Shield Tribe Diets

One day Dr Jimothy decided to record different meals that Shield Tribe members feed their kids, their guests and themselves. Some of this is illegal. Some of this is child abuse. Some of these meals could easily be mistaken for attempts at assassinating the person being fed.

Purpose

Proving that the Shield Tribe culture should be utterly removed as, not only would its members be useless in one of the real battles they paranoiedly prepare for, but their culture and the behaviour of the culture's members is a source of suffering for individuals both within and without the culture.

Document Structure

Clauses

First: "The Shield Tribes suck and their food tastes awful"

Second: A long collection of meals that Shield Tribe members are encouraged to eat by both their "chiefs" and the Shield Tribe Weekly (a magazine targeted at Shield Tribe members) and how they're made. It's regularly pointed out that these meals deliberately taste awful and in some cases will cause those eating them legitimate harm for the sake of encouraging toughness.

Thirdly: "As you can see their food sucks just like them. In fact I'm pretty sure some of these meals like live and not-defanged semi-venomous (not actually dangerous but utterly agonising) baby eels in a bowl could be classed as child abuse for the fact that they feed this stuff to their kids. I can think of no reason to allow an artificial culture that claims to serve a purpose that is not only filled by Defense Forces but also wouldn't be capable of fulfilling those purposes if the situation came up and is, in fact, disruptive (as its members are raised to be total assholes, and I'd be one too if my parents made me murder baby eels or go hungry) to exist. Seriously."

References

The Book of Holy Iron, the holy book of the Church of Blades, gets referenced for how the paper that the pages are made of are great for [REDACTED].

Publication Status

It was basically a meme within the CHG government and became a meme among the public when the GTO released all the secret government documents.

Legal status

Legally speaking, it's classed as a case of 2 nerds, one of which happens to be a superintelligent AI, trying to add more evidence to the already massive evidence pile in favour of simply banning Shield Tribe culture or finding some other means to destroy it.

Historical Details

Background

So there are these lads in a culture that calls itself the Shield Tribes. They're basically a bunch of chads who like to think they're the first line of defense if there's an alien invasion on the planets they live on near the CHG-LIR border but that's a load of [REDACTED] because the Defense Force exists and each member of it could easily kick 20 times as much alien [REDACTED] as a Shield Tribe member while armed with a pointy stick. Because of this belief they have about themselves, they're constantly working out, getting into fights, considering themselves superior to those who aren't Shield Tribe members, encouraging their children to be bullies and so on.

History

It didn't change anything.

Public Reaction

Once released, it was general agreement and laughter except from some members of the Church of Blades (those members being Shield Tribe members who joined it for how it basically made a religion of all the things they believed)

Legacy

Tonnes of laughter and more moves by specific individuals in the government for the suppression of Shield Tribe culture.

Term

Forever and ever and ever and ever.

Read the Document

Shield Tribe Diets

Hello readers. This document is a giant middle finger to the Shield Tribes on the basis of their food and I hope you both enjoy it and see just how necessary it is that this culture be removed by all means necessary because it is a disgrace to the rest of humanity that was founded on non-existant logic.

The first of their recipes is eel soup. This is made by breeding 2 eels, seperating the eggs from the eels and putting the eggs into different containers. Once the baby eels have hatched, they're beefed up with food to about half the length of a human finger. These eels, while alive, are placed into a bowl with a steep rim and some water within it. This is put before a child who is required to kill and then eat these eels with a knife and fork. The eel breed used is referred to as "Fukkerus Painus" for how utterly agonizing its bites are due to them being slightly venomous. What the hell.

The next thing is "negative taste enhancers", a product made just for the Shield Tribes and only bought by Shield Tribe members and massacists, added to the already nasty tasting ration bars of a normal family. Indeed, they deliberately make their food taste like crap so that when they and their kids are defending a planet (which they never will be because the Defense Force will force them to evacuate with the other civilians) the normal military ration bars they would supposedly eat would taste more tolerable.

Next we have food that has had various diseases injected into it. This is meant to work like a vaccine except that live, actually-act-risk-of-surviving-and-multiplying-in-and-killing-the-person-who-eats-it diseases are used. Bonus fact: on average, only 25% of children raised in the Shield Tribe culture will continue it as adults while most of them choose to leave it behind for obvious reasons: their lack of knowledge about how normal people live often causes them to end up in trouble with the law, poverty or dead.

Next up they make one another, including their poor kids, poisonous foods. The poisons used are never strong enough or in high enough quantity to do more than put a person in bed for several days but still what the hell. This meant to encourage Shield Tribe members to check their food for poison and recognise the tastes from small nibbles, as well as to help with building up immunities to the poisons used. This is a waste of what would otherwise be totally edible food.

[There are 14 more different messed up Shield Tribe meals included here, most of them being things you shouldn't feed anyone.]

As y'all can tell: this must stop. Some of this stuff is legitimately illegal. We have grounds on that alone to make this awfulness stop. [70 lines of more rambles about how the Shield Tribes have got to go].

Close

Type

Record, Public

Medium

Digital Recording, Text

Authoring Date

2846

Myth

What the hell have you done to Santa!?

Location

Poseiden 7

Signatories (Organizations)

• CHG