Atka and Nomad
Between rounds in the fighting pits and the more newly, morally ambiguous, but lucrative time spent in the gambling parlor, Nomad's mind continued to wander back to the past and how it was influencing his future. Out of the many facets of that subject, the one bothering him most was how the others would fare because of him. Already, Orion and Zora had made his past failings abundantly clear. It didn't matter that his intentions were good back then. To them, all he'd done is cause harm to their family, and now he had to live with that. Accept what was, and move on. But that didn't mean he needed to repeat the mistakes, or leave anyone else behind when they needed him. Or, at the very least, had use for him.
"Fuck me, I'm thinking like the Imp," he muttered to himself as he wandered the streets of Waterdeep. The confused vendor blinked twice, then handed him his bread and salted pork with a forced smile. Nomad thanked them and continued on.
Out to the docks he ventured, a familiar place on the piers calling to him as he yearned for the ambience of the sea and the smell of its waters to help still his mind and reveal the best way forward. The guards there were familiar enough with him, but thanks to Laerel's badge, they now parted way readily at his approach. He'd already prepared for their presence however, and the extra meat and bread weren't meant for him alone. The soldiers thanked him for the meal with a smile and left him alone to enjoy his.
"Atka's out there already," one of them said between mouthfuls of bread. "We figured you were meeting her."
Nomad's gaze shifted to the end of the dock where he'd once taken the tiefling long ago to settle their conflicted minds. Apparently their preference for the place hadn't changed in the years they'd been apart, and he could guess at what might be bothering her. He thanked the guards again and moved toward his friend quietly, not wanting to disturb her too abruptly. Before long, he was already beside her, the fighter acknowledging him with an upward nod and grin. He pulled a crate from a pile of supplies and sat across from her, sliding another crate between them to serve as their table. He then set out the various items he'd brought on a sheet of sack-cloth. Apples, salted pork, rye bread, a hunk of cheese, and some dried sweet potatoes along with a bottle of blueberry honeysuckle juice to wash it down. Atka smiled wider, then turned to join him after pulling a folded parcel from her pack. She undid the bundle and revealed a loaf of honeyed cornbread. The two ate in contented silence for a long while, listening to the waves and watching the glitters of sunlight bounce off the bay.
"Should I ask what brought you out here?" Nomad broke the silence as they passed the bottle of juice between them. "Or would you rather we not talk about it?"
"Should I ask the same of you?" Atka returned with a knowing grin.
He thought to hide his laugh, but then remembered his visor was up, as it was more often these days around his companions. He was still getting used to that kind of familiarity. "Gotta stop running, I've come to realize. So I'm seeking some peace from the ocean before the storm rolls in."
"Is that what you normally do before a battle?"
"Generally. And sounds like we both agree a big one's coming."
"No argument here," Atka concurred. "I'm not looking forward to the circles again. Or seeing any of...them."
"Yeah," he harmonized with a sympathetic nod. "I imagine not. You still mulling over what you spoke to me about before?"
"I haven't stopped. And Imperious hasn't helped. Or has. Ugh...I don't know. And I'm still figuring out if it's a good thing that you'd ask me to just END you if you turned evil. Makes me feel like it's going to happen to me and you'll have to do the same thing."
They both sighed at the same time, not liking the implications of what the coming days might bring. In his heart, recent happenings had only done more to convince him that the reality he'd always denied was all but inescapable at this point, and somehow or other, there was only way everything ended. At least for him. But then...
"I've asked myself a few times over the past couple of days what I'm doing here," he started over. "I've believed for years that there's only one place for me to go at the end of all of this. I'm just fighting to make sure no one else joins me there when that time comes. But there's the rub. Fighting. Not running. Think we might both be facing that fact, just in different ways."
Atka rolled her eyes. "Not looking for platitudes, Nomad. We've talked about this already."
"Yeah," he conceded, "and we're both still pretty vexed by the subject, from what I can tell."
A chuckle escaped her. "Yep." She accepted the bottle back from him, then realized something. "Hey, there's no vodka in this."
"Yeah," he admitted with a laugh. "Thought it'd be best if I cut back on my drinking a bit. Been doing too much of it lately, and I'm going to need a clear head."
"I'd have thought you'd do the opposite. Tyr knows I've thought about it."
The admission didn't escape him as he turned a curious and admiring eye her way. "Like I said, we're both done running."
"Guess so." She took a long drink followed by a deep belch which had them both smiling after.
"I knew an angel long ago. Not sure if he's still in Celestia. He was the solar of valor. Name was Emperious. EMperious. Not IMPerious, like Orion's little comrade."
Atka's eyes widened as she laughed at the admission. "Oh shit, that's some irony."
He laughed beside her. "Yeah. Definitely. But that's not the point. That is funny though...But anyway, something he told me once seems relevant now."
"And what was that?"
"Kind of what I told you before," he offered. "But he put it better than I did. So much so that I memorized it for days. Years even. Time passes differently in Celestia, and I'm glad I kept the memory. I didn't always agree with Emperious, but he had a point when it comes to our choices. He said, 'A king may move a man, a father may claim a son, but that man can also move, and only then does that man truly begin his own game. Remember that howsoever you are played or by whom, your soul is in your keeping alone, even though those who presume to play you be kings or beings of power. When you stand before your God, you cannot say, ‘But I was told by others to do thus,’ or that virtue was not convenient at the time. This will not suffice.'" He paused, the weight of those words resonating more deeply within him than they had in the past. "I remember that now as forces move to influence me. For good or evil. And I find comfort in it knowing the choice will always be mine, even if it's hard."
