As the Past Catches Up With Me
Darovit sat silently at his dining room table. For the first instance in a long time, he felt completely at ease. There was no work for him to do today, and for once he had earned enough money to relax for awhile. Life was finally starting to look up for him.
It had been a week since the Highharvestide Festival ended, and it had turned out much better than expected. Although Darovit’s father Hurst had gone through his unusual routine of drinking up a storm during times of celebration, Darovit was experienced enough to know where to look for him. He had to go all the way to the High Hall of the Mountain Kings, but he was able to find him before his tab piled up too much. He may have despised his father for stranding them there and sticking him with a next to impossible level of debt, but he was determined to prove himself the bigger man and take care of him until the debt was paid off and he could finally leave the town.
In addition to that, his work helping out during the festival had helped improve his reputation among the townspeople. It had even allowed the barkeeper to congratulate Darovit on his maturity and reliability, and as a result he let Darovit take Hurst back while clearing his tab. All of this kept him from sinking even further in debt and helped him pay off a large portion of his debt to Suud. He had hoped it would be a bit more, but it was still a decent amount for what was actually accomplished.
His tranquility was broken by a loud knocking at the front door. This puzzled Darovit, as he wasn’t expecting anyone today. He had even put up his Do-Not-Disturb sign as a way of telling people that he wanted to enjoy his time off. He stood up and walked to the door. He opened it slowly, and standing on the other side was the last person he expected to see right then and there.
The person standing in the doorway was a tall, very skinny teenager a year or two older than Darovit. He had short and very messy blonde hair with ice blue eyes and a face full of freckles. He was dressed in similar attire to Darovit with the exception of a green vest and the addition of long sleeves and leather gloves on both of his hands. His face was twisted in a slight smile that could win one’s confidence but also indicate a sense of craziness if one knew how to study faces. The person’s name was Marty, the last person that Darovit wanted to see right now.
“Marty!” Darovit cried out in panic. Darovit pulled him inside and shut the door, locking it behind him. Darovit turned around to face Marty, his panic replaced by a look of aggression. “What are you doing here!” Darovit stated through gritted teeth.
“What do you think?” Marty replied. “I’m here to collect what you owe us”. Marty then sat down in a large chair at the opposite end of the room.
“Get out of here Marty” Darovit replied. “I told you that I was done with the gang. I live here now and whether I like it or not I can’t leave. Thanks to my stupid excuse of a father, I’m now piled up in insurmoundtable levels of debt that I’m not even responsible for. Now get out of here before he wakes up and sees you. Hear me now, I’m done”.
“You know perfectly well that that’s not how it works” Marty replied. “Once you’re in, you’re in for life. If you can’t leave to pay us back, then you’ll need to get what you owe us from here”.
“I already told you, I’m done” yelled Darovit. “And there’s no way I’m stealing from anyone again, I don’t do that anymore. How did you find me anyway?”.
“I have my ways” Marty answered. “But that’s not the issue here. You owe us a debt, and even if you kill me that debt’s not gonna disappear. I’ve been watching you since the festival and I already sent out word to the others. They’ll be here in a matter of weeks if they don’t hear back from me, and when that happens, things will get really interesting. You think your life is bad now, just wait until we take away everything you hold dear here.”
“What are you talking about?” Darovit asked.
“I’ve seen the way you act around everyone here” Marty replied. “The helpful tragic teen with a load of debt who always wants to do the right thing so others will like him. It’s so pathetic. I’ve seen what you can do, you’re nothing but a common criminal who’s done some pretty nasty things to a lot of people who didn’t deserve it”.
“That’s not who I am anymore” Darovit yelled. “I’ve changed, I’ve grown. Besides, I only ever did that so I could take care of my mother. It’s not like my old man ever did”.
“Well, here’s how it's gonna go down” Marty responded. “You’re going to get what you owe us within a month, or we’ll reveal your little past to everyone here. Just imagine the looks on their faces when they learn their golden boy is nothing more than a thug”.
Darovit could feel his anger rising.
“Just imagine what it would be like if your mother could see you now” Marty said. “The golden boy living a lie, deceiving everyone, all with the knowledge of a criminal that no one could ever trust. If she knew what you really did to take care of her, she would say the phrase: I never loved you”.
Darovit had had enough and yelled “SHUT UP!” and threw a wine glass at the chair before collapsing in tears. A few minutes later, he looked up and noticed that Marty was gone, and the wine glass was mysteriously undamaged. “Man, how does he do that?” Darovit though aloud as he was left to ponder Marty’s words.
(Note: I apologize if this is a bit lot, but I think it’s important to be honest and not hold back while giving critiques, for without it, there’s no way to improve.) I think you had a good idea for your vignette, but I don't feel that it was delivered rather well, and that there was multiple things that could’ve been done to make it better. First and foremost, your vignette needed to be properly broken up and formatted for WorldAnvil. In it’s current state, it’s an ultra uninviting block of text. I also feel that your title’s rather weak. Two things that I feel that don’t work for it is that it’s in present tense (due to “catches”), and we the readers literally don’t know who the “me” is referring to. There’s also a really weird juxtaposition with the title being in first person and in present tense while your whole vignette is in 3rd person and past tense. While it’s good that you start off with naming your main character immediately, your vignette starts off with him literally sitting and reflecting. For your first 250 words, we’re not reading a story, but a literal backstory; we’re just being reported what’s already happened. This wasn’t here to set the scene or give any useful descriptions, but rather, was here to act as a info-dump on us that was unnecessary. I don’t feel that anything told within the first quarter of your vignette really gave any information too at all, and what was told I don’t feel was necessary to explain. You focused on letting us know that Hurst was a bad dad, but you go and reestablish that later with the much more informative line of “It’s not like my old man ever did”. Because of your long introduction, there’s also no action or tension at all until more than halfway through your vignette. Darovit’s literally just sitting still for 250 words of your vignette, then he’s too focused on describing how he’s getting up and opening a door and then Marty for another 250. While I do think you did a very good job describing Marty, because it took more than 300 words to get to it, my enjoyment of it was really dragged down. Remember that you want to set up your vignette’s tension as soon as possible. I think if you started off with Darovit being confronted by Marty at the start of your vignette instead of more than halfway through it, your story would’ve not only been much more stronger, but it would’ve given you even more room to build it up and strengthen it. But as it stands, your vignette was far too much telling and too little showing in my opinion.