Bad Jokes
The halfling leaned against one of the crates which had been stacked on top of each other, by the walls. The storeroom had nice solid stonewalls and if you weren't bothered by the faint smell of sewers the room was almost cozy in the yellowish light of a lantern which was hanging from a supporting ceiling beam. He didn't raise his eyes, when some noise began to approach the thick wooden door enforced with iron. Then the door was opened with a creak and four people stepped in. Between a butch copper dragonborn and a broad-shouldered human man who had a broken nose stood a younger tiefling. He was held by the arms on both sides by the dragonborn and the human. After them trailed in a gnome lady who grinned at him. The others hadn't spotted him yet, but they did when he began to rustle through his pockets and picked out a slender smoking pipe with a long stem. It was thin and made of yellowish metal, probably brass or something similar, and fitted together with some exotic, foreign wood which was almost the exact same color as his eyes; yellowish brown, almost amber-like shade.
”We brought him, Lawrick.”
”You sure did.”
The halfling answered to the glee of the female gnome who had two thick black braids with stripes of yellow in them. It might have been the only way to hold her magnificent mane of hair out of the way and make it fit under a hood of a cape in any practical manner. Lawrick didn't hurry, but began to take out tools for cleaning his pipe.
”Lawrick, I mean, why am I here? I haven't done anything!”
Exclaimed the tiefling who looked very much stresses out in his mage academy gowns. He had instructed his thugs not to cause any problems with the school, but, well, this wasn't a school matter. Everyone had to pay for their own mistakes, so doubtfully any of the higher-ups would get involved. That would be bothersome, though. Too many questions and he would have to cut the loose ends… and the biggest loose end being the tiefling himself.
”Please, I have done nothing wrong! I've done just as you ask, I even brought you the sample!”
Lawrick didn't even need to raise his eyes to the tiefling, he could hear how the boy was starting to babble things, bubbling like a pot of pea soup.
”Mmh, we're very pleased about it, that's true. But this is a different matter.”
The halfling continued and was careful when cleaning out his pipe. Then he put away the pipe cleaner and took a small leather pouch into his hand and poured some carefully, making sure to compact it to his liking. He had done this many times and his nimble fingers made no sound. Only noise in the room was a distant trickling of water, accompanied with a few occasional squeaks of sewer rats and the wavering, anxious breathing of the worked up tiefling boy.
”So what is it then?! I owe nothing! I have paid my debt, with interest I may add! I have done everything you've asked, and more!”
The tiefling got a bit of spunk in there, Lawrick noted to himself, but he didn't mind it. He wasn't one to lose his mind over such trivial matter.
”Three weeks ago. In The Chubby Pony.”
Lawrick said slowly and the tiefling tensed up, the look in his pupilless eyes confused.
”...Uh… Yeah? I go there sometimes. They have a good lunch menu and all-you-can-eat...”
The tiefling stopped babbling when Lawrick set his prepared smokin pipe on the crate he had been leaning on and walked closer, slowly.
”You told your human friend a funny joke and you both laughed. You seemed to be on a date, but hope that she only laughed at your jokes for politeness' sake.”
Lawrick tilted his head a bit, waiting for the moment when it would click in the tiefling's mind, but it didn't. For some reason it annoyed him even more.
”Your funny little joke, after couple of tankards of mead, went something like this… 'How do you escape from an angry halfling?'. Remember now?”
Lawrick asked, stroking his short beard and enjoying the sight when the tiefling began to turn paler and paler.
”So, won't you tell us the answer?”
”I swear it had nothing to you with you! Or halfling in general! It was just a joke!”
And now the tiefling was starting to panic. Excellent. Lawrick savored the moment he had been saving and it tasted sweet. Oh, so sweet.
”The answer, please.”
He repeated and the tiefling squirmed at his place, trying to pull free, but to no avail. Of course. The boy was smarter than that,m though, and didn't try to fight them directly. The gnome woman had sat on one of the boxes and was browsing a spell book. She had probably confiscated it from the tiefling before they came down here, as he had instructed.
”Do I have...to…?”
The tiefling's question died away when he encountered the stern face of the halfling man. He was the right-hand man of the boss, so he didn't have to raise his voice. It was boss talking through him, in some way.