Her eyes narrowed, but not in any outward frustration that he could see. She was merely contemplating what he'd said.
"I just thought it might mean something to you. Old wisdom from someone I once admired to someone I admire now."
A bit of color dotted her cheeks at the compliment. "It certainly sounds wise, and it likely is." Squinting a looking slightly to the upper right to consider it further, "I am not sure of its relevance to me yet. Yes, I feel pulled between conflicting advice from those around me--or maybe even impulses within myself that the advice just snaps on and sends me into question." Atka paused and leaned back onto her hands. "Illidrex encouraged me to consider what it is that I want, and I feel that the crux of that advice is the same--to make movement of your own accord, your own nature perhaps."
"And that is what you feel conflicted about?"
"The nature of good and evil, right and wrong seems plain to me, but yes, my role, my innate character feels empty. It never used to. When Mamnen and I were little," she paused again and was overcome with a smile, "I found such joy in training, whether in secret or out in the open. I loved hearing my mother's stories of all the things she did for the good people around Faerun, I wanted to be half as wise and philosophical as my twin. I wanted to leave this stupid legacy of changing the way people looked at girls who fight--tiefling girls who fight and do it well." Atka scoffed and rolled her eyes. "But it was twisted manipulation that it was even a thought that they couldn't fight to begin with. Mamnen and my mother had other intentions for me, I guess. I'm not sure what Mamnen's are yet, short of just keeping me in submission, but my mother's were clear, if I believe Ire's word that she intended to leave me to my devilish upbringing."
Nomad cleared his throat about to say or ask something, but in haughtiness, Atka continued,
"And it just is not the case, is it? No one in Waterdeep, Neverwinter, or even any part of Faerun that I have met has ever questioned or expected me not to be able to fight well or judged me for doing so. Lord Dagult relies on it, the Ring--Manshoon used it to send my life into another direction, and then there's all the evidence to the contrary in my mercenary work, meeting you all, hells--Zora is even a prime example. So! That dream of wanting to dispel that prejudice and leave a legacy was a farce, no?" Laughing slightly and quietly, she inhaled deeply.
"I find myself lost because I have no center. I find that I define myself more in what I don't want to do's rather than what I do want for myself. You seem so directed by another's guidance, you wear that necklace of Torm, is that right? I find that comforting as it reminds me of my home in Neverwinter. Lord Dagult has Torm priests there... And that may be my problem is I am aimless because I am godless, for the most part. I mean, a part-devil mother didn't instill god-abiding direction for any of us. And I've asked for help from Tyr, someone who probably should not appeal to the impulsive nature of someone like me, but here I sit, pretty directionless yet. Perhaps I am not for him. Does any of that make sense?"
"For someone who seemed not to want to talk about it, you had a lot to say." Nomad nodded. "Of course it makes sense. You don't sound foolish at all either. I know you worry about that."
"Thank you," she smiled. "I've been following people's suggestions all of my life. I don't even know if there's a 'me' to follow in there, or if she was lost when Ire severed my connection to Mamnen. That was truly when I started not feeling so surefooted in my own choices."
"You aren't what you're born," he spoke in response as much for her as for himself, "but what you have it in yourself to be. I guess that goes for both of us, because I never would have dreamed Torm would answer the prayers of a fallen angel. So take it from me: if Tyr is where your heart calls you, then a good warrior of Tyr you'll be, if that's what you want for yourself, Atka. Feel like I'm living proof anyone can become what they have it in their heart to be, despite the odds."
She smiled wider. "Why Torm, anyway? Did you worship him in your old life?"
The question seemed to catch him off guard by the way his eyes immediately went to the planks of the dock. "Hmm..."
"What? Oh, sorry if that was intruding."
"No, no," he caught himself. "It's just, no one's really asked me that before. The answer was always just, there, for me. In my heart. In my soul. I have plenty of reasons to worship other gods. Bahamut for honor. Tempus for war. But I was the aspect of Wrath in Celestia, and it was my duty to carry out Heaven's fury on our enemies. I always considered it my duty to do so with honor. Wage war with valor. To do anything else would be to liken myself to the fiends I fought against." He took the offered bottle from her. "After my fall, it's still duty that compels me. I started praying to Torm after Tyreal's sacrifice. Don't know how he heard me in the depths of Hell, but he did, and he still does. And I have no idea why he does because I'd have thought the gods were through me a long time ago."
"But still you fought. Still you worshipped," she pointed out.
He nodded. "Yeah. That always felt the right thing to do. Still does. So, in a way, we're kind of in the same boat. Finding our path, hopefully to our gods. And I'm all the happier and honored to be fighting beside a devout of Tyr. To me, the fact that our gods brought us together again is a good sign, even if we're still trying to make sense of it in this world and within ourselves. I hope that brings you comfort too, Atka."
She nodded, considering his logic and trying to apply it to her situation. It wasn't as easy with the number of influences vying for her. What was right for her and what was wrong, but maybe there was something to her recent shift toward Tyr and her faith in general.
"It's all your call, Atka," he concluded. "And if you need another way of looking at it, and if it's not too much to impose, then know that I'm hoping you'll continue on this path too. It gives me hope to see another who wrestles with the light and darkness within them, yet chooses light. Whatever form that might take. Makes me seek the light within myself."
Atka smiled slightly and looked down at the tail that had somehow, in her venting, had ended up resting draped over her lap and thus the dock. "Can I be honest with you about something?"
