Journal Entry #13
Eredenva 1003 YAR
Long have I dreaded this day. Knowing it was inevitable and that it approached – even without prophetic visions – did nothing to ease the sickening feeling in my gut. Yes, I have delighted in our talks of history and what I imagine lies beyond that shimmering Barrier that fascinates him so. Yes, I have found that our conversations are easier and that I appreciate the new light I see him in. If I have misled him, it was not my intent. I have only endeavored to be honest and transparent in this whole messy, goat-cart wreck of an affair.
Judas asked me to marry him. I refused.
Does he truly love me and desire me for his wife, although I will perish long before him? Or did he ask out of social or religious obligations? For the sake of tradition? For the sake of his image?
Judas bares everything with grace. I envy him for I had not taken but two steps from him when I felt the cool, jagged barbs of anxiety sink into my flesh and claw their way into my mind. Yes, it would have been the proper path to accept his proposal – as my handmaidens have already reminded me on every occasion they can. It is not too late to change your mind, they say. He is a god, it's intimidating, they say. Surely, he will understand. He loves you, they say.
Yes, marriages have been struck with one-sided feelings, without any for that matter. Love will blossom with time... I must permit it to. Yet I have given it all the permission. Am I not predisposed to love him? Am I not his Beloved? Did I not cross this continent for this day? For this proposal? For this future?
Still, it does not feel right. I cannot say why.
I am haunted by this sense. I am haunted by my lack of visions. I am haunted by one vision. I am haunted by the figure I danced with... I see the figure every night now. For I know this much: It was not Soyolmaa's wedding I saw. And it was not Judas I danced with.
Judas asked me to marry him. I refused.
Does he truly love me and desire me for his wife, although I will perish long before him? Or did he ask out of social or religious obligations? For the sake of tradition? For the sake of his image?
Judas bares everything with grace. I envy him for I had not taken but two steps from him when I felt the cool, jagged barbs of anxiety sink into my flesh and claw their way into my mind. Yes, it would have been the proper path to accept his proposal – as my handmaidens have already reminded me on every occasion they can. It is not too late to change your mind, they say. He is a god, it's intimidating, they say. Surely, he will understand. He loves you, they say.
Yes, marriages have been struck with one-sided feelings, without any for that matter. Love will blossom with time... I must permit it to. Yet I have given it all the permission. Am I not predisposed to love him? Am I not his Beloved? Did I not cross this continent for this day? For this proposal? For this future?
Still, it does not feel right. I cannot say why.
I am haunted by this sense. I am haunted by my lack of visions. I am haunted by one vision. I am haunted by the figure I danced with... I see the figure every night now. For I know this much: It was not Soyolmaa's wedding I saw. And it was not Judas I danced with.
Dysis Judas
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