Number 62, Kaikara Street
It was a dark and stormy evening. Thunder and lightning rolled outside along a blanket of rain that reduced visibility to a near-zero state. The town had been in a state of chaos for weeks in a moment that seemed to be winding down now that the goblin forces had been held off successfully. The rain was beginning to put out many of the fires that had ravaged the town for weeks.
One of the places damaged by the fire was an abandoned warehouse at 62 Kaikara Street. Some bits of the roof had been burning for the past few days, but had been recently put out by the rain and was now covered with scaffolding. Water still leaked in slightly, but since the warehouse had nothing in it nobody seemed to care. No one knew who owned the derelict structure, and nobody seemed to care. Nobody had been in it for years, but there were some people in there tonight.
There were approximately four individuals standing in the warehouse that night, none of whom knew each other personally. They had no idea why they were there. They had only each received a hand-written letter that instructed them to meet there at midnight. No one knew who sent the letter, or why this sender wanted them to meet. Luckily midnight was fast approaching so their questions would soon be answered. All of a sudden, they heard the large chime of the nearby bells strike to signify midnight was finally here. Eleven more chimes followed before a wave of silence rang through the warehouse. A few seconds later a voice rang out from above saying “Glad you could make it”. The individuals looked up to see a tall cloaked figure wearing a white-painted mask standing on a platform overlooking the rest of the warehouse. “I’m so happy to have you all here exactly where I want you” the figure said. The individuals below were a bit confused, as they couldn’t tell who this mysterious figure was. They assumed the figure was male based on his voice, but couldn’t make out anything else about him due to the long hooded cloak he wore and the mask covering his face. He also wasn’t making any gestures that could give any clues. The figure raised his hand for a moment to get everyone’s attention before lowering it. “Now then” he spoke, “I bet that you’re all wondering why I asked you to come here”. The individuals remained silent for a second, before one of them wearing a red tie spoke “Well yes, I don’t know why I’m here so I doubt anyone else knows either”. The figure chucked for a second before speaking. “Well Thomas, Jake, Tyrone, and Henry, it all has to do with a certain person in this town. Someone who has wronged so many people including all of you. He’s a greedy little tyrant that goes by the name of Suud”. A large gasp emitted from the group, as they now knew what they all had in common: They were all underlings of Suud, and the reason they didn’t recognize each other was because they worked in different businesses owned by Suud. “Now as you all know, you all represent some of the highest ranked individuals in each of Suud’s major sources of income” the figure said. “And you also have some of the largest number of connections in each business. Though specifically, I chose you all because of your history with Suud. He all trusts you dearly even though you have been known to argue with his methods on multiple occasions. The transcripts I have looked at have mentioned that Suud regards the four of you as the family he never had, due to the fact that you keep his business running smoothly and help keep his enemies away. The fact is that I need this level of trust that you all have as Suud is nothing without it. More specifically, I want you to help me take him down forever. Another gasp emitted from the group and Jake spoke up “Whoa Whoa Whoa! Back up for a second. You want to take down Suud and you expect us to help you do it?” “That’s right” the figure replied, “Take him down from the inside by turning all of his contacts against him”. “You’re insane!” Tyrone yelled. No one can take down that rat bastard, it is not possible”. “Why do you even want to do this?” Henry asked. “Well it’s like this” the figure answered, “I know something that very few people know about Suud. In the wake of the town’s destruction, he’s been expanding his businesses and increasing his influence over the town. As a result of his greedy desire for power, he’s planning to launch a bid to run the town in the aftermath of the crisis. Since his name is everywhere these days, and the current town leadership is completely useless, there’s almost a sure chance that he’ll get what he wants, and I can’t let that happen. Plus, I’m sure that all of you feel the same way”. After a moment of silence, Jake broke it saying “Okay, but what’s in it for us?” “This is what awaits you” the figure answered while holding up a large duffel bag. The figure tossed it down to the four and they unzipped it to reveal a large amount of cash. “And that’s just a down payment” the figure said, “If you do this, you will each receive an equal share of Suud’s assets and wealth. If you do this, you will all be set for life, and the town will be free of Suud and his tyranny forever. Do we have a deal?” The four looked at each other for a few seconds and then nodded simultaneously. “Excellent” the figure replied, “now go out and complete the task. In a matter of weeks, Suud’s empire will be destroyed and you will all be set for life. Now leave and speak nothing of this”. The figure then disappeared into the shadows. *** As he watched the four leave, Darovit smiled beneath the mask and cloak and he watched the grand start to the final phase of his master plan. “Soon, I will be free” he thought to himself.
One of the places damaged by the fire was an abandoned warehouse at 62 Kaikara Street. Some bits of the roof had been burning for the past few days, but had been recently put out by the rain and was now covered with scaffolding. Water still leaked in slightly, but since the warehouse had nothing in it nobody seemed to care. No one knew who owned the derelict structure, and nobody seemed to care. Nobody had been in it for years, but there were some people in there tonight.