"I don't think we should stop now." Nomad said, which induced a chuckle from them both. Atka looked over at him and studied for a moment, as if THIS was her secret.
"This is awkward for me to say because I feel like it sounds like something odd to compliment someone on--that said," she paused and sat up straight, grabbing a lock of her hair and fidgeting with it. "It was actually your manifestation of devotion that caused me to ask for help in desperation to a god I had only read about between missions--one who I imagine, if heard, would be confused, maybe even put off. The more I hear of your story of light and dark, and now the interwoven role of Torm's interventions, I don't know... I just know that I would not be trying to respond to the virtues of Tyr, which really are closest I know that I want to be mine, if you were not so open and bound to yours."
Nomad was surprisingly still as she talked, she noted. Atka wondered if she was right that it had been an awkward thing to say. Or if he thought she meant... Oh no, she thought.
"I'm not power-hungry!"
"What's that?" Nomad responded in surprise.
"I just mean, I know that you have some extraordinary ability that you attribute to Torm, and that's not what I'm looking for. I don't expect direct intervention, or even guidance at all, I just meant that I just thought that because someone hears you so obviously that maybe someone is watching and listening to me too. And maybe I have a say in that." Atka swung her legs a bit staring out into the water and continued to fidget with her hair. "I'm not power-hungry... as much as Orion and Imperious want me to embrace that particular expression out of hate and prejudice rather than experience."
Nomad shook his head. "No worries there, Atka. You're not the kind who lusts for power. I know that beyond any doubt. But we're all subject to the influence of...well, everything. I don't blame you for considering what those two have said. It's probably good to give it some thought. That way you can know for certain which path you want to walk. And I think you already know what that is. You just need to reason it out, and there's nothing wrong with that."
He took a drink, then passed the remainder of the bottle back to her.
"I've had my doubts too. I'm honored you'd hold me or my faith in such high regard. But I hope that helps to know along with everything else I've had to find my way too. As an angel, things were so much simpler. My life's mission was to destroy the evil at the gates of Celestia. Now...I've had a family. I've had to learn what it means to live as a man. Live with pain, and not just physical pain, but the pain of failure, doubt. Despair. Like my failure to Orion and Zora. They've made it clear to me that despite my best intentions, I was wrong. You can bet that hurts. Makes me wonder if I've failed Torm too, or just failed in my faith to his intervention or theirs. Maybe I should have had more. Done more. The point is, I'm willing to find those answers if I can. Just like you're finding yours."
He leaned back on his crate, eyes looking back out over the harbor. "So yeah, I think Tyr would be lucky to have your prayers, Atka. Not to be too blasphemous. I can't fathom the mind of a divine, but I'm willing to bet that a warrior who wishes to serve and follow out of the goodness of their heart is a lot more valuable than one who just wants more power. At least with the first, I know the determination already within their heart. What comes from Tyr's favor from that is just a secondary effect of what's already within you. That's what I believe, anyway."
He turned back to her. "Besides, I still don't know why Torm listens to my prayers, of all people. I know I try to do good. Uphold my duty to that cause. But whatever power is channeled through me...I trust he has his reasons, because I have no fucking idea why he'd take the time for a fallen angel like me. I'm just grateful he does, and I won't waste his faith in me. Maybe your path to Tyr starts with knowing he has faith you, like Torm has faith in me. Regardless of the reason."
"I used to think I was pretty good at reading people--but I think I'm just good at reading what they show me, because often what they tell me that is bubbling under the surface appears to be different," she laughed and then explained, "You appeared outwardly not to be inwardly struggling with anything related to faith or confidence in your faith. Illidrex appears to be pretty balanced, yet admits to experiencing turmoil inside." Atka looked over at Nomad slyly. "I'm not saying it is good, bad, better, or worse to project a certain image, because goodness knows I wear what I feel on my sleeve at all times and I am pretty transparent, yet have found that problematic and confusing."
"I don't mean to be rude in asking this, Atka, but where did that come from? We were talking about faith--"
"It's not rude. I can see it being confusing. I'm thinking that perhaps my lack of restraint is why I might be struggling. You, even Illidrex, temper your actions based on something more than yourselves--whether that is faith for Illidrex, I'm not sure, but it does not matter. He believes in something, because he has these cards he uses to divine guidance through, and I can only imagine that being faith-based to some degree even if not to a specific god--"
"Cards?" Nomad sounded cautious.
Atka nodded, looked at the bottle he had given her, and took a quick drink. "Yes, I went to him for clarity after Imperious attempted to tempt me... He encouraged me to be open and I suppose that is fair advice, but I, of course, wore it on my sleeve about how I didn't really know who I was, and he offered the cards. Pulled three. The Elementalist was the first which was related to my connection to fire, the Enchanter that faced him and not me, which I guess means I am not someone who will manipulate or influence someone, and then the Missionary, which is what got me thinking about faith and whether I should pursue Tyr's path to begin with." Atka sighed. "Now that I think about it, it's just another 'thing' telling me what to do and might not be authentic either, right?"
He considered her question for a moment, then just shrugged, a helpless smile on his face as he did so. "I'm not one to judge whatever means you need to pursue in order to find your faith, Atka. If that deck of Illidrex's is what helped direct you to Tyr, the important thing is you felt compelled to do so by your own volition. I don't know what that Taroka, Taraka...shit, can't remember the name...I don't know what the cards are all about, but who's to say it's not for something good?"
"Or bad?" she challenged.
