Relic Hunters (Season 7): To Be A Protector

the sound of the battle suddenly went away and Roya was left with only her thoughts. Most of these thoughts focused on bite marks and claw slashed that covered her arms. The rats had come as a big surprise. Roya did not like surprises. Slowly she she came out of her dazed thought and looked around the hollow stone room. The smell of rot and iron filled her senses. Looking behind her she met the unchanging beams that Ford calls eyes. She made a slight nod towards the group who were gathering them selves after the ambush. Taking and holding Tinyfang to her chest for comfort, she started towards the assembly. Her body shivered as she took each step towards her friends. even the pain that shot though each gash in her legs could not stop her from being with them
Trash coughs up some rat blood before quickly shaking his head back and forth, spraying a potent mix of rat blood, saliva, and small chunks of rat onto those around him. A strangle gargling noise echoes from the small creature, as he collects what’s left of the irony taste in his mouth and spits it across the room, before muttering, “I hate rats.” The tiny red captain slowly makes his way over to the group as he attempts to pick out what remains of the rat flesh within his claws. “Alright. Apparently we have a ‘protector’ to choose,” he states, his hands forming air quotes as he talks.
“The others seem to have been locked out of this particular challenge, which is ...... odd. Nonetheless, that leaves the 5 of us.” After finally ridding himself of a fair amount of blood, he reaches into his bag to pull out a small bag of bamboo.
Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
“Thank the gods for bamboo.” He pours some water into his little panda mouth along side the bits of bamboo before swishing the now bamboo water around and around. After a long awaited gulp, his lets out a prolonged breath. “Wow.” He shakes his head once more. “Ya know, the taste of blood can only be cleansed by bamboo.” He gladly bites down on the bamboo once more.
Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
Repeated punches against the stone door, which had previously closed, echo into the room along with the occasional,” WAAAAGH!!!”
“Should we give a Wagh back ?” Trash gives a messy “WAAGH ?” through the bamboo that fills his mouth.
when Roya finally made it to the gathering she she found the least bloody patch of dirt. Laying her small bed roll down she overdramatically tumbles on to the thin sheet and shuts her eye. Not 2 seconds pass before feels crumbs hitting her face from above. She slowly opens her eyes to see what fresh hell awaited her next. What she was was truly hellish in nature. "Trash! I realized that you have been having a rough time as of late but that's not excuse to be disrespectful. Can you please stuff you mouth somewhere that is not directly above..." Roya stops mid rant to the a the obnoxious noise that she has been to upset to realize until this moment.
Crunch. Crunch.










Crunch.
looking up blankly at Trash Roya letts out a long audiable sigh only to get crumbs in her mouth. Sitting up with a jolt loudly spits out the chewed pieces of wood. After this long drawn out process she glare at trash who is right at eye level "Why?"
“Hmm ? Whry whrat exacwy ?” Crunch. “I’m jurst tryring to rewax.” Gulp.
ignoring the loud sound coming from the door Roya looks at Trash and starts to smile. This smile quickly changes from Grin into a full on tummy Laugh. Catching her breath inbetween chuckles Roya is able to say "thi....sssss is ...soooo.....oooo mu.....ch....... fuuuuu....nnnn!" Roya falls over back on to her bed roll and holds her stomach as she rolls over on her side. Her laughs are slightly off. Not so much sounds of joy but almost a relief to a stressed emotional state
Cedric sits down, leaning against the brisk stone walls as he sheath'd the dagger he held, laying his head into his lap. He looks over to the dopey Roya, rolling on her bedroll. "A mental breakdown, eh?"
Trash looks to Roya curiously. “Ya know, I usually don’t understand humanoids. But, and you can choose whether or not to take offense to this. Roya, you are on another level entirely.”
In another life Ford may have been a bard. Hell, his soul enclosure may be bardric. Stomp. Stomp. The hulking metal construct hisses from a piston releasing its pressure. Sprays of rat blood come with it to dot the visceral arena with viscera vita. Verily.
He upnods back to Roya with those unblinking red lens set into his eyes as he shakes rat guts off of his hand. It takes him a few minutes to clean himself off to be sanitary for the meatbags that catch things like "diseases" and "sniffles".
"Truth," the nearly monotone man says with one rat still dangling from his antlers . "Think selecting her as the protector would send her over?" See, its times like this where a shit eating grin, a smile, a smirk, or any given facial expression would help someone determine if Ford was being facetious or serious.
The small trash panda looks up to the hulking mass of metal, eying him down. “Ya know Ford, its times like this where a shit eating grin, or maybe a smile, or a smirk, or honestly any sort of expression would really help to determine if you’re just being facetious right now, or if you’re serious.”
"This is me smiling" Ford says. It does not look like a smile. Its a faceplate with vents. "Think about it. Roya is the most selfless among us. She spends all of her time helping us, sleeping, or complaining. That's one third of solid protectorship."
