Just a Little While

The trunk didn’t close. Again. Three times now Euriel tried moving around his things to make it all fit, and it just wasn’t working. Keira stood next to him, scratching her head. The two of them stood in their room, a few other trunks stacked against the wall. Any spare medical tools he thought he’d need took up most of the space. His everyday necessities took up another trunk. Now all that remained was his clothes.   “Well, this is a problem…” Keira sighed.   “Not exactly,” Euriel responded. “If we just took out some of these clothes, it would fit just fine.”   “Nonsense! I won’t be having you wear the same clothes every other day!” She lightly slapped his arm.   “It’ll be fine! I’ll just have to do laundry more often.”   “As if you do the laundry here."   Euriel glanced over at his wife to find her glaring at him, then immediately looked towards a random corner. She grabbed his cheeks and turned his head towards her. She was pouting.   “I want to make sure you’re well taken care of. And since you’ll be on your own, that’s easier said than done.”   “Yes, I know…” His voice was muffled a bit from her pressing his cheeks together.   “So, you need to make sure you have plenty of clothes to keep you going. And we will get it all to fit in this trunk!”   “Still trying to force the clothes?” Sasha leaned against the doorframe, carrying Ayla in her arms while Devon sat on her shoulders, gripping her hair in order to stay on. “Must be a huge pain.”   “Your mother is convinced that I need to have all of these clothes.” He gestured towards her, arms crossed, face still locked in a pout. “I disagree.”   “Well, your father seems to have more faith in his domestic abilities than I do. Thinking he’ll be able to keep up with doing laundry all the time, honestly!”   “I’m sure you two will figure something out. Besides, you can’t argue about this forever.” She left the two with a devious little smile on her face, almost toppling over as her younger brother pulled at her hair.   The two turned back to the mountain of clothes that was sitting in the trunk. They sighed together and started trying to figure out what to do about the clothes once again.
Keira helped to fix up Euriel’s coat the morning he was supposed to depart. It was a nice day, all things considered. Chilly, but the weather could’ve been much worse. That was a small blessing the Zanders were thankful for.   Ayla was chasing after Devon the best she could a distance away from the rest of the family, their grandfather keeping an eye on them. Sasha sat on one of her father’s trunks, a leg drawn up to her chest. Corin was right at his mother’s side.   “You got this dad!” Corin cheered. “Go show those people in Mythrite what you’re made of! You’ll be the best doctor in that town in half a year, guaranteed!”   “Stop putting so much pressure on him. You’ll scare him.” Sasha said.   “I’ll certainly try, Corrin.” Euriel ruffled his son’s hair. “And you make sure to take care of the family for me, okay?”   “You betcha! No one’s going to mess with our family while I’m around!”   “Be careful, Euriel. There’s a lot of potential in Mythrite, but it’s a rough place.” Keira stroked his arm.   “I’m used to living rough, you know that.” He took her hand in his. “I think I’ll be fine if anyone messes with me. I hope it won’t come to that, though.” With a sigh he added, “It’s a bit of a shame I’m running off to the same town the man who’s ruined our city skirted off to.”   “I know you’ve never liked him, but I doubt he’ll pay you any mind. You can just focus on yourself and your work.”   “I will, and I’ll be sure to write often.”   “I’m looking forward to it.”   Keira gave Euriel a quick kiss and headed off to tend to their two youngest children as his father approached him.   “Finally leaving the nest,” Tyrell said. “It’s been a long time coming. Guess I’m glad you’ve stayed around as long as you did, though.”   “Glad that I’ve been able to be around, father.”   “You’ll be on your own, which is new for you.” Tyrell wrapped his arm around his son’s shoulder. “I doubt it’ll be easy, but knowing you, you’ll be able to make it. Make a few friends up there, and they’ll help you stay sane between all of the sick and death you’ll be seeing. And like Keira said, don’t mind that Rhome too much. He left Baldur’s Gate, but it wasn’t any sort of personal attack against you. He won’t know you, so no need to act like you know him. Just work and have fun.”   “Well, I’ll definitely work. That’s why I’m even going there. I won’t make any promises about the fun part.”   “Come on, now. Do it for your old man, why don’t you? Give yourself a break every once in a while. Live a little!”   “If I have the time.”   When the time came to join up with the rest of the caravan heading towards Mythrite, his father helped him carry his things. As he bid his family farewell, his wife kissed him once more, his younger children hugged him and didn’t want to let go, while his older children sent him off with smiles full of pride and excitement stuck on their faces.   The caravan set out of Baldur’s Gate, heading into the mountains, towards Mythrite. It was a mild day that day, but the further they went, the further he got away from his family, the colder it would get. He looked back at his waving family, trying to imprint their smiling faces on his memory to make the long, hard trip more bearable.

