Bonus Episode 2: Fool Me Twice

Please note that this story is noncanonical as it was made relatively early on in the development of Astra Planeta's current incarnation.

Setting:

UNSS Delos, UNAC research outpost orbiting Leto around Ross 154.
04/01/2196 CE
[Theme music 00:00 - ~00:32; fade out into static]
[static cut off by click at 0:34; a deep, continuous hum is heard faintly in the background as ORSON starts to speak]

ORSON

(with audible smile)
Gooood morning UNSS Delos! This is your communications officer Frank Orson back on the mic with your April Fools Day 2196 play-by-play! First of all, the helium I dumped in the atmosphere cycler a few minutes ago is working its way through the station, which should add to the hilarity of the morning’s antics whenever it starts to disperse.

[knocking on metal]

BERNARD

(ostensibly innocuous)
Officer Orson?

ORSON

(slightly panicked, played off as cool)
Morning Commander Bernard, what can I do for you on this fine spring day sir?

BERNARD

What in God’s name have you wrought on my crew?

ORSON

(slightly smug)
Just a bit of April Fool’s fun, Commander, nothing harmful.

BERNARD

(playfully skeptical)
Mm-hmm.
(audibly mischievous, played off as still innocuous)
Well, to celebrate your triumph, I’ve brought you some brownies. Would you please open the door to the comms room?

ORSON

(suspicious)
Perhaps… how did you make brownies when I switched around the food dispenser packs?

BERNARD

(nonchalant)
Oh, I used the 3D-printer. They’re perfectly safe, I promise!

[hatch opens swiftly]

ORSON

(gotcha! tone)
Alright, Lucille, what have you- holy shit.
(laughs wildly)

BERNARD

(unapologetically mischievous)
I said they were brown-E’s.

ORSON

(very amused and slightly awed)
How long did you spend 3D-printing chocolates in the shape of the letter E?

BERNARD

(nonchalant)
Four hours last night. Not as long as you devoted to whatever horrors are about to unfol–

CYGNA

(irritated)
Frank, what in space have you done to the time? It’s two point four six minutes off, right on the dime!

ORSON

(mischievous under a layer of cool)
I think you’ll find something else off about this morning, my virtual compadré.

BERNARD

(trying not to laugh)
Oh no.

CYGNA

(even more irritated)
Don’t you tease me with your good-morning chime, I’ll have you–
(you can almost hear the record scratch realization. sheer panic ensues)
FRANK HAVE YOU FORCED ME TO RHYME?!

BERNARD

(quietly cracking up)

ORSON

(barely keeping it together)
Now now, CYGNA, don’t go Grinch on me! I just wanted to add some Seussian flair to the-

CYGNA

(full of panicked rage)
I’LL DRAIN THE AIR FROM THE ROOM YOU ARE IN! WITH YOUR VERY LIFEBREATH YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SIN!

[both humans losing it]

ORSON

(audibly struggling to breathe)
I already can’t breathe, I’m wheezing too much.

BERNARD

(trying to catch a breath) How did you even do that?!

ORSON

(coming off the laugh, still giggling)
I got Ivanovich’s help. She was all for it, though I’m pretty sure at least half of her willingness was to shut me up so she could go back to sleep.

BERNARD

Yeah. Speaking of sleep, though, I noticed a bunk missing from–

ALVAREZ

(distant, echoing, full of rage)
AAAAAUUUUUGH! FRAAANK YOU BASTARD!

ORSON

(chuckling)
And that’ll be Dr. Alvarez waking up in the middle of the cargo bay, because I unbolted his bunk and let it drift through the station.

BERNARD

(cackling)
Good LORD, Frank!

[intercom beep]

ORSON

(smug)
How’d ya sleep, Hernando?

ALVAREZ

(angry but also amused, through intercom)
AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO THE DOOR, I’M- I’M GOING TO PUT BLACK MOLD IN YOUR BREAKFAST!

ORSON

Thanks for telling me, I’ll be sure to avoid eating station rations for the next week.

[intercom beep]

ORSON

(offhanded)
...Oh, yeah, I think my coffee pouch is finished self-heating.

BERNARD

(casual)
Need a straw?

ORSON

(casual)
Yeah, thanks.

[slurping sound]

ORSON

(confused)
……wh. Why won’t it-
(flat realization)
oh son of a bitch. You-

BERNARD

(slightly prideful)
Made it hydrophobic, yes. As a matter of fact…

IVANOVICH

(angry, echoing through the corridors)
GOD DAMN IT, ORSON!

BERNARD

(still smug)
I made most of them hydrophobic. I left Dr. Diallo’s alone since she’d vent me out an airlock if I did, Commander or not.

ORSON

(chuckling; pitched up 10% halfway through)
Thank you for your foresight, though Ivanovich sounds pissed.

BERNARD

(pleased; pitched up 20%)
You’re welcome.
(pause for realization, totally flat intonation)
...Officer Orson, why do I sound like a fucking chipmunk?

ORSON

(howling with laughter)
IT WORKED! SON OF A BITCH IT WORKED!

BERNARD

(plaintively)
Oh come on! Now all of our voices are like CYGNA’s!

CYGNA

(vexed)
I strongly resemble that remark! Though you lack my signature snark!

ORSON

Any second now, we’re gonna get-

[intercom beep; various crew members shouting; Orson and Bernard losing their shit]

ALVAREZ

FRANK YOU INSUFFERABLE ROACH! WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THIS MUCH FUCKING HELIUM?! WAS IT REACTOR EXHAUST?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN STOCKPILING IT?! HOW THE HELL DID YOU BYPASS THE AIR CYCLER SAFETIES?! I PROMISE YOU AS SOON AS I GET TO THE FUCKING HATCH I’LL COME UP THERE AND POUR ACID ON YOUR HARD DRIVE! I’LL—

IVANOVICH

ORSON! I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL USE YOUR GUTS AS A TETHER ON MY NEXT SPACEWALK! CHERT POBERI! I AM WAKING UP AT THREE IN MORNING TO HELP YOU AND I’M REPAID WITH TANTALUS COFFEE AND A VOICE LIKE MARMOT! YOU SPINELESS—

[04:06 a click terminates the transmission, abruptly resuming the static which fades out 04:06 - 04:11 over the theme music; theme runs 04:07 - 05:07 under the outro monologue 04:12 - 05:06]
This has been Starhopper Radio. This episode was written, directed, and edited by myself, Doug Marshall, with the voice talents of Timber Kataigida as Commander Lucille Bernard, Bobby Montelongo as Dr. Hernando Alvarez, AFearsomeArtisan as Anna Ivanovich, and myself as both Frank Orson and CYGNA. The theme music is a reversed version of the song “Glow In Space” by Sergey Cheremisinov, via the Free Music Archive.
Special thanks this week goes to the crew behind Station Blue, an isolation horror podcast set in an Antarctic research station, for so kindly giving our show a shoutout on Twitter, as well as all of our new listeners who’ve given us kind words in the past few weeks.
And speaking of, if you enjoyed this episode, let us know by sending us a message on Instagram and/or Twitter at StarhopperRadio, joining the discord server via the link on our host site, farsightmedia.org/starhopperradio, and especially by supporting the creator on Patreon at patreon.com/spyglassrealms! It would also help us out immensely if you shared the show with your friends. And of course, thank you for listening.