The Seeds of Mistrust
“So spit it out then, Mire. What are you talking about here?” Halmond looked slightly downward, a smirk spreading on his face. He walked toward Brem, who was lounging behind his desk. “I’m just saying, this festival’s got the town mixing together like milk and honey. Who’s to say what happened if a few personal possessions are lost? So much commotion and people bumping into each other, there’s just no way of telling.” Brem looked lazily at Halmond, his eyes were half closed, giving off the impression that he was already almost asleep. But instead of snoring, Brem instead let out a labored sigh as he shifted up in his chair and put his arms on his desk. “You could talk circles around me all day, but like the sun sets, you’re gonna tell me what you want here.” Halmond’s smirk disappeared, his natural expression of indifference and seriousness overtook it. “Look, I know that you’ve got half the thieves in Mythrite backed up by guards. All I want is exactly the same thing.” “Tell ya what.” Brem sat back once more, folding his hands across his bulbous stomach. “If you want in, you’re in. But I’ll tell ya, I’ve already got a lot of you guys running around this festival, and you can’t be getting in their way.” “What do you propose then?” Halmond inquired as he started leaning on the wooden wall of the room. “Got some new shops that look to be doing well right now. Sprick Grimmer especially, you ever meet him in your ‘business’?” “Never met the guy.” “Well, you’re about to.”
Better think of something to tell him…doubt Garnder will care to tell anyone about this, if I can just convince him… Halmond stalked through the labyrinth of alleyways leading away from the market, rage from the incident still radiating off his huddled form. He hastily took the hood of his cuirass down rubbed the back of his head in agitation. Part of him wondered if this was all Brem’s doing in the first place, setting him up to get rid of him, seemed like the kind of play a washed-up coward like Brem would make. I have to get back in there. Even if he did set me up, I’m gonna show him I can get the job done. I don’t care who stands in my way… Halmond’s mind raced, analyzing every moment of the incident, trying to find a way back in. Reaching the door of his house, he slid through it quickly and locked the door behind him. He started to remove his armor and pockets, sitting himself down on his bed. No sooner had he done that, then he heard a rapid knock on his door. Gripping the knife he kept on his thigh, he drew it out and walked slowly to the sound of the knocking. He slowly unlocked the door and opened it just enough to one eye to see out. Standing outside was an urchin, not much older than ten years. His breathing was labored, as if he had sprinted from wherever he came from the whole way. Halmond opened his mouth, but before he got a chance to speak, the child said hurridly, “Are you Sir Mire?” Halmond gave him a suspicious eye but soon answered, “Aye. What do you need?” The child spoke quickly again, almost running out of breath as he answered. “I’ve been sent to tell you of Miss Bethana. She’s ill, sir. Some said poisoned.” Halmond’s eye shifted, shock overcoming him. He opened the door all the way and stood over the child. “What happened? Poisoned by who?” “Elmita Armsglow, sir.”
I like this story. The flow makes sense and you can tell the general alignment of all the people that play a part in the story. You can tell Halmond is a thief and that Brem is a corrupt guard. There's not a lot that happens but the language makes it feel like an entire story. There are a few things I do not like. There is a lot of names introduced. We only get a taste of the Halmond and Brem. It doesn't explain why Halmond feels that proving he can steal will gain Brems favor into letting him so do. Nor does it explain who Bethana is and why she id so important to Halmond. Especially after he just went on a long tangent on there not being anyone he can trust