A Con Man's Show

A Con Man’s Show By Darrick Yee (Work in Progress Draft 1)     Warm light glistened off the golden chandeliers, with each arm leading to an assortment of flawless crystals hanging from each end. The row of chandeliers lights up the patterned golden walls and polished stone floors. In the middle of the room sits a table, larger than most galleons and garnished with a royal red tablecloth and golden leaves. Sitting on the table is an array of fine luscious wines and food of all kinds. From whole pigs cooked to a golden orange tint, and fountains that flowed of cheese and dark chocolate to mouth-watering fruits that still shine from the morning rain. All the plates and platters glowed in the light. The clinging, and clanging of glasses vibrated through the room, as people in their sapphire gowns, and colorful royal robes gathered and glided throughout the floor. Along the sides of the grand table were smaller tables full of guests of all different powers, and lands. The warm sounds of laughter and friendly greetings echoed through space. Slowly the lights started to dim, and the filling voices of the crowd came to a rest. A few seconds into the darkness, and suddenly rays of reds, purples, and yellows beamed onto the stage in the front of the hall. As the silence broke into the sharp sounds of clapping and calling, a figure appeared through the curtains and from the shadows into the light.   “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Lord Tyron’s party for his beloved and beautified daughter Lady Isabel.” Called the man, as he posed chest to the sky, and arms stretching out for all to reach. Crossing his arms around his heart just to mock the love of the Lord, and his daughters. He dressed in a vibrate purple suit made of velvet, and a top hat to match. His clothes were lined with golden stitches that sparkled in the light.   The Lord and his daughters were sitting near the front of the room, closest to the stage. Lady Isabel wore a delicate purple gown with black rose-like gems sewn into it. On her neck, she wore something special though. A golden necklace crafted in the shape of lavender sprigs holding massive five hundred carat sapphire polished to perfection. This gem had been passed down by members of the family for hundreds of years, and she was only allowed to wear it for this special day. The day she made her own branch in her family. Lady Alara, her younger sister, wore an elegant light blue gown, with little flowers sewed into the fabric. She also was wearing a golden necklace, but instead of a gem, it was a gold coin and a silver bracelet with sapphires in it. Listening to the joke, she gave a smile and rolled her eyes.   “My name is Baron Samael, and I will be your Showmaster tonight. If I may say Lady Isabel, and Lady Alara you look absolutely gorgeous this evening, and I am available by the way,” says Baron, as a roar of laughter fills the hall, as the joke itself is seen as a mockery to the lords.   “Joking aside, at least partly, We have planned a truly spectacular show that will have you believing in magic, monsters, and the strange. On top of that, there will be a very special psychic reading by yours truly for the Lord, and his daughters. Now, Let the show began” Baron says before snapping his figures, and disappearing in a puff of smoke.   Suddenly the stage is filled with colors of all rays and shades. Dancers and animals come out and lift the stage into a world of magic. The dancers shine and glow in the glorious light as they dance from the floor to the sky. They sparkled like stars as they spin on rings and swings. Act after act, from trapeze artists, and fire dancers, who lit up the stage, to elephants, and lions adding suspense, and fear. Each act brought something different, and the crowd would laugh, scream, and jump from their cushioned hand fluffed chairs. Soon, the time came for the Showmaster to make his appearance. The stage fills with smoke, and the lights turn midnight blue and violet purple. Out from the smoke in the stance of a skeleton, with his arms crossing around his chest. Baron’s eyes glowed as he walked to center stage.   “Hello once again everyone, Did you miss me? I hope you all have been enjoying the show. If you aren't, don't let the Lord know, I do want to keep my head. Now, as you all know I am a psychic, and I can talk to the dead, as well as know if you’re sleeping with that one servant girl.” Baron said in a teasing way. The crowd followed his joke with a wave of laughter.   “Now, the question is do you believe me? Or do you want me to demonstrate?” Baron speaks in a haunting manner. “Well, as I promised I have two very special subjects in mind.   “My lord, Lady Isabel, Lady Alara, may I come and join you at your table,” Baron asked politely.   The Lord, comfortably sitting on his throne of chair, smiles. “Oh Baron of course, if I just left you on the stage, how silly would you look’ The lord says while waving Baron down to his table.   “Oh Lord Tyron, I am eternally grateful, I don’t think my ego, go take that kind of punishment, that being said I don’t think my thick skin could take a guillotine either, so I will do my best to give you the same respect, and not read your mind.”   