The Biggs Break

My name is Biggs Morgans, and this here tale is as true as can be. This is the story of how I first met Miss Qai’natha “Qai” Chia, and how I ended up in her employ here in Mythrite. So pull up a chair, because this story will never be told to another living creature.   It was a cold winter morning when she appeared on my doorstep. She was a young woman adorned in fashionable winter clothes, a furry boa and wide brimmed sun hat had concealed her face. A pair of shrewd brown eyes peaked out from under her hat, and suddenly I had a decent idea of why she was here. You see, I had been looking into Chia estate recently. Word had reached me that the daughter of a wealthy merchant had arrived alone to Mithrite; her family, her servants, and the entire caravan destroyed by monsters on their pilgrimage to that new frontier. My first thought was that this would develop into an empathetic sob story, tug at a few heartstrings and sell a couple of papers. But, the deeper I looked into this story the more it began to fall apart at the seems. So it looked like I had turned over one too many stones, as Miss Qai Chia had appeared at my door.   The sun had only just begun to peak over the hilltops and I could already tell that I had a long day ahead of me. I pull open the creaky wooden door of my cottage and allow her to walk inside, the smell of expensive perfume replaces the scent of chestnuts that once filled my home. I stifle back a cough. Then I remove her coat and as she takes off her hat I sneak my first glimpse of her face; her make-up is simple and clean, her hair is dark and pulled back, she gave me a smile filled with hidden intentions. She took a seat at the end of my low wooden coffee table; the chair was multiple sizes too large for her but somehow she seemed to fill it with her eloquent presence. As I sat on the couch adjacent to her we began to exchange pleasantries. No names were given as we were well aware of the other person before the conversation began. Our words like daggers were thrown in a battle of wits, prodding the other person to see how much they knew without giving away too much information.   I quickly came to an understanding as our talks progressed. We both knew that i was getting close to the truth, but that even if I figured it out I would have nothing substantial to go off of. While I could have posted baseless information or spread it as rumors it wouldn’t help me in the long run and could damage my reputation. On the other hand, even as rumors she didn’t want anything to come out that might shine a light on her past. Not knowing how much I knew or what fail-safes I may have in place; she couldn’t hire someone to off me.   So, she did her next best option. She hired me to help keep her secret and help boost her own reputation. She made it clear she wanted me in arms reach, and that she would be using my own achievements to her benefits. This wouldn’t be a one sided relationship, she offered me her influence, invitations to the social elite, and a large enough sum of money to keep me quiet for a while. Of course I would never turn down an opportunity to be near a story, but even then I had some interest in Mythrite as a whole. Word doesn’t travel fast but the fall season of Mythrite had made its way around Waterdeep in no time. As such I was under the impression that while it may have been a Mythrite mine, it was a gold mine for journalists!   Upon coming to an understanding the tenseity left our bodies and we began to chat about more idle comings and going. I did treat it as a bit of a personal interview as regardless of secrecy Miss Chia is a well known socialite in Mythrite and would make for a strong introductory expose as I try and get my papers read in the town. The night waned on and she told me all about Mythrite, about her current monopoly, and how she would be able to procure a house fitting my stature near the library. I had recounted some of his past mercenary tales; a number of close calls and great achievements. Till the dull roar of the fireplace had finally extinguished and the silence crept over them, they smiled at each other and I went and fetched her coat.   Walking Miss Chia outside I finally realized how late it had gotten, the cold night air nipped at my skin as I led her to a carriage that had pulled up to the residency about an hour and a half ago. As I helped her into the carriage I couldn’t help but notice just how different we were; she lived in the height of luxury and to think she would come down and spend a day with me let alone enjoy a conversation over tea. It was beyond my imagination. As the scent of expensive perfume dissipated I was left with the thought. Though weirder encounters have happened and are still to happen as I chase down stories, this encounter, this one story is what set it all in motion. This is how Biggs Morgans came to Mythrite.

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Mar 5, 2021 18:45

The power positions and tone are what really sell this piece, particularly when it comes to understanding the mindset of the character. Starting the story with "My name is Biggs Morgans" and ending it with "... how Biggs Morgans came to Mythrite." was a excellent choice based on what the reader learns about the character. It is clear to the reader that this is a character who lives with himself at the center of his own world. The tone supports this considerably well too. Throughout the work the character's inner dialogue showed how he were to use the conversation and quest to further his own adventure. "As such I was under the impression that while it may have been a Mythrite mine, it was a gold mine for journalists!" Regarding what could be improved there are three major things that could be made better or add more to the piece. To start dialogue, Some simple dialogue between the two would let the readers get more absorbed into the piece. Right now it feels as though I am being told the story instead of living it, then again the fact that the reader is outright being told that is a story from the character works. Yet, it feels as though the conversation happened while learning the bare minimum of why Biggs was headed to Mythrite. Another thing that could be improved is the use of descriptors, there are moments of really good descriptions but there could be more. The good one is "I pull open the creaky wooden door of my cottage and allow her to walk inside, the smell of expensive perfume replaces the scent of chestnuts that once filled my home." The part of this that is relatively good is the use of the word chestnuts to describe the smell. It gives a warm and pleasant feeling to Biggs's home, yet in the same instance there are weaker descriptors "expensive perfume" and wooden. Using a expensive smell instead of just the word expensive would work better for the scene while giving character insight. Does Biggs hate it? How does he feel about this smell replacing the one of chestnuts? etc. Regarding the adjective of wooden, it is used throughout the piece to describe different objects. It would serve your piece well to say the type of wood, even if its a fantsical "red hoardian wood" it would make the scene more believable. The last thing that needs to look over is grammar, just a quick pass could have cough the undercase I in, "We both knew that i was getting close to the truth, but that even if I figured it out I would have nothing substantial to go off of."

Mar 14, 2021 20:20

My apologies for the delay on this; time got away from me with preparing for and doing midterms.   This is perhaps the elephant in the room, but; please, put paragraph breaks in your work. It makes this piece far harder to read than it actually is, and has deterred me from actually wanting to take the time to read it for a decent while after it was assigned. If this was an issue from importing the story from another place, I completely understand, but it really is very important. It gives the eyes a break, and helps give the story natural pauses.   With that technical gripe out of the way, I want to say that I really like the strong character language at work here. The first person language really helps to give insight into what kind of character Biggs is without going on and on about “I’m a gruff guy with a big heart who might not always talk the best, but I’m in the right place”. It makes the piece very distinct, and makes me want to experiment with first person for my upcoming scenes. I also like the general gist of this scene; Qai Chia comes to see Biggs as he’s been investigating her story, they talk, he begins to poke a few too many holes, and she hires him to shut him up. It also manages to characterize Chia as being someone who’s not resorting to blackmail or violence, but rather money and the promise of fame.   However, I think that this could have worked better if it was more of a scene, and less of a summary. While this is being positioned as a story Biggs is telling the reader, even just adding more details about the way the two interacted beyond “our words like daggers” (which, I want to give you credit for, is very nice language). It may, perhaps, be personal preference on my part; but even just giving one or two specific things that were said could help with even more characterization. This story isn’t also really about how Biggs came to Mythrite; the ending line says that, but it’s more about why he’s staying/what he hopes to accomplish. Overall, though, I like this idea, and I think you’ve created a really entertaining character with Biggs.