AT&T: An American Farce

A Tuesday in July, 2021

In Kato's Realm

Kato: [Dialing 800 number to try to pay AT&T landline Bill]

AT&T Robot: Welcome to AT&T. We care about your business. How can we help you today? You can say things like, "I want to pay my AT&T Wireless bill". Or, "I want to pay my Uverse bill."

Kato: I need to pay my landline bill.

AT&T Robot: I will connect you now.

Kato: [waits patiently]

AT&T human: Welcome to AT&T Wireless. Can I have your name and your pin number?

Kato: I am trying to pay my landline phone bill and need to change some of the services we have currently.

AT&T human: What is your AT&T Wireless number?

Kato: I don't have one. I just want to pay my landline bill.

AT&T human: You can pay your bill online by going to ATT.com

Kato: No, actually you can't. That's why I'm calling. I need to change my options too.

AT&T human: I will connect you now to someone who can help.

Kato: Great, thank you. [waits patiently]

AT&T Robot: Your hold time is.....12 minutes. If you would like to have an AT&T representative call you, you will not lose your place in the queue. Would you like the AT&T representative to call you back at the number you dialed from?

Kato: Sure.

AT&T Robot: I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you said. Would you like the AT&T representative to call you back at the number you dialed from?

Kato: Yes.

AT&T Robot: You may hang up now.

Kato: [Hangs up and waits for return call. Phone rings several minutes later. Kato presses button on phone to answer call.]

AT&T Robot: This is AT&T returning your call. We are sorry you weren't available to answer. We will try again later. If you would like us to try again later, press 1. If you would prefer that we not call later, press 2.

Kato: No! I'm answering! Why????? [presses 1]

A Wednesday in July, 2021

Kato's Realm

Kato: [dialing 800 number for AT&T service in order to pay bill]

AT&T Robot: Welcome to AT&T. We care about your business. How can we help you today? You can say things like, "I want to pay my AT&T Wireless bill". Or, "I want to pay my Uverse bill."

Kato: I want to pay my landline bill.

AT&T Robot: Great. I will connect you now.

Kato: Thank you. [Waits patiently]

AT&T Robot: All of our representatives are busy now helping customers like you. Your wait time is 2 minutes. If you would like the AT&T representative to call you, you won't lose your place in the queue. If you would like the AT&T representative to call you back at the number you are calling from now, press 1. If you want to remain on hold for the AT&T, press 2 now.

Kato: [presses 2, waits while listening to AT&T music, broken up by ads telling her she can do anything online that she wants to do with her AT&T service by going to att.com]

AT&T human: Welcome to AT&T Uverse, I'm [garbled], may I have your name and your account number?

Kato: Hi, my name is Kato MacKenna. I've been trying for two days to find a representative who can help me pay my landline bill.

AT&T human: You'll need to talk to someone in Telco. I can connect you to someone now.

Kato: Okay, great. [Waits to be connected]

AT&T human: Hello, my name is [garbled] and I understand you want to pay your bill today?

Kato: Yes. Thank you.

AT&T human: I'll be glad to help you with that. Can you give me your wireless number?

Kato: Okay. But I'm trying to pay my landline bill.

AT&T human: Do you have an AT&T wireless account?

Kato: No. I just want to pay my landline bill and change some of the options.

AT&T human: Good news, I can save you money on your Uverse account if you switch to AT&T wireless today. Let me see, I believe I can save you....

Kato: [frustration apparent in voice] I just want to pay my phone bill. You know, the old fashioned phone that is wired into your home?

AT&T human: Don't you want to save money?

Kato: I just want to pay my landline bill.

AT&T human: You can pay your landline bill online at ATT.com. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Kato: Yes, connect me to someone who can help me change my service package on my landline.

AT&T human: You can do that online at ATT.com. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Kato: NO, you CANNOT pay your landline bill on ATT.com. I just need to talk with someone who can help me change my services and pay my bill.

AT&T human: Call the 888 number listed on your landline bill.

Kato: That's the number I called!

AT&T human: Your business is very important to us. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Kato: I give up. Goodbye.

Following Monday, July, 2021 Kato's Realm

Kato: [dialing 800 number to AT&T services]

AT&T Robot: Welcome to AT&T. Your business is very important to us. How can I help you today? You can say things like, "I want to pay my Uverse bill, or, "I want to pay my AT&T wireless bill."

Kato: I want to pay my landline phone bill.

AT&T robot: Did you know you can pay all of your bills online at ATT.com? If you still want to talk to an AT&T representative, press 1 now.

