylistic choice). If you removed the "And" in the beginning and removed the period, make some minor adjustments, and I think it'll read easier.  
now...Something strange is going on in the north...
  Missing space. Also, the three periods at the end there feels a little manufactured - in that, I don't think that's how someone (particularly not a military commander type) would write his journal.  
We hadn't encountered a single living soul until now and this village, Nedrin as a road sign said, proved no different.
  The part about the village name reads a little awkwardly. I'd have a thunk about it and maybe rewrite that particular part.  
Silence, only the wind strove softly through the empty streets.
  This comes back to the "would someone write their journal like this?" part - especially the "softly" bit. I think there's a more effective and more fitting sentence here that conveys the same thing (and more!), so something to think about having a second go at, perhaps :)  
Enclosures had been broken, the animals fled in what seemed a maniac stampede.
  Here we come to a bit of "show, don't tell" - how can he tell it's a manic stampede, as opposed to a regular stampede? What do the enclosures look like that would make a reader think of such a frenzy, without being told?  
Finding no further hints as to the fate of their owners we decided to continue north.
  This would read better with an active voice. "We could find no further hints.."  
Scaling the increasingly steep terrain of the mountains that mark the border we made camp near their crest.
  Same here. We scaled the hills, or we climbed the up to the crest. "increasingly steep terrain" is a bit clunky and could probably be chopped down to either of those two, as well.  
In the shadow of a stone pillar, upon which the legendary outlaw Markus Brickman had found his end, we discussed our next move.
  This also reads a little clunky. It'd probably be better without that aside in the middle, and a more active voice overall. We made camp near the stone pillar where Marks met his end to discuss our next move, etc.  
departure...but now as I stared into this endless expanse...A strange feeling settled in my gut. But now they seemed...off...somehow wrong...almost consuming in their emptiness.
  More missing spaces :)  
Slowly I followed them unto the plains.
  Starting with slowly makes it read kind of weird. I would expect it to start with "I followed them" or something like that - him doing something.   The last three log entries could use with just a general pass of rewriting. Give it a few days, come back to them - you said you had some words left, so adding another entry or two to show a more gradual descent could do some good. It feels a little rushed right now, and a little unexplained - visit city, run off after two hours. So, consider adding some more! :D   Overall, good stuff as always! Always a pleasure to read!


Creator of Araea, Megacorpolis, and many others.
May 24, 2019 03:43 by Doug Marshall

A very interesting read, and fairly well-laid-out! However, I'd like to recommend two things: 1) The Document Overview section seems like it would make much more sense as sidebar content, and some of the sidebar content seems like it would nest much better in the main body of the article. 2) Embed the actual maps into the sidebar, rather than just the images of them. This way they are navigable on the page. Apart from these (admittedly preference matters), I really enjoy the exploration of the psychological terror so much silence and isolation can wreak. A sure shoe-in for the shortlist! :D

ASP | AV | OE | SPH | TMS | CDL | LOR | PR | HTH
May 26, 2019 16:14 by Wendy Vlemings (Rynn19)

I enjoyed reading your article. It made me curious about what exactly is going on there. I also like the maps you added to the sidebar and all the extra information.

Author of Ealdwyll, a fantasy world full of mystery.
Jun 7, 2019 03:01 by Barron

Now hold on a minute... I know that first quote. Captain Price is that you?   This was one rightfully creepy as hell, you captured it fantastically in the accounts of Varian. You leave plenty of fantastic mysteries to be solved, and I look forward to seeing if and how you answer them!