Kohinoor's Plea to Gault
Manigault, I find myself still wondering why you saved me. The thought has consumed me. You barely knew me! Was it so worth it? I do not have the power to return to you what you spent on me. Of course, you knew that already. And yet you acted all the same. Maybe you are at peace with that decision, but I don't think I ever will be. You were the last person I saw before I left, and when I woke again you were gone forever. I had things I still wanted to say to you, expected to be able to once we got a quiet moment. I tried telling them to your empty corpse, but it wasn't the same. I couldn't hear your voice. In that dark cave, I insisted on giving you a funeral because I thought it was only right. In truth I was not ready to say goodbye. I still am not. We watched your body float away, but I have been carting its weight in my heart all this time. So here I am, begging you to relieve me. Come back. Fill your body once more with breath and coursing blood. I want to know you. I want to argue with you. Mostly, I want you to be here, to live your life, wherever it takes you. Even if you were to wake up and never want to see me again, I would be happy! At least I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my days wondering how things would be different if you were here. Something about you touched me. Maybe it was how you praised me for healing others. You spoke of it as though it was something more than my duty, as though it were something beautiful. So beautiful it changed your poor opinion of me entirely. Maybe it was that even now, you are the only person who has ever asked me not to save them. I felt like I recognized you, then. I felt like we were the same. How could I not want to save you? When you asked me not to, I only had the overwhelming urge to do it more. You were worth protecting. Even when it cost me, it was worth it. I wasn't able to tell you that. You died the way I had always imagined I would. But when it was you, it was different. Your death was not glorious or honorable, the way I had always thought such a death would be. It simply hurt. Saying that your death taught me to value my own life feels...trite. Rather, I think that what you taught me was what it means to lose someone. It hurts no matter how “useful" or “honorable" their death was. I'm sure you already know these things. I didn't, until you died. When we began our mission, I felt I had something to prove. My devotion to the crown, perhaps. My ideations of sacrifice were nothing but selfish. I simply wanted to know that I was being of use, and that was the only way I could conceive to be so. I suppose I thought that I could prove I was a good person and make my family proud. Protecting you reminded me of why I chose to be a Paladin. Not for the sake of my family, and not to be a good person, but because I love people, despite all their flaws and shortcomings. I want them to live. And if there is someone out there who thinks they're worthless, I want to show them they're wrong. Please don't let things end the way they did. Life is not done with you. You are wanted here. If you truly don't wish to return, I won't ask again. I will empty my heart of all its unsaid words now, and I will pull out every card to convince you if my plea alone is not enough. If not for my sake, or for rest of our friends, then for Markaya, your family's shop, your beliefs, or maybe just to fire The Bachelorette again. If there is one thing worth clinging to life for, please cling to it. I don't aim to trick you. I could promise you that I wouldn't put myself in front of you ever again, if that meant you would come back. I won't. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. If you think I'm wrong for that, come back here and tell me yourself. ...I am aware I act in the utmost selfishness. To carry on with grief, never knowing solace is the fate of all. Here I come with a diamond and a cleric, asking to be exempt. So be it. All my life I have hoped to live in the service of others, and I will continue that service even after I die. In pursuit of this one desire, I have decided to be greedy. I can only hope that you take some satisfaction in that. I apologize, this message has been long, and forward, and rambling. These thoughts come and sit inside, whenever I have a spare moment. I just had to tell you. I don't know if I'll get another chance. PS: If I ever find out the reason you haven't returned is to teach me some sort of lesson, or that you think coming back will somehow invalidate your sacrifice... I will find you in the afterlife and make you sorry for it.
Type
Record, Transcript (Communication)