Kato: [presses 1, waits patiently]

AT&T robot: Welcome to AT&T wireless! All of our representatives are busy now serving customers just like you. Your hold time is approximately 1 minute. To save you time, we can call you back at the number you are calling from. Do you still want to wait to talk to a representative? Press 1 to have a representative call you. Press 2 to wait on the line.

Kato: [presses 2]

AT&T human: Welcome to AT&T wireless. Can I have your name and your wireless account number?

Kato: I am trying to change my LANDLINE services and pay the bill. Can you please help me?

AT&T human: Did you know you can do all that from ATT.com?

Kato: No, you cannot pay your landline bill on ATT.com. I promise you. I tried.

AT&T human: I will connect you to someone at Telco.

Kato: Thank you!

AT&T human: Welcome to AT&T. Your business is very important to us. How can I help you today?

Kato: I just want to change some services on my landline and pay the bill.

AT&T human: I can help you with that. Give me just a moment. I need your name and telephone number.

Kato. Thank god! [gives name and telephone number]

AT&T human: Okay, let me just look that up. [moments pass] You want to change some of the services?

Kato: Yes. First of all, we don't need the complete choice package. It hasn't worked for months anyway. And I'd like to take the international......[gets interrupted]

AT&T human: You want to add the complete choice package to your landline, is that correct?

Kato: No, I'd like to remove it please. It hasn't worked in months and we have tried calling AT&T before to get help and couldn't get through.

AT&T human: Okay, let me see if I can help you. I just want to check your phone line. Bear with me. It will only take a moment.

Kato: Okay. [Waits a few moments and then hears a dial tone.]
Kato: [Much creative cursing takes place.]

The following Thursday, July, 2021

Kato's Realm

Kato: [dialing AT&T]

AT&T Robot: Welcome to AT&T. We care about your business. How can we help you today? You can say things like, "I want to pay my AT&T Wireless bill". Or, "I want to pay my Uverse bill."

Kato: I want to end my landline service with AT&T.

AT&T robot: I'm sorry. I didn't understand you. If you would like to pay your wireless bill, just say, "I'd like to pay my wireless bill." If you would like to pay your Uverse bill, say, "I'd like to pay my Uverse bill."

Kato: Can I please just talk to a person?

AT&T robot: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Try again later.

Kato: [Stares at phone in disbelief when she hears dial tone. Her face is red, her eyes are watery and full of fury.]
Kato: [dialing with trembling hands]

AT&T Robot: Welcome to AT&T. We care about your business. How can I help today? You can say things like, "I'd like to pay my wireless bill." Or, "I'd like to pay my Uverse bill."

Kato: I'd like to pay my Uverse bill.

AT&T robot: Great, I can help you with that today. Did you know that you can pay your monthly bill on ATT.com? If you would like to hang up and pay online, press 1. If you'd like to hold on the line for a representative, press 2.

Kato: [presses 2]

AT&T robot: Welcome to AT&T. We care about your business. All of our representatives are busy serving other customers like you. There is a 14 minute wait. Would you like to have our representative call you at the number you're calling from? If so, press 1 now. If you'd like to remain on the line and wait, press 2.

Kato: [presses 2 and waits]

AT&T human: Welcome to AT&T. We care about your business. Can I have your name and your account number?

Kato: I need to talk to someone at the Telco

AT&T human: I will connect you now. Please hold on the line.

Kato: WAIT! Can I give you my number in case we get disconnected?

AT&T human: I have your number. If we get disconnected, I will return your call.

Kato: Okay.

AT&T robot: I understand you're having trouble with your phone line. Please hold while I check it. [series of beeps and boops]

Kato: Wait, no!

AT&T robot: There does seem to be a problem with your line. I will schedule a technician to come out and check the line. The earliest time available is October 15. Would you like the technician to come between 9 and 11 A.M. or 11 and 2 PM?

Kato: No, don't send a technician! I need to speak to someone at Telco.

AT&T robot: You don't want us to send a technician out?

Kato: No, please just let me speak to a person at Telco.

AT&T robot: I will connect you now.

Kato: Thank you. [Waits, listening to garbled music interspersed with advice to go to ATT.com]

AT&T human: Welcome to AT&T. I understand you're having trouble with your landline phone.

Kato: No, the phone works fine. I'm talking to you from it. I need to disconnect my landline.

AT&T human: Are you sure you want to do that? What if there's an emergency? Do you have an AT&T wireless phone? What if the electricity is out? How will you dial 911?

Kato: Wait. Let me explain the situation. [Kato explains all the steps she has gone through to pay the landline bill and change the services and is clearly frustrated]

AT&T human: I see. Let me take a look at your phone bill. (moments pass) I see you're paying $150 a month for your landline. I can probably save you some money.

