Unit Number One: Vent

“I think I - I think I just need a few minutes, if you’d excuse me.” I said as formally and as clear as I could muster to Lieutenant Colonel Tobin, and backed up a few paces to swing my gun over his head at a safer distance as I turned. “Of course, just try not to be too long. We’ll need you for the next part of the meeting.” He replied, covertly surprised, but thankfully overtly accommodating. He waved me off, and I pivoted my hull around as I distanced myself from the table.
What the hell was I thinking, even coming to this meeting? On the day after - the day after-
I batted the thought away as best I could, but the imagery just wouldn’t leave me be. Why did they ever show me the file? Why did they feel I needed to see it - him? On the surface, yes, of course I understood, but did they think beyond that? ...Moreso, why did I oblige? Why didn’t I myself think beyond that? I was too fleeceable, and impulsive as always, that’s why; never thinking about the long-term consequences, only the now, and a morbid curiosity simply got the best of me.
I slow to a stop along the outskirts of the camp, and find a place to park myself that’s at least somewhat out of the way. The moment my treads came to rest, I sunk my hull low to the ground, and if I could shudder, I certainly would have. The imagery would never leave me. That, I already knew, but could it at least leave me alone? At least for a moment? To allow me to come to terms with it? ...That was nothing but wishful thinking. Photographic memory, it seemed, was quickly becoming less and less a blessing and valuable asset, and more a dreadful curse.
I was so consumed by my own thoughts in the moment, it seemed, that I almost failed to notice that I was being approached until they’d already made it within about six meters of my flank. I gently swiveled my turret around to catch sight of Nadia, my co-driver. As quickly as I could, I overrode my most outward expression to replace it with something more warm.
“What are you doing up so early?” I asked in as motherly soft a tone as I could, “Dawn’s just breaking, you should be getting more sleep.”
“I dunno, just woke up early on accident and couldn’t get back to sleep, what are you doing up?” She kicked at the grass, and sent a few drops of dew flying. I flattened my optics.
“You already know why I’m awake, the meeting, and - get over here, you’re going to get your boots soaked then you’ll be complaining about cold feet all morning.” Before she had the chance to protest, I reached out, picked her up by the back of her jacket, and set her down on my upper glacis. “I don’t have much time before I have to return, but I’ll drop you off back at the tent.”
Nadia crossed her arms and leaned back onto my turret, causing me to promptly still myself. “Okay fine, deal.” She sighed, and stretched her legs out for a moment. “You doin’ alright, though? You don’t usually take breaks from meetings.”
Oh.
Oh my god.
I hadn’t even bothered to tell my own crew yesterday. I hadn’t talked to any of them about it.
I must’ve let my expression slip, as she sat bolt upright and turned to face me. “Hey, woah woah wait, what’s up? What’s goin’ on?” A look of concern washed over her face, and she started pressing her hands to my mantlet.
“I - I, uh, I…” It wasn’t like me to stutter to such a degree; that I was certain, but every time I tried to articulate the words in my head, they’d slip from my grasp at the last second. The pressure upon my face was a grounding point, but it just wasn’t sturdy enough.
“Heeyy, hey hey hey, just stay with me bud - spit it out, don’t lock up on yourself-”
“Verite is dead.”
Her expression sank as if commanded by the flip of a switch, and slowly, the rest of her body slumped somewhat along with it.
“...When?” She asked quietly.
“Yesterday afternoon, but… I - I didn’t hear about it until late last night. Y - you all were already sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you up just to tell you.” I spoke slowly. It was a struggle to even get the words out.
The last part was a lie, however. Galahedron, his squadmate, was there to witness it - thank god from a distance so he was spared the immediate details, but he contacted me the first chance he was offered. They were on a brief recon mission together, and got spotted. Hal was spared because he managed to turn away at the first sign of enemy fire, but Verite wasn’t so lucky as he was closer to the base. He went down in a ball of fire.
At least we can only feel our systems failing and not the temperature.
“Oh. I… I don’t even know where to begin.” She uttered finally. I could tell by her tone that she was trying to tread lightly.
“And I don’t even know if I want to yet.” I replied. “It - it still doesn’t feel real.”
“Do, uh, do they know?” Nadia asked, “anyone at the meeting, I mean - why would they still drag you into it?”
“I volunteered, actually.” I brought my hands up over my glacis plate, and wrung them lightly, “I thought having something to really focus on would distract me, but… m - maybe not. I don’t know how much I care for going back anymore, but they need me sooner or later.”
“Well,” She said, leaning back, “What do you want to do?”
What did I want to do? If I were to stay, I’d just have to stand around and talk like nothing was wrong, my thoughts could possibly impede upon my decisions, but if I were to leave, I would be utterly alone and undistracted from those thoughts. I wasn’t ready to confront them fully. I still needed time. I still needed so much time, but there was no way it could possibly be offered to me. Not now, with so much going on, so much at stake in the coming weeks.
My gaze had since been cast to the ground beside me, and I tried to return any sort of eye contact, but I couldn’t bring myself to at the moment.
“Cry.”
“You’re allowed to.”
***
For a moment, it’s pleasant. To just be able to openly express my grief for even a few minutes, but I know full well that no matter how hard I weep, I yell, or I heave, it will never do justice to what we once had. What is now lost.
...What good does it do me now to shed so many tears for a moment I will never recover from - a moment my mind will never allow me to recover from. At least for today. At least for today, I will push them aside, for I have greater matters to attend to. One life is lost that I held incredibly dear, but I must take into consideration how many more lives - lives that I should hold in similar esteem - could be lost to my inaction.
“I need to go now.” I say softly, “I’d imagine they’re waiting for me now, I don’t want anyone to have to come out and get me.”
“Do you want to?” Nadia straightened her back and rested her hands on her legs as she asked, but as I pointed my turret forward, I reached out to put a hand on her shoulder and pressed her near my mantlet.
“I don’t think I have much of a choice anymore, do I? I can’t bring myself to just sit around and do nothing. Think of the lives at stake.” I replied matter-of-factly, and started off back into the camp.
“After all you’ve been doing for them lately, I would think the least they can do is give you even a few days.” She muttered, and quietly protested somewhat against my hold on her. I let her go the moment I knew she was holding onto me herself. “Seriously! We’re - you’re the main reason we secured this town in the first place.”
“As far as anyone within and above my ranking is concerned, Verite and I were no more than…” I feigned pause as I picked the proper phrasing for it, “closer than average friends, given our distance. They don’t know what Verite and I had, so they wouldn’t see much reason in it. It’s not their business, anyways.” I spoke the last part a little more outwardly harsh than I initially desired, but at this point, I didn’t have much to hide from her. “They just don’t need to know.”
In reply, she did no more than nod.
In just another moment, I slowed to a stop in front of my crew’s tent. With one hand, I pulled aside one of the entrance flaps, and with the other, I picked up Nadia to set her down inside.
“Now go back to bed, you still have two hours.” I snipped quietly, but in such a tone that conveyed some jest.
“Okay, fine, fine!” She whispered back, and playfully pushed my hand away. “Now go back to your meeting! ...And be nice to yourself, okay? Don’t push yourself too much or I’ll have to step in myself.”
“Ohh, whatever would I do if it came to that?” I chuckled, but I let my expression lower somewhat. “I’ll try, I’ll try.”
“Please do.” She exhorted, and let the tent flap fall down.
I lingered, for a moment longer, but eventually returned to my intended course of action.