Baron makes his way down the stairs of the stage and finds his way to the front of an unamused Lady Isabel. Baron grabs some grapes from the table and pops a few in his mouth for amusement.     “Mmmh, these are fantastic” Baron jokes as he takes a few more jokingly.   “Lady Isabel, I understand if you don’t find yourself a believer, but someone seems to want to talk to you,” Baron says.   Lady Isabel laughs a little   “Oh really, and who may that be? Are you going to talk to my cat” Lady Isabel mocked?   Laughter once again bounces through the room.   “Oh, you mock, but I think everyone would enjoy me having a conversation with your furry little friend, maybe he loved these grapes too. No, but I think it was someone else. I’m getting an E. Eliza? Eleanor, Elizabeth.   Suddenly all the blood drains from Lady Isabel’s face. She looks as if her soul was just snatched up by a ghost, and the room goes silent. “Elizabeth, My Grandmother?” Lady Isabel says in fear.   “Now I got your attention don’t I.” Baron jokes, then turns to the waitstaff. “I would love some cheese with this, do you mind? Baron says half-heartedly. The waiter looks at Baron like he is a joke, and Baron defensively waves him off.   “Your grandmother wanted to say something. She knows you have been having dreams about her. There is more, Some sort of scratching, or clawing am I right.” Baron questioned.   “I don’t know what you're talking about” Lady Isabel says while defensively covering her wrists.   “She said you were nervous, that you weren’t sure you could handle your new responsibilities. The thing is she wants to say that she believes in you, and everyone is nervous about a big step, and also don’t let the power get into your head”.   The room bursts into applause, and whispers are heard all around the tables.   “Next is the beautiful, and warmhearted Alara. Oh I’m definitely getting something, but it’s not now, and not in the past either. Wine? Maybe I drank too much.”   “No surprise there” Jokes Lady Alara,   “No, it’s not the wine. The future it seems. You will lose something, so brace, let yourself follow your desire, and you will find happiness. At the time you lose that thing, you will find that the stars will align and you will be happy.”   “Oh so I’m going to get robbed” Lady Alara asked   “It would seem, but finding happiness is much more important wouldn’t you say” Baron responds.   “Okay, sure” Lady Alara says unconvincingly.   Everyone in the room claps, and whistles, as Baron returns back onto the stage and gives a bow.   “Now for some other people, who's next” Baron says with a smile on his face.   After twenty minutes of performing his psychic abilities, and talking to the dead.   “That is all I can do today, Thank you everyone, and please enjoy the rest of the show.” Baron says before giving a bow, and being met with applause.   Baron leaves the stage, and after two more acts the curtains close, and the show comes to an end.   After the show, Baron makes his way through the back of the stage.   “Hey Cliff, thanks for the information about Lady Isabel, you should have seen her face.” Baron says as he walks by a guy dressed in black tights.   “Anytime brother” Cliff responds while tapping him on the shoulder.   (I am sorry, I realized I overwrote, and kind of got too into the weeds with this one, I will give you a brief idea what will happen next. This is a TBC thing though. )   Baron goes to the main party, where people are back to discussing politics, and business matters with other rich and royal members. Baron has casual conversations with a few people before eyeing Lady Alara, She goes over to her and they have some fun and flirty dialogue involving a knight whose family symbol is a lion, and a lion she wanted to ride when she was little. Baron and Alara are childhood friends and always had a bit of a crush on each other, but because Alara is part of a royal family, she can’t date Baron. She blows him off after calling his “open book” a work of fiction, and then goes to talk to her other guest. Baron goes and also talks to other guests, but upon noticing how bored she gets sets up a plan. He bribes Lady Alara’s nephew to go and steal a bracelet from her and run up to one of the guard towers, where Baron has set up a romantic dinner. While setting up, Baron steals a few small things from around the house, and puts it in a rucksack. They have dinner, slowly warming up to something after, and then things are taken to the bed room. Baron sets up his doggie bag as an emergency escape, (A habit he developed as a kid) and spends the night with Lady Alara. Morning comes and they are woken up by the Lord, and his guards breaking down the door. The Lord, unsurprisingly, is unhappy that Baron spent the night with his daughter and also finds out the family necklace was stolen. Lady Isabel, in spite, and seeking revenge on both embarrassing her in public, and sleeping with her sister blames the crime on Baron. Considering the Lord was already not in a trusting mood, he assumes Baron actually did the crime, and calls his guards. Baron jumps out the window, and grabs his emergency bag, and finds his cat friend Koko and escapes. He later goes back to his carnival camp, and after realizing he would cause trouble for his family, leaves to go to Mythrite, since there have been rumors of corruption, and stories of the necklace.

