Party Troubles

WRONG! Everything is wrong! Two weeks of strategizing, plotting, and networking and it's all falling apart at the last minute.   Marion strides up and down the promenade buttressing the edge of his house in the Reverie.   Snapping at hired hand one, Marion exclaims “do you know who I invited to this?! Everything has to be perfect. Bohpa himself might be here and everything needs to be perfect. The Flower arrangements, the food, the guard detail; everything!”   “Calm down Marion,” Vomul says placatingly. “All the issues are getting resolved. The security detail is arriving at noon for inspection. The edible arrangements are all taken care of, and the gift baskets are ordered and set aside."   “Thanks, Vomul, that’s exactly what you tell a stressed person. To calm down,” Marion snapped back.   That evening, house blanketed by heavy fog, Marion dashes to and fro double and triple-checking the locks. No guests for over a week while in Mythrite means Marion is behind, Behind the ball. Behind, behind, behind. Got to go fast. Catch up. The party needs to be perfect. The death of beloved Thesbain Marachar Gardner has placed an onus on this party to be perfect. There are grumblings around town about how "out of touch" we socialites are for having a celebration in the face of death. They know nothing. In death, there is life, and through life brings death. If the theater were to close down because of death, entertainment would die. What was that famous phrase – “the play must go on” or something? Marion stretches, unleashing a long sigh and muttered expletives. Something needs to be done. Calm the spirits, raise morale, and reinvigorate the group. How to reinvigorate a weary populace? A large demonstration of inter-political, inter-species, inter-economic unity. How to raise morale? A night on the town. A party this size also functions as a source of might – having the security be tight shows the capacity of the guards to protect. A night to remember will raise the spirits more than anything.   Still to be completed before the 6th of Tarsak when the party will occur: the guard needs to be in place. The food, now ordered, needs arrangement on platters. The house and grounds need to be inspected and proofed against thieves and made presentable for the coming crowd. To raise faith in security and social relationships belief that these institutions offer support for all is key.   *   “Ten guards. Disguises preferred.” The text on the help poster Marion delivers to the guard’s barracks on the morning of the 1st of Tarsak. Hoping to blend in, Marion has donned a set of working clothing to wear for the day. Passing through the market on his way to the barracks, Marion notes the small crowd gathering near the church. Best not to get involved. If the people are there to mourn, no need for a pompous asshole to interfere to promote his party. If they are there to continue their redecoration, no need to stop their fun. Style and appearance. If there is a cardinal rule of throwing a party, it is to gauge the crowd and respond accordingly. Perhaps this party could use a mourner's flair? Tactful. There must be no mockery perceptible through this party, although rumors will spread regardless. To avoid the rumors, one must be above reproach. A mourner's party will strike a sour note. The original plan continues, with minor adjustments. Some of the guards will be incognito to prevent a show of force by the wealthy. On the other hand, some guards will now be openly armed and armored. A slight show of force on the boarders to impress protection for the attendees.   Things are looking up. The guards are stretched thin as is, but a few of the off-duty members volunteered to go undercover at the party as long as they could take some to-go bags of food. At this point, with the food having been misdelivered, the sudden death of a thespian, and a shift in public mood, a win is what counts right now.   *   Smartening himself up, Marion brushes off the dirt and grime accumulated from a day strolling through the lower reaches of the town. It’s all going to shit. Public opinion is negative. Dambed worker bees. No matter the justification or the fact the party was planned and the notice up before tragedy struck is beside the point. Class disputes are worse than I thought. Marion lets out a long sigh. The party was intended to smooth relations between classes and to build relationships. That is the main goal. If that fails, what is the second reason? Security. If people feel safe, they can party to their heart's content. Alternatively, the public fears attack, showing that a night to relax does not involve danger, increases the perception of safety. Still, preyton attacks need to be handled and dealt with. Marion undertakes rudimentary research on preventing deadly attacks. Based on skimming available texts and research material, preytons have no known weaknesses and, typically, hunt only those that they think they can kill. Their lack of weaknesses hurts, but a large-scale party should be above attack. Large gatherings of individuals, especially with lots of indoor space for the guests to afraid to socialize outside, should keep the preytons away. While they may hunt human flesh, protection in numbers will serve as the shield for this party. The party is on.

Comments

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Mar 17, 2021 18:55

The beginning has a very strong opening sentence, but kind of falls off in intensity after that. There isn’t a lot of descriptive language in the piece, with most of the writing being focused on Marion’s thoughts and plans. More on this, it is pretty hard to understand what exactly is happening in the piece, like what events are transpiring, and what Marion is actually doing. I can tell that he delivered some applications to the guard’s barracks, but not really for what reason. What was described in the piece didn’t have any bearing on the important plot points.

Mar 29, 2021 02:08

I agree with the other comment that your first line is a strong hook for the story. In terms of areas of improvement, I think that the dialogue could probably be expanded and honed so that it flows better. Right now it seems a bit stiff and infodump-y; the point where Marion responds to being told to calm down comes a bit late, and threw me off while reading it. That could come earlier so that its more of an exchange than them taking turns monologuing.
Another thing I would be wary of is redundancy. The dialogue already gives us the sense that Marion wants the party to be perfect, so repeating it multiple times after seems like overkill. If you want to drive this home, I would recommend showing in what ways he's expressing his anxiety rather than just restating it. In fact a lot of the content seems like it could be trimmed, since you spend a lot of time restating how important the party is, how it's meant to improve social relations, etc. etc. Instead, you could provide some form of action in that space since we spend a little too much time in Marion's head.
My last point kind of ties in to that last thought. The transition from third person narration to a stream-of-consciousness is somewhat unbalancing, especially with the weaving in and out that you do in this piece, and the brief shift into first person plural in the first section. This combined with the sentence fragments makes it a little difficult to follow what exactly is going on without reading very closely. This is all to reiterate that I think it would help to see more of a defined plot than just context for the party (which we don't even see).