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Nedreto Expedition

After the defeat of the Dark Ones and the destruction of their capital Sal'Khar the land around the dark city withered and decayed within weeks, leaving behind a region called the Desolate Peninsula. After these events that eventually lead to the founding of Lassara, no human got close to the ruins for nearly 300 years. Only in 284 AK Professor Kaleon Nedreto dared to lead an expedition to the remains of that once thriving city that was now rumored to be haunted and spreading corruption on men as well as the land around it. His personal journal of the expedition is the only remaining written record of this journey that defined Lassara's relationship to Sal'Khar for centuries to come.

4th Trials, 248 Age of Kings

Thank Lo'Tal! I have finally convinced someone to fund this endeavour, this crucial step towards ridding our beautiful realm of ignorance and false beliefs. The lady Carlya Blye, sister to High Lord Rouad Blye IV, has so graciously decided to hear my pleas and ignore my so called colleagues' cries of risk and danger. I am grateful to have found a patron who believes, as I do, that superstition and fear cannot and must not hinder our drive to understand and learn. I will have to come up with a better name than "Personal Journal of the expedition to Sal'Khar" to publish my findings later but for now there are preparations to be made.   With the season of storms upon us, Tomas and I have determined to travel by land instead of sea, making the journey considerably longer but I dare not delay. My colleagues would rather believe in ghost stories and old women's tales about corruption than uncovering hard, scientific facts. One of these stubborn old men who call themselves scholars might succeed in changing the Lady Carlya's mind. No! We will leave the capital tomorrow. Tomas, Anral, a small number of guards and servants, some pack animals and I are the only souls brave enough to make the journey to the heart of the Desolate Peninsula. Glory awaits us! I will not let it slip through my grasp.

9th Trials, 248 Age of Kings

We have crossed the threshold and we are now on the grounds of the Desolate Peninsula! Our group travelled south on the royal road and caught sight of the first rotten trees yesterday afternoon. We decided to wait for the morning light to cross over and how glad am I that we did! What happened here has left a mark on the land. The rotten ground is barren and should not support life but some things live here! We would not have seen it in the twilight but in light of day Tomas could warn one of the guards in time before stepping on something that looked like the branch of a dead tree. Once we got closer it turned out to be a creature, some kind of huge insect, at least two feet long! It attacked the guard at surprising speed but the man was ready - Tomas told me his name but I keep forgetting such trivial details - and he was able to spear it quickly. I will take the specimen back to the capital for study. I shiver just looking at it but fear cannot deter us now. We will be careful.   One of the servants says he spotted something moving during the night before we entered and the pack cattle seemed nervous as well. Could it be Prof. Hoan, after trying to ridicule me and forbidding my expedition - FORBIDDING! Can you believe the audacity? - has decided to send his own men to follow me and steal my work? No matter! We will be careful.

12th Trials, 248 Age of Kings

It has been days since we left civilization and life behind. We haven't encountered anyone but the servants still claim someone is following us. The guards say they have heard noises in the night as well. I myself have found a few oddities about this place. I and Anral were talking today, only a few feet apart. I felt the need to shout, as if the sound of my own voice wasn't carried but thrown back at me by the air around us. This land plays tricks on lesser minds but it won't trick me! The servants grow restless. I will be glad to reach the ruins to have something other than our own footprints in the dirt to focus our minds on.

14th Trials, 248 Age of Kings

Sal'Khar! We've made it and it was worth all the hardships, all the dry bread and stale water - I swear all the food lost it's taste once we entered the peninsula! - all the sleepless nights, trying to breathe air that just feels empty... Though the city lies in ruins, the imaginative mind can tell how glorious it must have been before it's downfall. The city wall is still thick in many places and the gaze of monstrous statues staring at any who dare enter through the main gates almost make me understand why small minds think this place cursed. Crumbled stone buildings, once several stories high, tell of the skill of the artisans. These towers over there, that crest the hillside must have reached for the clouds in distant past! I almost wonder if we were right to destroy it. By what right did Arlen Blye and the first king Berand lay waste to this jewel of a city? Not that I could undo anything now, even if I would but the mind does wonder... We reached the place this afternoon; tomorrow the real work begins. I only wish the others were as excited as I am.

