Short Story - The Talking Lamp

Story Prompt: After being turned into a talking lamp, you tell a stranger all you’ve seen and heard

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*Narrated in the voice of Stephen Merchant, rambling and non-shallot attitude and tone
“You alright? Yeah. Yeah, down here. No not the doll, although I can see the confusion. No look towards the lamp, the talking lamp right in front of you.”
“Yeah, that’s it. There you go, got there in the end didn’t you. Yeah, so, as I was saying. You alright? You look a little confused, I mean I assume your confused right now. Probably thinking. ‘Oh my god! I’ve gone insane, that oil lamp is talking to me! Have I been drugged? Is the shopkeeper drugging me? Have I been injected with mushrooms? I assume that’s how that works. Wouldn’t know really cause… Well just look at me, sat here on a dusty old shelf. Looking out onto the world.
“Well I can 100% safely say, you are not insane. Yep, definitely not crazy. not losing your marbles or, uh oh. I can’t think of any more metaphors. But doesn’t matter you get the point. You’re alright, it’s not you. Your mind isn’t playing tricks or anything like that. Nope, what is actually happening is that you are talking to a magical, talking lamp. Pretty nifty right. Yeah, you should be honoured really. I mean I’m glad your hear to be honest. I, uh, don’t get a lot of visitors. At least not many that stick around long enough for me to explain what’s happening. They just kind of run of screaming, usually. Even had one guy pass out in front of me. That was fun. Right in front of his lady friend, who I imagine wasn’t going to see him a macho manly man after that. I can tell you that much.”
“Wh.. What you looking at me like that? You look like you’re about to ask me a question? I mean that’s fair enough you know. You get lost in a pawn shop, end up starting a conversation with a talking lamp. Oh, I haven’t told how I ended up like this. I’m so sorry. I just get so carried away sometimes, you know what I mean?”
“I’m going to take that awkward silence as a yes. Right, well, I should probably start from the start then. Yeah it’s always a good place to start. So, a long time ago. And I mean, a long time ago, probably in the 1880s, something like that. I was just a simple, humble, charming man. Better looking than you for sure. And maybe just a little bit taller, yeah definitely taller. But yeah I was a man once, went by the name Jeremy. Still do, it’s not like I changed my name to lampy or something daft like that you know. Anyway, I was just a regular guy, one of the lads. Just minding my own business, partying all night long. Oh, I loved those parties, you know the ones? The ones, where you got to hang out in all the fanciest mansions and people would be dancing and laughing. And the music would be playing, oh it was great fun. Really do miss it.”
“Well, it was at one of these parties I came across this woman. And she was beautiful. Really quite a looker, funny ears though but I didn’t mind. We all have something wrong with us. Just got to own it, and she owned it. Especially when she was looking at me all night. Giving me the… well you know. I’m trying to do the eyebrow thing. You see if I still had eyebrows you would have got what I meant there. Anyway, doesn’t matter. The point is, she was after me that night, right. And towards we may have ended up in a room alone together. Very secretive, in a seductive kind of way. You know. And I thought at the time, this is great, tonight is going to be an amazing night. Yeah. Well, it would have been but when we finally got to being alone. Well, she started saying some really weird things. And I’m not talking about hiding the fruit kind of stuff. I mean like, really, really weird stuff. And before I knew it, I started flying off the ground. Which is weird cause as we all know, humans don’t fly.”
“Anyway, I was up there, floating in the middle of the room. And suddenly. Whooossh. Whahhh! AAARRGGHHH! The room was suddenly blinding, I couldn’t see a thing, couldn’t feel a thing. I honestly thought I was dead. So I closed my eyes, waiting for it to end. But, er, nope. After a few seconds I took a peak to see what was going on. And there I was, suddenly transformed into an oil lamp. Just propped up, in the middle of the room. With the woman, who was now very tall by the way. Turns out, she was a witch. Well not a witch, she used some other fancy name, but she’s a woman who can do magic. Ergo, witch. And she thought, it would be funny to turn me into a lamp. Turn Me! Into a lamp! Can you imagine that? Me! Why me? Of all the people there that night, she decided to turn the most handsomest guy there into a bloody lamp! Wh.. Wh… What did she think, did she think this was a good idea? It was the middle of summer, it wasn’t even dark at that point. But no, she decided. ‘Oh, see that guy there. Yeah let’s turn him into a god damn lamp. Cause why the hell not."
“And that’s not the worse part. Oh no. You see, you see. When she had done with me whatever sick and twisted game she was playing. She picked me up. And just threw me outside. Yep! That’s right. Just, just threw me. Tossed me outside to land in the river. Like who does that? Who thinks, to throw a lamp into a river? Like what kind of cruel joke is that? Is that what baby witches do for fun? Hmm? Hmmm!”
“You know, I’m starting to think you don’t have much sympathy for me here mate. Like I don’t know if it’s just my old brain ticking on inside this rust bucket of a body. But, you’re not really saying much. Are you still confused about me being a lamp? Is that it? Yeah, you’re probably in shock. That’s fine, I guess. I’ll just, er, wait for you to calm down. Maybe if you find the shopkeeper he can give you a cup of tea or something… or a biscuit. Yeah that might help.”
“Anyway, when you calm yourself down, come back. Please. I don’t get to talk to people very often. Okay, er, bye for now. I guess. SEE YA.”