Snakes in The Grass

I couldn’t do anything but stand in between our lush furniture, watching her sink further away from me. My legs began to tremble beneath me, unable to hold my stout form any longer. My hand moved to the side without calculated movement, it missed its mark, before it was finally able to grasp onto the soft cushion of the chair to my side.     “Its in our name,” my voice was low, quiet, and calculated. All power I still held within my self was going to my words, while the rest of my body shifted around without rime or reason. “Our – my name is TruthSpeaker, yet you lie about something so great?” I looked up to make eye contact again, or at least try to. Vaula TruthSpeaker sat across from me, her body even more stout than mine, yet just as beautiful as the day I met her. The long red hair that’s been tied up into a messy ponytail captured my attention again, before her movements dragged it elsewhere. Her eyes looked up, locking with mine. Those deep, illustrious green eyes captured me. Her mouth began to open, and as soon as it did, I knew I didn’t want to hear what she had to say to me. “Our son, what about Kavaman?!” My voice began to raise, instead of the low grumble it was before, this one showed rage. “Does he deserve a mother who will just fuck any lowly thief that comes into our home?!” She recoiled at that, her body shrinking against her seat. As my mind began to clear again, I realize I bolted up, and moved to loom over her. While regaining myself, I moved to sit back down. Her head was down, I would never strike her, yet if you looked at her demeanor, you’d think I already have.   “I loved you Vaula, I think I still do,” my voice wavered, “but I know I shouldn’t anymore. You’ve betrayed everything I’ve ever done for you, and you’ve betrayed our son. I’m going to pack my things, we’re leaving.” I stood, staring at her hunched over form for a moment. Was this the right choice? Or did she deserve a second chance? I didn’t know, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure. I moved around her, going across the lush carpet and started past a banister by the stairs. The portrait on it however, caught my attention.   It had a small painting in a frame of three Dwarven figures. First, Vaula, sitting on a stool with a wide, lovely smile gracing her freckled face. She wore an elegant dress, embroidered with beautiful flowers that danced in the wind. In her arms was a small baby, Kavaman. He was barely even 1 in this picture. We couldn’t get him to hold still, and it showed with his tiny arms reaching up towards his mother. Without my even realizing, the portrait was in my grasp, the only thing to show me it was closer than before was the teardrop that hit the glass.   My vision focused in on the final figure, a broad shouldered dwarven man with a well kept beard that was tied into two braids on either side of it. The face was serious, and a smile was invisible under the mane of hair. Either hand gave his wife’s shoulder a tender touch, looking forward towards the artist. I wasn’t that man anymore, and this wasn’t my home anymore. With a resounding shatter, the portrait laid on the ground, the glass shattered around my feet. My next steps were careful to avoid any shard bits that may catch my foot, however, I moved up the stairs towards mine and Vaula’s room. I pushed open the door, and stopped in the opening for a moment, contemplating the decisions I’ve made thus far.   What if she was remorseful? The way she held herself, and didn’t give rebuttals towards anything I said offput me. “No,” I muttered to myself, before closing the door behind me, “I haven’t put up with being wronged before, I don’t intend to start now.” I moved over towards the window that the man escaped through, closing it, before starting to pack away clothes, pictures, and everything else that would be essential to my own upkeep.   After spending the better part of an hour packing my things away, I realized I should get Kavaman to do the same. Opening the door, I walked over towards his room, the door already ajar across the hall. I looked in, and didn’t see my boy. “Boy?” I called out before beginning my search for him. What I found was nothing, along with Vaula, she had disappeared as well. I walked out of the large home, looking around the street only to see the two walking away from the house. I jogged towards them, catching up easily.   “Come boy, your mother holds no love for us any longer.” My hand outstretched towards my son, waiting for him to grab onto it, however the only reaction was a recoil towards his mother. I looked at him in shock, before he spoke. “Mama said you love another woman, and that you don’t love us anymore.” He said, the words resounding within my skull. I looked towards Vaula, anger coursing through me at this point. “You tell him the truth right now.” I growled towards her. She held her head higher than before, almost with confidence.   She must not have though it necessary to reply, before they continued to walk off. The last thing I heard from my wife was, “Move out of our home, and stay away from my son. Everyone will believe me and Kavaman, not you.” I stood in then middle of the street, trying to grasp the actual situation at hand. I must’ve looked like a madman as I fell to my knees in the middle of the streets of Baldur’s Gate. I was unsure how long I was there, but it was long enough for rain to begin to pour over top of me.   I stood, moving back towards the home to grab my things. On the walk there, I made vows to nobody but myself. “I will get my son back, I will make enough money to gain custody of him, and I will prove to him my innocence. I need to find that man, and make him tell Kavaman the truth.”

Comments

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Mar 11, 2021 01:18

I really liked this vignette a lot. This provides a lot of background information about Vomul TruthSpeaker, from his faults and flaws to his bonds and desires. I enjoyed the twists and turns that this vignette took, and the all too unfortunate ending that is sadly too common in modern society. I really enjoyed the flow as well. The vignette was well-paced and exciting without much action.   However, I was distracted when reading by the multiple spelling mistakes. Not only did it break the immersion, but it sometimes made me lose my place. I had to re-read the second sentence a few times to get the meaning of it. Another thing I wish had been improved, although this is more nit-picky, is the quotations for the characters speaking. I know we don't have official rules of dialogue for this course, but the typical rule of thumb is that whatever is being said is placed on the next line.   For example: The great Alexander sat down to lunch. Opening the menu, he asked the waiter for the specials. "I'll have the BLT with Swiss on Rye, and a cherry coke." After placing his order, Alexander observed the passersby while waiting for his mark. -end scene-   As long as one character is talking, the dialog is on that like ("Nice day," he said to no one in particular. vs To no one, in particular, he said "nice day.")   Regardless, I really enjoyed the thoughtfulness that went into this piece. It felt like every word meant something, I think with a little polish this piece could shine.

Mar 15, 2021 17:10

I really liked the emphasis that Vomul isn't the same man he once was with the photograph. He was describing the man as a stranger and it drove the point home. The emotion and flow of this piece were well done and the twist at the end was strong. There wasn't a moment that felt like it was dragging. I wish we could've seen what part of Vaula’s character made Vomul wonder if she regretted her decision, or, if she was by any means redeemable. That way we can fully feel the betrayal at the end when she reverses the narrative to her son. It's clear that she was beautiful, but how else did Vomul see her?

Mar 29, 2021 03:04

With this piece you did well using power positions at the beginning and end of your paragraphs to give emphasis to key points throughout the vignette. Additionally, you did really well with the concrete detail of both the characters and scene. I think keeping the idea/thought of the current paragraph/sentence relative to not only Vomul, but his actual visual perspective as well was an excellent touch that strengthened the piece. It speaks volumes to Vomul's flaws of hyper focusing on the moment and his naivety in his trust to other people. Due to these two flaws, Vomul focused on his internal emotions and packing to leave with his son under the assumption that his wife would not undercut his efforts. He underwent the assumption that his wife truly regretted her actions rather than preparing for her continued deceit.   Once the conflict between the truth occurs, it would have been nice to see a little more expansion there. Vomul simply just lets Vaula walk away with his son and he does nothing about it. If we could see more of a revelation of Vaula's true character then it would emphasize the danger his son is in. It would also support Vomul's reasoning to get his son back.