Melody (Mel) Young

Melody (Mel) Young (a.k.a. Mel)

At a very young age she learned how she looks was hard credits she could trade on. Melody Young (Mel) has been on her own since she was 18. When she ran away from her folks and their plantation. She has been on the move ever since. Tramp freighters girl, Whore for ten long years on the Rambling Queen and more recently a semi successful smuggler. More apt to try and use her charms to get out of trouble but not above using a blaster when needed. She is a habitual flirt. Notoriously promiscuous. For those who are her friends she is loyal and kind. She has been a lot of places all over the galaxy mostly in the outer rim.

Physical Description

General Physical Condition

Mel has a moderately curvy physique with a athletic build

Body Features

She has a tramp stamp tattoo of a crown and scepter with the words Rambling Queen between the crown and scepter and ten gems each of increasing value imbedded in her skin along the base of the crown.

Facial Features

Melody seldom wears make up and when she does its becouse she is planning on going out and drawing attention hard. Her hair is usually left loose unelsss she is either dressing up to go out or putting it out of her way do to incipient combat or becouse she has to help twist a hydrospanner or two.

Physical quirks

she bites her bottom lip sometimes when nervous.

Apparel & Accessories

Melody views clothing like a tool the right outfit for the right occasion or job as the case maybe. On a day to day level she usually opts for practical

Mental characteristics

Personal history

Melody grew up on Bakura her family was Namana farmers who were quite successful. The life of a farmer was in her opinion boring not to mention her father was abusive in a multitude of manners as well as controlling. Her mother was complicit and submissive. Eventually after a wild youth she headed to the stars and the life of a Cantina girl/ sabbac dealer/Whore and lounge singer aboard the Rambling Queen ( reference song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0Y0n6B0rEk) ( note: perversions of every world and race take on some very ominous tones when one considers bacta tanks and extensive high tech surgery abilities in the star wars world) Where she spent ten years working and learning before stepping away from her stage name Starfire and moving on to smuggling. She has a tramp stamp tattoo of a crown and scepter with the words Rambling Queen between the crown and scepter and ten gems each of increasing value imbedded in her skin on the base of the crown. Of note anyone who had seen her when she worked as Starfire would not recognize her easily. Well performing, her hair was platinum blond in that square bangs and front edges style that is commonly seen depiction on Egyptians. Her skin was as white as milk. She frequently sported elaborate makeup and always with ruby red lipstick. A elaborate emerald and platinum chain graced her neck like a collar and there was a set of matching bracelets on her wrists. Her usual performance dress was a ornate semi see through afare set with clusters of strategically placed of reflective crystals. Dress (https://canary.contestimg.wish.com/api/webimage/5d2c318036d30334d913a9bc-5-large.jpg)

Gender Identity

Cis Female

Sexuality

Bisexual

Education

Standard Highschool equivalent with extensive post grad studies on a variety of topics that she learned during her tenure on the Rambling Queen as there were sometimes weeks without clients during travel time

Employment

Nanama farm plantation worker Tramp freighter general Laborer Cantina Girl Sabbac Dealer Lounge singer Whore done simultaneously well doing the last three. Smuggler

Accomplishments & Achievements

Worked her way to the top dang near of the pecking order on the Rambling Queen. Serviced 24 customers in a double shift Survived 20 assassinations attempts.

Failures & Embarrassments

tears are weakness avoids it as much as possible and is extremely ashamed when it happens.

Mental Trauma

Sexually and mentally abused by her father Experienced extreme physical abuse by a paying customer as part of her job that resulted in a month of bacta tank time and no scars. At one point in her job she had to be the one assigning the girls to work the cutters and slicers that put her in the bacta tank for a month. Does not believe in love. There are prices for everything. Sex, blasters and credits solve most problems. Love is a lie and luck is a jade. really is a thing for her

Intellectual Characteristics

Smart whitty and thinks quickly on her feet. Overthinks things sometimes after the fact.

Morality & Philosophy

Mal tries to be nice and kind but is bitter inside becouse of her past and will sometimes default to harsh hard and cold like the shell around her tender heart

Taboos

Slavery and the harming of children or those she perceives as children. Both of these things make her ire burn and she can get as mean as krate dragon.

Personality Characteristics

Motivation

The universe is a cold hard place and Mel likes to give others memories of shinning glorious moments to look back on. She's that girl that fighters on long dark watch's in space talk about the one that could suck the finish of a hydro spanner or at least she tries.

Savvies & Ineptitudes

Melody is friendly and flirty she always has a smile for everyone. She knows she is a whore and usually expects that most have a underlaying motive usually which is ravishing her.