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Mar 5, 2021 19:29

The strongest part of this vignette is the banter between Euriel and his wife, the way that it was written gave the readers a good understanding of the two characters and how they related to each other. The dynamic was a bit standard, the husband kept doing his work to support he family while the wife did what she could to raise the children. The best part of the banter was when his wife squished his cheeks, it showed how comfortable with each other while being a serious moment. As a whole the dynamic works but it could be a bit stronger. For instance, when the wife was talking about the how he doesn't help around the house he could have bantered back at her but this is really about how you want to portray Euriel's character. I also like the hint of a future conflict with Nhenur Rhome without directly saying his name. It shows that Eulriel and his family have little love for a future antagonist which is a very good thing. Regarding what could be improved, descriptors. I remember Trent saying that a good vignette sets the scene in the first two sentences. It is true that the seen is set but the only true description of the room is the trunks against the wall. There is no statement about the room itself being organized or empty or anything to really set the mood. The other characters could be flushed out more as well, specifically there children. It is unclear whether they are little kids, preteens, or teenagers. The daughter has a cute moment but it feels like she is acting mature for her age for how he is speaking to her. As a whole the piece feels as though its missing impact, the plot if moving but it feels as though it doesn't matter to the characters. The are good character moments between Euriel and his wife but I feel a wanting to know how his children feel about him leaving and how he feels about seeing him go. There is a tidbit at the end "He looked back at his waving family, trying to imprint their smiling faces on his memory to make the long, hard trip more bearable." that could be a better character moment for him. Overall there needs to be more to sell the story.

Mar 8, 2021 03:36

This was very cute! I liked getting to see Euriel’s family interact with him as he packed and left; it felt very wholesome, as the kids might put it. It’s clear Sasha is the cool older daughter while Corin is the excited younger son. I wouldn’t say any of the family members particularly stick out, but that’s okay; there doesn’t need to be space here where Euriel thinks about how he met his wife, had his kids, etc.   I liked the detail you put in about Nhehnur, but there were, in my opinion, more places you could show Euriel’s personal thoughts on things. I suppose I don’t feel like I know much about him right now aside from “he’s very simple, doesn’t want to have many clothes” and “he loves his family”. But I suppose this more personal thoughts can be expanded upon within later scenes...for what this is, it works absolutely fine. The question is; do you want this to be more?   You definitely could’ve used some more fun wordplay with descriptors from time to time, and it might’ve been nice to see what Euriel’s home looked like. Though, I also feel like you could nix the last paragraph, maybe just stick that last line onto the one before it. Maybe use those freed-up words for some more description of the world around him? And, I’m curious about why he even wants to go to Mythrite to be a doctor--why can’t he be a doctor in Baldur’s Gate?--but, this doesn’t necessarily need to answer that.   A very cute start overall, but very light on the details. As much as I did like the family interaction, because of how stereotypical the family members all are, perhaps a little less time could be devoted to them. (Or, who knows, maybe more time to show their actual quirks!)

Mar 17, 2021 18:57

Nice opener, immediately puts me into the setting, and gives a sense of the sort of problems the character has to face in the piece. I liked the banter between Euriel and Kiera. They really felt like a mushy married couple. There are some parts where you break up two lines of dialogue from the same character that don’t really need to be broken. Or you don’t specify who is saying what line.