Comments

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Mar 8, 2021 05:02

Okay, so Baron didn’t take the necklace? It felt like everything was leading up to that happening, especially with his “prediction” that it would be stolen and his quick escape. I wonder why he had a habit of setting up a go-bag that has carried through since childhood. I also am wondering if he is a con man at all, as it seems that he put on a fantastic, if not slightly cheesy, show. If it were simply a ruse, I doubt it would be to the scale and quality it is. If he is a con man otherwise, we need detail on this. You gave a very descriptive view of the environment at the beginning, but that can probably be trimmed since this is more of a character focused piece. Also you have some tense issues with a lot of your sentences and some strange repetition like “jokes as he takes a few more jokingly”. I like the plot of the story itself and I am interested to see what the final polished version looks like.

Mar 11, 2021 18:18

It's probably just me, but I had a bit of a hard time identifying the main character of this. Clearly, it's Baron, but I only got that at the very end. Throughout the rest, I had thought it was some sort of third party just observing the events of the night rather than any of the major player's involved. Maybe phrasing the opening paragraph describing the room as Baron sees it would help clear up any possible confusion.   There were also a number of grammatical errors, with statements by characters either not having punctuation at the end, or unnecessary use of the comma.   "Act after act, from trapeze artists, and fire dancers, who lit up the stage, to elephants, and lions adding suspense, and fear." Most of the commas in this line could just be removed, for example.   This line also stuck out like a sore thumb. "After twenty minutes of performing his psychic abilities, and talking to the dead." I assume it was meant to lead into what Baron says next, but it looks like it just ends abruptly without doing anything.

Mar 15, 2021 03:27

I really enjoyed the very "real" nature of this piece. I think you have the interactions between characters nailed down. However due to this, we don't really get to see much of Baron. Like you said you ran long and in order to really do that deep dive, if you were to focus on what he's thinking (or even just doing) in the moment of the performance then I think readers would understand Baron easier. Right now he just seems to have made a series of unfortunate statements and choices which landed him in bad favor with the Lord.   Your use of both concrete details and power positioning is great at first, but again because of the dialogue it wanes down to almost nothing. An eb and flow treatment would do this piece wonders and also make it match Baron's playful persona.   I would say overall use your plethora of description and character life with the intention of imbuing it in Baron. Give us the details from his perspective. I'm very curious of how he thinks and feels and I definitely crave to understand more of his thought process.

Mar 29, 2021 03:16

I think you have some good ideas here. Obviously you had to cut it short but the plot seems sound. I guess the main thing I would suggest is doing a spelling/vocab check as there are a fair amount of typos. Some sentence structures, like "She also was wearing a golden necklace, but instead of a gem, it was a gold coin and a silver bracelet with sapphires in it," could use some restructuring to make it clearer what's going on: is the bracelet part of the necklace? Because that's how it sounds. Otherwise, as someone else mentioned, you start the piece in the past tense but shift to present, so you should go through and make sure whichever you decide on is used consistently.

Apr 7, 2021 20:54

This is not a bad piece although I found that, as you mentioned, it got off into the weeds fairly quickly. I found it hard to figure out if I should be rooting for, or against Baron. Is he a con man or not? It was very unclear also why Baron decided to come to Mythrite. There are many easier places to disappear than a boonies town. I also found the constant shift in tense hard to follow. I loved all the sensory details, but there were many repeated types of details that just overwhelmed me rather than enhanced. In the end, I felt that it also made no difference if I scanned the paragraphs or read them, as I would get the same amount of details either way. Lots of great stuff to work with, but it would need a lot of work to really shine.