Kato: All I wanted to do was pay my bill and change some of the services.

AT&T human: I understand. That would be very frustrating. But now you want to just get rid of the landline, is that correct?

Kato: Yes. [sounding less sure]

AT&T human: I don't blame you. $150 a month is too much for what you use your phone for, if I'm understanding you correctly. I can cut the service off starting on the next bill cycle. After you pay today's bill, you will still have one more bill coming in and the service will cut off on September _. Okay, I've put that into the system.

Kato: Well, we do still have a few customers for our small business who only know our old phone number but it's so hard to get service with AT&T that I don't know what else to do.

AT&T human: Let me look at something. I can get you a faster internet speed and it will cost less than what you're paying now. Then you could port your phone over to VOIP for only $34.99 per month. You would have all the services you have now.

Kato: Okay, you can get me a faster internet speed and I just hook my phone up to the router and get to keep my old telephone number?

AT&T human: That's correct. I can send a technician out a week from this Saturday. The technician will up your internet speed and can show you how to port your phone so you won't lose phone service at all because that's right before the cut off date for your land line service. He should be able to plug it right in.

Kato: That sounds great. Thank you.

a Saturday, September 2021

Kato's realm

A technician arrives and does something with router, perhaps even replaces it. It takes a little time. He has another technician with him. When he is finished, he comes to talk to Kato.

AT&T Technician: You're all set up. Your internet speed is faster now.

Kato: What about the VOIP phone?

AT&T Technician: VOIP phone? (He looks at sheet) The ticket is just for speeding up your internet. Do you know where the box is located on your house?

Kato: Yes, it's on the back corner.

2nd AT&T Technician: I'll go take a look.

Kato: (waiting awkwardly with first AT&T technician) I wish we could get fiber here.

AT&T Technician: It's right up the street from you.

Kato: Why can't they extend it?

2nd AT&T Tech: How would you like to have your AT&T bills combined? I can save you money.

Kato: Oh? I understand that combining the bills is more expensive.

2nd AT&T Tech: Where did you hear that?

Kato: From the Uverse technician that came and installed our receiver 8 months ago.

2nd AT&T Tech: Who is your wireless provider?

Kato: Verizon, and I'm not switching.

2nd AT&T Tech: Just wait 'til you hear what all AT&T wireless can do for you. You can switch to AT&T today and get a brand new phone. What is that, an iPhone 10? I can give you an iPhone 13 that's super fast, on our 5g network, all talk, text, and data unlimited. It's free!

Kato: No thanks. I'm happy with Verizon.

2nd At&T Tech: You can't be. Look, I'm not like a car salesman.

Kato: (ponders whether or not to tell him her father was a car salesman and was never so rude as he is) I can be and I am.

2nd AT&T Tech: But why? See my phone? It's super fast compared to that old piece of junk you're holding. Let me see, I will show you.

Kato: (unwillingly hands him her iPhone)

2nd AT&T Tech: (fiddles with both phones) Look, here's your speed, here's my speed. (he shows her their phones next to each other. The newer phone he carries is faster)

Kato: But when my wifi goes out, I can link my Verizon account to my computer and still get online.

2nd AT&T Tech: No you can't. Nobody offers that service.

Kato: I have unlimited data with Verizon and I do it all the time.

2nd AT&T Tech: (seems a little irritated) I'm telling you, nobody has that service. But here's what I can do. If you want to switch to AT&T wireless today and keep your old iPhone, I can set that up for you and you'll get your bills combined.

Kato: No.

2nd AT&T Tech: (angry) Alright. If you're happy with inferior service, it's no skin off my back. (Clearly it is. He huffs away and leaves)

AT&T Tech: Well, we got you the faster internet speed, so you're good to go.

Kato: What about the VOIP service?

AT&T Tech: It's not on my order. You'll need to call AT&T customer support.

Kato: Fine. I give up.

Monday in October

Kato's realm

Kato: (Opens bill for landline service that was disconnected a month ago unbelievingly)
Kato: (Dials 800 for AT&T customer service)

AT&T Robot: Welcome to AT&T. Your business is important to us. How can I help you today? You can say things like, "I'd like to pay my wireless bill." Or, "I'd like to pay my Uverse bill."

Kato: Telco

AT&T Robot: I'll connect you now.

Kato: I bet you will.

AT&T human: Welcome to AT&T. Your business is important to us. May I have your name and your account number?

Kato: I ordered VOIP a while back. The technician came out and said he didn't know how to connect our phone to VOIP.

AT&T human: Can I have your name and account number please?

Kato: Sure. (complies)

AT&T human: That number is not in our system.

Kato: Are you asking for landline bill, or Uverse bill.