Likes & Dislikes

Likes attention, nanama liqure, long hot baths, sex, singing, dancing, fine dining and clothing. Dislikes, slavery, harmers of childern, chocolates

Virtues & Personality perks

Melody likes to flirt and will with almost anyone. She is a capable conversationalist on a variety of topics

Vices & Personality flaws

good booze and sex

Personality Quirks

bites her bottom lip when she is nervous

Social

Contacts & Relations

Mother-Bakura Father Bakura Tramp freighter captain Jhonas Hunntington- gods and the dm know where a multitude of prostitues of all ilks-the Rambling Queen last she knows somewhere on the outer rim

Fun Loveing scoundrel

View Character Profile

Alignment

Honorary & Occupational Titles

Lady (wich she never uses but all plataion owners and thier family are considered minor nobility)

Age

Birthplace

a plantation somewhere on Bakura

Children

Current Residence

none

Gender

female

Eyes

green

Hair

red

Skin Tone/Pigmentation

peachs and cream

Height

6ft (183cm)

Weight

200lb (89.7 kg)

Quotes & Catchphrases

What the hell why not Love is a lie and luck is a jade (sometimes together sometimes not)

Known Languages

Human Sulleston

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It's been over half a year

I still miss him everyday. Each night I cry myself silently to sleep. The emptiness in the bed where space scout should be like a great gapping painful wound. For awhile I could just pretend he was gone on another long trip. He is not though. He is never coming back. There is so much that was left unsaid between us. I would give almost anything to have him back. Facing each day knowing he is never coming through the hatchway again is a uphill battle. If not for Cadence I don't think I could even manage to drag myself from bed. I am pretty good at faking that all is well. Its not though. There is a empty acheing void that there is no filling. No one can ever replace him or fill that space for me ever again. I am not doing this ever again. I can't even look at the emeralds without crying. I still don't want to wear them for anyone ever again not even for me.

Its a lie

He is gone, Space Scout is gone. Guess they were right. Luck is a jade and love is a lie. I should have known the universe was never going to let me keep him.

oops

Well that was not the conversation I had planned. I only wanted to make a apology and explain myself and it swiftly wound up down a track I did not intend. Which led to places and things I had not planned on going or doing. Curse my weak will. Sigh at least this way I will not wind up sleeping with half of Haven. So at least there is that. I do believe though all things considered here that discretion will be the better part of valour.

Whew

Time: evening of Raymar leaving on mission after he has left. Well I am now on medication that has made it so I can sleep without nightmares. The conversations and events that lead up to it were hard and painful. I am sure that Raymar almost said we were done during the course of it. I don't think I could have handled that. Just thinking about it hurts so much I almost can't breath. It bothers me though that the fact I told him I only want to wear the emeralds for him. Only gave me a I am honored you feel that way. Not that I was fishing for a reaction but I was making a declaration of devotion. He did come home and stay the night though. I feel like though that things are not entirely ok. I just don't know what to do about it though and he is now gone for a extended time now months possibly even. I just want to cry. I am afraid he is going to come back and tell me he don't want me anymore.

Note tucked in with Raymars every day used toiletries

Note tucked in with Raymars every day used toiletries (so even if he is having a bad perception day there should be no way he can miss it.) I don't know why but every time I go to tell you this in person I am choked by fear, and the words will not come. Maybe I am just afraid that you don't feel the same way. Life however is to short. Tomorrow either of us could die. I love you Raymar Pragnant. Your my sun moon and stars. I realized this when the inquisitor showed up and I could not breath out of fear you would be killed. That I did not want to be with out you in my life ever. I am counting the days till your return I miss you horribly all ready. When you went and spent the night on the ship I could not even face our bedroom without you there. Please come home safely. I will meet you at the door with emeralds on. Love Mel

Letter to Raymar

timeing: Mouse droid delivery just after Antoc leaves from having talked to him and brought him breakfast from Mel. (writing is messy for mel usually her written stuff is perfect and smooth. There is wobble in the letter formation like her hand had been shakeing and several smudges and tear marks. Sentences slant on the page instead of her usual perfect straight alignment) Please don't leave with things like this. Right now it feels like your saying we are done. Its ripping me up inside. My eyes won't stop leaking. It was suggested to me it as possible the med bot on the rambling queen was perhaps deliberately programed to be unhelpful with this stuff. So I will go see ours once I get some sleep. I promise. If it can't be of assistance now I got some names for what is wrong I will see if I can find some other avenues. I would rather have you with me then anyone else. Please come home. I beg of you. (note Mel has done something she almost never does which is make a direct request. The only other one she has ever made to Raymar she asked him not to leave her face the nightmares alone the first time.)