There were approximately four individuals standing in the warehouse that night, none of whom knew each other personally. They had no idea why they were there. They had only each received a hand-written letter that instructed them to meet there at midnight. No one knew who sent the letter, or why this sender wanted them to meet. Luckily midnight was fast approaching so their questions would soon be answered. All of a sudden, they heard the large chime of the nearby bells strike to signify midnight was finally here. Eleven more chimes followed before a wave of silence rang through the warehouse. A few seconds later a voice rang out from above saying “Glad you could make it”. The individuals looked up to see a tall cloaked figure wearing a white-painted mask standing on a platform overlooking the rest of the warehouse. “I’m so happy to have you all here exactly where I want you” the figure said. The individuals below were a bit confused, as they couldn’t tell who this mysterious figure was. They assumed the figure was male based on his voice, but couldn’t make out anything else about him due to the long hooded cloak he wore and the mask covering his face. He also wasn’t making any gestures that could give any clues. The figure raised his hand for a moment to get everyone’s attention before lowering it. “Now then” he spoke, “I bet that you’re all wondering why I asked you to come here”. The individuals remained silent for a second, before one of them wearing a red tie spoke “Well yes, I don’t know why I’m here so I doubt anyone else knows either”. The figure chucked for a second before speaking. “Well Thomas, Jake, Tyrone, and Henry, it all has to do with a certain person in this town. Someone who has wronged so many people including all of you. He’s a greedy little tyrant that goes by the name of Suud”. A large gasp emitted from the group, as they now knew what they all had in common: They were all underlings of Suud, and the reason they didn’t recognize each other was because they worked in different businesses owned by Suud. “Now as you all know, you all represent some of the highest ranked individuals in each of Suud’s major sources of income” the figure said. “And you also have some of the largest number of connections in each business. Though specifically, I chose you all because of your history with Suud. He all trusts you dearly even though you have been known to argue with his methods on multiple occasions. The transcripts I have looked at have mentioned that Suud regards the four of you as the family he never had, due to the fact that you keep his business running smoothly and help keep his enemies away. The fact is that I need this level of trust that you all have as Suud is nothing without it. More specifically, I want you to help me take him down forever. Another gasp emitted from the group and Jake spoke up “Whoa Whoa Whoa! Back up for a second. You want to take down Suud and you expect us to help you do it?” “That’s right” the figure replied, “Take him down from the inside by turning all of his contacts against him”. “You’re insane!” Tyrone yelled. No one can take down that rat bastard, it is not possible”. “Why do you even want to do this?” Henry asked. “Well it’s like this” the figure answered, “I know something that very few people know about Suud. In the wake of the town’s destruction, he’s been expanding his businesses and increasing his influence over the town. As a result of his greedy desire for power, he’s planning to launch a bid to run the town in the aftermath of the crisis. Since his name is everywhere these days, and the current town leadership is completely useless, there’s almost a sure chance that he’ll get what he wants, and I can’t let that happen. Plus, I’m sure that all of you feel the same way”. After a moment of silence, Jake broke it saying “Okay, but what’s in it for us?” “This is what awaits you” the figure answered while holding up a large duffel bag. The figure tossed it down to the four and they unzipped it to reveal a large amount of cash. “And that’s just a down payment” the figure said, “If you do this, you will each receive an equal share of Suud’s assets and wealth. If you do this, you will all be set for life, and the town will be free of Suud and his tyranny forever. Do we have a deal?” The four looked at each other for a few seconds and then nodded simultaneously. “Excellent” the figure replied, “now go out and complete the task. In a matter of weeks, Suud’s empire will be destroyed and you will all be set for life. Now leave and speak nothing of this”. The figure then disappeared into the shadows. *** As he watched the four leave, Darovit smiled beneath the mask and cloak and he watched the grand start to the final phase of his master plan. “Soon, I will be free” he thought to himself.
I think that your introduction does a good job setting up the scene, and there’s some useful info in there. We learn of the goblin attacks and that the town’s suffered some bad damages from it. One thing that I noticed is that there’s lots of repeating words in rather quick succession.; the phrase “had been” is repeated 5 times within your first two paragraphs. That’s about 150-ish words, with the phrase “had been” being around 5% of your word-count in those two paragraphs. It was the same case with “nobody” in your 2nd paragraph, but with it being fairly extreme and being used three times in real short succession. When writing a vignette, be sure to inform the reader of both the time period we’re in and what the genre we’re reading is. While I could get a sense of the genre being fantasy due to the goblin attacks stated in the first paragraph, I can’t say the same for the time period. (Due to being in this class, I know it’s medieval fantasy). A handful of the names used were pretty realistic and modern, and were also used in quick succession. The stream of normal names like Jake, Thomas, Tyrone, Henry REALLY took me out of both the medieval period and the fantasy setting as well. If you threw in a “Rug’tar”, a “Merek”, or something else mystical into the mix, I don’t feel like there’d be such a juxtaposition between modern and medieval. There was also someone wearing a red tie? That makes me think that these are all modern-day businessmen in suits. Besides the 4 hostage’s names being given and that one detail about the tie, we know really nothing else about their appearances or clothing. Are they all orcs? Or are they dwarves? My mind was left to fill in the blanks for the most part and when I read “tie”, I saw them all as stereotypical Wallstreet suits, further taking me out of the medieval fantasy setting. Your title also makes me think that this is modern times; it doesn’t say to me that we’re in a mythical miner-town, but rather a urban city in present day. When I hear a street & address referenced, my mind doesn’t go to “medieval” but rather “modern”.