Smiles of Gold

Lightning lashed the sky as torrents of rain pelted the harbor of Baldur’s Gate. In a small rocky alcove beneath the docks, hidden away from the city’s prying eyes, Ebrus Keghauler paced back and forth, the gravel beneath him crunching with every step. The dwarf shivered from the cold wind, still somewhat damp from a recent tumble into the water. He twirled a shining gold coin in his hand as he glanced from the harbor’s churning waters to the docks above, then back to the waters. So far no one knew he was there. He could only hope that didn’t change.   How on Toril did he find himself here on this gods-forsaken evening? He and his brother should have been on the outskirts of the city by now carrying six chests of gold, enough to help them live luxuriously in some far off boomtown. Instead, the criminals who previously possessed the gold, the Guild, caught wind of their scheme and sent riders after their carriage. A chase ensued, Bergrem swerved the carriage straight into the harbor, and Ebrus was waiting a half hour later beneath the foul-smelling docks as Bergrem dove beneath the waves in search of the sunken gold, hoping the riders had no reason to return. Indeed, Ebrus thought, this day couldn’t have gone any worse.   He stopped turning the coin in his hand and eyed it. The depiction of a halfling woman surrounded by clovers gazed back at him with a jovial smile on her face. He failed to remember where he got this particular coin. It was the only coin that remained in his pouch after flying into the harbor. That had to mean something, he thought, considering the woman depicted was Tymora, goddess of good fortune. Bringing the coin up to his lips, he did something he hadn’t bothered to do in years. He prayed.   “I don’t like to rely on others,” he muttered, “but I need all the help I could get. My brother and I need to find this gold. We need to escape. Help us.” He kissed the coin for good measure and closed his eyes. Was this how people did it?   Footsteps on gravel drew him from thoughts with a start. He let out a breath of relief when he saw it was only Bergrem emerging from the water. His brother had the biggest grin he’d ever seen, which showed through the long dark wet hair and beard matted across his face and torso like some overeager dog. Ebrus’s eyes immediately went to the dripping wet pouch that Bergrem held. “Did you find something?” he asked. Did his prayer actually work?   “I did, Brother,” Bergrem replied. “Look!” Excitedly, Bergrem opened his pouch and poured his bounty into his hand. One gold coin, one silver, four copper, and a tiny abandoned crab shell tumbled out. He then held the hand out toward Ebrus as if he were presenting his master his biggest most favorite bone. The master was not pleased.   “That’s it?” Ebrus ground his teeth together. “That’s it?! There were six chests filled to the brim with gold on our carriage and all you could find was some loose change and some crusty shell?” He stormed past Bergrem toward the water and looked at the coin of Tymora again. Now she was smiling in mockery. “Fat lot of good you did me,” he said as he chucked the coin into the water, its splash drowned out by relentless rain. He turned back toward Bergrem. “Use that thick skull of yours. Do you honestly think we can use that measly sum to start a new life in Mythrite?”   Bergrem stood stiff, his hands drawn inward still clutching his findings. “But Brother, it’s getting dark down there.”   “So what? I’ve never known you to be scared of a little darkness. You drove the carriage into the harbor, so you’re responsible for getting our cargo back.”   “I’m not scared.” Bergrem puffed his chest out slightly. “But it’s getting close to night. Soon I won’t be able to see at all in the water.” Ebrus looked at the storm clouds above. Indeed, they were a darker shade than when they first began their efforts. He snarled and sat on a nearby boulder.   “We need that gold Bergrem. Without it we won’t be able afford the trip to Mythrite. We won’t be able to buy brewing equipment or a home. We’ll be out on the streets waiting until the Guild tracks us down and kills us like they did with Da!” Ebrus looked up at his brother, who avoided his gaze. He hadn’t fully gotten over the death of their father Morrik, who failed to pay off his debts to the Guild. Ebrus didn’t either. Just mentioning hit stung his heart. He buried his face in his hand, refusing to let any tears form.   “We’ll have each other.” Ebrus removed his hand to see Bergrem sitting in front of him. “It doesn’t matter how much money we have. As long as we stick together, we’ll find a way out of this.” Ebrus couldn’t help but grow a sad smile.   “You’re a damn fool, Bergrem, but that’s what I love about you.” He got down to Bergrem’s level and wrapped his arms around him. As they embraced, storm miraculously parted, letting the setting sun shine its radiance on the dwarf brothers and the harbor.   “You think we can go by our old names then? As the Frosthammers again?”   “Best not. Money or no money, the Guild’s still hunting us. Come on, let’s get out of here.”   As they stood to leave, Ebrus remembered the coin he threw in the water. With the sun finally out, he might be able to retrieve it, and at this point, every bit counted. “Wait here,” he said to Bergrem. “It’s only fair I get this one.”   He took off his shoes and submerged, swimming along the riverbed as it descended into the darkness. Thankfully the sun provided just enough light to see, and sure enough, a flash of light caught his attention. He swam toward it and discovered it was the coin of Tymora, but what it rested on nearly made his breath escape. Lying there somewhat buried in sediment was one of the chests from the carriage. He picked up the coin, a warm smile gracing the goddess’s face. Alright, you’ve proven your worth, he thought as he put it back in his pocket.   Ebrus swam up to the surface and screamed to his brother, “Bergrem! Help me out here! We’re heading to Mythrite!”

