Porch pirates 2085

>>> Matrix PSA <<<
Remember remember the fifth of November... Oh sorry wrong holiday... Yeah righto porch pirates, you love them, you hate them, you know them and wish you could forget them. So ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, remember to take care this holiday season.
Be armed at least with a shotgun when answering your door. You never know if it is a delivery or some ganger scum trying to invade your home.
Require any delivery person to submit to a retinal scan at your door ringer. Get instant identify verification for only three pounds 90p courtesy of Securitect Facial Recognition.
Do remember that your underpaid and overworked staff of the Greater Metropolition Police and Emergency Services do have members that will moonlight (after calling off sick) to watch over your fine residential block or housing estate for a friendly and low fee. All of course being negotiated by you your very self.
>>> Stumpy <<< Pay some lazy fascist ticket writer? Sod off, I got me hounds.
>>> Jacen <<< Your hounds are lazy drool factories.
Some might wonder as to why there are people that feel it necessary to go about snatching another person's packages off of the front step or porch. Some say it is poverty, however, there is never an excuse for theft.
>>> Your Neighborhood Pyrate <<< Firstly drekhead you spell it Pyrate. Why do we go snatching packages? Well how many times has some shyte driven by and splashed you with the filth in a puddle? How many times have you walked by a food shop and those uppity snobs turn up their noses while schmecking away at their carvery giving you a "Don't you wish you had this" look. Real bastards they are.
>>> Jabberwocky <<< I think a pyrate needs some of my special chemical relaxation techniques.
Needless to say our darling powers that be under the direction of Her Majesty's Ministry of the Interior will be out with extra force to stop these vagabond vagrant thieves. 
Be safe and well, may your holidays be bright. God Bless the Queen!