When the Plan Comes Together

Darovit slashed his new sword repeatedly through his apartment. He had just gotten it and ultimately needed to practice as much as possible. For the average person, the sword would be incredibly heavy as it was forged from solid iron. Luckily for him, he had a fine toned physique from all the work he had done around town, so it was now just a simple matter of mastering movement and coordination.     The past few weeks had been mostly okay for him. It had been a very hard time for everyone when crime rates began to spike up, but thanks to his solid work in creating makeshift house defenses no one was able to get in. He even heard one of his traps snare a burglar near one of the upstairs windows and this had the criminal running away before he got a chance to see who they were. His teacher Aiymer would be proud of his handiwork. When the goblins invaded, he was able to get some extra work hauling supplies to the front lines. He wouldn’t have normally done a task like this, but everyone helping out was given a sword and a knife that they could keep afterward. It was a mostly disorganized affair, but it did pay him very well and get him on Suud’s good side. On top of that, he was able to get rid of an excess product Suud had lying around and make a tremendous profit for him. Suud was getting so proud of his little moneymaker, and as a result was getting right where Darovit wanted him.   At that moment, Darovit finally figured out what he had been working on and put the sword down. The reason he was exercising was because it always cleared his mind when he was stuck on a problem. He had been working on a plan ever since he got to Mythrite, and he finally felt ready to put the final steps of it into action, but he had been stuck on a single aspect of it for the longest time, until now.   Darovit walked over to his desk and turned on the lamp near it. On the desk was a series of drawings, plans, and flowcharts that ultimately pointed to a single word on the wall adjacent to the desk: “FREEDOM”. He took out a pen and made a few corrections on a few of the sheets before putting it down to admire his handiwork.   Darovit had wanted to get out of the town for so long, but there had always been two problematic people standing in his way: Suud and his father. Suud held the debt his father had accumulated that Darovit now had to pay off, and his father with his newfound disability was dependent on him for survival. As much as he hated his father, he couldn’t bring himself to leave him to die. He also couldn’t bring him with him after he left. His father had always hated him and the feeling was mutual. If they left town together his father would just cause more trouble and drag them both down again with another of his ridiculous ideas. As long as Suud held onto his debt, and his father was dependent on him he would never be able to leave Mythrite. Paying off the debt wasn’t impossible, but it was taking a long time and even so his father would alway be dependent on him. Thus, he had been working on a radical plan to get rid of both problems at once, and free himself from his burdens forever. The first part of the plan had been going very well so far, as it involved what he had been doing for a living for the past several months. Everyone in town was getting to know him very well and saw him as a hardworking, responsible, honest young man. Darovit did the work, constantly smiled and kept up this appearance whenever he was outside the house. If they only knew the real reason why he was doing all this work.   Darovit was in reality apathetic to everyone he helped and everything he did. He kept up the ruse to gain the trust of the townspeople so he could make some important connections, and keep suspicion off him. At the same time, Suud was gaining more and more trust in him as well, and that was a key aspect of the next part of the plan.   Suud and his father had both been extreme sources of trouble, but luckily they had no family and served no one but themselves. That meant that no one would miss them if they were killed or suddenly disappeared. It was a radical step, but a necessary one in Darovit’s mind. The two of them had to go, preferably at the same time, if he was to get out of the town. So he planned to find a way to get rid of them at the same time.   It wouldn’t be hard getting them together, after all they had been good friends for a long time. The problem would be getting the job done without suspicion. Darovit had ruled out killing them himself, as everyone knew he had a good reason to do so in the sense that they would be able to instantly pin the crime on him. He needed someone else to do it, but not someone specific. The plan was to get the townspeople to turn against Suud and get them to protest while he and Darovit’s father were together. The plan was for the protest to turn violent and have someone kill them in the chaos. It wouldn’t be hard, as all his work for Suud had revealed some pretty nasty practices that he was involved in. He wasn’t sure exactly when it would happen, but it would happen soon. In the event something went wrong, he now had weapons to use to protect himself. All that he had to do was wait for just the right time. Then, he would finally be free.

Comments

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Oct 21, 2020 15:31

The opening was strong. The reader already knows who the vignette is about and has a general idea of his personality and physicality. You did a good job of conveying Darovit’s relationships with his father and Suud. You could make your writing a lot tighter by phasing out your dependence on ‘to be’ verbs and weak adverbs, it would make the final product more evocative. I like that the majority of the vignette took place in Darovit’s head. It gives the reader a personal connection to the character and it worked well plot-wise despite not having events actually happen. The ending wrapped up frayed plot threads very cleanly and the use of freedom gives the protagonist a strong clear motivation.

Oct 24, 2020 21:29

Apologies for being brutally honest, but I don't feel like this vignette really went anywhere. It's definitely good to have things set in a single scene, but this vignette moreso told us a plan and motivations as opposed to showing them, and things ended up a lot less interesting as a result.   An example of something that could be compressed down:   "Darovit slashed his new sword repeatedly through his apartment. He had just gotten it and ultimately needed to practice as much as possible. For the average person, the sword would be incredibly heavy as it was forged from solid iron. Luckily for him, he had a fine toned physique from all the work he had done around town, so it was now just a simple matter of mastering movement and coordination... At that moment, Darovit finally figured out what he had been working on and put the sword down. The reason he was exercising was because it always cleared his mind when he was stuck on a problem." => "Darovit practiced swinging the solid iron sword in his hands, trying to clear his mind and hone his skills. After all of the physical work he had done around Mythrite, lifting the solid hunk of sharpened metal proved to be quite easy."     Main issue: I feel like Darovit's motivation is very contradictory. "As much as he hated his father, he couldn’t bring himself to leave him to die," yet Darovit's plan involves exactly that: leaving his father to die, along with his brother, in a protest! The only difference is that he wouldn't be directly seen as a cause for their deaths. Since we're already however many weeks into Mythrite, Darovit's motivation should be changed based on a personality trait and be described as such. To make sense, he should be motivated by not wanting to get his hands dirty and choosing instead to frolick in the public until he can get people to do it for him. This might (or might not) be what you intended, but either way, it would be better to explicitly say this as opposed to providing a motivation that provides a moral contradiction.