”… You… You step on a chair...”
Mumbled the tiefling, letting his eyes down, biting his lip. Poor boy was so stressed out he was starting to sob.
”Please, please don't… don't hurt me!”
Lawrick snorted a little.
”Hey, we all have to pay for our mistakes, right? That's what the Boss says.”
The halfling patted the tiefling on the hip, making the boy jolt.
”See? I didn't need a chair. But let me tell you another joke. I'm sure it will be just as funny as the halfling one.”
Lawrick chuckled and turned around, walking to the gnome woman who was engrossed into the book. He didn't even bother to ask if there was something interesting. Surely there was if she was so intensely staring at the spell diagrams. He reached out for a wooden quarterstaff that had been laying down on the floor. He weighted it in his hands. Sure, it was too big for him, as it was made for an adult human -or a tiefling in this case- but it didn't matter. He wasn't going to kill anyone… not yet.
”See, the joke here...”
He chuckled to himself, feeling the wood of the staff in his hands.
”Do you know what employee benefits the wizard got?”
”Employee benefits?”
Asked the dragonborn suddenly, looking completely out of the loop.
”It's a joke, Therax. Don't think about it too much.”
Lawrick rolled his eyes a bit, but had a hint of amusement in his words.
”Sick-leave?”
Pondered the human man, trying to come up with something.
”No.”
The halfling man shook his head, and the tiefling tried to plead to him.
”Please, please don't do this! I am so sorry, I swear I will never say anything about halflings ever again! Please!”
Lawrick lifted his eyes to look at the anxious tiefling and gave him one of his most menacing grins, when he raised the quarterstaff for a strike.
”A staff discount.”
He revealed, when he aimed towards the left knee-cap.
…
The door closer with a creak and muffled the sounds when the halfling man stepped into the corridor. He raised the pipe on his lips and with a flick of his fingers set a fire on it. It took a couple of buffs to get it going and he sighed a bit, enjoying the smoke filling his lungs like tendrils of an octopus. It hadn't been his idea, but when Udor had heard about it, he had been adamant that the tiefling boy should be taught a lesson. He himself had found it almost a little bit funny, in that sad self-deprecating way. Sure, he was short, and he wasn't ashamed to admit it. It had never bothered him. But when Boss says you do something, you do it without questioning too much. That's how he had gotten along so well with the Boss, from the very beginning. And perhaps it was the very reason they had not torn each other to shreds.
”We brought him, Lawrick.”
”You sure did.”
The halfling answered to the glee of the female gnome who had two thick black braids with stripes of yellow in them. It might have been the only way to hold her magnificent mane of hair out of the way and make it fit under a hood of a cape in any practical manner. Lawrick didn't hurry, but began to take out tools for cleaning his pipe.
”Lawrick, I mean, why am I here? I haven't done anything!”
Exclaimed the tiefling who looked very much stresses out in his mage academy gowns. He had instructed his thugs not to cause any problems with the school, but, well, this wasn't a school matter. Everyone had to pay for their own mistakes, so doubtfully any of the higher-ups would get involved. That would be bothersome, though. Too many questions and he would have to cut the loose ends… and the biggest loose end being the tiefling himself.
”Please, I have done nothing wrong! I've done just as you ask, I even brought you the sample!”
Lawrick didn't even need to raise his eyes to the tiefling, he could hear how the boy was starting to babble things, bubbling like a pot of pea soup.
”Mmh, we're very pleased about it, that's true. But this is a different matter.”
The halfling continued and was careful when cleaning out his pipe. Then he put away the pipe cleaner and took a small leather pouch into his hand and poured some carefully, making sure to compact it to his liking. He had done this many times and his nimble fingers made no sound. Only noise in the room was a distant trickling of water, accompanied with a few occasional squeaks of sewer rats and the wavering, anxious breathing of the worked up tiefling boy.
”So what is it then?! I owe nothing! I have paid my debt, with interest I may add! I have done everything you've asked, and more!”
The tiefling got a bit of spunk in there, Lawrick noted to himself, but he didn't mind it. He wasn't one to lose his mind over such trivial matter.