20th Trials, 248 Age of Kings

Incredible! It has been less than a week in the ruins and already I have enough notes for several books! Tomas and Anral are working on the dig to reach the sublevel of the building we made our camp in - I believe it to be an old barracks. The servants are whispering of someone or something sneaking around our camp at night and even the guards are growing restless but they don't understand. They don't want to. Only I do. And Tomas and Anral of course.

21st Trials, 248 Age of Kings

A terrible thing has happened! I was roused by one of the guards - I keep forgetting the name. He took me to the bodies of two of our servants. Dead. Both their throats were slit open, the cut precise and completely smooth. The third servant was staying in Tomas and Anral's tent tonight so there's only one conclusion: We are not alone here! Professor Hoan must have sent assassins! Now that we have discovered so much already they think it's time to strike and steal our work but I will not let that happen! We will double the guards at night. Tomas, Anral and I will join them in shifts and I handed weapons out to everyone. Sal'Khar is my find! He will not have it!

28th Trials, 248 Age of Kings

Nothing concerning has happened for a week but tension is still growing in our camp. The guards have not reported any sightings but they claim to feel some presence around us. Nonsense! There are no ghosts or mystic powers here! Sal'Khar is as peaceful a place as I have ever seen. No! Someone is trying to dissuade us from continuing our research but our work continues. Tomas and Anral have dug out the old cellar and we've found ancient weapons - scythes, daggers, swords, all still sharp! This confirms the building as a barracks or training grounds of the Dark Ones... What a silly name for a great people; not what a scientist would have called them... Tomorrow we move our camp further towards the town center. I believe I may have found the foundations of the old palace!

3rd Seedling, 248 Age of Kings

Our fifth day at what I believe to be the place where the Dark Ones' palace once stood. It must have been gigantic, given the dimensions of what is still left of its walls! It must have been beautiful as well, if the gold and silver decorations we found still intact are any indication. If Sal'Khar was ruled from here I can almost imagine crowds of celebrating people gather in the streets around us on feast days. It is uplifting, really... The excitement of discovery and exploration.

5th Seedling, 248 Age of Kings

They are back! One of the guards died last night, even though our perimeter should have been able to watch all angles of approach to our camp. A skilled assassin is always a danger and Hoan must have spared no expense. I wonder where his funds come from. It won't matter, when the scientific community hears of this! I will make sure that this will be his downfall!

6th Seedling, 248 Age of Kings

Oh gods! Astaron's mercy on us! Anral is dead. His body was found this morning, a deep stab wound in his chest. Tomas would be the suspect now, only he spent the night in my tent after discussing yesterday's tragedy and how to continue. I don't sleep that tightly that I wouldn't have noticed him leaving the tent at some point. He wants to go back, says we have found enough and Anral deserves a proper burial in the capital but... I cannot let fear or grief dictate my actions. I pray Lo'Tal deems Anral worthy of entering his Hall of Secrets. I cannot turn back now.

9th Seedling, 248 Age of Kings

I write this entry in deep sadness. Most of our guards are dead and the last servant died yesterday. But I am saddest over the lost chance to discover more. This place may hold everything we have ever hoped for and we must leave it behind. Tomas is right, we have to flee. Maybe I have already waited too long but there are still three of us. Tomas, Leon and I. I will remember this guard's name. We will watch over each other. From tonight onwards there will always be two of us awake while the third sleeps. They will not overcome us! We will rebuild! We will return!

12th Seedling, 248 Age of Kings

This entry is written in a different hand.

