New Endings

Brynn watched as newly fallen snowflakes melted against the remaining warmth from her mother's dark lifeless hand. The sturdy, demanding posture her mother had, even while resting against the caravan, was now reduced to a limp husk. The woman she had looked up to was now gazed down upon, unable to stand up for herself. Brynn's breath was slow-paced but heavy. She was trying to remain calm. Her brain and balled-up fists protested otherwise as her nails cut deep into the softness of her palms. She was unable to feel the heat of her blood rushing down her own hands.   A voice echoed in the background. She couldn't hear it.   It grew louder.   "Brynn." A familiar firm hand grasped her shoulder. "Brynn, do you hear me?"   She pulled through her muffled senses and gazed at her Dad. Her eyes were empty.   "Hey..." His voice cracked as he forced words out of his throat. His expression was empathetic as he attempted to appear stable to his daughter, disregarding the tear stains. "These things... They just kind of... Happen." He struggled to justify the loss of his love. "We-we can't control when or why-"   Brynn brushed away her father's grasp. She understood he was trying to help, but it wasn't helping. Instead, she bent down to pick up her mother's flask beside the liquor-stained snow. Her thumb traced over the metal flower decal. She brought the spout to her nose, breathing in the last drink that passed her mother's lips.   Moments later, Brynn moved the canister away and scowled. The aroma didn't match what she usually found her mother drinking. "Dad..." she reached the flask out to her father. "Something's wrong."   Her father retrieved the flask, weary of his daughter's freshly smudged blood painted across it. He would've addressed it if there weren't more pressing issues upon them. "What's the issue, dear?"   Brynn stood up, straightening out her clothes. "It doesn't smell like her stuff." Her problem-solving was merely a momentary diversion to mask her feelings. She brushed a silver strand of hair behind her ear.   Her Dad took a whiff of the flask and proceeded to frown. "Shit." He pinched his temple. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" His daughter's amber eyes widened at his language. Cursing wasn't his forte. Her father pinched his temple, welling up again. And then he sighed.   "Your mother... Had... Quite the history."   "What do you mean?" The half-drow daughter tilted her head.   Her human father bit his knuckle as his eyes bounced around in panic. "Your mom is-.. Was bold. She did the best for everyone regardless of their upbringing. She got along with a lot of people but," he shook his head. "There were some folks she didn't mesh with."   "What's wrong with her drink, Dad?"   He stared longingly at the flask. "The one time your mother lets her guard down." Brynn watched him tentatively. He shook his head and dropped the tainted relic to the snow. "She was poisoned."   Brynn gasped. "Poisoned?! Who-who would do that to her?! Who hated her so much that they wanted her dead, who-"   "Brynn." Her father's voice was hushed. "We don't know who did this. We don't know who's out there. We can talk about this more later, I promise."   "But Dad I-"   "Brynn. Please." He pleaded with his daughter.   She bit her lip and nodded. Then turned to face her mother. This journey, this move, was supposed to be a new beginning. A new life. A positive change.   But with this new beginning came a loss of life. She once again crouched to the snow to grab her mother's flask, praying that this wasn't what their life at Mythrite would be.   Her Dad stared at the adventurer that once was. Her death was a contradiction to every bit about her. The image was sickening, so he turned away. "I'm going to go get... Some help with her so we can bury her while we still can." Some passengers didn't receive the privilege of being buried. They were castaways left to the road.   Brynn was left alone with her drow mother. Her brain was buzzing with whys. Why would someone kill her? What could she have done? What sort of person could she have been? Did she know her mother? Could this have been the product of an unresolved dispute, or just a simple yet hateful act to drows?    Would knowing even matter?   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------   People around town began to whisper their theories about the sudden death of the widely loved Mrs. Carter. The caravan took the time to lay her down, burying her in an unmarked grave that was far from both Neverwinter and Mythrite. Despite the tragedy, the people had to keep moving. The new family of two was met with prayers and pity. Some people offered help, food, and money in an attempt to ease the pain.   It was sweet, but it did not help.   The bandwagon she was immigrating with swore they never saw the young half-drow grieve after the first day. Several people were confused as to how she was able to persevere through such trauma. She was still able to smile, talk, and work as if nothing had happened.   Her Dad, on the other hand, knew his daughter was just baring a brave face to the crowd. It pained him to see her dismiss the pain, and he longed for someone to grieve with. She assumed that her mother wouldn't want her to appear weak. She also desired the same for herself. Anytime Mr. Carter brought their loss up, she changed the subject. She remained deeply curious about the cause of conflict but kept to herself. The only visible example of her grief pierced her pointed ears, where her mother's golden earrings hung.   Along the rest of the ride, Brynn refused to look in the direction behind them. She didn't want to look back towards her mother, abandoned and alone in the cold ground of some unknown location. Her mother was not just dead; she was gone.