He nodded readily. "Could be. Won't know until it's revealed though."
"Kind of like your thoughts on Orion and Imperious?"
Nomad offered her a salute. "Exactly. I think what he's doing is going to blow up in our face in a big way. It's probably going to end with me back in Hell or Asmodeus finding..."
His silence along with his practice of stilling his breathing betrayed the struggle within Atka had noted before. She gave him some time before prompting him onward. "...But?"
"But..." he regained his focus. "We won't know that until it actually happens. Then we'll go from there."
"So that means there's no guarantee that it'll come back to bite us like you said, Nomad," she pointed out.
"Maybe, Atka. I know what I know, believe what I believe. But with all that being the case, same logic applies to you. And that brings us right back to where we started. You want to know if it's Tyr you should follow. The means might be unorthodox, but they still led you to him. What's the harm going to be if you actually tried following him?"
Now she laughed. "According to your reasoning, it might land us in Hell!"
"OK, now that's a jump," he played into her teasing. "But you get my point, right? I never thought I'd find salvation in Hell, after all. Tyreal made his way down there to get me out. Salvation takes many forms. Even in a deck of cards, it would seem. Who knows? Maybe Torm will act through me to save Orion's soul when things get to their worst. Won't know that until it actually happens either, and if that moment comes, I'll be glad to have my faith and Torm to guide me, even if the path I walked to get there had me asking questions along the way."
She regarded him for a few moments, a more amiable expression on her face rather than the troubled demeanor she wore so frequently when trying to find herself and her way. "You think you're going to end up in Hell some day?"
A long steadying breath answered her question first. Then he turned to her. "Yeah. I do. May not have been myself doing all of it in the past, but I've done too much wrong, Atka. As a devil and a man. And Asmodeus has already claimed one angel I knew. Even the strongest of us can fall. I know better than to underestimate him or how far his reach might be. I'm just hoping to do something good before that day comes."
"You think that kind of outlook might detract from the duty you believe Torm wants you to uphold?" she posed next. "He already intervened for you once. You don't believe he will again?"
"Maybe he will," he granted her with a wan smile. "Won't know until the day comes. Neither will you on your path till you start taking steps on it. But I think the cards already got your feet moving. We wouldn't be having this conversation otherwise, I don't think. That, and you being transparent is actually pretty inspiring. Even towards faith."
That took her by surprise. "Now that, you're going to have to explain to me. It gives me a great deal of confusion, more often than not."
"Inspires me to live in the moment," he answered readily. "Even if I'm bound to Hell, I can live in faith in the present. Here, and now, Torm is watching. Acting. Who would I be to deny him that by shying away from an open conversation with a friend? I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for your honesty. Gods know I've spent enough years trying to hide as much as I could. Maybe it's time to change that."
Atka smiled brightly. "Yes!" she erupted a bit, seeming to startle them both. She covered her mouth and chuckled into her hands. She dropped her arms into her lap, smile no less bright. "What I mean is," she started much quieter, "While I cannot speak for others, I know that your opening up would mean so much to me. It poses risks, certainly, but the heart is a muscle too. Build its resilience and recovery time, and the ability to bounce back or trust the next person is made to be easier. To be honest, I don't think I'd be alive if I didn't share everything when prompted."
"What do you mean?" Nomad asked.
"I got used to never being able to lie when growing up. Terrible face for it, Mamnen always said. And I left home so young, that my first exposure to someone outside of my family became my best friend--Kira, an elf from the North somewhere. We were both in line to see the Ring Ma--ahem, Manshoon. Anyway, I wouldn't have grown so close to her if I hadn't had opened up to my intentions that first day meeting. In fact, it was with her help that I even found Manshoon's castle... And Manshoon is another example. I had no trouble bargaining a deal to summon Ire--telling my WHOLE story--in exchange to become his servant. Luckily, Lord Dagult intervened, and is yet another example of good fortune for transparency. I really have been quite lucky, I guess. The only one who seems to think I shouldn't be so open is Renaer and, pardon my indecency, fuck that guy."
Nomad laughed at that. "Indeed, I would drink to that, but..."
"But. Yes." Atka nodded with a smile. "I knew I had your support there. Still, long quest to drive home the point that I'm in complete agreement with your opening up a bit. Risks or no. Although, I know you seem to have more safety risks than I do."
That made Nomad stiffen slightly, as the air was no longer quite as jovial. Atka sensed it, but held space for it this time, not wanting to just talk over it. "Nomad, you've mentioned a few times to me, in front of me, or within earshot of me that you believe you pose a risk to us just by being you or being here--because of your history that we've now discussed at length, though I doubt presume to know even most of it... Do you want further protection or something? I may not hold your abilities, or carry your weight, but I've been assigned to a person for protection since I was sixteen. Dagult when in Neverwinter, and whoever the mission was when not. Friends, true friends, help carry the weight you bear without the need of you asking... and this is while you're on this plane, doing good before you're destined for Hell, if that's where you'll go." Atka stopped there and just hoped he didn't reiterate her promise to end him if he couldn't remain composed and balanced to good.
The darkening atmosphere between them persisted as he considered what she was offering. Memories of the past, especially his most recent interactions with Zora and Orion came readily to mind in a long list of painfully learned lessons. For the longest time, he'd kept everyone out. Don't let anyone too close. For their good. For their safety. Now, that option was becoming increasingly harder to indulge. Not with as many moving parts as were coming into play.