He killed them all. He must have. Three days we tried to head back now, trying to reach Road's End. I almost believed we could leave this godsforsaken land behind us but last night when I was on guard I turned around and I saw him over Tomas' corpse. The bloody curved dagger was still in his hand. One of the Dark Ones' weapons but he must have found it well before the barracks. I should have noticed earlier. When he came at me he was stronger than I would have expected from a bookish man. I barely took him out and I fear I may not make it. The gash in my side won't stop bleeding. If you find these notes and are a loyal follower of the crown, paint the three sails of the Boatswains on your window and my mates will come for it. You will be rewarded.
Leon Agaral, paladin of Astaron, servant of the king
 

Addendum by First Mate Elyas, 2nd Sylka, 248 Age of Kings


Document: Personal Journal of the expedition to Sal'Khar
Author(s): Professor Kaleon Nedreto, dec. 11th Seedling, 248 AK; Sir Leon Agaral, paladin of Astaron, loyal mate of the Boatswains, dec. unknown date, 248 AK
Condition: Notes on paper, travel-worn, bloodstains on last page
Comment: None of the items and specimen mentioned in the journal were found on, presumed to have been left on the Peninsula (Good riddance! The king has declared the whole peninsula off-limits.)
Status: Sealed by royal decree, 2nd Sylka, 248 AK
The Kingdom of Lassara
Organization | Jun 11, 2019
The Boatswains
Military Formation | Jun 9, 2019

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World
Cagiadh
Author
Jayol
Publication Date
4 Apr, 2020
Creation Date
27 May, 2019
Last Update Date
30 May, 2019
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528
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Redclaw123
May 28, 2019 21:55 by Elias Redclaw

First of all, welcome to the challenges jay! Glad to have you amongst us mate!   As for the article itself, I feel like that the entire formatting is a bit clunky to read. You could put all of that in the actual contents section of the document and then fill up the other sections. What was the purpose of this document? What was it’s legacy? What impact did it have? I’m sorry if my feedback sounds bad since it’s almost 3 am here and I’m awake when I should be asleep XD. Still congratulations and keep up the great work Man!

Jayol
May 28, 2019 22:20

Yeah I didn't put it into the document link because I didn't want people reading the other stuff first, giving away the twist. I'll look into giving some better answers on some of your questions though. Thanks for the feedback!

Venerable Grandmaster Qurilion
May 29, 2019 11:32

First of, the journal entries have a very strong voice to them. It stand out as distinct, with personality. Good stuff. :)   I already mentioned in the Discord that I think that the article would benefit from having some sort of opening that talks about what we are about to read. Either a regular opening, or a quote from whoever retrieved the journal talking about the expedition.   The formatting is fine and the distinct chunks are easy to read this way, though I'd consider maybe seeing how it looks if you remove the lines and instead use a header with a built in line.   Onwards! :D  