Complicated and Jumbled

Lets start with fairness and cruelty. So on this last trip I was thinking about it. Raymar and I get the krate dragons share of time with Cadence. I also was feeling somewhat petty still about Antoc. So I thought I could kill two birds with one stone. On one hand I give him more time with Cadence and on the other it shows him just what he bungled. So the thought was let him stay in Cadence's room when we are on Haven. So I talked to Raymar about it to check it was cool with him. Wich it was . Then he hits me with I think this thing needs done and I am the best person to go do it well you all are hanging on Haven getting things ready for the Noru. So now after Raymar goes I am going to have a month of Antoc kicking around the house. To top it off when i talked to him about the details for Cadence's care in event of a worse case scenario. He was all perceptively talkative as he could tell something else was bugging me. I explained I was not looking forward to a month of 4 hours a night of sleep as Raymar was going off. He was all like well if you need to talk I am here. I was a asshole before and I am trying not to be a dick this time. Powers, we were just fucking its not like either of us were into talking. Admittedly when things started he said something more was of interest to him. I said we would see how it goes. But he never showed that. I said no strings attached and then along came implant failure. Hell when I told him about it, it was the longest conversation we ever had about anything. It felt weird and uncomfortable and for a moment I almost felt guilty about my petty vengeance. Sigh I probably should though have a talk with him about the nightmares. At the very least he needs to know what to do in case I slip again and or in case I fall asleep when I shouldn't . That is going to take some drinks and a evening I think. Sigh and I should probably apologize for my part in the implant failure discussion. I was all messed up becouse hormones' and probably had a given our relationship a weird unrealistic hope for a reaction then did not cope well when the one that I had hoped for didn't happen. I also probably presented it poorly. I could have done better I think. Gah Antoc acting like more, then a swinging dick, touched something in me. I don't like it. Its was not like the thunderbolt that hit me when I mattered to Raymar. However the feeling is similar but less overwhelming. Its bad enough that I am madly in love with Raymar. Not that I have ever said that to him. I am not sure I can even bring myself to do more then type that in my journal here and I almost could not do that a second time. Its terrifying. Now on the topic of the L word. Xhosa said something today about how much Raymar and I clearly loved each other and it was all I could do not to laugh hysterically and keep my cool since that is not a word either of us use in any form with each other. Then Raymar brought up that I was not happy about the trip becouse of the night mare issue. Despite the fact I had made it clear in a earlier conversation that just a cuddle would not cut it. It was going to have to be only sleep four hours a night or a bedpartner to wear myself out with. Either he was not really paying attention or hoping that there was a way round it. Conversation got interesting to say the least. Nothing like having ones nightmares and sex life become part of a group conversation. So anyways after that I had a private chat with Cassius. We are considering it. Despite my sister saying it would be cool with her. I am still not feeling entirely comfortable though with it. I respect my sisters words but ..... as attractive as I find him. I still feel leery about stepping onto my little sisters dance floor. She has had in the past a bit of a infority complex when it comes to me. I am not sure I want to deal with the fall out if I cross that line. Raymar also said cool with him. But ..... I think I am going to need to have a chat with him about the boundaries there are or are not around if I decided to do other then the four hours of sleep a night solution. Just becouse I know he is not entirely comfortable with it. I am going to give him some options for input. Basically around how he would like me to handle it. Friends yes or no or is there anyone he would prefer not. Or would he rather just not know anything around it and so forth. Before he leaves for his trip. Still not happy about it even though he is takeing Xhosa and Ace.

Near miss

That was close. Way to close. First there was the dog thing and then we were in the wrong place at the wrong time when some serious bad ass showed up to hand us our asses. I hid, it was all I could do and it killed me, but there was the baby to think of. I still feel sick about it. I was terrified, but not for me. For Space Scout. Just thinking about him being gone forever makes me want to cry like its the end of the world. Dear powers, I think I have fallen in love with him. Sigh nope I am sure I have. This is going to take some processing.

Nightmare

No, no, no ,no, not again . I am tied up and gagged. A moan of fear escapes me. I struggle with my bonds. I got to get free. Before he comes with the knife. Before the cutting starts and the pain. I struggle against my bonds. I am terrified. Oh powers I hear him coming. I don't want to live through this again. To feel the pain, to see the sadistic joyful glee in the cold grey eyes of the black haired man who has bought the right to do this to me. I want to scream but I can't. The gag prevents it. Terror is starting to over whelm me. Then I hear it. A soft gentle male voice in the back of my mind a familiar sound. Accompanied by the ghost of a sensation. Someone stroking my head. "shhhh, its ok. Your safe I got you. Its not real its a dream. Its just a dream. Your safe. " I focus on the voice. Its Raymar. Thank the powers it is just a dream. I am not alone. Not helplessly tied for torture. Raymar's voice chases the nightmare off. With a deep sigh I subconsciously snuggle back into his warm embrace once more. Slumbering on, peacefully once more.

Exit the Child

Joy baby is out and in a artificial womb. Good thing we got them when we did. Med Bot said it was almost to late to be able to. So now to back to a life where my hormones will be back adjusted to normal which is hopefully soon. That was a lot rougher then I thought it would be. I am so glad Space Scout was there to hold my hand and let me squeeze his. I can only imagine what it would have been like if i had carried to term instead of moving it to a artificial womb. I feel like crud balls. I am so very glad I did not have to do this alone. Its a good thing we are no where near haven at the moment if I was I think as soon as I got there I would just go kick Space Jockey in the shins. I am probably going to be a bit bitter and resentful for some time on this score. Everyone is making recordings for the baby Cassin even sang a song.