"If you're offering to stand by me, fight for me if it came to it, I'd gladly accept the help," he conceded, silencing every voice in his head that screamed at him to retract what he'd just said. "And you have my thanks for it. Truly. But you have to promise me something."
Atka waved him on, wanting to throw him into a warm and boisterous hug but knowing that might be pushing things too far. Besides, she wasn't sure what she was about to promise, so it was probably best to save the hug for later.
"When the time comes, if I tell you to walk away or not take the fight, I need you to trust me, OK?"
She blinked. "As long as you're not just abandoning me. Or us. You don't get to decide which fights I take and which one's I don't. Especially if I'm looking out for you."
"No, it's not that," he clarified. "What I mean is, there will come a time when my past is going to catch up to me, and it may very well be my score to settle alone. Not because I don't want to risk you or anyone else, but because I'm still part of the eternal conflict. Heaven and Hell. There are some things that can only be settled between angels and fiends. Trust me when that moment comes, even if it means you won't see me for a while."
Atka exhaled long and hard with a big huff. "That's a big ask, Nomad. Especially when it just sounds like an easy out for you and an easy way to placate me."
"Not placating you, Atka. Not disguising my intentions. When I end up in Hell, it's not going to be in chains. It'll be with a sword in my hands and a song in my heart, because I'll go fighting. And you can be damn sure I'll do everything in my power to stave that day off for as long as I can for the people I care about. But one day, there will come a foe I can't defeat. That none of us can defeat. That will be my eternal fight. Trust me when it comes, because that's the destiny I can face proudly, even in damnation. Let me take my duty to the next life, with all the fury I possess, and live in what I hope will be the better world I'll leave behind."
Their eyes lingered on one another for some time, the gentle lapping of the waves filling the silence between them. Before long, he extended his hand to her.
"Callum."
Atka blinked again. "Callum?"
"That's my real name. Callum Virtusaerna, Solar of Wrath. Most people find Nomad easier, so we can keep that if you want. But still...wanted you to know my real name."
Staring momentarily at his extended hand perhaps a bit too long, Atka snapped her head up to look at him. "Callum Virtu-saer-na," she pronounced deliberately and shook it being careful to not "break" the connection and new step that had been taken. "I remember when I was on missions I used a name that was simpler. Not to hide so much as to not deal with mispronunciation and questions. Either way, I'm glad you told me. Solar, though... I have not heard that term before."
"Angel, Atka. Angel is the term that is used here. You've known that about me for awhile now."
"I met an angel for a bit before we had to... uh, progress things with Mamnen. He actually now that I think of it had a lot of and none of your qualities. Very intense energy, very direct, and I guess he's a solar then too? I don't know. He used to be found at a library in Waterdeep, but now I don't see him, and Mamnen alluded to 'taking care of his helping of' me. I know that devils can be sent back to Hell; and I know that anyone can be sent to Hell. What if something to that angel? Where would he have gone?"
Callum, now donning that name to Atka, peered curiously at her, looked briefly to the horizon, and said, "That depends on a lot of things, Atka."
"I feel guilty about it. If anything sinister happened to him, I would want to save him too, because I exposed him to whatever is going on with Mamnen."
"You cannot take responsibility for that. If he was helping you, you did not force him. You said so yourself, remember? You don't manipulate or influence people," Callum said, and Atka squinted at him trying to figure out if he was teasing. "You said so yourself. The cards."
Atka shrugged it off. "I don't take responsibility, but I acknowledge my role, is all." She paused, assuming Callum would try to lull her again. He didn't, but he did wait for her to continue patiently. "Did you... I mean, could... When you fought for Celestia, before everything changed, did you know many angels or why some of them may not be in Celestia?"
Callum shifted, unsure where it was going, and mostly hoping specifics were not asked. "Of course I knew others... and I assume everyone has their reasons for the part they play."
"If there is a big to do between Celestia and Baator, what role would an angel be filling being here in Waterdeep? Monitoring for devils perhaps?"
"Atka, I can't answer that, because--"
"Did you know an angel named Castiel? And if so, do you have any idea what might have happened to him if Mamnen did something--whether killed or... I don't even know what else?"
Callum reached deep into his memory, particularly that which involved the 24 Solar. None of them struck a resemblance to what Atka was describing. "It's not unheard of for angels to travel the planes in crusades for noble causes, but it's not just Solar that do so. There are lesser angels, Planetar and Deva, who do the same. Is it possible that Castiel was one of these?"
Atka shrugged. "How would I know the difference?"
"No, I suppose you wouldn't unless you knew what to look for," he reasoned aloud, remembering that not all angels chose to display their majesty openly. He'd been one of them. "I don't think such an angel would be easily overcome by a mortal. Perhaps influenced, but not defeated. However, that doesn't mean angels are perfect or invincible. Nor are we beyond corruption. There was one of us long ago who proved that perhaps the most dangerous enemies to Heaven are those that have fallen from it."
"Which angel was that?" Atka pressed.
Nomad's head tilted somewhat as his expression grew distant. He gave her time to consider the possible answers.
Her eyes were downcast after a moment. "Oh..."
He nodded in confirmation of her understanding. "Castiel...I'll see what I can find out. I just hope he's on our side."
That had Atka looking back to him in confusion. "Why wouldn't he be? If he's an angel like you, wouldn't he want to defeat the fiends?"
"That would likely be his intention, but he might also wish to remove all threats to Heaven. Like me."
"You?" She shook her head. "But you're not..."
