Destined Departure

Blaine hoisted his bags over his scrawny shoulders. He made his bed for the first time in an eternity, knowing that he wouldn't be back for a very long time. Once he was gone, he would be one less mouth to feed, one less body to care for. He had his clothes packed, his sharpened knife at his side, and his lyre strapped to his bag. The pouch held enough strings to fit ten different lyres, courtesy of his ever-so worried mentor. Azukee stood by the doorway, staring at him with solemn eyes.   "Are you sure?" she asked.   "I'm sure. You'll be okay, I promise. When I come back, I'll be a better musician than ever. People will know about me and carry my music back from whence they came. I don't want to work the farms for my whole life, you know?" Blaine smiled.   "I like your music though! I think its good, and..." Azukee inhaled. "...I don't want you to leave me!"   One fearful sentence almost cracked his resolve. Blaine walked forward and hugged his younger sister tightly, speaking softly.   "I'm sorry, Zu-zu... I need to do this. It's okay. I want to make us lots of money, so we can live in a nicer home, and eat whatever we want! Could you imagine all of us being able to eat chocolate again? Remember how sweet it tasted?"   Azukee looked up at Blaine, as a hint of drool left the corner of her mouth. Blaine laughed and wiped it away for her.   "If everything goes well... we'll be able to do things like that! We can get all of us new clothes, maybe even afford a cat!"   Her eyes widened immediately at the word "cat." The idea of owning and taking care of a cat excited her, but Blaine could see her weighing the outcomes in her mind. She knew that he'd be gone for longer than she could bear. Tears began to well in the corners of her eyes.   "I'll miss you..." she sniffled.   Blaine kissed her forehead, hugging her once more. He wiped away her tears before letting go of his gentle grip. He knew his selfish decision might not come to fruition. He knew how much he was putting on the line by traveling to Mythrite. Regardless, he knew he made the right decision for himself. If he wanted his life steered in a different direction, he needed to grab the reigns and steer down a new path by himself.   "I'll miss you too. Behave for mom and dad, okay? I'm counting on you to take care of each other, alright Zu-zu? Promise?" Blaine held out his pinky.   "Only if you promise you'll let me eat whatever I want when you're back!" Azukee held her thumb up, and Blaine wrapped his pinky around it. It was a promise.   He exited their dimly lit room and took one last good look at what he could see of the Lohk family's rundown home. The best words to describe the majority of their belongings were "worn" and "used," though the words "dull" and "lacking" fit just as nicely. He wanted to be the one to change that.   Not wanting to disturb his parents' sleep, Blaine opened and shut the front door carefully, though the hinges creaked no less than when he left for farm work in the morning. The early summer air felt refreshing compared to the scorch of the sun that he was used to. If his insistent work in Mythrite paid off, he would be free from the simmering heat that engulfed his back nearly every morning in the fields. Just maybe, he would be able to don the title of "entertainer" proudly. It would mean he succeeded.   Blaine walked down the trodden path that would eventually take him to the western edge of town, where merchants and travelers entered and exited by land. Along the way, he walked past every spot that contained a street performer nearly every morning. He continued to move forward, almost as if he was passing every musician that inspired him, every musician that nudged him closer to the path he finally decided to claim as his.   He walked past the final spot where he met his mentor, the spot where she handed him his own ten-stringed lyre with a grin, choosing to take him on as a student. He remembered the tears of joy that streamed down his face as his knees dropped to the stone grit beneath him, while his arms slowly reached toward the lyre he could call his own.   Every step taken was a step he could not take back. He firmly held his resolve and engraved it into his mind and heart. An opportunity like this wouldn't come again; the time was now or never. He stepped beyond the Caravan Gate.   At the outskirts of Daggerford, Blaine saw the silhouettes of multiple parked caravans. Weary-eyed guards watched him, wishing they were paid more for their dull and uneventful work. One caravan stood away from the rest, with horses in front and a flickering lantern on top. Two men stood nearby, clearly less tired of their jobs than the exhausted guards of Riverford. Blaine heard the mass of footsteps behind him. The group walked to their guarded transport.   "Didn't expect ya to get here b'fore us, lad!" The leader of the group carried the food they requested for in a sack much larger than the size of Blaine's body.   Blaine smiled. "If I hadn't left any earlier, I might not have come at all."   "It'll be a rough 220-some miles followin' the river, ya hear? Just ovr' a week of travel. Ya best entertain us with that lyre'a yours!"   "If I can't at least do that, then surely I don't belong in Mythrite," Blaine quipped, bringing a chuckle and a few snickers to the group.   The crack of a riding crop pierced the air. The horses trotted forward, signaling their departure from Daggerford. Blaine's journey had begun.