Conversation with Cassius: Summery

Location: Between the Rekiki System and the Becu System, Med bay. Cassius found Mel working on recording things in preparation for moving the baby to a artificial womb She turns off the recorder as he walks in He inquires what she is up to. She explains He expresses that he hopes that his voice will be included in the recordings. She assures him it will be. Along with everyone else and a great number of other things. He asks if they can talk. She is amiable. He tells her he was about 45% serious about the if you hurt Raymar i will kill you thing. (honestly if she manages to she would probably hate herself so much she would just let him.) She tells him she don't blame him she is the most likely person in that relationship to cause it to explode. She really don't want to but they both agree Mel is her own worse enemy. She explains she really wants to make this work and is terrified she is going to find a way to fuck it up. Cassius offers to help her not . Mel accepts the offer . Conversation turns to include things like : We need more piolets, sabbac, we should use the ship fund as a family/tribe fund. Tribal traditions of the sand people. Manifestation of reality by will. Mel asks Cassius to keep a eye on the conversation that Raymar is going to have with Antoc when we get to haven just in case a fist fight breaks out so someone is on hand to prevent things from getting out of hand . Cassius is amiable. Things also touched on is agreement they are both hands off other then friendly cuddles if needed as each are with someone the other considers a sibling. Mel finally tells Cassius in a vaguish manner more about what her parents did to her which is why she honesty likes the word tribe for describing their merry band vs family as it don't hold any great warm connotations for her. It is touched on that Cassius swoop gang crew could make good fighter piolets. Also touched on was they would like to find someone else besides Raymar to be a fleet commander once they got one as they would both much rather keep Raymar with them.

Soon, Thank the powers

Picked up some artificial wombs today. Now I just got to get a bunch of recording stuff done before the baby transfer. So looking forward to the end of the symptoms of carrying the wee mite myself. Also made to sure to pick up a new infertility implant don't need another one right away. Not even sure if I am going to want more but maybe we shall see if me and Space Scout manage to hold together. I would like it if we did. Often however if a thing seems too good to be true it usually is. Picked up a sweet knife today, gave my old one to Space Scout as I have noticed he did not have one and he was good enough to help me afford the new one with some extra so I was not broke. Going to have to figure out a new way to get extra personal credits. Perhaps I will play more Sabbac. Since my usual method would be less then condusive to my relationship with Space Scout.

Just Wow!!!!!!

I am still having trouble formulating coherent thoughts after that love making session last night. I am floored. Despite everything he still wants to be with me, baby and all. It don't matter to him that the father is someone else. Or that I am a broken mess. So we are a thing. We have agreed that he gets preference despite us not being exclusive which is what he would rather not becouse he wants to own or control me but becouse he would like to be enough. I can understand that. I did say I would try (and I really will becouse I want him to be happy just like he makes me) but can make no promises. I am not sure I ever could. I am still going to do my best though to try and keep my hands just to him. If nothing else I got skills and somewhere in all this I very well might feel I need to deploy them for the good of our resistance. Not that this particular thing even crossed my hormone addled brain till just now. I am however resolved I am going to give him the emeralds to hold on to part of me trying. Speaking of hormones great moons this is got to stop I feel like I am loosing my mind. I have now started forgetting things. Not good. I got to figure out how to get my hands on a artificial womb. 23,000 credits is a lot of money though and one did not surface well we were scavenging. If I don't figure it out by the time we catch up with those cryotubes I very well might put the baby on hold until I can. I am tired all the time, gaining weight, my ankles get swollen and so sick of the so called morning sickness. Morning sickness my ass that shit can happen at anytime of the day. Usually I would just go and earn it on my back if need be but that is no longer a option.

A letter

My dearest Raymar, I meant to tell you this in person. However my courage has failed me. I could not bear to see pity on your face for me. Nor do I think that I could have said the things I am going to say here without tears. Writing them alone will be hard enough. I say I am not the women men take to meet their mother with good reason. I am broken. I have fought hard for the control to think and function and not be anything more then a semi sentient sex machine. I have been able to find a place where mostly I can live with myself and am happy with where I am. I was conditioned to be this way by my parents. Who were quite frankly fucked up. I will spare you the details other then to say I was taught to give blowjobs at five by my father well my mother watched. And now I have told you a thing I have never told anyone else. I felt that it was best to give you full disclosure before you decided if a us is really what you want. I know, I am broken used goods with another mans baby in my belly and I will hold no fault on you if you find you don't want me and it. Whatever you decide my heart is still and always will be yours foremost. At anytime all you have to do is ask me to to stay and I will for as long as you want. I am sorry I can't fix myself more then I have and I can not give more then what I have already offered. In the meantime I will back off so you can have the space and capacity to think clearly. I don't want you to have any regrets. Yours always Melody ( there are some smudge marks that look like some droplets of something wet were wiped off) ( This is folded up and delivered in person the day after she left the last bit of poetry)

The day after the crumpled ball was found

A rare treasure found, A thing I did not ever dare to hope for A delicate wonderful beautiful thing One I have never held My heart hit like a laser, By words crafted to spare my feelings A thing unknown and unfelt ever before Never has anyone considered that I might feel regret For having inviting them to my embrace I tried to push that from my mind. Yet somehow my heart overruled my will And now the speaker is in my thoughts always His company missed when he is gone. Words left on my step Leave me with hope Like a flower blooming In my heart. I am wanted and yet I wonder if He is prepared I am a package deal Can this delicate thing bear The weight of the child I carry? Will the way I am Be a insurmountable obstacle I can not give exclusivity as its against my nature But I could promise priority Will it be enough? (slipped on to Raymars bunk well he was out of the room)