Comments

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Sep 25, 2020 14:16

Love the language use right off the bat at the first sentence! I read "Lightning lashed" in my head and immediately thought that it's REALLY pleasing alliteration. The small DnD nods (mentioning Tymora, saying gods-forsaken instead of god-forsaken) immerse us just a bit more, and it's appreciated that you added those in.   The entire vignette flows very nicely, and the details like Begrem excitedly opening his pouch to find a crab shell with the small amount of money he got (by all means he could have just found the tiny bit of cash and NOT the crab shell), the master-getting-a-bone analogy, and... whatever the trope is called for praying for something good to happen, it not happening, and then happening after it seems like it didn't happen. The small details added in give a lot of characterization to Ebrus and Bergrem and it all ends up being really nice to read!   My only small nitpick is that it's sometimes difficult to tell when Ebrus is thinking when its not italicized (I'm guessing this was pasted from Word), but, that's about it from me!

Sep 27, 2020 07:10

Great stuff! I love your introduction to Ebrus, the way in which he is playing with the coin when he decides to pray to it. "He kissed the coin for good measure and closed his eyes. Was this how people did it?" A great way of showing that a character has hit rock bottom, or at least has run out of options.   The dialogue is a lot of fun, I can see these dwarven brothers arguing in the rain, while gesturing at the water! The resolution of their argument feels a little rushed, an extra line or two I think could ease out the tension a bit more. "We won’t be able to buy brewing equipment or a home."   I really like the Erbus's pacing in the first few paragraphs but you are also telling us instead of showing. Pull what you need from these paragraphs but show how they are diving for stuff, or maybe start some dialogue, then show Bergrem diving in. To contradict myself I also like Erbus playing with the coin while giving short burst's of introspection, and I think you keep it light which prevents it from weighing the story down. Are you getting the the action as fast as you can? And could the beginning be trimmed or expanded to include more action between the brothers?   Thanks for the read

Sep 28, 2020 05:19

I very much enjoyed this piece, not only are your sentences well crafted, but your story catches my interest and holds it. You may see that I am writing this rather late at night, and in truth my attention has waned on several things I've been working on, but you captured and held it here. And I can attribute it all to the form of your vignette. It is obvious that you thought about it before hand. I don't mean to imply none of the rest of us planned, or outlined, or wrote in drafts. I mean that your piece exactly hits the beats I believe you aimed for. A first act of establishing the rain-soaked present, a second act of guilty anger between brothers, a climax of forgiveness and optimism, and then the resolution of renewed hope.   I do see what jxa2576 is saying in his third paragraph, but I don't believe its as much of an issue. It could divide readers, so it may be helpful to look into it, although I tend towards rejecting a "never tell" philosophy. Its ultimately up to what most readers think, I guess.

Oct 28, 2020 17:35

I really think you have a very strong sense of description. You paint the images very clearly for the reader, and I liked that a lot about this piece.   I also really like how this sets up the character Ebrus. This scene tells us not only why he wants to go to Mythrite, but also how he is achieving the means to do so. There is a lot of tasteful backstory here as well, with both his brother and the explanation of the death of their father. Overall, a very good scene to introduce readers to Ebrus.