Comments

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Sep 25, 2020 01:38

Right off the bat, I absolutely loved this vignette. It painted a very detailed picture of the scene and characters without using so many words; the goal that any vignette should strive for. The dialogue between Blaine and Azukee is the meat of the story that really accomplishes this. With every bit of dialogue and every paragraph in between, there was something revealed about Blaine and/or Azukee.   By far my favorite section of the story is “’ I'm sorry, Zu-zu... I need to do this. It's okay. I want to make us lots of money, so we can live in a nicer home, and eat whatever we want! Could you imagine all of us being able to eat chocolate again? Remember how sweet it tasted?’” This single portion of dialogue reveals so much; the closeness of Blaine’s relationship with Azukee (“Zu-zu”) and Blaine’s motivations. The parts about eating chocolate not only show those motivations, it really ties them into Blaine’s personality and relationships.   There is, of course, room for improvement. The last act, while it does reveal Blaine’s eagerness and wit, wasn’t as interesting as the dialogue with Azukee. Personally if you just extended that discussion a bit, maybe add another family member or two, and made the whole vignette just the discussion up to Blaine’s departure, I would have loved it just as much if not more. Another thing to consider is to add tension in the story would be to give Blaine a time limit. Having Blaine arrive early to the meeting spot undercuts a lot of tension in the story. By adding a time limit, not only would Azukee be halting Blaine emotionally, but she’s also standing between him and an expedition/caravan/whatever that’ll leave without him if he doesn’t show up on time.   In any case, you did a great job with this. I legitimately felt good after reading this.

Sep 27, 2020 01:46

Like Nano said, I think your dialogue is serving your story really well. Consider starting with where your dialogue begins and dispersing the information contained within your starting paragraph. You build some really good tension between these characters, I wish there was a little more as Nano said adding in another family member could work well.   At first I thought the town was a small farming village, but the way you talk about spots of street performers made it sound more like a city or large town. I wasn't quite sure on the setting. I'd also like to know more about the master and/or the lyre but I could also see how that may take away from the motion of the story.   The center of your piece could be Blaine walked through the town. I think some more description and action could serve it well, I say this because my story is almost exclusively my character Tobias and his jaunt through town and looking back at my story not a ton happens. I spent more time in the weeds then with my character. Focus in on what this walk means for Blaine. Maybe some introspection, although that can be hard to do as its not very actiony! Instead lean more into your great dialogue! I'd like to know more about this caravan heading to Mythrite. Who are these people?   Thank you for the read!

Sep 27, 2020 02:36

I really enjoyed reading through your vignette- it felt very sincere and I almost immediately started liking your character. I feel that you perfectly established Blaine as a hard-working, compassionate, and determined character that I want to root for throughout his whole journey of trying to become a well-established entertainer. I absolutely enjoyed the brother-sister interaction/ dialogue you wrote between Blaine and Azukee/ “Zu-zu”, and felt it was the strongest section in the vignette as a whole, specifically this part: "I like your music though! I think it's good, and..." Azukee inhaled. "...I don't want you to leave me!" One fearful sentence almost cracked his resolve. Blaine walked forward and hugged his younger sister tightly, speaking softly. "I'm sorry, Zu-zu... I need to do this. It's okay. I want to make us lots of money, so we can live in a nicer home, and eat whatever we want! Could you imagine all of us being able to eat chocolate again? Remember how sweet it tasted?" We can see that his motivation for becoming an entertainer is not just something that is something as shallow as personal gain, but it shows a deeper, more heartwarming goal of giving his sister and parents a much better and comfortable life. I would have loved to have maybe seen a similar treatment describing the relationship with his parents as well as mentor. It would have been good to explain why he didn’t say goodbye to his parents, what their thoughts were on leaving (maybe in a passing remark of “they didn’t take too well to the idea of their son gambling his future away” or something along those lines). And for his mentor, I know he was gifted the strings for his lyre, but I would have loved to have been able to see Blaine and his mentor have some sort of quick send-off.

Nov 1, 2020 03:21

Overall, this comes off as a very solid vingette. All the characters are exciting and fleshed out. You get a real sense of emotion and connection amongst everyone and everything. Plus we get a real amount of insight into the character's mind to see how he feels about all of this. I haven't observed what your character has been doing up until now, but this piece tells me everything I need to know about him. He has a family that depends on him and it scares him to leave them behind. Though he knows that he has to to get more money and make their lives better. Your writing is magnificent and I only wish I was as good at writing dialogue. Good job, keep up the good work.