Shopping and more

Well he didn't get the poetry yet I swear he just yeeted his duffle onto the bed on it. Amazingly Space Scout asked to go shopping with me despite the fact i was also planning a visit to the salon. So we went and got maternity clothing for me. I am starting to get a bit of a baby bump. We also got cloths for the baby. I also managed to find a hover carriage that is lightly armored. It was nice not to be doing the shopping on my own. It was a nice unexpected surprise. I bleached my hair out to platinum blond again. I got my dress refitted at a tailor so it still fits ( https://canary.contestimg.wish.com/api/webimage/5d2c318036d30334d913a9bc-5-large.jpg ) I got my nails done as well a iridescent green . Space Scout waited at a Kaffee shop. I am sort of surprised he didn't go back to the ship. There was also a awesome surprise waiting for me when I was done at the salon. He had gone and got a nanny droid and not just any one like a top of the line sparkling new one. A XL-Lioness TDL Nanny Droid. This only confirms what I have felt about all of this since I found out Space Jockey was the father. I should have seduced Space Scout on the way to this sector. I can't seem to stop smiling as I write this. Maybe, just maybe I got a chance at keeping him. If not in the meantime I will take what I can get and have a collection of good memories to look back on. After all in the end they are the only thing we get to keep no matter what happens. He even asked me out to dinner. I, I have not had that happen in a long time. Usually things are pick up in a bar and part the next morning never to be encountered again type deal for me. I think the last time I got taken out to dinner was when I was a teenager. Mind you that's my own fault for not making men work for me more. I told him what my plans were for the day back on the ship when he first got back after I gave him a big kiss and hug and told him I missed him. He apparently missed me too and more then just telling me. He is showing me, I have never until now encountered a man who would want to do most of my days agenda which was of course shop for me and baby, salon, tailors followed by a hotel with a bath in it for the night and then some karaoke . Even after supper he just stayed with me there was not one are you sure you want me to stay. Hopefully this is the end of the whole I don't want you to have any regrets thing. Like I have told him, its usually the things I don't do that I regret. I checked in for two which had always been the intention weather he came with me or not becouse be dammed if I was spending another night alone. I am glad that he is staying I would far prefer him and his company to having to go pick someone up. I then put on my Starfire gear and we went to karaoke. It was one of the booth ones so he got me all to himself. He even with some gentle urging tried but alas he has no skill at singing. Mostly I was teasing but I love that he indulged me. He even stayed the night without me haveing to ask. I don't remember the last time I felt all warm and glowy like this inside. I am sure its just becouse I am expecting and that I had a good day and a very good evening. (there is likely to be addendums and revisions to a degree pending next game session pre game off screen stuff)

Written somewhere between Anbrai and Zifrin

Streamers of light Flow over head The echoes of stars. Alone and yet not Life burgeoning and growing Within my womb What a strange twist of fate A child at a time like this A joy and a sorrow Regret is heavy in my heart I wish the father was another A missed chance Yet I have no hope Of holding him He will move on to other things Leaving me behind To ride the streamers of light To far and distant places Only to meet perchance On some small seldom occasions The vastness of space between us Tears slip through my wills grasp My weakness clear I hide my face in shame. (hand written and Left face down on a flimsy on Raymar's bed rember he has the captains quarters on the bonegnawer placed just before arrival at station)

Way better then expected

So I talked to Raymar, he handled that my infertility implant suffered a catastrophic failure way better then Antoc did. Admittedly he was not the dad so perhaps that made things go smoother. We had a good talk on the topic and I might not be overreacting he was at least surprised and shocked that Antoc choose not to come with us despite knowing things and leavening me to cope with trying to make choices with a head full of nightmares and a belly for of baby and not enough sleep. We had a good conversation and cuddled eventually I asked if I could stay and he was amiable. He even took it well that I have decided I am keeping the baby. I think it went over his head though when I told him my only regret was that I did not seduce him sooner. Which meant I wished that the baby was his. I would really like to keep him. But I know eventually when we have a fleet he will leave us to take charge of it. We are quickly accumulating ships and I imagine it will not be too long before we got enough pilots to fly them. As it was he still left me alone with the nightmares to go with Tony and Tia. I know it was important after the incident with the kids and the customs patrol boat but .....It still kind of felt almost exactly like what Antoc did. I really like him and we do talk. It could easily become more then just a comfort. I have found myself missing his company in more ways then one. Also like with Antoc I am always the one to go to him. Makes me wonder if this is going to be just another bed partner fling. Sigh. I am debating about when we meet up on Zifrin asking him to supper. Or maybe I will just go out and tell him where I am going if he should like to seek out my company. In either case I belive I am going to find a nice place to eat with a maybe a karaoke lounge and dancing preferably in Shou town. I am going to be certainly Starfireing up though so a trip to the hair dresser is a must. Also renting a hotel room for the night that has a bathtub. I deserve some pampering. It will be good to go and sing again. I mean maybe he will just ask me to stay and not go out after he sees what I am going out in. Maybe he will ask to go with me also nice or maybe track me down later also nice. If he don't ask me to stay I am still going to go out and enjoy myself. I also have no intentions of going back to my hotel room alone. I have had enough of nights alone and having to ask for company. Ok leaning towards just going out and seeing how the cards all fall. We shall see what happens. (note to self get some breakfast food for the hotel room I am thinking bacon and eggs also kitchenette so I can have real food instead of autochef. that's one thing about the spacer life meals of fresh cooked food is seldom.)