The lady Carlya Blye, sister to High Lord Rouad Blye IV, has so graciously decided to hear my pleas and ignore my so called colleagues' cries of risk and danger and I am grateful to have found a patron who believes, as I do, that superstition and fear cannot and must not hinder our drive to understand and learn from anything that is there to be found.
  This single sentence takes up most of the paragraph and consists of 67 words and a bunch of commas. I would consider splitting it in 3-4 with some minor rewriting, to shorten it and give each section a little more impact.  
I will have to come up with a better name to publish my findings than this later but for now there are preparations to be made.
  It's not entirely clear what he is referring to her when he mentions a better name. A better name than what? The Nedreto expedition? This might be clarified with the overview part, but it's worth mentioning.  
With the season of storms upon us, Tomas and I have determined to travel by land instead of sea, making the journey considerably longer but I dare not delay, lest one of these stubborn old men who call themselves scholars succeeds in changing the Lady Carlya's mind.
  Another kind of long sentence here at 47 words. I'd split it in half, at least. One way of thinking about it is trying not too communicate more than 2 or 3 "ideas" in a single sentence.  
We will leave the capital tomorrow, Tomas, Anral, a small number of guards and servants, some pack animals and I - the only souls brave enough to make the journey to the heart of the Desolate Peninsula.
  It feels like the comma after tomorrow should be a period, rather than a comma.  
Glory awaits us! I dare not let it slip through my grasp.
  Overall, it's a solid piece. If you can cut down the run-on sentences and nuke some of those commas that come with it, it's good to go. As I mentioned, it has a strong voice and you get the idea of what this guy's like. It might be worth adding something more about the place they're going to, however. Something like how he makes fun of those stodgy academic fools for believing the myths about X and Y in the area. Something that tells us a little about where he's going and why it has the reputation that it does.  
We have crossed the threshhold, we are on the grounds of the Desolate Peninsula!
  treshhold = treshold   I'd consider removing the comma and going "and we are now on the grounds of"  
Travelling south on the royal road, we caught sight of the first rotten trees yesterday afternoon but we decided to wait for the morning light to cross over and how glad am I that we did![/quote9   While only a bit long at 36, it's probably worth cleaving in twain here.   I'd also consider starting with a more active voice. "We traveled south on the royal road and soon caught sight of the first rotting trees."   [quote]What happened here has left a mark on the land, the ground is not just barren, it is devoid of all life and yet things live here!
  That's a good question - what did happen here?   I'd also end it at "on the land." and make the other another sentence.   Also "it's devoid of all life yet things live here" is a bit of an immediate contradiction. I'd think about rewriting this part, just a bit. "The land seems barren and lifeless, but it is not empty." or something.  
We would not have seen it in the fading light but in light of day Tomas could warn one of the guards in time before stepping on something that looked like the branch of a dead tree but once we got closer turned out to be a creature, some kind of insect which attacked the guard at surprising speed but since the man was ready - Tomas told me his name but I keep forgetting such trivial details - he was able to spear it quickly and I will take the specimen back to the capital for study.
  Here we have a single sentence that is almost 100 words long. I'd strongly advice that you split it into more manageable bits.   Additionally, "We would not have seen it in the fading light but in the light of day" is kind of an unsatisfactory repeat. Consider rewriting it to something more evocative. "We would not have seen it in the twilight, but " or something. :)  
We will be careful.
  You repeat this for both paragraphs here, at the end. Consider changing one of them, or cutting it entirely if you need the words. "I will not let that happen. I'll show them. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!" etc.   Overall, another good piece marred by run-on sentences and a few vague bits that could do with expanding upon. What happened here? What do they know? How can he make fun of his rivals for thinking about those things?   In general, what more can you tell the readers to make them envision this place more clearly?  
It has been days since we left civilization and life behind, no living soul in sight, though the servants still claim someone is following us and I have heard noises in the night as well.
  I'd consider splitting this after "life behind" and give the second part of the sentence it's own piece. "We haven't seen any life at all, though the servants ..." or something  
This land plays tricks on the lesser minds and I will not let it trick me! The sounds are wrong as well.
  I'd consider cutting and rewriting the bit that follows this just a bit. It's like he's saying "Its tricky, I won't be tricked. Oh there's a trick" with the sound that could use with some clarification or just tweaking.  
The servants grow restless, maybe we shouldn't have brought three, they talk too much amongst each other.
  This bit feels a bit ramble-y. I would consider ending the first sentence after "restless" and add something before the talk too much part. "Maybe we shouldn't have brought three. All they do is gossip and tell ghost-stories to each other. Pah!"  
Sal'Khar!
  At first, I thought this was either the name of a god or some different language's phrase or relief.   The entire bit that follows could use a bit of a rewrite: when he says "though in ruins", for example, it isn't clear he's talking about Sal'Khar as a city. If the reader has skimmed the side panel, they might not realize it's a place until later in the journal.  
Not that I could undo anything now, of course, even if I would but the mind does wonder
  I don't think the , of course, adds anything other than a clunk to the sentence and could probably be safely cut.  
tomorrow the real work begins, I only wish the others were as excited as I am.
  I feel this part would have more impact if "I only wish .." was it's own sentence. :)   This part is a bit weak, as the sentence there feels a bit muddled and ramble-y. There's also no description at all of the ruins: we are told nothing about what it looks like.   But with some rewriting that focuses the piece on that this is a city, here's a few traits (size, noticeable landmarks, etc), I think it'll be much better. I like the "I only wish the others were as excited as I am" and think it's a great bit to end the entry on.  
I already have more notes than I could hope to compile into books once I get back!
  Books as in a potentially infinite plural of books? It's a bit awkward like that in that part: I kinda get what you are trying to say, but the sentence feels like it stumbles. I'd have a ponder about how it could be rewritten. :)  
The servants are whispering that there is someone or something sneaking around our camp at night and even our six guards begin to grow restless but they do not understand.
  You could probably nuke "six" - it seem odd for him to mention their number specifically when it has not been changed and doesn't really factor into the narrative in this sentence.   I'm also not quite sure what purpose the "they do not understand" bit and following sentences serve. They could probably be safely cut without loss for the sake of adding words elsewhere, if you like.  
When I woke up today, one of the guards - what was his name again? - brought me around to the other side of camp and showed me the bodies of two of our servants.
  While I kind of like the "what's his name again?" aside to demonstrate what kind of a jerk this guy is, it feels like a strange thing to write in your journal when someone's been shanked. Something like "I cannot remember his name" or "I'm unsure who" might read a little more natural.  
Both their throats were slit with what seems to be an unnaturally sharp blade.
  This is a case of Show Vs Tell. How can he tell it must have been an unnaturally sharp blade? And why not share that with the reader instead of saying "unnaturally sharp blade"? :)  
It could not have been the last servant, he was staying in
  "as he was staying in"  
I would bet that Professor Hoan sent assassins.
  'I would bet' sounds a bit weird. If he is certain, it feels more natural to write something like "Professor Hoan must have sent" or something. :)   (Part 1/2!)