"I know history," he clarified. "I know secrets. I know strengths and weaknesses. Asmodeus knows them now, as do his generals. What else might they learn if they captured me again? There are those in Heaven who won't take a chance on that information becoming known to our foes. Or another one of us bolstering his infernal ranks like Zariel. She's perhaps the second greatest example of the danger a fallen angel possesses to all realms." His fist clenched and unclenched. "Besides...it wouldn't be the first time angels have hunted me. Suppose we won't know if that's what Castiel's about till we ask him."
"You mean to do that?" the tiefling balked. "Even if there's a chance he means you harm?"
The fallen angel shrugged again. "Better to get that out of the way in a setting of my choosing than an ambush of his. Besides, if it means we get closer to Mamnen, maybe even redeeming him, that's a risk I'm willing to take. Both of our causes are satisfied."
Atka gritted her teeth. "Oh gods, I have no mind for research memory. Mamnen was always the researcher, problem-solver, detective. Give me a second to see if I can help the search without adding to our many lists of tasks and people to find, Callum." Atka fumbled with her pouch at her side and pulled out her familiar journal. Callum looked at it with curiosity, finding the memory of it very clear in his own mind. Atka had had very peculiar behavior about its contents and the papers shoved in it when they first met. Atka was blind to him and his presence at that moment as she fingered through the pages tenderly, and he could sense that.
She sifted through the pages and read briefly, "'I will meet with AN ANGEL tomorrow. An actual angel. I guess he is fallen...'" She looked up at Callum now. "So, Mamnen knew Castiel was, in fact, fallen. Not sure if that is helpful with the difference between Solar...and...um..."
"Planetar. Deva." Callum filled in.
"Right. Planetar. Deva." She sighed, remembering her brief conversations with Castiel, and those with Mamnen about him. Another sigh. "They must have left some clue--I don't think..."
"Well, tell me more about what you do know, Atka. Instead of looking for the hidden message, maybe I can help parse the details you have apart and see something you don't or rule something out," Callum suggested.
"Well, for one, he was huge--towered Mamnen easily and that's hard because he's a foot on me--and I'm not small, or even average. He wore his wings out like an iconic piece of himself, perhaps he couldn't hide them or didn't want to?"
"Hm..." Callum already had an idea, she suspected. "Go on."
"Oh, he just knew when I was withholding truth or attempting to lie--even called Mamnen out on it, too. For whatever reason, Mamnen was terrified of him. I've never seen him act that way about anyone. But Castiel? A mere mention of his name, and Mamnen... well, it was one of the ways I got to him. But Mamnen's fear shifted after he was resurrected...if that's what happened." Atka gasped interrupting her own thoughts. "He left a note in the journal, hidden for me to find to clue me into his powers becoming 'perfect'--I think he means telekinesis...but it perplexes me. Almost like a riddle. Maybe it'll give you insight into him or this... Let me find it and read." She open up the back cover and out slid a well-read folded piece of parchment. She cleared her throat a bit, eyed Callum briefly and read softly,
"Deep within, my power is growing.
I feel it.
I move my eyes and the books on the shelves follow.
I thrust down a finger and the hammer strikes steel perfectly.
I feel it.
What else can move with it? What else can I do?
Unleash me, I hear it.
Unleash it, I will.
No more will I be bound by disenfranchisement.
A world that confuses devils for dealers and dealers for devils."
Callum was taking it all in: Castiel's possible angelic denomination, his possible fate, Mamnen's cryptic message. "You know him better," he started, "What do you make of it?"
"What? This?" She lifted the note to clarify.
"Yes, he is your twin."
Atka cracked her neck instinctively, unsure why Callum's candid riposte reached her activation as if being scolded by her father, her mentor, her lord... "It's difficult to say. Sounds nothing like the twin I was once connected to at all."
"Hm," Callum vocalized. Atka felt almost studied for a moment and placed both hands, not releasing the note, on her abdomen. "Good," he said after a moment.
"What? What does that mean, 'Good'?"
"Good that you cannot understand or empathize with the horseshit you just read."
"Horseshit. Peculiar image," Atka noted. "Callum, am I able to appeal to Mamnen's good side or are you slowly losing faith the more I reveal? And what of Castiel? Did that help? Did he... Is he...?"
"As for Castiel, I can't really say," Callum replied with a shake of his head. "He sounds like a Planetar, but as for his motives...his fate...It's hard to tell. Angels can act with a great degree of mystery depending on their goals. Just because they're angels doesn't mean they're beyond certain means. Castiel could be employing any number of them. But the fact that Mamnen is afraid of him, or respects him at the very least, is a good sign to me. Castiel is either an angel acting with good intention and trying to bring your brother back to the light, albeit heavy-handedly, or he's working for someone else, and it's not often an angel does something so dangerous that it brings into question their morality. Angels who lack that don't last long in Celestia or anywhere else."
"Why's that?" she posed.
"Same reason there's a few hunting me. No risks. No taking chances on evil claiming another one of us." He waved the subject away. "But as for your brother. Can you appeal to him? Maybe. I want to believe no one is beyond redemption." A chuckle escaped him at that. "I mean...how else would I be here? Your brother wasn't always evil. It stands to reason there's something left within him that remembers the goodness he once possessed. The love he felt for you. You won't know till you try."
She huffed, but nodded in agreement. "Sounds like we won't know a lot of things till we just go after them."
"Yeah," he lamented beside her. "That seems to be the way of it. But good to know where we stand while we make our approach, at least. Not fun potentially running headlong into danger, but not much choice otherwise."