Luck is a Jade

Almost wordless on this one. So Cassius apparently also has a nightmare problem and noticed I had not been sleeping much and honestly I looked like hell. Anyways he asked if I would like to talk about it. Problem was asked not to. After a brief moments thought, and becouse I was so tired. I said fuck it and fuck Antoc he wasn't here. So I said sure. I explained nightmares and a belly full of baby was the problem. Of course there was the round of who dad was ecxetra. I went over with him the various things I was considering and he made some very valid points about the various things I was considering and even volunteered to serve as dad or uncle as needed or to adopt it when I mentioned I was considering it. He pointed out we are a team I would not be alone in this and has urged me to tell everyone else. I am deffinatly going to. Out of curtesy I am going to tell Raymar first on his own however. Conversation segued on to the nightmares. I told him about the Rambling Queen and some of the things I experienced there. We cuddled some well we talked. Cassius said if he ever sees the ship he is going to kill the madam that its a evil place. That was really sweet of him. The odds of us encountering it however I think is very slime. Last I knew it was somewhere in the outer rim. In turn he talked about the cause of his nightmares. I can't even imagine what it must of been like to watch all of ones friends and family slaughtered well you hid in safety. As horrific as being under the cutters knife. Sometimes the universe just sucks. At least I nominally made the choice to be there, by signing the contract I did. I knew what I was getting into in theory. He did nothing for to deserve that nor did his tribe. Its no wonder he hates the empires stormtroopers. I would too. Eventually we agreed to snuggle, and just snuggle for the night to serve as each others nightmare wards. I was so tired I was out like a light. It was nice to be held with no expectations. I was so wrung out from being so emotionally strung out that I was really not up to more then a night of being held. The next morning I sure was up for more. Its amazing how a good talk and a mostly proper sleep makes you feel better. That man has the most amazing blue eyes. Anyways becouse I am despite being a lusty wench not the type to stick my fingers in someone else's cookie jar asked him if him and Xhosa is indeed a thing. He was all I don't know, and very sincere that he had no intentions of anything more than that period. I told him he should probably have a conversation with her and figure it out. He did indicate that he was game when he got things worked out. I then said I better get out of bed then before I got myself into trouble. Then as I was getting up we had a extensive conversation about life the universe and everything and life philosophy basically. Wow just wow. I found like a Rainbow Gem and a Krate Dragon Pearl. Its no fucking wonder I am knocked up cause luck is a jade. What are the odds of that I mean to men who are actually interested in my well being I am floored. Raymar actually cared that I was not going to have any regrets about sleeping with him and Cassius wanted to kill people who had hurt me and really just wanted a cuddle. I have also decided I am keeping the baby. I know its crazy but space is dark and full of terrors and I usually regret the things I decide not to do. Fact is there might never be a right time so what the hell why not. Yeah sure lots of things can go horribly wrong but life is always that way. I just don't know how Antoc is going to take it or how involved he is going to want to be or not want to be and I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I hope the hell that this is not going to cost us one of our few starfighter pilots. Maybe I have just misread things somehow after I had not been sleeping and I am overloaded on hormones. Still undecided on tubeing or not tubeing the baby lets see if we find some first. I am getting tired of eating like a bantha and having to pee all the time not to mention wanting to bang everything in sight. How the hell do other women willing live with this. Oh wait most of them don't have any choice that kind of gear is expensive and there are downsides to it. I am a bit of a cheapskate though and at least in me I would always know exactly where the baby was and that it was safe for sure. I wonder what Raymar is up to and if I can manage to talk him into a round two three and four.