”Three weeks ago. In The Chubby Pony.”
Lawrick said slowly and the tiefling tensed up, the look in his pupilless eyes confused.
”...Uh… Yeah? I go there sometimes. They have a good lunch menu and all-you-can-eat...”
The tiefling stopped babbling when Lawrick set his prepared smokin pipe on the crate he had been leaning on and walked closer, slowly.
”You told your human friend a funny joke and you both laughed. You seemed to be on a date, but hope that she only laughed at your jokes for politeness' sake.”
Lawrick tilted his head a bit, waiting for the moment when it would click in the tiefling's mind, but it didn't. For some reason it annoyed him even more.
”Your funny little joke, after couple of tankards of mead, went something like this… 'How do you escape from an angry halfling?'. Remember now?”
Lawrick asked, stroking his short beard and enjoying the sight when the tiefling began to turn paler and paler.
”So, won't you tell us the answer?”
”I swear it had nothing to you with you! Or halfling in general! It was just a joke!”
And now the tiefling was starting to panic. Excellent. Lawrick savored the moment he had been saving and it tasted sweet. Oh, so sweet.
”The answer, please.”
He repeated and the tiefling squirmed at his place, trying to pull free, but to no avail. Of course. The boy was smarter than that,m though, and didn't try to fight them directly. The gnome woman had sat on one of the boxes and was browsing a spell book. She had probably confiscated it from the tiefling before they came down here, as he had instructed.
”Do I have...to…?”
The tiefling's question died away when he encountered the stern face of the halfling man. He was the right-hand man of the boss, so he didn't have to raise his voice. It was boss talking through him, in some way.
”… You… You step on a chair...”
Mumbled the tiefling, letting his eyes down, biting his lip. Poor boy was so stressed out he was starting to sob.
”Please, please don't… don't hurt me!”
Lawrick snorted a little.
”Hey, we all have to pay for our mistakes, right? That's what the Boss says.”
The halfling patted the tiefling on the hip, making the boy jolt.
”See? I didn't need a chair. But let me tell you another joke. I'm sure it will be just as funny as the halfling one.”
Lawrick chuckled and turned around, walking to the gnome woman who was engrossed into the book. He didn't even bother to ask if there was something interesting. Surely there was if she was so intensely staring at the spell diagrams. He reached out for a wooden quarterstaff that had been laying down on the floor. He weighted it in his hands. Sure, it was too big for him, as it was made for an adult human -or a tiefling in this case- but it didn't matter. He wasn't going to kill anyone… not yet.
”See, the joke here...”
He chuckled to himself, feeling the wood of the staff in his hands.
”Do you know what employee benefits the wizard got?”
”Employee benefits?”
Asked the dragonborn suddenly, looking completely out of the loop.
”It's a joke, Therax. Don't think about it too much.”
Lawrick rolled his eyes a bit, but had a hint of amusement in his words.
”Sick-leave?”
Pondered the human man, trying to come up with something.
”No.”
The halfling man shook his head, and the tiefling tried to plead to him.
”Please, please don't do this! I am so sorry, I swear I will never say anything about halflings ever again! Please!”
Lawrick lifted his eyes to look at the anxious tiefling and gave him one of his most menacing grins, when he raised the quarterstaff for a strike.
”A staff discount.”
He revealed, when he aimed towards the left knee-cap.
…
The door closer with a creak and muffled the sounds when the halfling man stepped into the corridor. He raised the pipe on his lips and with a flick of his fingers set a fire on it. It took a couple of buffs to get it going and he sighed a bit, enjoying the smoke filling his lungs like tendrils of an octopus. It hadn't been his idea, but when Udor had heard about it, he had been adamant that the tiefling boy should be taught a lesson. He himself had found it almost a little bit funny, in that sad self-deprecating way. Sure, he was short, and he wasn't ashamed to admit it. It had never bothered him. But when Boss says you do something, you do it without questioning too much. That's how he had gotten along so well with the Boss, from the very beginning. And perhaps it was the very reason they had not torn each other to shreds.
First taste of a new character, a halfling man named Lawrick who works in a Thieves Guild.
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