He was drinking more since he'd come to Waterdeep. Not all of it was for cathartic purposes. Some was for the sake of revelry or camaraderie. Most of the time, though, his thoughts cleared whenever he was silently pondering the bottom of a tankard. He'd always been careful to make sure it never went beyond what was needed though. Just the mindless task of raising a drink to his lips and staring ahead amidst the ambience of the world and people around him brought a line of clarity as he blended into the midst of both, a specter caught between worlds but still surviving in that place. Just like every other being he'd ever encountered.   In a way, he was thinking a lot more these days. Since coming to Waterdeep and encountering old acquaintances and, dare he say it, friends, there was a lot more on his mind. As such, there were more drinks. This day's contemplations took shape within the rippling confines of another goblet of mead Lif had been kind enough to pour for him. And with the others preparing to head off to the Mage's guild, he considered the morality of his present course. Just as he'd done in the past. It kept him humble. Kept him repentant. Kept him moral.   They were learning more and more of his past. He was growing more comfortable sharing it too. It was only a matter of time, he supposed. He'd not allowed himself to have friends for quite some time, mostly for their protection but also because he'd never stayed long enough in one place to really make any. It was going on a month, and aside from Angus, Orion, and Kal, the group before him were getting to know him more than anyone else beyond Zora or Lirelle. He'd given a glimpse of his true self to them in the sewers and when fighting off the demons. Maybe even in helping Kal summon a few more, and also in his dealings with Durnan and Arkan. And again in revealing the return of the wizard now heading the Black Network who posed a considerable threat. His intentions were still pure, and he wanted to look out for each of them, especially with how they'd all chosen to help him.   But he was a knight of Torm, and some of the methods he'd employed were starting to muddle the line between virtuous and vile. Slaying Mamnen for Atka was to look after his friend, but the method...there was no honor in stabbing someone in the back. Just like there was no honor in executing someone for the Zhentarim or for dispatching misguided angels. There was little virtue to be found in theft or coercion, both of which were regular tactics employed by his organization as well. Yet, here he was, and he was trying his best walk a thin line. Especially with what was necessary and what was not.   "Created by Heaven, warped by Hell, and now stuck in the middle," he chuckled to himself, glancing at Angus, the minotaur explaining to Kal how his new dragonborne lawyer had cleared him of all charges. "Glad you seem to think my deeds are noble, brother."   --We both know one honorable deed doesn't erase the darkness, Callum. Just as you know this won't be the last time you're forced to accept that some evil is necessary.--   He tensed again, then shook the intrusion from his mind before taking another long drink from his mead. It pained him to admit it, but he knew there was truth in that. Evil had to be opposed. The degree was arbitrary and the lines could be blurred, but he knew evil was evil. The morality of it wasn't subjective. And yet, sometimes, he'd indulged it, knowing there was no other way. Every time he channeled the powers of Hell, he was knowingly accepting that there was necessary darkness within him and in the world around him. Whether or not that darkness triumphed and then began a broader influence through him was only determined by how much he fueled it, and many hours of prayer had already been dedicated to asking for forgiveness for the times he had. Many more would probably be required as the days pressed on.   He'd likely never know the true path to walk until he stared back at this life, he concluded, and he wouldn't justify whatever darkness he employed. In the end, he could only do his best to do what was right, and ask for forgiveness if he was wrong. He'd wrestle with the issue for as long as was necessary to remain true to his duty and Torm. And hopefully, do right by the people around him too. Maybe at the end of it all, he'd find his way back to Heaven's light again, whatever form that took.

Journal 16 - another night's reflection   I slept twice last night. Ire came to me the first time, Mamnen the second. Their airs are the same; it's so eerie. They have the same smile and laugh... the same use of language to try and trick me into gaining something for me, for them, for something else... the same need to physically put their hands on me when they are attempting to threaten me somehow. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it.   Kira must be dead now. Mamnen was showing me images and describing in great detail what he claims to have done to her. It's horrifying to me that she went out that way--similar to a piece of weaponry he just dismantles. Just thinking about how she must have felt, being lured in by a trusted figure and then--well, that. Yes, she must be dead now. And I could not save her. I couldn't even find her. And now I never will.   Delgin Quik. That had been his name, right? Angus's mentor was pretty obvious about what I was supposed to do. Go to my brother, appeal to his sense of sanity (again), and help to reconcile his soul. The soul of a quarter-devil. The soul of a quarter-devil, partially under a full devil's influence? I don't know that for sure, but it certainly stands to reason. Ire takes Mom and kills Dad, Mamnen leaves for Waterdeep to research for clues--gives up once he suspects Mom is not so innocent, I take over upon my arrival in Waterdeep and vow to summon Ire for help--giving up myself when I get too scared to actually deal with someone so frightening, reunite with Mamnen who immediately asks me to stay so we can finish "researching Mom." The way his demeanor has changed too. He's more lithe now and less muscular, he dresses for himself and not the weather or task, he's MURDERED and STOLEN and THREATENED to do so again, even eluded to already having done so... It all points to someone helping his change.   Or maybe... I'm terrified of the alternative. What if Mamnen changed of his own fruition? What if... it's possible that it could happen to me too? Would I turn on those who trust me, like he did to Kira? One of the things Mamnen claimed to be able to do was make it so my friends and I hated each other, so my choice was to end relationship with them would feel more "natural" to me. The thought of attacking and fighting against any of them... Nomad, Illidrex, Orion, Angus, Kal, Honorine, Jain, Regulus, Sadachbia... No. I would never--They would never? But what if Mamnen does have such a power.   Perhaps I should confront him alone...? What would I even say? How would I even convince him? If not by reason, something tells me my love for him won't go far. When Nomad killed Mamnen, I know it was the only way to keep me alive. At what cost though? What if we've just woken up the true devil in him, and now I've just made everyone agree to stand with me? What if by not going alone that day, we all pay the cost?