"Well that's pretty much what we're doing by going after the hoard," Atka pointed out. "What we've been doing for the last few months now. I guess we're staying consistent."
He laughed. "As it's been since I met you. Don't tell us 'no,' right?"
"Don't. Don't tell me 'don't.'" she corrected with a big, amused grin.
"Oh right," Callum jeered.
"Doesn't it seem absolutely out-of-sorts that all of these things are happening at once? I mean it's hard enough for me to balance my usual life of--you know, Ire night terrors and mercenary work and appealing Dagult's whims... Hmmm. Callum?"
"Yes?"
"Why haven't you advised me not to feel a certain way about Dagult? It must be odd for you too, seeing as Zora is pining after Renaer--and here, you have me? Doing something, or feeling some type or way toward Renaer's...father. It is certainly odd for me. Makes me feel like I should hang out with more people my age or something..."
Callum was pretty uncomfortable at the beginning of her questioning, obviously not liking Zora and Renaer's fondness, but the more she talked it eased him up. "I guess it's not my place to tell you how to feel."
"Please. Like that has ever stopped you. Hell, Renaer, who doesn't even like me, has no problem telling me how I should feel, how Dagult must feel...or doesn't feel..." She unconsciously cracked her neck again. "You didn't even have trouble advising Zora of your disappointment when she introduced--"
"Zora is my daughter."
"I'm someone's daughter. Renaer is Dagult's son. I don't know where exactly I'm going with that point, but I do know that I am both relieved and questioning your feelings about my questioning about Dagult. You never said anything when Renaer first outed me, when most did. Perhaps you made glances too?"
"No."
"I mean, you could've. You had a facial covering."
"Atka, no." Callum laughed a bit. "Just drop it. I don't feel like it's my place to say anything about your love life."
"Really? Nothing? Not even to someone who everyone else in this city--that I've met--thinks is a devil in human skin?" Atka's voice was dripping with skepticism.
"What happened to that entertainer you mentioned?"
"Don't--he's not around anymore. Don't you make me tell you why." Atka rolled her head around her shoulders a bit, eyeing Callum the entire time sadly. Callum didn't have to guess for very long. He just nodded. "You're sure you're not losing faith in his ability to be redeemed?"
"I'm not losing faith in my belief that no one is beyond redemption, Atka. That includes Mamnen. Again, though, we won't know--"
"Until I try. I know! But what if I am not GOOD enough? I don't mean aptitude-wise. Even Illidrex's cards read that I was not one to manipulate or influence others, what if my goodness is not good enough to sway him? There's just so much pressure and he's so good at it."
"Good at...?" Callum inquired.
"Influence. He can make me feel whatever he wants to, whether I prepare for it or not. If anyone can convince me to be my 'true nature' if devil is what that is, it'd be him." Atka admitted, frowning and looking down at the water. They sat in silence for awhile. "Anyway, thank you for respecting my choices about Dagult, even if they aren't in my best interest."
He chuckled as he reflected on his past. "Every angel in Celestia would have told me to stay away from any mortal. Especially for love. Who am I to tell you what to do with your heart when I've defied everyone I once knew? But, if you're looking for guidance, follow your heart, Atka. Even if Dagult is the person many claim he is, you won't know until you actually pursue him. You won't know if he's the person YOU want until you do. But maybe..." he bowed his head to her. "Don't be afraid to keep a friend close. I'm feeling fairly protective of those I care about. He better treat you right."
"Like Ranaer better treat Zora right?" she probed.
He nodded. "Exactly."
They both shared a laugh before continuing. "Heaven doesn't believe in sharing love?"
"No, no," he was quick to reply, shifting his weight. "Far from it. Love sustains us and empowers us. However it's widely believed that mortals carry a degree of corruption or influence from darker forces, therefore their view of the world and methods can lead an angel astray despite having noble intentions. Love, however noble, is still susceptible to corruption."
"And do you believe that now?"
He shook his head. "No. Now...having lived as a man, loved as one, I believe love is the strongest force in this world, capable of bringing out both the best and worst in mortals. Though, in my experience, I've been blessed to know only the best from the woman I shared my heart with. I hope, whoever you share yours with, they can bring out the best in you as you will do with them. Who knows? Dagult might be a manipulative con artist, but who's to say you couldn't sway him to something nobler?"
Atka laughed, shaking a loose strand of hair from her face. "You honestly think I could do that?"
"I honestly think you could do a great many things, Atka," he answered without hesitation. "Anything you set your mind to. I may not be able to fathom every thought you have rattling around in that head of yours, but when it comes to what's in your heart..." He offered a warm smile. "I know you won't lead yourself, or me, astray. So I think the most important question is: what is it that YOU want, Atka?"
Atka's brilliantly crimsoned face faded softly at the direct question. What did she want? "I want my innocence back, really. That my mother was a decent mercenary out for altruism--my goal--, who wanted her kids to excel for their own growth and not to be pawns of her brother's evil. I want a real love not based on fulfilling some type of need or role. I want a family. I want purpose. I want fulfillment."
Callum looked on at her just smiling.
"Sounds like I want too much, doesn't it, Callum?" she blushed and turned away, embarrassed to have been so brazen.
He turned her cheek back to face him and shook his head. "No," he said softly and withdrew his hand. "You don't sound like someone without a center, who doesn't know who she is or what she wants. That's all."
Atka smiled a bit, eyes glistening with impressed emotion. "Oh my goodness...! CALLUM! You just-- I just-- gods help me, it's as if everything that has happened to confuse me in the past few tendays has led to this single moment of clarity! You are my sign!"