“I mean. I figured if we’re looking for a protector, we’d send the giant ass mechanical being that’s been protecting us thus far, but if you’re thinking ......” Trash pauses to look at the giggling mass on the floor next to him. “.... her. Then .... yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh....... Sure, I’ll back you up on that, I guess.”
Ford winks. And by wink Ford stares blankly at Trash as the construct has no eyelids to wink with. "I'll put a gold on it," he says in monotone. "Never one to pass up on an opportunity on sifting out who you can trust and who you can't." In complete Ford fashion he doesn't attempt to hide that statement. Or hide looking at Cedric after his 'Lets murder our babytreepal' event minutes before or settling on Ildri afterwards. "More importantly," he says, still staring at Ildri, "do rats taste like almonds now that you have a comparison to go off of?"
Trash’s eyes light up for a split second, as his head disappears into his bag once more. After a moment of searching he returns victoriously with a handful of almonds. “Almonds AND bamboo. Why have I not tried this combination before ?”
One Combo-Crunch later.
“Oh reah. You arsked a querstiorn, hmm. Umm, no. No nart art arll.” Gulp.
“Rats taste like...... they’re ...... squishy and ...... OH! Idea. In warforged terms. You know when you rust ? That old, crusty, gross feeling that comes with the rust ? That’s rats. But when you get some nice oil to lubricate your systems. THAT is almonds.”
One last time, Trash disappears into his bag, returning with a small flask oil, which he uses to give Ford a chance to truly experience the sensation of the almond.
"When a single flowing motion is moving without interruption," Ford says, starting into an Iroh-like bout of wisdom as oiling is welcomed, "when your fist goes through your enemy's stomach and there is a satisfying crunch of their spine. I picked up on the almond 'crunch' sounds." Ok, perhaps 'savage' wisdom.
Trash, now in his rightful place on Ford’s shoulder, waves his tiny paw in front of the red lenses of the 04-D'Acier. “Hey. Ford. You went into one of your,” as Trash whips out the air quotes once more, “‘Savage Wisdom’ moments again. It’s kinda weird, just so you know. It’s like you’re blacking out, but I don’t think you’re actually capable of blacking out, so it’s just confusing.” “But also yes. Almonds are the food equivalent for crunching someone’s spine. Whatever gets you off.”
Ford, as a creature who, despite continual shipping, lacks that specific capability, notes, "Is joke. Like a warforged getting off." He points down to Roya, "Also, ladies present." He snaps his fingers, which is a painful sound with metal on metal. Like a screeching pang. "Three jokes at once. Hah Hah Hah Hah."
“Heh heh. Okay big guy, you’ve tasted almonds.” Trash mimes pulling out a small notepad and quill. “Priority number 1, has been checked off the list.” “Now. Let’s get to the, ugh, non-almond related shit list.” Trash flips the page of his notebook and puts on a pair of totally real glasses. “If I’m reading this correctly, hmm. Interesting.” He pulls down his glasses to look at Roya. “Alright little lady,” says the 2’7” red panda. “I guess you better get your beauty sleep cause after that, you’re up.”
in the background Roya can hear conversation occuring but very little of it registers as she wraps her arms around her torso to ease the cramps caused by the intense laughter. Eventually Royas fit fades as she catches her breath. She sits up and wipes the tears from her eyes only to be met the questioning expressions of her party
"Hmmm? I'm sorry I was having a moment. Did you say something about sleep?"
Trash slowly facepalms. His eyes slowly move from their place burrowed within his soft padded palms, over to the now-not-giggling mass on the floor, and finally over to Ford. “I trust you. But .... I mean. Really. Are we sure about this ?”
"My vote is for Ford." Cedric points over to the Warforged. "Don't think I need to state reasons."
raising an her blonde eyebrow perplexed Roya looks over the metal man "We're voting now? Oh! Okay how can I help?" Roya excitedly goes into her over stuffed backpack and after a moment and a few curse words pulls out a sheet of paper and a quill "How about a secret Ballot?"
Ford looks to Trash by turning his head slightly. Settling on Cedric as he votes for Ford, the Warforged says back to the captain, "More sure than I was a minute ago."
At Fords comment Roya carefully tears the paper into even pieces and moves to hand them out. Once every party members had their ballot Roya wets the tip of her pigeon feather quill into the inkwell and scribble a name. Folds her ballot in half and before placing it in the middle of the group leans down and hands the quill to Trash
Trash hands the quill back to Roya. “Yeah, no.” He states simply. “You slept through our conversation regarding our next move.” A prolonged sigh emits from the little guy as he states, “While I think Ford is 100% the obvious and best choice for the role of protector in this group, when have we ever done anything conventionally ? So. Fuck it. Roya, you’ll be our protector.”