Fragged Knocked up

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. Literally that's what's got me into this mess. Its official, infertility implant has failed and I am pregnant. At least the med bot made it easy to figure out who is the father. I went and told him. He took it about as well as could be expected since I woke him up. Part of me wishes he had just swept me up in his arms kissed me and said it was all going to be all right and we would work this out together. Fact is though we don't talk we just have sex . So not even a remotely fair expectation. I am kind of poleaxed as well. I don't know what I am going to do. Abortion is not a option at least not in my opinion. At least his first reaction was not to ask if I was going to do that. He seems open to the idea of parenting. He even did suggest that we could maybe tube it and send it to his brother to raise with some involvement by us. Apparently his brother has some kids of his own. Incidentally first time he has even mentioned any family at all to me. I don't know ...... I don't know if I can do this. Its not like we are really any kind of a couple. Hell for that matter I am not sure I am cut out to be any kind of a mother. There is also the issue of we are neck deep in fermenting a resistance to the empire that used to be the republic. I can't imagine trying to raise a child personally well doing this. So I think that's a definite big NO. There is also this what if we don't live through this. I mean the odds are good. The empire is huge and has a massive amount of resources. We are just a tiny handful of people. We are like a child with a water gun trying to facedown a adult with a stunner. As it stands the universe as it is, is not what I would want to leave a child alone in. I mean there is I suppose the option of my folks but not really I would not a dog in the hands of those people after how I was treated growing up nor would I risk subjecting a child to the things I was subjected to by them. Really should have shot them both in the head in their sleep before I left. Good thing my father kept his guns locked up. Sigh so we sort of agreed to sleep on things but its been a couple of days now and we are off for probably about a month maybe more and Space Jockey still has not said anything to me about it. Why the hell do I always got to be the one to go to him. I really am beginning to think this is a very once sided relationship. He said when we started things he was open to something long term. I thought it might mean something more then just bed buddy's but it don't seem to be working that way. I know I said no strings but I am not feeling particularly wanted more like sex partner of opportunity. Now he has said he is not coming with us. Really leavening me to deal with this all by myself good fucking hell how the frag would you raise a kid with a guy who does that. What's worse is I can't even tell my friends becouse he asked me to keep it personal and secrete. So I get to work what the hell I am going to do all by myself. I don't even have the option to try and talk it out some with him. So now what am I supposed to do. I just want to be held well I cry myself to sleep Maybe Space Scout will oblige me. Now to try and muster myself together to even ask. Maybe I will just go crawl into bed with him between the sheet and blanket and hope he lets me stay instead of asking. Or maybe I won't. I don't know. I think I will fall apart if he says no. I so badly don't want to be facing this alone. I think I will try and find a way of telling my friends without actually telling them so I can claim I didn't at the least even if I can't talk about it to them. Just how I am going to pull that one off I don't know yet. Maybe Xhosa will clue in and figure it out if I drop a hint. She could easily. Sometimes she just knows things. I just need to give her a cue on what to look for. I am now really kicking my own ass that I even said anything. I was trying to do the right thing. sigh I should have just sucked it up and dealt with it by myself which I am now doing anyways. At least I might have been able to talk it out with someone.

Nopeing out

Yeah going to nope out on mentioning to the guys about its possible my infertility implant is failed or failing. I mean no point in bugging them with it unless there is a consequence. Then I will worry about it. Other wise why worry them. I would rather see them going about the ship with smiles then a worry frown besides that Space Scout just recently re-found his sense of humor. I would hate to spoil it. I will just bop over to the other ship and the med bot when we get back to Haven and get it checked out. Might just be me being paranoid. Or it could be I got a case of post combat procreation desire and its nothing to be concerned.

Today

That was intense all though we did better then I had feared we would. Space battle went off with barely a hitch although Space Scout did wind up a sitting duck for a few. (note to self need to practice my laser gunnery) Gave me a bit of a scare. The assault went well at first but there was a moment when none of us was sure of what to do. Xsosa was amazing blaster bolts flying everywhere . It was a magnificent sight too bad it looks like her and Cassius look like they could be a thing hell for that matter he is no slouch either. I learnt something though and I think it would not hurt us to do some training scenarios also from now on I want some deck plans for this kind of thing so I can at least do a tentative plan ahead of time. We lost some serious time in the process imho. I think a better jammer of some sort is in order as well. Space Scout and Flyboy did a very wicked space vehicle retrieval. Frag they were smoking would have hauled them both back to my cabin if I could have gotten away with it. Down women, off to the fresher with you. Dammit wonder if my implant is starting to fail my hormones have been crazy lately. (should get that checked pregnancy not in the plan)(Player would not object . See DM you don't have to make up drama for me I do it for myself WEG) You have done too much chasing of late. Time to wait and see if anyone chases you back some. Besides that sometimes its nice to be pursued some. A women likes to feel wanted. Hopefully by the time we get back to Haven one of those luxury crew modules will be there and I can have a long hot soak and pamper myself a bit. Not like I can count on anyone else doing it for me. Sometimes being a strong independent women sucks. I would kill for a good full body massage maybe I will take myself out to a parlor next time I hit a port big enough. Could also go for a good meal, not chicken bucket or out of the autochef. Maybe a fancy restaurant with a performer of some kind be interesting to see what kind of thing is popular in this sector. Been vaguely considering putting Starfire back on again. Could be a ticket for gathering information. Might also be a manifestation of its been a long time since I have been pursued and there was no shortage of that when I was Starfire, mind you I was also for sale but it still made me feel wanted. Frag right if the infertility implant is either failing or has failed. Its not impossible the problem is I am pregnant. Shit birds going to have to wait to find out till I can get to the med bot on the Bone Gnawer. Dammit now the questions are should I be telling the guys or keeping it to myself until I can find out one way or another. Is it fair not to tell them? I mean it could be nothing. On the other hand I don't want them to think I am shunning them either. Frag, frag frag. On top of it I said no strings and a kid well that can be a hell of a string. Not that I would want it to be. Deep breaths one thing at a time no point in panicking until I know one way or another. At the very least I should tell them that I suspect it may be starting to stop working and need to get it checked out. Then in the worst case scenario things will not be a complete shock and surprise to them. Do I tell them both at the same time or separately? This was so much easier when I was a whoreing none of this shit was even a question. It was wham bam thank you ma'am, and odds were good you never seen them again after the Rambling Queen moved on to the next port of call. Even though it would be easier perhaps to tell them both at once. After thinking about it I think it will be separately. Fragging hell I want a drink. (I think I am done with this entry but there could be modifications between now and next game)

And Yet?