Comments

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Mar 5, 2021 20:04

As a whole the piece was well done, the opening was really strong as the loss of one's loved one should be. The reader could feel Brynn's pain throughout the piece even though the character did not outright portray it to her caravan. The imagery in the first scene "Brynn watched as newly fallen snowflakes melted against the remaining warmth from her mother's dark lifeless hand. The sturdy, demanding posture her mother had, even while resting against the caravan, was now reduced to a limp husk." is a strong cold opener. I am unsure whether you need to say the "remaining warmth" in the first line, if the snow is melting the audience should be able to pick up on that. There were only two things that were off putting to myself, the father smelling the poison and the last line of the vignette. Regarding the poison, if the poison had a stench strong enough to tell by smell wouldn't the mother have smelled it? If so this could lead to why this specifically killed her while revealing more about the character. Maybe she was careless with her drinks? Maybe she couldn't smell? The other option is that the father knows his way around poisons so only he could tell faster than another character. The father does mention "The one time your mother lets her guard down." , was there a reason for her letting her guard down? Long trip? Someone she trusts? Etc. Regarding the last line of the vignette, " Along the rest of the ride, Brynn refused to look in the direction behind them. She didn't want to look back towards her mother, abandoned and alone in the cold ground of some unknown location. Her mother was not just dead; she was gone." this could be cut. The line, "The only visible example of her grief pierced her pointed ears, where her mother's golden earrings hung." is a much stronger way to end the story. It allows the audience to feel the tone and meaning of the death of her mother through descriptors. On top of which it more effectively uses the final power position of the piece. The addition of the final two lines further elaborates on this but does not seem necessary.

Mar 7, 2021 21:31

The way the story starts off with its imagery of watching Brynn's mother starts to fade away heavily. A simple dynamic between Brynn herself, and both her parents is interesting. The way how she seems to be in pain in comparison to how her father seems to be handling it a bit better. I like how we get a little amount of info from how the mother is from her father. Getting a little story about her personality is a good way to understand how she acts as a character, she seemed like a brash character who sometimes ticked off the wrong person and this results in her death it seems.   I like the way how the death affects Brynn and her father in different ways. While her father seems to have been able to handle it in a decent way, while it seems like Brynn focuses it more as being tough. I like the last line, while it is obvious she is heavily affected by her mother's death, being dead and being gone can have different meanings. By Brynn thinking that she is gone, it comes off as she doesn't acknowledge her anymore, and it had a bigger impact on her than it seemed to be as if her mother was just plain dead.

Mar 27, 2021 21:32

It was intriguing to say the least, I wasn't expecting a murder story as someone's first vignette. Though i was pretty confused about the beginning? Like the mom falls face down into the snow dying all of a sudden, and the father is just like "These things happen"? What things things just happen??? Like even if it was a heart attack there would still be a reaction. But the man takes one look at her and is just like: Whoops, must have been a natural cause. At least Brynn took a second look, my goodness. Like either the dad was just an idiot or he's the one who poisoned her. Which honestly wouldn't be a half bad later on concept. hm...   I think you really start to empathize with your character in the second half, like at brings out a lot or realistic emotions and pulls the character to a new level. Though the back and forth between Brynn and her dad perspective kinda kill the vibe, might work better focusing on one perspective. In this case I'd focus on Brynn since a lot of your writing for her is very strong especially that last paragraph.