At Trash's comments Several thoughts race though Roya's mind. Her first impulse is to point out that she didn't sleep though the conversation but was having a manic fit that he caused. That thought is taken over by an urge to tackle the rat eater but after years of practice she is quick to calm her Orcish rage. Then an idea occurs to her. Taking her quill in her hand she looks down and smiling quietly says " I appreciate the morale boost that you're giving the tired crew that has given so much to blindly achieve your goals. What good is it that you're a talking animal if the only things that comes out of your mouth is rude remarks and poisonous comments. It might be a good idea to put use the gifts you have been given to be a more positive force. You we're chosen to be the leader of this group. And with that leadership come the power of the word. People are listening to you, probably for the first time. Either show those who respect you the same privilege or you will lose it. "
Turning her back to Trash and walking to her bag she carefully places her quill back in it's ornate wooden box. Even softer looking down at her bag she says.
" It's a Protector you need? I'll gladly take part in this task. Maybe this time I can actually do something useful for you Trash."
Once more, Trash curiously cocks his head to the side, eying up Roya. He clears his throat before walking about 3 feet away from Roya and looking up at her. "Okay. Let's get a few things straight here, Roya." "One." A single finger extends, as it's claw unsheathes itself from Trash's paws. "I am the captain because besides Ford, I am the only one here with actual experience out in the field AND I am the only one with any leading experience. So, no this is not the first time people are listening to me." The captain states plainly. "Two." A second claw. "It is NOT the captain's job to be buddy buddy with his crew. It IS however, the captain's job to make sure that his crew stays alive. Now." His voice raises, obviously already annoyed with this interaction. "The role of a protector surprisingly consisted of protecting people. That means taking the hits. That means getting hurt. That means getting dirty." The captain looks down to his bloody claws and snout. "So. Excuse me if I am a little hesitant to throw you into combat where you have a high likelihood of being injured. Excuse me if I think it's a good idea to give that role to our giant fucking metal robot take up that role." He takes a breath before continuing. "Three." A third claw. "Go through what I've gone through and tell me that I shouldn't resort to rude remarks and poisonous comments. No ? Don't want to that ? Don't wanna be taken apart and put back together like a fucking toy ? Fine. Then don't get pissy with me about it." "Four." A four claw, followed by the impatient tapping of Trash's foot. "I have thanked you all multiple times for helping me in my search for my friends. However, you don't get to hold that shit against me. We have collectively tried to follow the goals of everyone in this group. Just because mine has been in the forefront of our adventures, doesn't mean you are, as you put it "blindly" helping me. The only goal you've given us is to run from your damn patrons. Should we drop everything and work towards that one ? No ? Then stop with the bullshit." "Five." He states slightly louder than intended as yet another claw unsheathes itself. "And finally. Nowhere in this conversation have I said I don't respect this crew. I DID however state that you, in my eyes, are not the optimal choice for the role of our protector. But who the fuck knows. You may be the best choice. You may be the worst. Don't mistake logical doubt with disrespect."
Cedric listens along to the others arguing, mostly looking at Trash and giving occasional glances to Roya. "You know, Trash and Ford are usually the most reasonable here, and I think that's showing through again. We should just get Ford as protector, get through this, and then we can argue again once we're out of these ruins. Our lives are on the line, we should be preparing for whatever we have next, not doing this."
pausing but not looking up from her bag " Look you have a chance to do what I failed to. A chance to save your loved ones. It pains me every day"
Without looking down rests her hand on Tinyfangs back " Yes I'm running. I'm being hunted down. Being stalked by a predator. You don't have interest in being my friend? .... Fine. We can sit here until this temple falls to sands of time and compare our tragic lives....... But I have no interest in playing that game. I will do all that I can to prevent the suffering that I experienced from happening to you. Just tell me what you need me to do.... Captain."
Trash's angry demeanor slightly drops. "Look. I'm sure you've lost a lot. I didn't mean to compare your suffering to mine. But you need to understand something. The last time I was a leader I was easy going. I was friendly. I thought I was a good leader." He pauses to reflect the past. "I wasn't. I let shit pass that I shouldn't have. I trusted too much when I shouldn't have. I fucked up. And my friends paid for that." "Being a leader. That is not an easy task. And it is not one I take lightly. So this time, I hope not to fuck everything up. If that means being a hardass, then I'm happy to do so."
Roya takes her hand and gently picks up Tinyfang and cradles him in her arms as she stands up and turns to face Trash.
"I'm glad to hear that you're activity thinking about how to lead. Understanding is important. A slight smile appears on her face and she looks down to Tinyfang " I need you to know Captain I'm no victim. I know how to take care of myself and regardless of how I look I'm still standing here ready to face challenges head first because of the chooses that I have made and I stand by them. Regret is a nasty and vile parasite. We have all survived the trial all living creatures must face.....Life. preventing and Protecting by making the best chooses one can make in times of crisis is often all we can do."
Placing Tinyfang around her shoulders to free her hands. Squatting down to be eye level with Trash Roya reaches her hand out flat with her palm up (hopeing trash will take her hand)
"I'm Roya Val- Hum, no matter the outcome of fate that makes you nervous. I will be here, at your service"
Trash looks at the hand and then to Roya. "A little cheesy, but yeah, sure. Why the hell not." He states as he takes her hand.