Creator of Araea, Megacorpolis, and many others.
Jayol
May 30, 2019 02:14

Thank you so much for this! I have worked in what I could, would love to talk about some of the choices but I will try to keep these tips in mind for the future as well! No more 100 words monsters! :D

Venerable Grandmaster Qurilion
May 30, 2019 11:31

I'm glad it helped! :D   And onto part 2!  

Nothing concering has happened for a week but tenstion is still growing in our small camp.
  concering = concerning   tenstion = tension   If you are still looking for words, you can probably cut "small". It doesn't really add anything except another word to the sentence.  
It must have been gigantic, given the dimensions of what is still left of it's walls![quote]   its*   [quote]It must have been beautiful as well, if the gold and silver decorations we found still intact are any indication.
  What kind of decoration did they find? That seem like it ought to have been a cause of more interest for the less academically minded in the party (aka the looters).  
I write this entry in deep sadness, not only over lives lost though one of our guards has died every night since Anral's death and yesterday they killed our last servant as well.
  This sentence is a little long (33 words) and a little oddly worded. Specificially, the "though one of our guards has died every night since". You could probably rewrite it to tighten it up and shorten it. "All our guards are lost. Yesterday, they killed the last of our servants." - or something :)  
I will at least remember this guard's name.
  You could probably cut "at least", giving it a bit more dramatic impact and saving a few words. :)  
No, I am saddest over the lost chance to discover more.
  I'm a little torn over how this and the previous sentence is structured, but might need more coffee to be able to articulate why. I'd give it a look over and see how you feel it reads.  
omas is right, we have to return.
  Instead of return, how do you feel about using a word like "leave" or even "flee"?  
Maybe I have already waited too long but there are still three of us, Tomas, Leon and I.
  You could probably end it at us and leave Tomas, Leon and I as its own sentence.  
One of the Dark Ones' weapons but he must have found it before the barracks even.
  You could probably either cut "even", or replace it with something like "must have found it well before the barracks."  
The gash in my side won't stop bleeding.
  I am personally a little torn about this, but it's purely from my own sense of what I would do while bleeding out, so take that under consideration. If I was currently bleeding out (and bleeding out can be pretty quick as well as mucking you up), the last thing on my mind would be writing a journal.   Granted, I'm not a badass Paladin. But if you wanted to play up the mystery and how evil the weapons are, you could make him less immediately about to die and more uncertain. The wound doesn't seem fatal, but poison/evil/corruption/dark one tomfoolery.   All in all, great stuff. :) I could tell you put in a lot of work in response to the first lot of feedback!

Creator of Araea, Megacorpolis, and many others.
Jayol
May 30, 2019 11:42

Thanks again, I know it's a lot of effor to give detailed feedback like that, it's really appreaciated and I will take all these into consideration as well! :)   I think I like Leon knowing he is about to die and making sure someone at least has a chance to find out what happened is important to him. It's something I should flesh out in the Boatswains article though, so thank you for pointing that out as well :D

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