AT&T human: Uverse account number.

Kato: (supplies account number from most recent bill)

AT&T human: You don't have Uverse.

Kato: Yes i do.

AT&T human: I can't help you with the VOIP. You don't have Uverse.

Kato: Do you know what Uverse is? (Gets livid and hangs up)

Following Tuesday, October 2021

Kato's Realm

Kato: (glumly holds landline bill in hand and dials 800 number)

AT&T Robot: Welcome to AT&T. Your business is important to us. How can I help you today? You can say things like, "I'd like to pay my wireless bill." Or, "I'd like to pay my Uverse bill."

Kato: Telco

AT&T Robot: I will connect you.

Kato: Okay.

AT&T Human: Welcome to AT&T. Your business is important to us. May I have your name and your account number?

Kato: Which account number?

AT&T Human: Your landline account number. Or just the telephone number.

Kato: (gives numbers)

AT&T human: And the pin number?

Kato: I think it's 1234

AT&T human: That's it! What can I help you with today?

Kato: About 2 months ago, I started calling AT&T to try to pay my bill online. To make a long sad story short, I talked to someone at Telco, you are Telco, right? And set up for a technician to come out and speed up the internet and put in VOIP. They came out and sped up internet but said they didn't know how to do the VOIP and said to call customer service. So I just decided to give up and not have the VOIP. Then I got a bill for our landline service which was disconnected over a month ago.

AT&T human: Let me look at what the record shows. Oh, I see you canceled the VOIP order.

Kato: Oh my GOD. I did NOT cancel the order.

AT&T human: Oh then the technician wasn't able to contact you.

Kato: Yes he was. He came here. He sped up the internet but said he knew nothing about VOIP and then the second technician pestered me for 45 minutes to get wireless phones with AT&T.

AT&T human: I can get you set up with VOIP. I will put in the order, then AT&T will set up a time to call you and instruct you how to set it up.

Kato: Great. I tried plugging it into the back of the router and that didn't work.

AT&T human: Oh, wait. There's an issue with the inside wiring. We will have to send a technician to your home. The earliest we can schedule it is this Saturday. Would you prefer him to come between 9:00 and 11:00 AM or 11:00 and 2:00 PM?

Kato: (grumbling) Something wrong with the internal wiring, huh? They didn't tell us that. They just acted like they didn't know anything about my order for VOIP. Yes, Saturday between 11 and 2.

AT&T human: Okay, I've set up the appointment. You'll need to answer phone when they call and be at home.

Kato: Can you put a note in there for the technician to text me?

AT&T human: Of course. Is there anything else you need help with today?

Kato: Yes. Please give me your number so I can call next time I have trouble.

AT&T human. I'll be glad to. But you won't need to call again.

Saturday, Oct 16, 2021

Kato's realm

Kato: Answers phone at 10:00 AM

AT&T Tech: This is Chris with AT&T. Just wanted to make sure you would be home when I arrive. I'm coming from Bessemer. I should be there at 11:00.

Kato: Okay, great.

11:00, Saturday, October 16

Kato's realm

Kato: (Answers door to AT&T tech)

AT&T Tech: Hello. I understand you're getting an upgrade on your internet speed today.

Kato: No! We've already done that. We're supposed to be getting VOIP today.

AT&T Tech: The other technician will set everything up for you.

Kato: If you're here to sell me AT&T wireless, you're out of luck. (launches into explanation of events)

2nd AT&T Tech: I'm here to speed up your internet. But your internet is already at what I'm supposed to update it to.

Kato: Oh my God. What is wrong with AT&T? You're supposed to be putting VOIP in today.

2nd AT&T Tech: Okay, but you'll experience a disruption in service. My ticket says I have to upgrade your internet. You'll probably get charged more. Can you show me where the outside box is?

Kato: It's on the back corner.

AT&T Tech: (scribbling in notes for a long time) I hope they don't charge you more.

Kato: I just wanted the VOIP installed, That's all I ordered. I'm not paying for anything else. (Tells the salesman for AT&T wireless that the first salesman convinced her to NEVER switch to AT&T wireless)

AT&T Tech: Well, he just drove off. I guess he has to do something at another phone box.

Kato: I guess.

2nd AT&T Tech: You've got your VOIP now. But I can't help it if they charge you for upgrading your internet even though it couldn't be anymore upgraded (irritated)

Kato: You don't have to worry. I'm not paying for that.

2nd AT&T Tech: (shrugs, walks out door)

AT&T Tech: They probably haven't gotten fiber here because there's a shortage.

Kato: I see.

AT&T Tech: The more people that check from your area, the better chances you can get it.

Kato: Okay. Goodbye.