Callum chuckled at her fervor. "I'm your 'sign?'"
"I asked Tyr for guidance, a direction, anything to help me find sense in all of this. I've been whiteknuckling my horns waiting for that to happen since I quietly asked into the night. You, my Torm devoutee, just solidified Tyr's listening to me and answering my request!" Atka was beaming, and she hoped against hope that Callum didn't smudge her newfound light. But Callum was smarter than to do that. No matter if Torm and Tyr were different in the god pantheon, no matter if her sign could be explained in a million ways, she assumed he must've known better than to deny her the light she just found.
"Atka, as I said, I would be honored to stand beside a follower of Tyr and call her friend, especially if she was anything like you."
Atka crinkled her nose, blew some strands of hair out of her face, and lightly jabbed a fist into his bicep. "We can tone down the flattery, no? Your daughter and her boyfriend will start to solidify the rumor that I actually am an attempted family obliterator."
"Eesh," vocalized Callum. "Who said that to you?"
"Renaer... right before I realized how lost Mammy for the worst." Atka shuttered a bit. "The hardest part wasn't that Renaer said it and meant it; it was that the brother I knew and loved believed him."
"To be honest, I don't know what Zora sees in him," Callum grunted.
"I do," Atka said. "The conviction in values, the rapier sharp wit, the handsome charm--when I deafen my bias of him--I mean, she could fight for a cause or man far worse."
"Are YOU defending the little Neverember, Atka Marduk?"
"When I am not physically protecting him, I guess I am mentally. Always the mission."
"You sound sad," Callum noted.
"Dagult has given me a questionable taste in my mouth since I met and courted Ilanir... It was different."
Callum cocked his head to the side, curiously. "You're going to have to humor me on this one. I met Ilanir once, and he was kind. I obviously have not personally met Dagult Neverember."
"Completely different kind," she said and emphasized the word 'kind.' She cleared her throat and looked away from Callum at that moment. "I noticed when I first started receiving flirtatious comments and letters--my missions became more dangerous, challenging, dire. I often wonder if he turns on charm just to see what I can or will accomplish for him, because he... And then I catch myself saying stuff like this aloud and feeling like a blasphemer to the ONE LORD who gave me a real chance, who saved me from what easily could've been a servitude to Manshoon, if you can imagine."
"Hm...you felt conflicted about him when we first met as well. I remember."
"He is a lot older than I am."
"That wasn't why, was it?" Callum challenged her poignantly.
Atka flinched as if his words had actually reached out and touched her. "No. It was the same worry I mentioned. This mission now of bringing his son back to Neverwinter? I worry he means to possibly end me in the process, because he wanted me to do covertly and alone. All of this? And he suspected nothing of its depth and danger? Me, alone? Seeing as I may have partially motivated Renaer's departure, I worry..."
"You're making it difficult for my continued, unyielding support of your love for this man."
Atka tenderly peered to Callum after this raspy comment. "You talk a great deal about your great love... What I know I really want, what I probably could have had with Ilanir...but yet you've mentioned few specifics. If you're comfortable, what does it feel like for you? What questions burned in your mind-body-soul about her? How did you know you were making the right choice, or that her intention were for your best days?"
He took a long, steadying breath, smiling as he did so. "Going straight for the heavy stuff now, aren't we."
"If you're not comfortable..." she started, but Callum already had his hand up, silencing any worries she was about to express.
"No worries there. Just been a long time since I've spoken of it. To anyone outside Zora, that is. But how did it feel? Well...What do you feel when you're on the eve of battle?"
Atka considered her answer for a moment. "Nervous, I suppose, even if I'm assured that I have to win. To lose is death, or maybe even worse."
"That was my heart when I first met her," he confirmed. "Felt like a war of passion against caution was raging in my heart. The heat, the fear...Didn't know whether to trust her. Or if not doing so would be worse for me. A lingering regret over the years. Her beauty captured me, but it was her compassion that truly drew my affection for her. I tried hard to push her away. For months even. But still she kept coming to me. Offered to dress my wounds. Even when I told her she was better off without me, she proved she believed otherwise. Bit by bit, I began to realize nothing else mattered as much as her."
Atka blinked, squinting after a time as she processed his answer. "No immediate draw? No 'love at first sight?'"
He shrugged. "Doesn't always work that way, I guess. But love tends to surprise you. That much I know for certain. I'm fairly confident that's been your experience with Dagult, right?"
"I'm not sure if what I feel is love or not," she said, then huffed. "But...I know what my heart wants. As I did with Ilanir. And I suppose Dagult's willingness to grant me a second chance after I failed in the rings only helped strengthen the feelings I started realizing I held for him."
A chuckle escaped him. "Seems like love crept up on both of us. And as to the other part of your question--how did I know? I guess I never really did for some time. But when finally I let down my guard and just let myself feel...Everything became clear. I had to let her show me how she would love me and how much. And in turn, I had the chance to do the same. It was a gradual process, but we reached our best days together." He withdrew, eyes drifting toward the sea. "I just hope I can give those days to my daughter again. Especially now that I know what she's been up to." His eyes found Atka's again. "So find yourself something like that, OK? Someone you can find your way with together. That's what I believe, anyway. You of all the people I've met know best how to just 'feel.' Sometimes it can get you into trouble, but others? Other times it helps you truly live, and I envy you for that. I've spent seventy some years on the material plane, and I feel you've far outlived me already, if that makes any sense."