Kiana, Failing

When Kura first explains the pendants, what they do, Kiana feels a thrill of excitement, and triumph. They had made it, and not only was their mission blessed by Asona, but the answers and treasures at the end were so, so worth it. She was sure they’d still leave with questions: the journals would answer a lot, for Kura at least, but she wasn’t so naïve as to think that they would contain the answers to everything – just enough. 

The pendants…

The pendants were finally a chance for her to guarantee that as long as she kept fighting, kept standing, kept going, then she could save Kura. Just by doing what she had done for her entire life, she could ensure that, at least if he did fall again (the sight of him, a flash of light and blood, falling from the sky, still haunts her dreams) he would get back up, as long as she didn’t fail. A small, miniscule part of her thinks (hopes, really) that maybe, just maybe, this is what everything Gabriela had done had been leading to. Maybe Gabriela didn’t hate Kura, wasn’t disappointed in Kiana; maybe she just wanted to strengthen Kiana’s resolve, strengthen Kiana herself, so when the time came, she could take hit after hit, if it meant Kura could stand back up. The beatings, the dreams, everything, it could have all been leading to this… couldn’t it?

She goes to sleep hopeful, wakes up disturbed. The woman’s screams ring in her ears (who’s screams, she can’t help but think, wonder. It worries her, that she hears them when Kura doesn’t). Its later than it should be; she realizes that Kura hasn’t woken her and feels exasperated. She’s surprised to see him sitting right next to her, is ready to bully him to bed.

Then Kura tells her the true cost of the pendants: that he’ll have to give up his amulet, the protection that was worth every piece of gold they spent, the magic that kept him safe. She’s almost tempted to say they should forget about the whole thing. Yes, she could bring him back, but was it worth it when it increased the chances of her nightmares coming true? (She forgets, or doesn’t think, that these pendants could help her too. She long ago got used to the idea of her own demise, doesn’t realize that maybe Kura wants to keep her standing as much as she wants the same for him, although she really should.) In the end, though, the opportunity is too good to pass up. Kura sleeps, she reads, and when he wakes, everything begins.

They start the ritual, and Kiana feels a surge of power that nearly takes her breath away; as they chant, she stumbles, falls out of rhythm for a split second, but the spell holds strong. She is confident, sure that they can do this.

Then everything goes dark. She doesn’t hear Kura’s voice anymore, can’t see the alter room. There’s nothing.

The sounds of a fight slowly filter in, and then sight returns. She knows, with certainty, that the feeling of panic and horror that overtakes her at the sight of Kura, laying limp on the ground at the feet of an orc, will be burned into her mind for years to come. She doesn’t even think; before she even realizes, she is leaping across Kura (she refuses to think of it as his body; he’s alive, he has to be) and tackling the orc to the ground. Her panic only grows when she tries to heal Kura, and it does nothing. She takes all her feelings and uses them to hack and hack and hack at the orc, until its dead, no longer a threat.

Before she can turn to Kura, and do something, anything, it all goes black again.

When she hears the cheers, and sees, once again, a threat standing above Kura, kneeling this time (he’s ok, he’s ok, he’s ok) she realizes that maybe, something isn’t quite right. The lack of recognition on his face, as she switches their spots, solidifies it. This is not Kura; of that, she is mostly certain. But mostly isn’t enough and protecting him is so deeply engrained in her by now, it doesn’t really matter. She makes a pitiful attempt at diplomacy, but ultimately, takes out the threat once again (If nothing else, this is all a learning experience for Kiana, about her own ruthlessness, her own brutality in the face of a threat; but she tucks those thoughts away for later).

Once again, before she can do anything else, before she can even begin to try and think and reason this situation out, there’s darkness.

The piercing screams of Kura in pain shoot right through her soul. The voice, egging her on, taunting her, is almost drowned out by his screaming, and the sound of Kiana’s own terror pulsing in her ears (all she can think is not good enough, not fast enough, not strong enough, not enough, she wasn’t enough). As soon as she’s able, she moves to put herself between the threat and Kura (he’s still screaming). She takes out the one with the dagger, the weapon a more immediate threat in her mind, before working on Kura’s bindings (he’s still screaming). She tries to heal him, then is determined to get them out when that doesn’t work (he’s still SCREAMING, why can’t she FIX THIS).

Another kill, and a final decent into darkness, screams ringing in her ears.

It takes her a moment to realize, when her sight clears this time, that she’s back in the alter room. (All is quiet, except the screams still echoing in her mind). She’s still panicked, still looking for the next threat. The sound of Kura’s voice, and then the sight of him standing there unharmed, isn’t enough to calm her. Only when she can feel his arms beneath her trembling hands (usually so steady, but she has no weapon to cling to, no shield to hide behind), when she hears him say its done, they succeeded, they finished the ritual, does she begun to calm.

In the back of her mind, though, it doesn’t feel like success. Though physically fine, she is mentally worn out, emotionally used up. Kura speaks soothingly, reassures her, but his words echo in her mind, bouncing around until they’re screams again. She’s used to bad dreams, heinous visions; but this ritual has shaken her to her very core, in a way Gabriela’s dreams have never managed to do. As they trudge back to the surface, the fight with the gricks barely registering in her mind (how can she have forgotten, Rosie said magical weapons), she just replays the scenes, over and over in her head.

Kura crumpled on the ground, Kura kneeling for execution, Kura tied to a table; all failures on her part, failures she can only solve with violence.

She clutches her new pendant; the beat of Kura’s heart is soothing, and for a while it drowns out the screams in her head, pushes them down so the mystery woman and Kura’s pain barely register. As they move as quickly as they can, out of the void, back to real life, Kiana shoves all the thoughts, all the feelings, back down, to be dealt with another day. They had finished their quest; now, there is a missing paladin to find, and Kiana is determined that they succeed.