Faith vs Greed

Brynn grabbed ahold of the empty and tattered wicker basket.   "Do you have enough money?" Her dad asked. She was heading into town in search of potential wares for the shop.   "I believe so!" She chimed confidently, crouching and slipping her mother's dagger into her long leather boot. "I'll recount though, hold on." She stood straight and slipped her warm gray hand into her pocket, grabbing hold of the cold coins that laid there. She then placed each hard-earned coin into her free palm as the basket dangled from her arm as she counted. Her count was the same. "Yeah, I have enough." She gave her father a reassuring smile.   "Alright, kiddo." Her father pulled her close and pecked her forehead. "Be careful." He spun her around and patted her on the back. Brynn chuckled and headed out the shop door.   The half-drow enjoyed her occasional strolls through the Mythrite market. On a colder day like today, she was pleasantly surprised by the traffic. It made for a perfect session of people watching. She would listen as people would lament to each other about their complicated lives, each dissimilar to the last person. Everyone had their dreams, aspirations, and struggles. Her mother had a similar fascination.   The young adult sighed at the passing reminder of her mother's death. She shook her shoulders as if it was a way to brush off the thought and continued pressing further.   Brynn liked to believe that everyone was fundamentally good. That everyone had some sort of validity, and they were either misunderstood or confused. She understood that people would turn to crime due to disadvantages and that some folk entered the world with more privileges than others. She struggled to comprehend greed but still believe the rich were capable of good. Her mother's sudden death, suspected to be from poison, hurt that mindset. She had no way to rationalize the loss of her drow mother.   She closed her eyes tightly as she tuned into the background chatter, pulling her thoughts away from her mom. She brushed through different people from different races, species, and classes.   She listened as an orc and a couple of humans talked about their love lives.   She listened as a gnome and human discuss mining.   And then she eased dropped on elves gossiping about politics.   She inherited her political beliefs and interest from her mother, who was the type to stick up for the little guy. Her heroism was either a rebellion against her heritage, a protest toward hatred, empathy for ones with hardships, or perhaps just her tender kindheartedness. Life was hard for the renegade drow mother. Brynn wondered if that put a target on her back and lead to her death. She winced at the intrusive thought of her mother.   Thankfully, a new distraction emerged as she gained sight of her goal. She picked up her pace, boots crushing rocks and forgotten notes and receipts. A stranger roughly bumped into her, stepping on her foot as she felt a tugging on her coat. "Oof!" She regained her balance and got a glimpse of the passing stranger. All she could identify from them was a smirk. She rubbed her arm, shook her head, and approached a foreign booth. She quickly ran her hands through her hair and straightened her clothes, fearing a potentially disorderly appearance.   She approached the importer booth, a temporary and nomadic stand that was occasionally available. It was a great place for her to acquire new goods for the store. She recognized a few competitors at the scene, along with strangers speaking various languages. She stepped closer to the shopkeep, gifting him a warm smile and a hello. He greeted her back. "Well, hello young lady! What can I interest you in today?"   Brynn's amber eyes curiously examined the items on the shabby wooden stand. "Hmmm..." She admired an old spellbook. "That one looks nice!"   "Ah!" He chuckled. "Good eye, that'll be fifty gold coins!"   A bidder lunged forward, slamming a rattling sack of coins of the table. He looked at Brynn slyly. "Seventy." She smirked and challenged him. "Seventy. And fifty silver."   "Eighty gold."   "Eighty and seventy silver."   The bidder scoffed. "Alright, alright, that's too much for me."   The shopkeep chuckled. "Alright. You named your price miss." He slid the book forward, leaning in with it. His voice was hushed, "We can bring it back to seventy, though. The boy doesn't need to know."   She giggled kindly, relieved by the shopkeeper's generosity. Her hand reached into her pocket once again. She was surprised that she had to dig deeper than she thought-"Wait." She frowned as she and the shopkeep watched her fingers wriggle through the freshly cut hole in her jacket. How did she not notice the weight difference?   Her face flushed as her eyes filled with panic. She gasped. "I-I swear I had the coins-"   The shopkeep gave her a sympathetic look. "I believe you lass, it looks like you got pickpocketed. Be careful next time." Embarrassed, she ran a hand through her hair as she muttered apologies. The rival bidder pushed the sack of coins further, giving Brynn a familiar smirk. Her jaw dropped as he purchased the book, winked, and departed.   She awkwardly walked away from the stand, pushed through the crowd, slipped into an ally, and leaned against a coarse brick wall as she slid to the dirt. The thief stole her money just to mock her with it. It wasn't economically shattering for her and her father, but it certainly wasn't convenient.   "Why..." She mumbled weakly. She pulled her knees close to her and buried her face into them. Her eyes burned and quickly glazed over, but she refused to let a tear fall. She felt a sadness similar to when her mother passed. And then she became grossly aware of her mother's absence. She frowned, confused because the two events weren't even related.   Maybe she was never grieving her mother's death.   Maybe she was grieving her faith in humanity.

