Several pages of half-finished thoughts

Saint Lydia and Saint Felix are dead. Winter Bloom is fallen to the Cryphan forces.

Felix was so tired. For him, maybe to be done is a relief.

Lydia... her life was too short. Both of them. She deserved better than her fight, to flare and fight and die and never get the chance to live for herself. Hers was a fight she chose, though. And hers is a name I hope never dies.


Valentine almost ate her heart. I couldn't... I had to stop him.


She deserved so much better than what happened to her.



we can't take on every fight, every enemy, every problem, but not being able to do more to prevent what happened to severine, to pandora, and to winter bloom felt devastating in a way i didn't think things could feel anymore. i think that makes me naive. i think that means i don't understand how bad things can truly get. i don't care. i don't want to experience that.



If we find ways to bring back the Sun, we won't have to. We can avoid every other fight so long as we complete that goal. That'll break their ranks enough, if not destroy them, to make everything else worth it. To make all this pain result in something. i'm trying to hold onto vrinn's strength of conviction. and i thought-- when i saw lydia the way she was, the righteous fury, the anguish, the grief that i felt, i felt that somehow all of it should have coalesced as something... any of the power she told me would come. i wanted to channel holy fire into my hands and drive the vampires out. i could have sacrificed myself, gladly, to become a beacon to protect and restore the church.
we don't all get what we want, though. not now. not ever, apparently.


My fears nearly got the better of me when we finally arrived at the outpost. I saw the soldier, and for a moment when he said, "Send word to the Capital," I thought he-- wasn't ours. That we'd walked into another trap. I was ready to fight and to flee, but... then I saw the tiefling in him, the guard. I kept a stoic composure, but on the inside, I was a step away from hysterical tears.
I still, to this moment, don't know what I would have done if the outpost had been sacked, too.


On the trip here, I dreamt. Fitfully, but I did. In one of them, I felt Lydia's cheek under my hand. I looked down into her eyes and saw her begin to shed her armor, the invisible kind she'd worn for so long. Armor which I fear and worry perhaps she didn't don again before the Church was ambushed.
Did she have hope we'd come? Did she put her faith in us as I put my faith in her? Did she die wondering if, at any moment, we would reach the Church and save her from death at Valentine's hands? Did she die having faith that we would?
I couldn't write these thoughts down before, but if I don't get them out now, they'll consume me.


What is the Order of the Silver Flame?


if we can rescue pandora, i don't think that excuses her from keeping information that could have helped us. we have to keep her safe, but i also mean to hold her accountable for keeping secret her station.


When the runner arrives, ensure they know you're unable to leave because of ... Business of the gods? Sacred Vow? what do I tell them how to be honest while also


I don't know what to do from here. I don't feel like we have enough leads. I feel like we'll be pushed to leave and go to the border, rather than...


what if we have to leave and face this without the support of my country after all

Type

Journal, Personal