The conversation was not a easy one, for either of us I think and as I had guessed painful. I touched on things I would rather not have. That man asked me some hard questions in turn. It was fair that he wondered if I had it in me to do this thing I had committed to. I revealed more of things in my past then was comfortable. Least I managed it without tears leaking. I hate crying in front of others tears are weakness. When it was done I was raw inside as expected. Confounded obtuse man I had to physically ask him to stay, becouse you could stay was apparently not clear enough somehow. Even then ...wow I was almost space scouted, I, I have never had that happen to me before. It was unexpected. The feeling that slammed into me at that, for just a moment was deeply touching but swiftly overwhelmed by the fear of being left alone to face the nightmares that were sure to come. I pleaded, (I can't believe I did that I have never in my life begged anyone for their presence in my bed) I desperately did not want to sleep alone. Even worse tears escaped. But stayed he did after I reassured him more than once I would have no regrets if he did. That too was a first. Never before has anyone ever been concerned by how I might feel about my choices after the fact. I am at a complete loss at it. Best to put it behind me as I have other things. Better to focus on the things I took away from our conversation previous to that. It helped ground me and I was able to reconcile some of the things of the past to the present situation. I feel more able, and clarity about what must be done. There will be no more hesitation. Some things now are not so different from some things from my past. At least no one is going to be trying to kill me becouse they want my place. Its going to be awhile however before I manage to chase the nightmares back into their box in the back of my mind again. So it will be 24 hours of awake and 4 hours of sleep probably for a couple of months. Lots of time to practice singing, get in some yoga and get in laps of the cargo bay. Probably should put together a training schedule and run some drills. Now that I think of that. I am sure Raymar has practice at that kind of thing given his command experience. I will ask for his assistance in organizing these things as I have no clue about handling it in this exact kind of situation.

Just Breathe (from inside the head of Melody)

I am ok, I am ok. No really I am ok. Today I made a hard choice one that took away all that someone could be. The good of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I have made hard choices before but this one felt different. More difficult. I wonder if it gets easier. The only one I know who might answer that is Raymar. I suspect that this will not be a easy conversation for either of us. I will be asking him questions that might well take him to uncomfortable places in his past. Its possible I will have to visit some of those places of my own on this conversation. If nothing else to help link it to the skills I have developed in the past for such things. Grandad a veteran of the local police force always said if you want to look into places like that in someone. You must be prepared to show some of your own. I think its highly likely that by the end of it I at least will not want to stay alone with the nightmares that will be sure to come. I am ok with that but I wonder if he will stay. He seemed awfully focused the night of the party on his game. Perhaps he is not even be into women or at the very least does not find me his type or attractive for whatever reasons. Note to self brandy will be required social lubricant should make the conversation easier for both of us.

History

Melody grew up on Bakura her family was Namana farmers who were quite sucessful. The life of a farmer was in her opinion boreing and eventually after a wild youth she headed to the stars and the life of a Cantina girl/ sabbac dealer and lounge singer aboard the Rambling Queen ( reference song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0Y0n6B0rEk) Where she spent ten years working and learning before stepping away from her stage name Starfire and moving on to smuggling. She has a tramp stamp tattoo of a crown and scepter with the words Rambling Queen between the crown and scepter and ten gems each of increasing value imbedded in her skin on the crown. Of note anyone who had seen her when she worked as Starfire would not recognize her easily. Well performing, her hair was platinum blond in that square bangs and front edges style that is commonly seen depiction on Egyptians. Her skin was as white as milk. She frequently sported elaborate makeup and always with ruby red lipstick. A elaborate emerald and platinum chain graced her neck like a collar and there was a set of matching bracelets on her wrists. Her usual performance dress was a ornate semi see through afare set with clusters of strategically placed of reflective crystals. Dress (https://canary.contestimg.wish.com/api/webimage/5d2c318036d30334d913a9bc-5-large.jpg)

Holding on to the banthas tail

Nanamma's alive, I have done it now. So far things have been proceeding ok. Feel like this is going to be like trying to fix a air leak with chewing gum and some duct tape. The team seems to be working well together so far. Consensus on actions has been easy to come by so far. There will come a time though when a disscion will come up when I will not be able to consult everyone. There will not be time and there will be lives at risk. I can do this it will not be the first time. We all agreed to do this thing and we knew there would be risks. The lives of free traders are never easy or without hazard. Having a good team is important. I think I have managed to find a good one. Everyone seems competent at their jobs. They all do well in brainstorming exercises and in coordinated group activities. So far no signs of anyone being a wildcard. Here is hoping we prosper in our endeavors.