Comments

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Mar 11, 2021 18:29

I thought this was a nice little story. The fact that the focus was squarely on Brynn until the very end really helped me get a sense of what she was like. The implication that Brynn was never grieving the death of her mother but instead the hard truth that everyone might not have some sort of intrinsic goodness was also an interesting note to end on.   I did see two small spelling errors as I read, though. "eavesdropping" was spelled "eased dropped" and "alley" was spelled as "ally".   Very nice work all around.

Mar 15, 2021 03:18

The theme I picked up on was mostly Denial (Maybe a touch of naivety).   I think you did well with the internal states of Bynn’s mind, how she struggles to focus on reality because even the slightest concepts by passerby remind her of her mother’s presence. This weight that she carries around is very nicely knitted into the vignette and really spells out her frustration of her perspective of the world and the actual reality of it.   I do think that some more character description would have been nice to know. Is she dressed like a commoner? Or does she have more flourish such as a satchel. What’s her walk like, a saunter, a quick pace, or does she step more carefully? There’s a lot of character description that you could make available to close the gap between her and readers.   The scene here is rather scripted, and I say that referring to the idea of choices. Brynn here does not have to make any significant choices here. If the reader could see Brynn make more significant choices, then I believe that readers would be more intrigued by her actions.   Some additional reinforcement could come with taking advantage of power positions in your writing. Specifically, power positions could be used to raise the intensity of the various emotions Brynn finds herself experiencing. Or even her spatial condition could be described in this way, indicating the increased threat (or at the least the tensions that Brynn subconsciously feels) of going out in public.

Mar 27, 2021 21:48

Okay, so somehow I got both of your Vignettes back to back. So this might be a good opportunity to talk about the differences between them and where it's heading. One thing I really noticed is that you got much better at containing the vignette inside itself and as a single moment. Plus something I talked about in the last comment about keeping it to one perspective is achieved here, honestly making great strides. Even in areas you were already pretty strong in! You really got into the character and was able to drag the reader into the worldview though Brynn's eyes, really causing us to empathize with her. The only thing is that you write her as someone strong, resilient, sticks up for the little guy, etc... but then turn around and she suddenly soft, naive / easily tricked, and doesn't stand up for herself. Like you want us to feel sorry for her, but also think she's real tough and brave. Something like this can be accomplished, you can break down a resilient person. but we just don't see that transition and she just seems to flip flop between the two embodiments of the character. There are very clear steps being taken in an interesting direction and it was a nice clear self contained vignette. Even if someone doesn't know these characters they can get a good idea of everything that's going on.

Apr 1, 2021 00:16

This is a well-contained vignette. I really enjoyed the character voice and action choices. The focus on Brynn strongly developed her character, beliefs, and disposition.   However, as a second vignette, do we already know what the character of Brynn looks like? You spend a fair amount of time described her (all very well done) but it ends up coming across as something that would have been covered in a previous post. While these are vignettes, I don't think you need to describe how Brynn looks every time. I did not read the first vignette so perhaps things are different, but this second vignette feels more like an introductory vignette than a piece building on something that came before. Rather, this piece is a beginning of a story, not a story from a point in the individual's life.   All in all, a really good piece, but I think it would strongly benefit from some minor tweaks to language and overall feeling like it is not the start of an adventure, but something taking place in the middle of the adventure.