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The Fellowship of McCabbage

Starring:

Isengriff McCabbage and Lindonrow Valenroff   Romalda Harfoot and Halbbo Proudfeet
-Isengriff and Lindonrow are on a sinking ship in the middle of the sea. How did they get into this situation? Well, it all started when Lindonrow's daughter Zana abandoned him. Unwilling to continue dwelling in Aldenard and with no clear idea of what they should do, the two of them bought a boat (which they named the Glory of Cantha) and set out in search of new lands.   -Unfortunately, they found no new lands. Instead they spent two decades slowly decaying. Most of their crew starved when the food ran out, and the rest were killed in a freak storm. Since then the two have been adrift without any hope of rescue. Then, in a stroke of luck (good luck or bad, it was hard to tell) they hit a rock and began to sink.   -Slowly their ship begins to sink beneath the waves. As the water laps around their ankles, the two adventurers consign themselves to an eternity beneath the waves without any hope of rescue.   -Of course, they could just teleport out using their immense powers, but that wouldn't be very interesting. Might as well spend a few years experiencing what it's like to be stuck in a dark abyss before going off to do something else.   -Suddenly, Spookmaster appears on the deck. Without any preamble he turns to Isengriff and Lindonrow and says: "I need you to go back into the past for me."   -Isengriff draws his sword threateningly but Lindonrow holds him back and replies: "Where do you want us to go…and why?"   -"I can't tell you that, you just have to go"   -"Now you wait just a minu-"   -Before Lindonrow can finish his sentence, Spookmaster has opened a time portal and dumped them through it. The Lord of Purgatory stands on the sinking ship for a moment longer, pondering the past and future. Then he teleports out.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow, meanwhile, find themselves thrown into a small cavern lit by torches. Their bodies have been shapechanged against their will- Isengriff has gone from beefy red-haired hunk to slightly less beefy brown haired hunk, and Lindonrow is now a lanky elf. Also they are naked.   -Lindonrow spots someone lying on the ground nearby. It looks like nothing he's ever seen before- short, bearded, and extremely thick around the waist. His mind immediately thinks of jeubs, but that doesn't really make sense because the creature has a much more…normal face. Also, it is lying on the ground for some reason.   -Isengriff approaches the creature and says: "Get up you lazy jeub."   -The creature opens its eyes and says grumpily: "Oi, wot are ye doin in me house! How dare ye call me a lazy joob in me own house, ya weak, unclothed humie! What even is a joob anyway?"   -"A jeub is what you are, jeub. Now tell us where we are and give us clothing, or I am going to tell your manager how lazy you're being right now."   -"I don't have a manager, ya stupid humie. And yer in my house, so call whoever you like! In fact, methinks that I'll call the guards, tell 'em two tallies have invaded me home! That'lll teach ya to break into people's homes without any clothes on!"   -Isengriff taps his foot inpatiently and says: "Sorry, this just isn't going to work out for me." He raises his finger and points it at the strange creature, and it evaporates in a wave of white light. A small bloodstain is all that's left.   -Lindonrow jumps back in surprise then slaps his forehead in frustration and says: "Why'd you have to do that? We could have gotten information from him."   -"I've been stuck on a boat with nothing to do for twenty years, I don't want information. I want to kill every jeub I can get my hands on."   -"I don't think that was a jeub."   -"You can't prove it."   -"Fair enough…let's get out of this cave."   -They leave the cave through the front door without seeing anyone else. Now that they are outside, they get a better look at this new land they've found themselves in. They're standing near the top of a tall mountain, facing a sheltered valley. A few settlements dot the valley, most of them built into the sides of the mountains. On the opposite side of the valley, barely within view, is a forest. Lindonrow points down at the nearest settlement- a small village at the base of the mountain- and they make their way down towards it.   -----   -Meanwhile in the heavens above, two elder gods are having an argument. Allah slaps his knee in annoyance and says: "Damn it! I had plans for that dwarf. There was a whole character arc for him! We need to destroy those two before they do more damage!"   -His brother Colin makes a placating gesture and replies: "Now wait, we don't know where these guys came from! They could be from anywhere, past or future! I say we let them do whatever they're gonna do, I want to see how this plays out."   -"Ugh, you never had respect for the story! If we let these maniacs run rampant, they'll destroy everything we've been building for the past millenium! They just evaporated that dwarf, whose to say they can't do the same thing to a whole village, or even a city? Too risky, we need to destroy them."   -"You have a point. How about we compromise. We're more powerful than them by far, we can seal off their magical energy so that they'll lose all their powers. Then they won't be able to do nearly as much damage, and we can still observe them to see what they do."   -"Hmmm… very well. Take their powers."   -Colin points down at the land below and does an incredibly complex magical ritual, sealing off Isengriff and Lindonrow's magical energies and reducing them in power to the level of regular mortal men.   -----   -Isengriff and Lindonrow feel a slight weakness come over them, but neither of them realize the full extent of what has happened. They make their way into the village and approach the person who seems to be in charge. He's similar in appearance to the other creature they met earlier, although he is dressed in chainmail armor with a helmet. He eyes them up as they approach and says: "Well, what're a humie and an elf doin in me town?"   -Isengriff, who really does not like being called a 'humie', raises his finger to blow the creature into oblivion. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing happens.   -The creature looks at him wiggling his finger about, frowns, and says: "Eh! Stop yer pointin, humie. It's creepin' me out."   -Isengriff coughs uncomfortably and says to Lindonrow: "We need to talk, in private."   -They walk off a few feet away from the confused man and Isengriff explains that his powers are not working. Lindonrow points his finger at the creature and attempts to evaporate it, but he too is unable to do so. The creature, now thoroughly annoyed, notices Lindonrow's gesture and yells: "I saw that! Stop yer pointin or it's the cells fer you!"   -Lindonrow puts his finger down and whispers to Isengriff: "There's something fishy going on here. We can't afford to antagonize these people until we've figured out what's going on. I'd hate to be killed by something so short…"   -Isengriff agrees. They walk back over to the creature and Lindonrow asks it: "So…who are you people? I'm sorry, we're not from around here."   -The creature looks at him suspiciously and says: "We be dwarves! Durin's Folk! Surely ye've heard of us?"   -"Ah…yeah, we have…"   -"Hmmm…alright then. Tell me, what ye be doin' in these lands, pointin' fingers at innocent folk?"   -"Well, we're actually…erm, mercenaries. We're looking for work. Sorry about the finger pointing, it's…a cultural tradition among our people."   -"Seems like a strange tradition…but humies and elves are quite strange. Sorry fer the misunderstandin'. As far as work goes, we got plenty 'round here. Head to the armoury and tell 'em Igul sent you. They'll give ye what armor and weapons we can find to fit people of your stature."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow make their goodbyes to Igul and head off to find the village's armory. As they are leaving, Isengriff turns around and says to the dwarf: "Thanks for the help, Igloo!"   -Luckily, Igul doesn't hear this. Isengriff and Lindonrow go to the armory and get what gear can be found for them, it isn't much, but it's better than being naked. The clerk at the armory tells them they can find work all over the valley, they need only ask around.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow wander around for a while looking for someone who can give them more information. As they are walking down the road, they spot someone. They both assume he is a dwarf, but even they can see that he looks rather….odd, compared to the other dwarves they've seen. He is shorter than the others, has green skin, and looks generally unsavory.   -Isengriff approaches the strange dwarf and says: "Hello, we're looking for work. Got any leads?"   -The dwarf looks at them in confusion and terror, then says: "Work? Yes…um, my name is Guard Captain Unnarr…I'm a dwarf."   -"Yeah, we can see that. Do you have any work for us, or are you just going to stand there making obvious statements?"   -The dwarf's fear seems to lessen. As he becomes less afraid, his voice takes on a more aggressive tone as he says: "Yeah, I got work for you, tallies. There's a cave nearby. Heard it was infested with bandits from the Dourhand Clan. Go kill 'em all, now!"   -Unnarr doesn't seem inclined to talk anymore after this, so Isengriff and Lindonrow head for the cave to do as he asks. They find the cave to be infested by other greenskinned dwarves. There are more than they expected, but even without their powers they are still formidable warriors. The cave is soon emptied of all inhabitants, including a group of children they find hiding in a corner. They look the corpses for any valuables and find a few bent coins and other junk.   -Their mission now complete, they head back to look for Unnarr. Luckily, they don't have to search far because he is standing right where they left him. As they approach, Unnarr shrieks and says: "How are you alive?"   -Lindonrow replies in annoyance: "Dude, it wasn't that hard. Honestly it's strange that bandits would be so bad at fighting. Also, very strange that they had children with them."   -Unnarr falls on his hands and knees in shock and screams: "OH MY GOD. MY WHOLE FAMILY IS DEAD!" Then he runs off in the direction of the cave with not another word.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow look at one another and shrug. They walk down the road a bit more until Lindonrow stops and says: "Man, killing bandits makes me thirsty. You think they've got any taverns around here?"   -"Well, there was a pretty large town on the north side of the valley. They've got to have a tavern there."   -They go to the town, which is built into the side of a mountain, and ask for directions until they are able to find out where the tavern is.   -They walk in confidently and Lindonrow slams all his old coins from the cave on the table and says: "I'll take all the ale I can buy with that."   -The barkeep looks down at the coins and frowns, saying: "What kinda game ye be playin, elfie? These be goblin coins, and it don't take an expert to see that."   -"I don't know what that means."   -"Eh? You got bonked on the head, boyo? Don't know what a goblin is?"   -"Look, we got shipwrecked and don't remember a whole lot."   -"Ah, the sea madness. I've seen it many times before."   -Neither of them know what 'sea madness' is, but Lindonrow decides to play along to try and extract information from this guy, and Isengriff follows suit.   -Lindonrow smacks his hand on the table and says: "Yes, that must be it! The sea madness!"   -"Tis a horrible condition, me boys. I pity ye. Tell you what, I'll give you both free ales on the house, on one condition."   -"What's that?"   -He points at a dwarf in a cloak sitting in the corner of the room and says: "That there be Stridi, the greatest loremaster I know. I want ye to go talk to him. If anyone can help ye with yer memory, he can."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow are honestly impressed by the barkeep's kindness and thank him sincerely. Then they head over to Stridi and explain the situation to him. The loremaster shakes his head sadly and says: "Aye, I've seen it before. I cannae heal yer condition though. You need elvish medicine fer that."   -Isengriff looks at him strangely and says: "Elves? Like, the people who eat cheese and surrender?"   -"Eh? No, nothin' like that. Elves are an ancient people, wise in lore. Like yer friend here. Or like yer friend would be if he could remember anythin'.   -Lindonrow pulls Isengriff aside and whispers: "I think they have a different kind of elf around here…"   -Stridi continues talking: "Aye, I cannae cure ye. But ye'll never make it to the elves without a little more info, so I'll give ye what I can."   -He pulls out a map and hands it to Lindonrow, who looks at it. Stridi points at it and says: "This be a map o' Middle-Earth. That's what we call this world." He then points at a region on the western side of Middle-Earth and continues: "Here is where we are. This town be called Thorin's Hall, and it sits on the western edge of the land known as Ered Luin, known as Lindon by some."   -Lindonrow perks up at the name 'Lindon' and considers saying something about it. In the end, he decides to keep his mouth shut. Surely the similarity is just a coincidence.   -The loremaster continues: "Now, ye'll be wantin' to find elves. To the best of me knowledge, the nearest settlement that may have some elves livin' in it is Gondamon, to the southeast. It's mostly a dwarven town, but elves travel there often enough. They may not be able to help you themselves, but they'll be able to guide ye to those who can."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow thank him for his help. As they are about to leave, Isengriff has a thought and turns around to ask: "Wait, there is one more thing. We saw some strange greenskinned dwarves on the road near here. What's the deal with that?"   -Stridi gives him a funny look and says: "Greenskinned dwarves? There be no such thing. Ye must have seen goblins. Tell me the whole story."   -Isengriff explains their brief adventure with Guard Captain Unnarr. As he finishes, Stridi laughs heartily and says: "Yep, those be goblins alright. This Unnarr must have been a goblin tryin' to trick ye. He wanted you to go into that cave so ye'd be killed. Guess he didn't anticipate you folk bein' so tough!"   -"Huh. That seems like a pretty poorly thought out plan on his part."   -"Aye, goblins don't be the smartest of creatures. But watch out fer them- they may be small and dumb, but they are also capable of great evil in great numbers. They've increased in number lately. More an' more we hear tales of travelers waylaid on the roads. Aye, these be dark times."   -Lindonrow looks at Isengriff and whispers: "Short, dumb, and evil? These 'goblins' must be some form of jeub." Isengriff agrees.   -They thank Stridi again and turn to leave, but the dwarf stops them and says: "Now wait a moment laddies. You seem like the kind o' guys who appreciate a good party. How abouts ye stay here a while longer and have some ale, on me."   -They heartily accept his offer and the three of them spend the next couple of hours getting incredibly drunk. Eventually, Stridi gets up and says: "Oi, letsch…play a game. I know…an old dwarvish game…it'sch called trimp or… trick… or….erm…follow me!"   -Before they can say another word, Stridi runs off into the tunnels of the dwarf fortress. They follow him.   -Stridi runs for a while, then stops in front of a random dwarf miner and whistles loudly. The miner shakes his fist at the loremaster, but before he can do anything more Stridi has run off again, cackling drunkenly. He does this repeatedly, harassing random miners and other workers.   -Stridi's drunken bender ends abruptly when he runs into one of the town's great forges. Like many dwarf forges, this forge is fed by hot lava from deep beneath the mountains. This lava sits in a large pool at the center of the room, completely exposed. As Isengriff and Lindonrow watch, Stridi capers drunkenly near the edge of the pit, trips, and falls in.   -The fire sobers him up quickly and he begins to scream in agony as his body is consumed by the flames. None of the dwarves seem particularly concerned by this. In fact, one of them nonchalantly walks over to a large chalkboard which says "DWARVES KILLED IN FORGE ACCIDENTS THIS MONTH" and puts a small tally on it. There are a lot of tallies.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow are also sobered up somewhat by the experience and wander off, shaking their heads at the ridiculously lax safety standards of the dwarves.   -They spend another day recovering from their hangovers in a small unused storage closet, then set out at dawn for Gondamon.   -They travel along the southern road for two days, leaving the valley of Thorin's Hall in the afternoon of the second day. Soon after leaving the valley, the snow begins to thin out and they descend out of the mountains into a region of plains and hilly forests. According to their map, they are now in Ered Luin proper.   -They continue on for a while longer, but as night is falling they come across a large wooden palisade blocking the road. It looks to have been constructed within the past couple of days, and it is manned by a couple dozen goblins and dwarves. They leave the road before they are spotted and move through the trees to try and get a better idea of what is going on.   -Before they get far, they hear someone whisper behind them: "Pssst…come here."   -They follow the voice and find a human man sitting in a clearing on a log. He's dressed in a green and brown cloak which blends into the environment and has a hood obscuring most of his face. At face value he looks extremely suspicious, but Isengriff and Lindonrow both sense that there is more to him.   -The man motions to another nearby log and says: "Sit with me, travellers."   -They sit on the log, but Isengriff remains agitated and says beligerently: "Who are you and what do you want?"   -"I am called Lanky, and I am a Ranger of the North. I simply want to warn you that you should not go further. I have been watching this stretch of road for the past day, and it seems that the Dourhand bandits have made some unholy alliance with some of the goblin tribes in this region. They've blocked the road, so I have been warning off travellers from this region while I wait for reinforcements to help drive them off."   -Isengriff laughs and says: "Well, reinforcements have arrived. Thanks for the warning, but we're gonna go along anyway."   -"Surely you do not mean to attack the palisade? There are at least three dozen goblins and dwarves defending it, no one in this age could overcome such numbers!"   -"Look man, if you help us then we only have to take a dozen each. Easy!"   -Lindonrow nods his head in agreement. Lanky looks at them as if they are insane and politely declines the offer. Still, he follows behind at a relatively safe distance when they approach the barricade.   -The goblins throw down insults at their attackers, but Isengriff and Lindonrow climb over the side of the palisade with almost supernatural swiftness and cut them down. An alarm is raised in the bandit camp and more come swarming out to attack, but these too are destroyed. Lanky looks on in awe, and after about a dozen goblins and dwarves have been cut down he climbs up onto the barricade and begins to help. He is nowhere near as tough as Isengriff and Lindonrow, but he kills six goblins before the rest flee.   -The three of them enter the camp, killing a few dwarves too stubborn to flee. At last they reach the camp's main campfire, where one last goblin is sitting. Isengriff and Lindonrow think they recognize him, but they aren't entirely sure until he speaks, saying: "You! Murderers of my family! I knew you would come…"   -Lindonrow looks at him closely and says: "Guard Captain Gunnarr?"   -"That's Gungnakh to you, paleskin! You may have killed my family and foiled my trap here, but I will have my revenge! The world of men will fall!"   -With that, he kicks the coals of the fire in their faces and runs off into the night while they are busy trying to put out all the little fires that have sprung up on their clothes.   -As he pats himself down, Lindonrow angrily exclaims: "That dumb jeub! I'm gonna tear his head off."   -Lanky looks at him and replies: "You should not be so bloodthirsty…but goblins are evil creatures. Killing them all would make the world a better place. That one in particular worries me. He seems determined to destroy you. Any idea why?"   -Lindonrow explains how they killed Gungnakh's family and Lanky nods his head and says: "Interesting. This goblin seems to have cared more for his family than most, but this is not that surprising. The creatures of Sauron are vengeful- they delight in violence and do not need much motivation to engage in it. I expect we will see more of Gungnakh before long."   -Isengriff, who has been rifling through the pockets of a dead dwarf for coins and other knick-knacks, looks up and says: "Who's 'Sauron'?"   -Lanky looks at him in surprise and shakes his head while saying: "I knew that knowledge of lore had fallen far in these parts, but that people would not even know the name of the Dark One himself? Much has been lost."   -"Ok, great. Can you just tell us who he is?"   -"Sauron is one of the maiar, a spirit of the ancient world. He once served the Dark Lord Morgoth thousands of years ago, but since Morgoth's fall he has served his own ends. Long ago he was defeated by the Last Alliance at the end of the Second Age, but he has returned and is preparing to ma-"   -"Cut to the chase."   -"Fine. Sauron is an ancient spirit who rules over the land of Mordor and is preparing to destroy the free peoples of Middle-Earth. Goblins, Orcs, and other such creatures are all his creatures, although some do not serve him directly. This Gungnakh is more likely an independent operator, descended from wild goblins who have dwelt in these hills for many years. Still, his actions serve Sauron's ends."   -Lindonrow turns to Isengriff and says: "This Sauron guy seems like a big deal. I bet we could take him"   -"Yeah, easy-peasy."   -Lanky looks at them in shock and horror and says: "I admit that I underestimated you earlier, but even if you could kill a hundred, nay, two hundred goblins, you could not face Sauron himself! It is madness to try!"   -At this point, Isengriff and Lindonrow are barely listening to him. Lindonrow continues talking to Isengriff as if he did not hear Lanky at all: "Maybe we should try it. If this guy is such a big deal around here, maybe that's why Spookmaster sent us here."   -"Yeah, maybe."   -Lanky, who by this point is half convinced that they are both completely insane, says: "I do not know what you are talking about and it is beginning to worry me, so let's change the subject. You want to deal with Gungnakh, I presume?"   -Isengriff nods emphatically and says: "Yeah, I hate all jeubs."   -"I do not know what a jeub is, but I will assume that you are talking about goblins. This is good, I could use your help dealing with him. First, however, we must learn what he is up to. I am talented in traversing these wilds, so I will search the country for sign of goblin and Dourhand movements. If you would be so kind, I would appreciate it if you would head to the town of Kheledul and poke around there. The Dourhands took it over some months ago and have been using it as their headquarters. If Gungnakh is attempting to forge an alliance with the bandits as I fear, he will likely have been there at some point. They may know something of his plans."   -They agree to his plan and leave him to go about his business. They locate Kheledul on their map and begin heading eastwards towards it.   -By the time they reach Kheledul, both of them have forgotten exactly what Lanky wanted them to do there. Thus, they fall back on their usual problem solving method and draw swords.   -The bandits don't even know what hit them. Despite being the HQ of their gang, it seems that most of the bandits don't dwell in Kheledul because there is only about three score defending the place. The gate guards die before they can sound the alarm and Isengriff and Lindonrow enter the city.   -It only takes a couple of seconds for all the bandits to realize that the two non-dwarves entering their town with bloody swords are not friendly. They attack en masse, but even together they are no match for the sheer speed and skill of Isengriff and Lindonrow, who cut them all down in moments.   -They explore the abandoned town for a while longer, but since both of them have already forgotten why Lanky sent them here in the first place, they leave without making any significant discoveries.   -They head back to Lanky's camp and wait their for him. He shows up before too long and begins to explain what he's been doing: "I hunted goblins through the woods for miles. They seem to be gathering for something big, an assault of some kind. They have bandits with them. What have you discovered?"   -Isengriff scratches his head and says: "Oh…uh, we were supposed to find something?"   -"Yes! You were supposed to go to Kheledul and discover the nature of this alliance between the bandits and the goblins."   -"Well, we didn't do that. We just killed all the bandits, instead."   -Lanky honestly seems slightly impressed with this, but he continues his annoyed lecture anyway: "Well, that is good. But it would have been a lot better to know more about what is going on here."   -"Well, too bad I guess."   -"Pfft. It doesn't matter anyway. I already know what they are planning."   -Lindonrow shakes his head and says: "Then why have you been wasting our time lecturing like this? Just tell us who needs to die and we'll rip their heads off. It's not complicated."   -"…Fine. The goblins are amassing for an assault on the city of Gondamon."   -"Gondamon? We were on our way there when we met you."   -"Not surprising, it's the largest city in the region by a fair bit. Until now it has been mostly safe from goblin attacks, but this new warleader of theirs seems to be massing a force many times larger than any other goblin horde I've seen in these parts. I fear they may be enough to overcome the defenses."   -"Well, let's go beat them up then."   -"Yes, that seems to be our only choice. I know not if we will be enough to turn the tide, but we have to try. For the good of the free peopl-"   -Isengriff raises a finger and puts it to Lanky's lips, interrupting him, and says: "Shut up. Let's go kill some gobbies."   -Lanky leads them through the wilds towards Gondamon. As they near the city, Isengriff notices the red glow of a large fire to the south. He suggests they go see what it is, to which Lanky begrudgingly agrees.   -As it turns out, the bonfire is at the center of a large goblin camp. It looks like there are about 100 goblins in the camp all tolled, maybe slightly fewer. Lindonrow is not impressed with this, having expected at least 500 or more. He says as much, to which Lanky replies: "Hmmm…no, there is no way this could be the main force. It must be a diversion of some kind."   -Lindonrow slaps him on the shoulder and says: "Come on Lanky, it's ok to admit you were wrong. Clearly you are just scared of gobbies and assumed there were more than there really are."   -"Yeah, no. This is an obvious diversion. They probably knew we would come this way and set this up to distract you while they take the city."   -"Isn't that a bit of stretch?"   -"Not really. Gobbies can be tricksy."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow blow him off and draw their weapons to approach the camp. Lanky considers following them for a moment, but eventually decides to go to Gondamon. As he leaves he yells: "You may be fooled by this trick, but I know better. If you get over yourselves, join me in Gondamon. We could use you there."   -They do not acknowledge him and continut towards the camp. The goblins notice them approaching before they reach the camp and charge, but they are disorganized and easily defeated. The rest of the goblins form a ragged line and draw spears. Isengriff and Lindonrow jump over them and take them from behind.   -The remaining goblins flee to the center of their camp and form up around a heavily armored goblin who seems to be their leader. The leader laughs at Isengriff and Lindonrow and says: "You fools! You have fallen into our trap. Even as you fight here, Gungnakh and the rest of the army are probably plundering Gondamon! HAHAHAH."   -"Ok, well, we're still going to kill you."   -As the goblin slowly comes to the realizatoin that he has overlooked this crucial and obvious flaw in his plan, his facial expression changes from triumph to terror. He scratches his head nervously and looks side to side, then bolts off towards the woods leaving the rest of his troops to be murdered without him.   -But he never reaches the woods, because Isengriff picks up a fallen goblin's spear and throws it like a javelin directly into his neck. He falls to the ground gurgling in agony as blood spurts from his wound. The rest of the goblins attempt to surrender, but their surrender is not accepted.   -As the last goblin falls to the ground dead, Isengriff turns in a circle to see if there are any other stragglers. He doesn't notice any, but he does see something strange in the sky off in the distance. It looks like smoke. He turns to Lindonrow and says: "Hey, there's probably more gobbies at Gondamon."   -"Yeah...we should probably go help Lanky."   -They leave the goblin camp and head back to where Lanky left them before, following his path to Gondamon. The city is ablaze, the gates knocked down and screams coming from inside as the gobbies run rampant among the inhabitants. Isengriff and Lindonrow head inside and start killing goblins, taking them by complete surprise as they had thought this sector of the city was secure. The gobbies soon realize the danger and mount a defense, not that it does any good.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow walk through the city leisurely shouting Lanky's name. Goblins continue to run at them but they barely pay them any mind, focused as they are on finding their erstwhile companion.   -Then, they hear a human voice off in the distance. They can't tell who it is but figure they might as well check it out, so they head towards it. They find the source to be a stone building surrounded by goblins. It looks like there are a few human and elf survivors holding out against the swarm so they wade into the goblins, pushing them out of the way and ignoring their feeble attempts to hurt them. Finally they reach the doors and push through the bewildered human defenders until they find Lanky sitting on the floor with a bandage around his leg. He looks up as they approach and starts in surprise. "How did you guys get here? You weren't here when we fell back to this building", he says.   -Lindonrow turns his hand dismissively and says: "Oh, we just sort of walked in."   -"But...this place is surrounded by hundreds of goblins! How'd you get past them?"   -"Dude, they're gobbies. We just fuckin' pushed them out of our way it's no big deal."   -Lanky shakes his head in wonder. "You two are very strange.", he says, "At any rate, could go help defend the building? You two are the best fighters I've ever seen, maybe you could turn this around, somehow."   -He goes back to tending his wound as Isengriff and Lindonrow head back to the door, weapons drawn. Isengriff lays his hand on the shoulder of one of the soldiers and says: "Get back, kid." to the bewildered man.   -The guards step back confusedly, not understanding who these two newcomers are but also tired of fighting and willing to accept an order that means they can get a breather.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow turn the goblins into mincemeat. The area in front of the door quickly becomes a meatgrinder as they lay about themselves with their weapons, killing dozens of goblins in less than a minute. The remaining gobbies start to inch back in fear, then begin to flee in earnest as Isengriff and Lindonrow step out through the doorway and begin coming after them.   -A loud goblin horn sounds from nearby. Isengriff and Lindonrow turn quickly to see a procession of relatively well equipped goblins coming down the street. At their head is Gungnakh, who looks exceptionally angry.   -He approaches them (at a safe distance) and shouts: "You!"   -Lindonrow points at himself and shouts back: "Us!"   -Gungnakh seems a little flustered by this response, probably having expected something a bit more dramatic. Still, he forges ahead: "You killed my family!"   -"You wouldn't be the first, man."   -"Well...I will be the last!"   -"I mean, I doubt that."   -"DIE!"   -Gungnakh runs at them with his weapon drawn. Yawning, Isengriff puts his sword back in its sheathe and kicks Gungnakh full in the chest as soon as he is within range. The goblin chieftain flies through the air, hitting a nearby building and smashing a small hole through the crumbling stone wall. His followers flee in terror.   -As the human survivors come out of their shelter to push the remaining goblins out of their city, Isengriff and Lindonrow walk over to Gungnakh, who is feebly trying to get up from where he fell. Lindonrow leans down and pushes him back to the ground with one hand and says: "I warned you man" before grabbing his neck and twisting it hard. Gungnakh stops moving.   -Lindonrow stands back up and high-fives Isengriff. They look out over the burned city and its many corpses, both man and goblin. Finally, Isengriff says: "We did it. We saved the city", and they high five again.   -Lanky comes up to them and says: "The day is won, at high cost."   -"Didn't cost me anything," Lindonrow replies.   -"Many have died."   -"True. Hey, we need to talk to some elves."   -Lank looks down sadly and says: "All the elves in the city were killed during the attack. If you had been faster to arrive…"   -"Hey," Isengriff says, squinting in suspicion, "are you questioning our methods?"   -"No…never mind, it matters not. If you wish to find elves, you must go to Duillond, down the west road. That is their only other nearby settlement. If you could say here for a short time, though…there are many wounded here, we could use your help."   -"Nah. Do you have any horses?"   -"Ok, can we take those?"   -"I'm afraid not, we will need them to weather the coming winter. There are ma…"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow don't hear anything else, because they have already walked over to the stables and stolen two horses. Lanky stops talking and shakes his head in disappointment and confusion as they ride out through the gates.   -They go along the west road until they come to a small mountainside settlement built into a gentle cliffside. The architectural style is completely different from that of Thorin's Hall of Gondamon, the hard dwarven stone edges replaced by gracile curved walls made from some sort of light colored wood decorated with hundreds of small carvings of leaves and flowers. In a way, it looks more like an art display rather than a settlement, but the dozens of tall figures going about their days within show that it is indeed a legitimate town.   -Isengriff walks up to the first elf he sees, who turns towards them and says: "Gi suilon!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow stop short and pause, confused. The elf continues: "Pedin i phith in aníron, a nin ú-cheniathog!"   -Isengriff replies: "Speak English!"   -"Man esselya English?"   -"The language I am speaking!"   -"Oh, you mean Westron," the elf says in perfect English, "why didn't you just say so? Well met travelers, what brings you to our dwelling?"   -"We're looking for a guy called Sauron. I heard he lived in, uh… Morbor? Nordor? Something like that…"   -The elf looks at them in horror and says: "Do not darken this place by speaking that name! Why would you seek the Dark Lord?"   -"Well," says Lindonrow, "he seemed like the biggest badass around here, so we were gonna kill him."   -"A noble effort, but none among the Children of Illuvatar in these days could hope to succeed in such an effort. The Dark Lord's reach has grown long… I fear our people may soon have to flee across the sea to Valinor."   -"Yeah yeah, we've heard it all before. How do we find him, anyway?"   -"If you wish to fight the Dark Lord, you ought to go to Rivendell. We just recently received word that Lord Elrond has called for a council there of all the free-peoples to determine what action should be taken in the war with Mordor. It will be held in one month's time."   -"Where is this Rivendell?"   -"It is nestled within a hidden valley on the western slopes of the Misty Mountains."   -"Where are the Misty Mountains?"   -"…"   -"…"   -"…"   -"What?" asks Lindonrow in confusion as the awkward silence stretches on.   "Well…the Misty Mountains are quite a large and well known range. How is it that you don't know where they are?"   -"We skipped that day in class!"   -"Hmmm… I see."   -The elf doesn't seem convinced, but he shows them where Rivendell and the Misty Mountains are on their map and they head on their way.   -As they leave Duillond, Lindonrow looks down at his map and says: "Looks like we've got to go west, through a place called 'The Shire'. Weird name for a country, eh?"   -"Yeah."   -They head out of the hills of Ered Luin and into the rolling hills of the western Shire.   ------------------------   -As they walk down the road, they can feel the air begin to warm slightly- from chilly cold to a nice, cool clime with soft breezes and a warm, clear sky. Violin music swells somewhere in the distance, a merry tune that fills them with a sense of peace and country charm. Oddly, the music doesn't get any louder or quieter as they move, maintaining the exact same volume and direction regardless. As this is hardly the strangest thing they've seen in their long lives and they are too focused on admiring the beautiful green hills of the Shire, they don't pay it much mind.   -They soon come to a settlement. The houses are extremely odd, not even really houses at all but basically holes dug into the sides of hills. Not nasty, dirty, wet holes filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, not yet dry, bare, sandy holes with nothing in them to sit down on or eat. These were hobbit-holes, and those mean comfort.   -In front of one of the hobbit-holes is a rocking chair, and in it is sitting a child smoking a pipe and rocking back and forth merrily. As they pass, he waves at them in friendly greeting. Lindonrow, feeling calmer than normal, responds: "Hello there, young man!"   -"I'm 97!"   -Confused, Lindonrow responds: "Huh?"   -"I'm 97!"   -"But you look like a child!"   -"Well, there's no call to be rude! I'm a hobbit, this is how we look!"   -"Oh."   -"You want a tater?"   -"A what?"   -"A tater! We've got the finest in Middle-Earth, here in the Shire."   -He pulls two potatoes out of his pocket and hands one to each of them. Isengriff, confused, takes a bite out of his tater and says: "This…this is amazing! Best potato I've ever eaten!"   -The hobbit chuckles good naturedly and says: "You silly tallfolk, you don't eat taters raw!"   -"How do you eat them, then?" says Lindonrow.   -"Mash 'em, boil 'em, or stick 'em in a stew!"   -"Fascinating," says Isengriff, still entranced by the deliciousness of the tater, "can you teach us how to do it?"   -"Well of course! I'm always happy to teach the young folk the art of cooking! Come on in! The name's Pasco Grubb, by the way."   -He opens the door to his hole and ushers them in. It has a homey feel that gives them a sense of comfort even as they have to bend over to fit under the hobbit-high ceiling. Pasco leads them to a small but well stocked kitchen and opens up the larder to reveal a whole bundle of taters (among other things) which he puts on the counter with a thunk. He begins explaining the art of mashing a tater, then proceeds to pull out a hammer and smash the tuber repeatedly until it is a white and brown mush. That done, he lights the stove and puts the taters on to boil in a pot.   -As the taters cook, they have a lively conversation. For some reason, Isengriff and Lindonrow feel compelled to drop their usually brash and arrogant personas and actually talk like normal functioning human beings. Perhaps it is the smell of potatoes, or the comfortable environment, or the company, or some combination, but they feel a sense of peace wash over them like they haven't felt since before the first left the Isle of Nex all those years ago.   -Finally, the taters are finished and Pasco serves everyone a hefty helping. Isengriff and Lindonrow eat their taters greedily and beg for seconds, which they are gladly given by the proud chef. Once they are done, they sit in companionable silence for a while. Isengriff finds himself staring out the window at the beautiful rolling hills of the shire and listening to the strange, sourceless music. He sighs heavily and says: "Lindonrow."   -"What, Isengriff?"   -"I…I think I realize something."   -"What's that?"   -"I've been wasting my life on violence and anger, never allowing myself to settle down for even a moment and feel the peace and joy that comes from a regular life."   -"I…I feel that too. Something about this land, it has opened my eyes to the emptiness of our lifestyle and the inevitable pain it causes those around us."   -"Exactly! I think I'm ready to settle down… what do you say?"   -"Let's do it."   -----   -A few days later, they are standing in front of their newly purchased hobbit hole with Pasco, who pats Lindonrow on the thigh and says: "There you go, it's all yours!"   -"Thanks for your help, Pasco," Lindonrow replies, "you're a true friend."   -"Ah, it's nothing. Anyone who can appreciate a tater like you guys deserves to live in the Shire! Well, I better get going, the taters don't cook themselves."   -"See you later."   -Pasco leaves and they enter their new home. It's way too short for them, but they hardly even notice that over the feeling of peace that the Shire inspires in them.   -After they've explored their house, they go out for a walk around their new hometown of Hobbiton. Their first stop is the grocers, where they buy a bundle of potatoes with the last of the gold Pasco loaned them. Lindonrow briefly wonders whether they should be concerned about money, but then remembers how friendly the Shirefolk are and knows that they have a social safety net that will protect them.   -After this, they go to the old millers and hiss at Ted Sandyman, their most hated neighbor. Once they've asserted their hatred, they go sit in a patch of flowers and take a nap in the sunshine for a few hours.   -They awaken gently from their slumber and head back home, greeting all their neighbors cheerily on the way (except Ted, who they hiss at again).   -They cook up some taters using the methods bequeathed to them by Pasco and turn in for the night.   -They awaken only a few hours later to the sounds of screaming and the smell of burning. Immediately, they grab their weapons from where they lay discarded on the floor and run outside to see what is going on.   -Through the darkness and the smoke they can see little, but it doesn't take perfect sight to see that Hobbiton is under attack. As they stumble out into the darkness, Lindonrow trips over a dead hobbit who lies hewn by many axes right on their doorstep. For the first time in many years, he feels disgust and sorrow at the sight of a dead person.   -isengriff helps him up and they run off looking for whoever is attacking. They hear a clash of swords up ahead and stumble into someone's garden, where they see their incredibly old hobbit neighbor Gammer Took fending off three large men with a sword. Despite her age, she moves with incredibly agility. Even so, she is clearly outmatched, so Isengriff and Lindonrow help her out by dispatching the three humans from behind.   -The granny looks at them and says: "Ooh, thank you laddies."   -"It's no trouble, Gammer," says Lindonrow, "what's going on here?"   -"I don't rightly know… we haven't seen bandits in the Shire for generations! What's the world coming to, I wonder?"   -"Don't worry, we'll take care of it. You stay here, keep safe."   -Gammer Took shakes her sword at them like a cane and says: "Now you younguns aren't gonna tell me what to do! I may be old, but I can still fight, you better believe it! I'm no-"   -Not wanting to waste time, Isengriff says: "Fine, fine! Come on!"   -They head down the road into central Hobbiton, killing a few bandits on the way there. In the town square, only a few hobbits remain, most having fled or died. At least two dozen bandits are fighting the defenders as well as setting fire to anything they can get their hands on. At the head of the defenders is a strange looking hobbit, well over five feet tall and far more muscular. Isengriff almost assumes it’s a human, but he has the hairy feet and curly hair of a hobbit.   -The mystery hobbit cuts down a bandit, yelling: "For the Shire!" and charges forward, followed by the other defenders. Isengriff, Lindonrow, and Gammer Took join the fray.   -A hard battle ensues and many die on both sides, but eventually Lindonrow cuts down a bandit only to see that there are no more in the square. He looks around to see that the defenders have suffered as well- only Gammer Took, the mystery hobbit, and their other neighbor Wally are still standing apart from him and Isengriff.   -Isengriff turns to the large hobbit and says: "Who are you? I've never seen you around before."   -"The name is Stevegin Rogerfoot, but you can call me Captain Shire," he replies, "I am the head of Hobbiton special forces, commissioned by Mayor Whitfoot a few years back."   -"That's pretty badass… why are you so big?"   -"They put special tater growth hormones in my food to make me stronger."   -"I see. What do we do now? Why were those bandits attacking?"   -Before Captain Shire can respond, they hear an explosion nearby. Wally shouts: "That sounded like it came from the tater fields!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow shout: "NO!" with one voice and book it towards the fields. Their three companions follow quickly behind.   -They reach the fields to find them totally ablaze, set alight by some devilry. Next to the flames is another group of bandits 15 strong. Isengriff and Lindonrow charge at them in a blood rage, killing two of them immediately. One of them, the leader, takes a step back as they continue to fight and laughs, saying: "Poor fools! Your taters belong to the Dark Lord Sauron now! The Red Eye sees all!"   -Joined soon by their three hobbit companions, Isengriff and Lindonrow attack the bandits. As they are cutting them down, Gammer Took suddenly suffers from a fatal heart attack and dies. Wally attempts to pick her up and drag her from the scene, but is stabbed in the back by a bandit and dies as well. Isengriff and Lindonrow scream in horror as their friends die, but continue to fight, eventually putting down the bandit chief with the help of Captain Shire.   -As the flames die down, Isengriff kneels down amidst the ashes of the taters. To his shock, he finds one still alive and clutches it to his chest, weeping. Lindonrow kneels down next to him and takes a long look around them. Finally, he says: "There's nothing left for us here."   -"Nothing of value… Sauron took our taters from us. He took Gammer Took and Wally from us. I know we were gonna kill him anyway, but now… IT'S PERSONAL."   -Captain Shire comes up next to them and says: "You're going to kill the one responsible for this?"   -"That's the plan, man."   -"I'd join you, if you allow it. I also wish to avenge this attack on my country."   -"Yeah, you can come with, Cap," Isengriff says as he pockets the tater and stands up.   -They get their horses from their house and leave the Shire that very day along the eastern road. As their forms dwindle in the distance, a random hobbit villager says: "They know there's other tater fields, right?"   -Another villager shrugs his shoulders and they drop the subject.   -They talk as they ride their horses down the road, and as they reach the edges of the Shire Isengriff asks Captain Shire: "So cap, anything interesting in these parts? We're not from around here, you see…"   -"Well," he replies slowly, "I can't say I know much about the lands beyond the Shire. We shirefolk don't usually leave…the only places I know of nearby are the Old Forest and Bree."   -"The Old Forest? What's that?"   -Captain Shire shivers and says: "It's best not to talk about it. The forest is a dangerous place."   -"That sounds badass, you gotta tell us more."   -"Well… alright. Its said that the trees in the old forest can think, and they have a hatred of all that moves on two legs."   -"That doesn't sound so bad."   -"That's not the worst of it. They say there is something in the forest… something evil. No one knows exactly what it is, but anyone who goes too close to the forest can feel it."   -"Sounds interesting. Let's go there."   -"Are you crazy? It's dangerous! And not even on the way to Rivendell, either!"   -"Trust me cap, there's nothing in that forest more dangerous than us, and we can take a little detour without losing too much time."   -Captain Shire continues to object but no one is convinced and eventually he finds himself following Isengriff and Lindonrow to the Old Forest.   -The forest is surrounded by a high hedge, but the trees are even taller so they can see the branches overhead. As promised they look… menacing. More menacing than your average tree, anyway. They grow quite thickly and seem to lean out over the hedge, almost as if they are straining against the barrier like prison gates. They can all feel a sense of menace as they approach the hedge. Captain Shire tries to turn back, but Lindonrow grabs him, saying: "Don't worry, captain."   -They look at the trees for a second then start looking for an opening in the hedge, as soon as they find one, Isengriff rides his horse straight into the forest . Lindonrow pushes Captain Shire after him then goes in himself.   -On the other side it's almost completely dark despite the time of day, with only a few lines of light shining through the trees. To their surprise, they aren't alone. Standing right in front of them is a hobbit with a small, blood-covered knife standing over the corpse of a human man.   -For a moment everyone is quiet, then Isengriff says: "Uh, what you got there bud?"   -The hobbit looks at the knife in his hand and replies: "He tripped and fell on this."   -"Ok…why did you pick it up then?"   -"I was going to try and staunch the bleeding. But he's dead."   -"Right…"   -Suddenly, Lindonrow points off to the left where there is a burnt down house that they had not noticed previously, and says: "Well ok but what's that ?"   -"Spontaneous combustion?"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow think about it for a few seconds. Finally, Lindonrow says: "Well, your story checks out. Carry on… what's your name?"   -"Rollo Maggot."   -"Carry on then, Mr. Maggot."   -They leave Rollo to dispose of the evidence and head deeper into the forest. They come to a small river and cross it at the spot where an old willow tree grows. They feel a sense of anger from the willow stronger than that of any other tree in the forest, but it doesn't bother them and they continue on.   -Soon after crossing the river, they arrive at a clearing. At the center of the clearing is a large house with smoke coming out of the chimney. As soon as they come within sight of it, Isengriff and Lindonrow buckle over in mental agony as they feel an intensely malicious presence emanating from within the house. They recover their senses after a moment and dismount their horses to walk towards the house, compelled by whatever dwells within. Captain Shire follows, not feeling any of this and feeling deeply confused and worried.   -Lindonrow opens the door of the house slowly and they go inside.   -Sitting at the hearth is a short man in a bright blue shirt wearing a pointy cap with a feather in it. He turns towards them slowly as they enter and looks at Captain Shire. With a flick of his wrist, he says: "You are nothing. Leave us." and Captain Shire falls to the ground, unconscious.   -The mystery man turns towards Isengriff and Lindonrow and says: "Hey do, merry do, me hearties! What brings you to my home?"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow, caught in the grip of the evil before them, register all of this as only a fugue, unable to fully understand what is going on. The man continues: "Not the talking types, eh? Well, you're welcome to stay at old Tom Bombadil's house for as long as you like! Please, sit down with me."   -They sit down with him without thinking about it. Finally, Lindonrow feels the presence ease up slightly and he is able to say: "Wh…what are you?"   -"Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow! Bright blue his jacket is and his boots are yellow! None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the Master. His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster!"   -"Y…you…" the presence tightens again, and he can say no more. Tom Bombadil laughs merrily and says: "Say, you boys seem like you would make good musicians! Have you ever considered going into the music industry?"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow say nothing. Tom Bombadil fixes them with an intense stare, then suddenly unhinges his jaw and screeches so loudly that they fall unconscious immediately.   -Some time later, the three of them all wake up in a dark cave. Isengriff sits up and says: "Wh…what happened?"   -"I don't know," Lindonrow replies, shaking his head, "all I remember was that we walked into that house… then we woke up here!"   -Captain Shire groans, clearly even more effected by their experience and remembering even less of it than the two of them. The three of them get up and look around. They appear to be in a catacomb of some kind- ancient sarcophagi line the walls and based on the dust and cobwebs it is clear that no one has walked these halls for some time. Still confused as to how they came to be here in the first place, they determine that they must find a way out.   -Isengriff takes a mysteriously lit torch from its sconce and they set off through the tunnels. As they are walking, they hear something nearby. It sounds like someone… singing. As they continue, it gets louder: "Hey do! Merry do! Ring a dong dillo!"   -They try to ignore the nonsense singing but it keeps growing louder until they can hear it ringing in their ears. Suddenly, something wiggles out of a hole in the ceiling and leaps at Captain Shire with a: "Hey do!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow look on helplessly as it bears him to the ground. Now visible, they can see that the creature is humanoid, although it is extremely pale and emaciated. Worst of all, however, is the fact that its eyes are completely gone with only empty, bloody sockets remaining. The red blood and black depths of its sockets create a disturbing contrast with its pale skin.   -Without missing a beat, the strange creature leans down and noisily vomits some sort of black, tar-like substance all over Captain Shire, then jumps back into the shadows and stands completely still, only barely within sight.   -As soon as the tar-vomit hits his face, Captain Shire begins screaming in agony and yelling: "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"   -Thinking quickly, Isengriff says: "Roll on the ground to get it off!"   -Captain Shire drops to the ground and begins to roll, but this only causes him to rip his own skin off when the tar sticks to the ground. He screams in pain and stops rolling as the acid-tar-vomit continues to eat away at him.   -Lindonrow tries to scrape some off with his sword but it doesn't do much, so finally Isengriff says: "I know!" and lights Captain Shire on fire with his torch.   -immediately, the tar ignites into flame and burns away. Lindonrow yells: "Now try and roll!"   -Captain Shire starts to roll around weakly, slowly but surely putting out the flames. He keeps rolling a bit even after the fire is extinguished, then stops moving with a sigh and lays there as if dead. For a minute, Isengriff and Lindonrow think he might actually have died, but when Isengriff kicks him to check he starts to scream in agony, so they know he's alive.   -They hear a cough off to the side and turn to see the creature that vomited on Captain Shire standing there expectantly. Lindonrow apologizes and cuts its head off. Isengriff picks up Captain Shire (ignoring the screams of pain) and hefts him over his shoulder to carry him out.   -As they walk, Isengriff says: "Well, that was weird. What do you think that was?"   -"I'm not sure," replies Lindonrow, "just another inhabitant of this strange world, I suppose."   -"Yeah. Weird that it just waited for us to kill it though."   -They keep wandering through the catacombs until finally, they spot sunlight up ahead. They come out into a foggy field studded with small, perfectly round hills, probably burial mounds.   -The place is curious, but they are able to find their way out without any further difficulties and get back on the road. They continue to head east until they reach a large walled town. The gate is closed, so Isengriff raps on it loudly. A small slot at around eye-level opens revealing a guard on the other side, who says: "Who goes there?"   -"I am Isengriff, this is Lindonrow. We're looking for somewhere to stay."   -The guard eyes them up and says: "You look like trouble… we'll not be having any of that in Bree!"   -"We don't want any trouble, we just want somewhere to put our friend here. He's wounded, you see, and needs rest."   -Begrudgingly, the guard opens up the gate for them and they head through into Bree. As they are passing him, the guard says: "If your lookin' for some place to stay, I'd suggest the Prancing Pony. Barliman Butterbur's the owner, and a finer ale you'll never find west of the mountains."   -They head over to this Prancing Pony and head inside. The common room is loud, dark, and smells like food and alcohol- about what you'd expect from any good inn. They head up to the counter where stands an impressively fat man in an apron, who says: "Why hello there! What can I do for you and your… friend, there." with a confused look at the smoking body of Captain Shire draped over Isengriff's shoulder.   -"I will take one ale, fat one," says Isengriff.   -"Well," Barliman huffs, "there's no call to be rude!"   -"What? I was just making a statement."   -Barliman gives him a dark look and turns to Lindonrow, who also orders a single ale as well as a room for the night. They pay with some stolen gold from the catacombs.   -They drop Captain Shire off at their room, dumping him on the bed and stifling his screams with a pillow, then head down into the common room to enjoy their ales before turning in for the night.   -As they are drinking, Isengriff feels the telltale prickle on the back of his neck warning him that someone is watching them. He looks around the room and notices a man in a green and brown cloak with his face obscured by a mask, staring at them intently. He pulls over one of the servants, a hobbit named Nob, and says: "Who is that man watching us?"   -Nob looks at the mystery man and says: "I don't rightly know. He's one of the wandering folk- Rangers, we call them. They're strange folk. They w-"   -"Oooh! A ranger, like Lanky!" Isengriff interjects, cutting Nob off.   "Oh. You know about rangers?" Nob says in a disappointed tone of voice.   -"Yeah, Lanky was pretty cool."   -"Well," Lindonrow says, "he was a bit of a killjoy."   -"Yeah, but I mean, he wasn't that bad!"   -They ignore Nob and immediately walk over to the ranger and sit next to him. The man looks alarmed, so Isengriff says: "Don't worry man, we're cool."   -The ranger calms slightly and says: "I've been looking for you."   -"Why?"   -"I heard that you stole two horses from one of my kinsmen."   -"Oh," says Lindonrow, "well, we did borrow some horses from Lanky, if that's what your talking about."   -"Borrowed? Well, if you could give them back then there is no trouble."   -"Um… well, we don't have them any more."   -"What happened to them?"   -"They died."   -"You killed them?"   -"Well, no. More accurately we abandoned them in a place where they were extremely unlikely to survive for very long. But yeah, they're super dead."   -"You realize I'm gonna have to take you in, right?"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow break out laughing. Once they recover, Isengriff says: "You are going to take us to prison? Come on man, let's be serious here!"   -"You are clearly criminals, and you must pay for your crimes."   -"Dude," Lindonrow says, "why are you such a buzzkill? Lanky was way cooler than you."   -"Lanky was the one who warned us about you two. He wanted you brought in as well."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow gasp in horror and Lindonrow bursts out: "Lanky was a snitch? Damn!"   -"I thought he was cool," Isengriff replies, "I guess you can't trust anybody these days. Where would you even keep us… whatever your name is? You're not with the Bree guards."   -"My name is Stroller, and we would keep you in Rivendell. Lord Elrond allows my kinsmen a small space for such a purpose, when necessary."   -"Oh. Well you're in luck Stroller, because we were on our way to Rivendell ourselves."   -"Well… it doesn't matter, because you are coming with me regardless!"   -"No need to get mad about it. Hey, you can stay in our rooms tonight!"   -Stroller seems confused and conflicted. After a moment, he says: "Fine. But remember, you're my prisoners."   -"Agree to disagree!" responds Lindonrow, and they head up to their rooms.   -They find Captain Shire lying there, biting on his pillow in agony. Stroller immediately runs up to him and exclaims: "What happened to this man? What did you DO?"   -Thinking quickly, Lindonrow says: "He stole the horses from us!"   -Stroller turns towards them and says: "I thought you left the horses behind?"   -"No, he stole them."   -"Then where are they now?"   -"They burned to death."   -"HOW?"   -"Spontaneous combustion."   -"…and how did this guy get burned?"   -"The horse kicked him."   -"It kicked him?"   -"Yeah, while it was on fire it kicked him."   -"So you're telling me, that this man just came up to you and tried to steal your horses, then the horses lit on fire suddenly and kicked him, causing him to get extreme burns across half his body? And then you carried him all the way to this inn for… some reason?"   -"Yep. That sounds about right."   -Stroller puts his hand to his head and slides to the ground, struggling to parse all this outlandish information. Finally, he says: "Well, regardless of what he may or may not have done, we must get him medical aid. He will almost certainly die otherwise."   -"Whaat? Captain Shire won't die of some weak-ass burns," Isengriff says, "he's tough as hell!"   -Captain Shire screams incoherently.   -"No," Stroller responds, "his wounds could already be infected by now. I doubt anyone closer than Rivendell could heal him, but my people do have a small outpost near Bree where we can at least attempt to stabilize him. We should go there immediately."   -Lindonrow yawns loudly, and Isengriff says: "Well, we already paid for the inn room, so it's going to have to wait until tomorrow."   -"He could die by then!"   -"Doubt it."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow flop onto the floor and fall asleep immediately. Left with little choice, Stroller does the same.   -The next morning, Isengriff and Lindonrow go downstairs and have some more ale, despite the time of day and the fact that Captain Shire is probably dying. Once they are done, they agree to go with Stroller to this outpost he was talking about, so they head out with Captain Shire once more over Isengriff's shoulder.   -Stroller leads them about a mile outside the town, to a small grove of trees. Once they get closer, Isengriff and Lindonrow note a number of men dressed similarly to Stroller hiding amongst the greenery and wave at them casually. The rangers seem confused.   -Eventually, one of the rangers comes out and speaks to Stroller quietly, then they are led into the trees and to a small tent. Inside the tent are a number of different herbs and vaguely medicinal looking utensils, as well as a couple of sleeping mats. Isengriff lays Captain Shire down on one and they wait for the doctor.   -He arrives before long, although there is nothing to indicate that he is any more medically trained than any of the other rangers. He examines Captain Shire for a moment, then says: "What in Eru's name happened to this man?"   -"Kicked by a horse!" replies Lindonrow.   -"He has burns!"   -"It was on fire."   -"It looks like there are acid burns here, and his skin has been torn completely off in a few patches!"   -"It's complicated. Can you heal him, doc?"   -"My name's not Doc, and no, I can't. I can give him some herbs that should keep him going for a while, but you need elven medicine for this. It will take all I have just to get him fit enough to make the journey to Rivendell."   -"Great… how long will that take?"   -"It will take about an hour to do the basic treatments, but he will need at least two days rest before he is fit to travel."   -"Yeah," Isengriff replies, "that's not going to work out for us. Give him the basic treatment, and we'll go."   -"I can't do that…"   -"Why?"   -"It's not ethical to let him leave here while he is still so ill!"   -"Don't worry, Captain Shire is tough. Now get going, we don't have all day."   -The ranger glances at Stroller, who shrugs his shoulders impotently. Sighing, the doctor goes about his work. Once he is done, Isengriff picks up Captain Shire (causing him to scream in pain again) and they get back on the road.   -East of Bree the land begins to dry out and they enter a region of dry shrubs and scattered trees. Stroller explains that these lands are known as the "Lone-Lands" for few people live this far east, at least until you reach Rivendell and the Misty Mountains.   -Suddenly, as they are passing between two small hills, someone pops up over the ridge to their left and leaps at them, yelling in a savage voice. It goes for Isengriff, who sees it coming from a mile away and slaps it out of the air with the flat of his sword, causing it to fall to the ground on its head with a crack.   -Isengriff flips the creature over on its back. It looks like some sort of goblin, but bigger, almost man sized. It is wearing a helmet with a white hand emblazoned on it. Stroller comes over as well and says: "Strange…"   -"What," says Lindonrow, "just looks like a big goblin."   -"Wild goblins aren't this large, generally speaking, nor this well equipped. This is an orc, a creature of the Enemy."   -"I thought goblins were creatures of the enemy."   -"They are, but they often go out into the wilds and live on their own. Such creatures are not directly in service to the enemy, even if they often serve his ends with the chaos they propagate. Orcs like this are of a similar stock, but they generally serve the dark one directly as soldiers. It is rare to find them so far west, except for in the ruins of Angmar. And stranger still, this one bears a symbol I have never seen before on an orc. Sauron's orcs bear a red eye, or the moon of Minas Morgul. Not a white hand. Very strange."   -"Well," Isengriff says, "whoever this white hand guy is, I hope he knows that the whole 'hand' thing is my symbol, so he better knock it off."   -"What?"   -"My family's symbol is the Black Hand. They call me the Black Hand. So this white hand fucker is clearly trying to steal our thing."   -"It's true," says Lindonrow.   -They continue on the road. As they are walking, Stroller says: "We are coming up on the Forsaken Inn, the last sign of civilization this side of Ost Guruth. We should stop there for the night, and get Captain Shire some rest."   -Never ones to balk at stopping for ale, Isengriff and Lindonrow agree. They reach the Inn about an hour later and are sorely disappointed. Based simply on external appearances, it may be in the top ten worst inns they've ever seen. It stands alone among the heath, with only a few vagrants hanging around outside indicating it is anything other than a ruin like some of the others they've passed since leaving Bree. Part of the roof is even caved in, and looks like it has been that way for quite some time without anyone bothering to repair it. Still, the lights are on inside and Stroller insists that they can get a room there, so they head inside.   -The common room is nearly empty, just a few drunks, an old servant, and the sad looking proprietor standing behind the bar. They go up to him and he introduces himself as Anlaf, then says: "You want rooms?"   -"Yes," says Stroller, "just for one night."   -"Alright," he sighs dramatically, "but I should warn you, you won't get much sleep around here."   -"Why not?"   -"There's a shrieking sound, comes up from the basement every night. No one wants to go down there and see what's causing it. Been driving away customers…"   -"Oh. Well, I guess we'll ju-"   -Isengriff cuts Stroller of by saying: "There's a shrieking sound coming from the basement? That's weird. What'll you give us if we take care of it?"   -"I don't have much gold these days… I guess I could give you free ales, on the house."   -"Make it ten ales, each."   -"Fine, fine. Just so long as you take care of that terrible screeching…"   -Isengriff dumps Captain Shire on the bar and says: "Hold this for me until we get back."   -They head down into the basement. To their surprise, at the bottom of the staircase the walls give way to a natural cavern. On the other side is a strange door covered in glowing blue runes, and a man standing in front of it looking frustrated.   -They come behind the man, who turns suddenly and says: "Oh, hello there. Who are you?"   -They introduce themselves, and Lindonrow says: "Who are you?"   -"My name's Umum. I, uh… got lost down here. Say, do you know how to open this door?"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow look at the runes, but they can't make anything of them. Stroller pushes them aside and says: "It reads, 'Speak friend, and enter'. Must be some kind of a riddle."   -Immediately, Isengriff and Lindonrow give up on trying to open the door and go over to the other side of the room, where they pick up a large boulder. With a heave, they toss it at the riddle door, smashing it open.   -On the other side of the door, the cave continues downwards. So far, they don't hear any screaming so they head down to investigate. Umum follows them, a fact which no one bothers to comment on.   -Soon, the natural cave walls transition into catacombs. Frustrated that they keep running into these things, Isengriff yells: "What's with all the catacombs?"   -"These are tombs of my people," Stroller says somberly, "many years ago, these lands were part of the Kingdom of Arnor, but then darkness came into the north, and the Kingdom of Angmar attacked us. It was a long and brutal war, and we were forced to make many tombs such as this. In the end, Arnor was defeated, but Angmar did not long outlast us, for Gondor and the elves retaliated, destroying them. Now, only the rangers and other scattered remnants remain of the Arno…what are you doing?!"   -He gestures angrily at Isengriff and Lindonrow, who have been ignoring him and rifling through the burial urns for old coins. They were in the process of pushing one of the sarcophagi lids off when he noticed them. They try to look innocent, but a coin falls out of Lindonrow's pocket. Stroller, incensed, yells: "Stop that!"   -"What," says Lindonrow, "they weren't using them!"   -"You disgust me."   -They head deeper into the catacombs. Suddenly, the floor underneath them falls through and they all fall into an underground river, which sweeps them down until they emerge into a subterranean lake. Oddly, it is lit up and they can see that there is a large sailing ship sitting at anchor in the middle.   -Lindonrow gets to shore first and says: "What the fuck kind of basement is this? Caves, tombs, and now a boat? How did this thing even get here?"   -No one has a good answer to that question, but there is a gangplank leading from the shore to the ship so they go on board to check it out.   -As they step foot on the boat, Umum shouts: "You fools! Prepare to die!"   -"What?" Isengriff asks incredulously.   -"Once word gets out about this place, Anlaf will be out of business! Finally, my biggest competitor will be gone, and everyone will have to go to my inn!"   -"You're an inn proprietor? Why are you even down here? None of this makes any sense, this is stupid as hell!"   -Umum laughs evilly, but Isengriff just runs him through and dumps his corpse overboard. They head back up to the inn to tell Anlaf what they found.   -As soon as they enter the common room, Lindonrow shouts: "Well, bad news. The inn's haunted."   -Surprisingly, Anlaf doesn't get mad at him for exclaiming this for all to hear. Instead, he ushers them over and asks for an explanation, which Lindonrow gives by saying: "Well, you're inn's built on top of an ancient Arnorian burial ground and is haunted as shit, so yeah."   -Anlaf claps his hands together in delight and says: "This is going to be great! I can rename the place to 'The Haunted Inn'. People will come from all over to see that shit, how many haunted inns are there?!"   -Stroller makes a strangled sound and says: "You're going to defile a tomb… for money?"   -"Yep!"   -"That's awful!"   -"Shut up," Isengriff interjects, "that's a great idea! Now where are our free ales. And what did you do with Captain Shire?"   -Anlaf walks over to a stack of barrels and knocks the lid off of it. Isengriff and Lindonrow peek inside to see Captain Shire curled up in a ball, moaning. "Wow," says Isengriff, "that's handy! Can I have that barrel?"   -"Sure," replies the tavernkeep, "I can buy a hundred barrels with the money I'll be raking in now!"   -Isengriff picks up the Captain Shire barrel and with Lindonrow's help attaches some leather straps to it, allowing him to carry Captain Shire around on his back like a backpack.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow drink a few rounds of free ale and they turn in for the night. The next morning they rise bright and early and hit the road once more.   -A few miles out from the inn, Lindonrow notices a large hill rising up out of the relatively flat countryside. Sitting atop it are some impressively large ruins. He points it out to Stroller, who says: "That is the watchtower of Amon Sûl. In times past it was one of the main watchtowers of my people, guarding the eastern road. Nowadays it is abandoned, and men call it 'Weathertop'."   -"I bet I could see the Shire from up there! We're going up," says Lindonrow.   -"We don't have time for sightseeing! Your 'friend' is dying in that barrel!"   -"Your opinion means nothing to me, Stroller. We're going up that hill."   -Stroller continues to object as they leave the road and start up the slope of the hill. As they are nearing the top, however, he stops complaining and sniffs the air. With a start, he says: "I smell smoke. Someone is up there."   -They proceed more cautiously, sneaking through the underbrush until they reach the rim of the hill, at which point they are able to see who has taken up residence there- orcs. A whole camp full of them. Stroller suggests urgently that they leave immediately, but once again they ignore him and instead charge into the camp swords unsheathed.   -As they are chopping up orcs, one of the tents in the camp explodes outwards, revealing a huge grey creature with a club. Stroller yells: "They brought a hill troll!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow immediately stop bothering with the orcs and attack the troll. With surprising swiftness it grabs Isengriff, but he manages to slip free. Unfortunately, the Captain Shire barrel comes off as he is doing so, and the troll immediately throws it back at him. The barrel hits a stone wall and shatters and Captain Shire flops to the ground, screaming in pain once more.   -They put down the troll with a surprising deal of effort (their weapons barely penetrate its hide) and watch as the few remaining orcs flee for their lives.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow wander about the ruins as Stroller checks on Captain Shire to make sure he's OK (relatively speaking, of course). As they wander, Isengriff says something and is surprised to hear that the place actually has really good acoustics. Something about the flat top of the mountain and the ring of broken stone surrounding it create a really good effect.   -Curious, they walk over to Stroller (still helping Captain Shire) and pull him away. Lindonrow asks: "Hey do you know if there are any music festivals held here?"   -"What is a music festival?"   -"You know, like Woodstock, or Shing Jea Music Festival, you know?"   "I don't know what you are blathering about."   -"Wow. You don't have Music Festivals in this world? That's some crazy stuff. Hey Isengriff, we should create a music festival. We can call it… Weatherstock, or something."   -"Yeah," replies Isengriff, "we could even play in it ourselves! I've been wanting to get into music ever since we went through that forest… I… I'm not sure I remember why…"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow go blank as their minds struggle to remember their experience in the Old Forest, but Tom Bombadil's grip on their minds is too strong and they soon forget about it and move back to talking about the music festival they're going to create.   -Once Captain Shire is in stable condition, Isengriff picks him up again (mumbling about the lack of barrel) and they head off the hill back to the road.   -They walk for another three days through the Lone-Lands without anything of note happening. Captain Shire's condition continues to slowly worsen, but his enhanced constitution allows him to continue living where most hobbits would have died days ago.   -On the fourth day since the Forsaken Inn, in the early afternoon, Stroller suddenly says: "We're coming up on Ost Guruth."   -"Oh," says Lindonrow, "are we going to stop there?"   -"Of course not! We can keep walking for hours yet. Besides, Ost Guruth is not a place for decent people…"   -"What do you mean?"   -"The people there… frankly, they are degenerates. It's said they are migrants from Bree, but I don't know for certain. What I do know is that they consume prodigious amounts of pipeweed. It's a sort of herb grown in the S-"   -"We know what pipeweed is. Smoked quite a bit of Old Toby back in the Shire…"   -"Right… anyway, they smoke so much of it even the Shire wouldn't have them because they disturb the peace, so they moved out here and took over one of the ancient ruins of my people, defiling it with their presence and turning it into some sort of sick joke."   -"Oh please, it's not like you guys were using it."   -"Ost Guruth was a part of our cultural heritage!"   -"Bleh, no one cares. We're going to Ost Guruth."   -They reach the ruins and despite Stroller's protestations (or, to be honest, because of them) they head inside. At the gates, they are greeted by a long-haired, middle-aged man who shakes each of their hands vigorously and says: "Welcome to Ost Guruth, friends!"   -"Hey," says Lindonrow, "our guide here thinks you guys are assholes. What's your opinion on that?"   -"Your guide?" the man says, looking Stroller up and down suspiciously. He seems to recognize his outfit, for he says: "Oh, one of those rangers again. They're all stuffy."   -"You people," says Stroller tersely, "are defiling this place with your presence!"   -"Ranger, no one was living here when we came. You just need to cool off. Seriously, have some weed."   -He pulls out a pipe and hands it to Stroller, who simply gives him a hard stare and ignores his offer. Isengriff grabs the pipe instead and lights it, then says: "So, who are you guys?"   -"We're a commune of free spirits. All we want to do is live peacefully in tune with nature, but everybody keeps trying to hold us down."   -"That's rough buddy."   -"Yeah, we had to move all the way out to this wilderness because everybody kept driving us out of our homes. First in Bree, then the Shire. Terrible. Even now there are goblins and orcs out there trying to get in here. Its lucky we found these old fortifications, otherwise we'd probably be dead!"   -"Yeah, that is lucky."   -Stroller glares at them all, but finally his sense of duty wins out over his rage and he says: "Our friend here needs help, he's on the brink of death. Do you have anybody in this place that knows medicine?"   -"You know," says the man, "it's funny you mention that. This wizard guy just showed up here a few days back. He's been staying here."   -Stroller comes to attention and says: "A wizard? Is he dressed all in grey?"   -"No, he wears brown. Says his name is Radagast."   -"Radagast the Brown is here? Why would one of the five wizards come here?"   -"Well he lives over the mountains you know. It's hard to get pipeweed out there, I guess his stores were getting low so he came to stock up."   -"Where is he now?"   -"He's staying in the Tower of Lore."   -They head over to the Tower of Lore and knock. From inside, an old man's voice yells down: "Come in!"   -They enter the tower and head up the stairs until they reach the top floor. There, standing at a table surrounded by scribbled notes and herbs, is Radagast. He barely notices them when they come in, only looking up when Stroller says: "Well met, Radagast!"   -Radagast gives him a stare and says: "Shh! I'm doing a very delicate experiment!"   -"What kind of experiment?" says Isengriff, Ignoring his request for silence.   -"I am attempting to discover if there is a way to mix pipeweed with other herbs to create a more potent strain."   -"Why is that delicate?"   -"Herbs can be extremely volatile!"   -"Oh come on, they're just plants."   -"Shut up," Stroller interrupts him, "Radagast. Our friend here needs your aid. We are attempting to get him to Rivendell to be healed, but even with the medicine of my people he is still failing quickly. I don't think he will make the trip without further aid, which only you can provide in this place."   -Radagast looks up from his herbs at Captain Shire and gives him a long, hard stare. Unfortunately, in his distraction the herb he is holding slips from his fingers and falls onto the table.   -A bright flash fills the room and everyone is thrown back. Isengriff and Lindonrow land on top of Captain Shire, cushioning their fall, but Radagast and Stroller hit the ground hard and groan in pain. It takes a few seconds for everyone to get themselves together (except Captain Shire, who just lies there in agony). Once they are all up, Radagast says: "See! I warned you, but did you listen? Noooo…"   -"Ok, ok," says Lindonrow, "Fine. Is there anything you can do for Captain Shire."   -Radagast looks him over and says: "What happened to him?"   -"According to these two," Stroller says disdainfully, "he was kicked by a burning horse, but I t-"   -"Kicked by a burning horse you say? Terrible ailment, simply terrible."   -"That… that's a real thing?"   -"Oh yes, very common in Rohan. I've seen it many times."   -"Well… what can you do for him?"   -"I can ease his pain slightly, and perhaps I can stop the spread of infection from his wounds, but you need to go to Rivendell with as much speed as possible. This place doesn't have the kind of facilities or supplies necessary to truly heal him and besides, Elrond was always better at that than me."   -"Figures. Hey, speaking of which, do you know if there are any Music Festivals around here?"   -"Uh, how are those subjects related?"   -"They aren't, I just wanna know."   -"Well, I don't have an answer. Frankly, I've never heard of this 'Music Festival' you speak of."   -"It's like a concert but a ton of bands play and it lasts like a week. Plus, everybody smokes weed and drinks shit tons of ale while we're there. It's badass."   -"Huh. That does sound pretty interesting."   -"Yeah, man. Weathertop would be the perfect place to have one. Perfect acoustics, large space, no cops. Real nice."   -"Hmmm… I'll have to look into that."   -"You," says Stroller, "are seriously considering this?"   -"Well, why not? It's just music."   -"I… I… oh, nevermind."   -"While we're talking about music," says Isengriff, "do you know where we could buy some instruments around here? We were thinking about starting our own band sort of thing."   -"Oh, yeah. Hallam Comfrey sells all sorts of instruments. He usually hangs around down in the old marketplace."   -"Sweet. Well, we're going to go do that. You guys stay here and help out Captain Shire."   -They leave the tower and go down into the marketplace, where they soon identify Hallam Comfrey by the fact that he is sitting at a market stall surrounded by musical instruments.   -They walk up to him, and Lindonrow says: "Hello, I'd like to buy a lute, do you have any?"   -"Oh, I've got lutes aplenty my good sir. What kind are you looking for?"   -"Just a normal one?"   -"I mean, do you want it made of Oak, Willow, what? And do you want the strings out of animal sinew, wire, etcetera? I have tons of options."   -"Just give me whatever one you like best, I suppose."   -"Fair enough."   -He pulls out a lute and hands it to Lindonrow, who plucks a few strings experimentally and says: "I like it. How much?"   -"Five gold pieces."   -Lindonrow hands him five stolen (and probably haunted) Arnorian gold pieces and steps back to let Isengriff make his purchase.   -"Hello, I'd like to buy a fiddle."   -Hallam pulls out a fiddle without any further questions and says: "500 gold."   -"What? You just gave him that lute for 5 gold!"   -"Fiddles are expensive."   -"Whatever."   -Isengriff dumps a pile of stolen gold on his table and they go on their way. As they are slowly walking back towards the Tower of Lore, Isengriff says: "Hey listen to this" and starts playing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" on his fiddle, missing every other note.   -Lindonrow laughs at him and says: "That was fucking terrible dude, watch this" and starts playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on his lute with about the same degree of skill.   -"That," says Isengriff, "was absolute trash. I'm way better than you at music."   -"No you fucking aren't, your song was hot garbage! You missed like every note!"   -"You take that back you bitch, my skills are leagues ahead of yours!"   -"Nope."   -"Oh yeah? Well I challenge you to a m-"   -At that moment, Stroller comes around the corner carrying Captain Shire and says: "Right, we're leaving now."   -"What?" says Isengriff in surprise.   -"We've got to go, Radagast did what he could but he says we have to get to Rivendell without any further delay if he is to survive."   -Without any particular reason to stay and their argument already forgotten, Isengriff and Lindonrow shrug their shoulders and follow along back onto the road.   -They continue on for another five days and enter into a region of dense woods that Stroller refers to as the Trollshaws. He warns them that the area is infested with trolls, so they must be careful.   -One evening, Isengriff and Lindonrow decide that they want to make camp a bit earlier, against Stroller's wishes. They leave the road and wander around for a short distance until they notice three figures standing completely still in a grove of trees. Curious, they approach only to find that the figures are three perfectly accurate troll statues.   -Stroller walks up behind them and says: "Ah, these trolls must have been caught out at daybreak."   -"What do you mean?"   -"Well, trolls cannot come out during the day. If sunlight hits them, they are turned to stone."   -"What about that troll we fought on Weathertop? That one was out during the day."   -"Well, not all trolls have this vulnerability. These statues used to be wild Stone-trolls, but that one we fought earlier was a different breed designed by the dark powers to be able to endure sunlight."   -They sit in the shadow of the three trolls and wait for nightfall. Isengriff gathers some wood and starts building a fire, to which Stroller says: "You fool, you'll bring the trolls right to us!"   -"God," he replies, "you know, you might be the actual worst person we have ever met."   -"Yeah," says Lindonrow, "and that's saying something, because we've met a ton of boring-ass losers in our time. Remember Bert?"   -"Oh god, don't remind me… actually, he might be worse. Him or that fetus we killed. Remember all those mean things it said about Koss?"   -"Fucking slanderous. Yeah, the fetus definitely had it coming."   -"What," says Stroller in horror, "are you talking about? You murdered… an unborn child?"   -"Well it wasn't murder," says Isengriff, "he attacked us first."   -"What is wrong with you?!"   -"Frankly, I was wondering what was wrong with you Stroller. I mean Jesus Christ, why couldn't you be cool like Koss… or at least like Aiman, he was kind of a stick-in-the-mud but he was cool anyway."   -"Or Zana," says Lindonrow morosely.   -"Oh great here we go with your stupid fucking daughter again…"   -"All I wanted… was to keep her safe, you know? And to make her happy…"   -"I don't care."   -"But then… that Greg guy, he killed her fiance. And then she wanted us to go away, I mean why would she do that? There's no telling what could happen to her, or her son. My grandson."   -Lindonrow begins to cry, to which Isengriff responds by saying to Stroller: "His daughter was fucking half-cat, can you believe that? Fucking vile, I'll tell you what."   -"Wait," Stroller says, curiosity briefly overcoming disgust, "his daughter is half-cat? How is that even possible…?"   -"You don't want to know man. Let's just leave it at that."   -Lindonrow continues to cry until eventually everyone just goes to sleep. The next day they wake up and continue on the road, Lindonrow still a bit out of it and quieter than usual. As they begin their journey, Stroller says: "We can make the Ford of Bruinen today, then we will be in Rivendell where your friend can get help."   -They walk to the ford. Nothing eventful happens, except for Captain Shire's continued decline. They begin crossing the river just after nightfall. About halfway across, Isengriff says: "Well, that wasn't so hard…"   -Suddenly, hundreds of trolls appear on the horizon behind them and start running in their direction. With a curse, Stroller starts running towards the other bank, followed by Lindonrow and Isengriff (still holding Captain Shire).   -They reach the bank and turn, only to see that the trolls are still hundreds of yards from the river and honestly, they probably didn't need to run because there was really no chance of the trolls getting to them before they crossed the river.   -As they are watching the trolls, they hear footsteps behind them and turn to see an extremely noble-looking elf walking towards them down the path dressed in armor that gleams brightly despite only having the moon and stars to reflect. Even by the standards of elves, they can tell that there is something special about this one.   -"Oh," says the elf, "welcome, travelers. My name is Glorfindel. I wasn't aware anyone would be coming tonight…"   -"It wasn't really planned," says Stroller, "but I have important business with Lord Elrond."   -"Well, the Dúnedain are always welcome here. I will take you to Elrond. But first, I need to take care of the business I came down here for."   -"What's that?"   -"Well, it's those trolls over there. They need to be cleared out, otherwise they get the idea that they can just wander wherever they want."   -"How are you going to kill them all?" asks Isengriff   -"Watch."   -The first few trolls enter the river and (to Isengriff and Lindonrow's surprise) stop and begin playing in the water like little children. It's actually kind of cute. But it doesn't last long, because Glorfindel starts saying something in elvish, and the river begins to swell and build power. Glorfindel stops his incantation for a moment to say: "You might want to step out of the water, it's going to be dangerous down by the bank in a moment here."   -Everybody starts moving back, but then Isengriff gets an idea. He sticks his foot out slightly just as Stroller is walking up behind him, causing the ranger to stumble and fall back onto the bank with a thump. Glorfindel yells: "Ranger, what are you doing?! Hurry!"   -Unfortunately for Stroller, he doesn't have enough time to do that, because a massive wall of water suddenly sweeps around a bend in the river coming right towards him. Seeing that he is doomed, he yells: "Damn y-" and is swept away along with all the trolls.   -Glorfindel yells: "No!" and sinks to his knees in despair, but Lindonrow picks him up and says: "Stroller wouldn't have wanted you to be sad. He would have wanted you to help us out."   -"You're probably right… why have you come to Rivendell?"   -"Well, our friend here is gravely wounded. We met Stroller in Bree when we were looking for someone to help him and he said he could guide us to Rivendell to get help. So we came here."   -"Very well," Glorfindel says, looking at Captain Shire, "he doesn't seem dead yet, if we are swift Lord Elrond can still save him. Come!"   -They run down into the valley of Rivendell. As they do, Lindonrow whispers to Isengriff: "Why'd you trip Stroller?"   -"He was gonna rat us out man."   -"True, true. Good thinking."   -They enter into the Vale of Imladris. It is just as beautiful as they had been led to believe, and even Isengriff and Lindonrow are impressed. Lindonrow asks Glorfindel: "So, I heard they were having a sort of… Council here?"   -"Yes, Lord Elrond has been planning one for some time, but news recently came to us that has forced us to move the timetable up. It's scheduled for a few days hence. Why do you ask?"   -"Well, we were thinking of going."   -"I thought you came here to seek aid for your friend?"   -"Well we were, but we also wanted to go to Elrond's Council."   -"Hmmm…I do not know, it is a highly secretive affair. Quite frankly, I'm not sure you would be allowed in. Nevertheless, I will inform Lord Elrond of your request. Now quickly, we must make for the Last Homely House, where Elrond dwells. There your friend can find help."   -They enter Rivendell and Glorfindel takes them to the Last Homely House, a large manor-like structure that apparently houses many guest chambers, libraries, and halls for food and music. Glorfindel leads them to a room with three beds and leaves to go fetch Elrond, leaving Isengriff and Lindonrow to sit and wait.   -----   -Romalda Harfoot, Bounder of the Shire, walks into the office for a meeting with her boss, Second Bounder Bodo Bunce. She wishes she had time to get a coffee from the break room, but she's already cutting it close so she skips that and heads directly into the office.   -"Hey Romalda," says Bunce as she enters, "sit down, please."   -Romalda sits down, then says: "What do you want, boss? You know I've got a lot of work on my plate ever since the Hobbiton incident."   -"Well, we all do Romalda. That's why I've been looking to hire more officers, to help out with the workload."   -"What does this have to do with me?"   -"Well, I'm giving you a partner."   -"Boss, I've always worked alone, you know that!"   -"Yes, but we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good Romalda. This new recruit… he needs a firm hand to help him get going. Frankly, I wouldn't even have hired him if it weren't for the current situation. But we do what we have to."   -"I don't want some rookie slowing me down!"   -"Damn it Romalda, you're taking this rookie on, and that's final!"   -"Fine, boss," she says sullenly, "where is he?"   -"Should be showing up just outside the building now, actually."   -Romalda goes outside and stands out in front of the bounder station, but no one is there. A few minutes later, a strange barefoot dwarf walks up and she says: "Hey, fuck off. Bounders only, foreigner."   -"But… I am a bounder."   -"What? That's impossible, we don't hire foreigners into the bounders."   -"I'm not a foreigner, I grew up in Hobbiton! My name is Halbbo Proudfeet.   -"You are clearly a dwarf!"   -Halbbo gets tears in his eyes and says: "No… I'm a hobbit, I am! Look at my feet! No shoes and everything!"   -"Well… how do I know you're my new rookie?"   -He holds out a badge with his name on it and everything, forcing her to admit that he is, indeed, who he says he is, somehow.   -"Fine," she sighs, "I'm your new partner, Romalda Harfoot."   -"Hello! Glad to be working with you."   -"Yeah, yeah. We're going to do some real basic shit today, since you're new. Just gonna patrol around Michel Delving. Fairly low crime area, mainly just helping out civvies with whatever silly little tasks they want done. Watch me, you should be able to manage it."   -Seeing as the Bounders HQ is in Michel Delving, they don't have far to travel. Romalda puts on her feathered green bounder cap and begins walking down the street, but Halbbo just stands still and says: "Uh, sir. I don't have a hat…"   -"The hat's not important."   -"Well, it's just… I really want to look the part you know. Don't want to be out of dress code."   -"Ugh, fine."   -They head back into the station and requisition a hat. Once Halbbo is satisfied that he is perfectly in alignment with bounder code, they head back out.   -They patrol around Michel Delving for a couple hours without incident, eventually making their way to the 'Town Hole' where the Mayor of the Shire, Wil Whitfoot, lives. As they are passing by, the door opens and a well-tanned hobbit beckons them in. Halbbo looks to Romalda in confusion, who simply says: "Come on, we're eating well tonight."   -The hobbit leads them silently to the Mayor's office, where they find the white-haired Wil Whitfoot himself awaiting them at his desk. Halbbo bows respectfully, but Romalda elbows him and says: "Whaddya want, sir?"   -"I have a problem," says the Mayor, "one which I hope the bounders can help me with, Romalda."   -"What's that?"   -"Are you aware of the recent kerfuffle about 'Fallohide Rights' or somesuch?"   -Romalda immediately remembers. There are three ethnicities of hobbits in the Shire- the Harfoots (of which she is one, obviously), the relatively rare Stoors, and the Fallohides, who are known for having darker skin. In fact, the silent hobbit who led them in looks to be a Fallohide himself. She nods.   -"Well, some busybody named Lobelia Sackville-Baggins has been organizing a protest against the government's policies in that regard up at Overhill. All very… illegal, you know. It would be most grateful if you would go and… deal with it for me."   -"You got it, sir. Come on Halbbo, we're going to Overhill."   -They leave the mayor's office. Once they're outside, Halbbo says hesitantly: "Uh, sir… I thought we were patrolling Michel Delving today…"   -"We were, but this is more important, rookie."   -"It just seems… wrong. I thought people had a right to protest…"   -"Rights can be changed, Halbbo. Now come on, it's not our job to think about it, it's our job to deal with it!"   -They head down to Overhill, a trip of a couple hours. When they arrive, it is immediately clear where the protest is, because there is a massive sign saying: "OVERHILL AUTONOMOUS ZONE" with dozens of partying hobbits dancing behind it to music. It seems quite merry, for a protest, but some people are holding signs indicating their disfavor with Wil Whitfoot, so it's definitely more than a regular party.   -Deciding that they should gain intel about the situation before doing anything, Romalda sits at a park bench next to a protestor. The protestor is a Fallohide and looks at her uncomfortably, then says: "Hello officer."   -"Hey. What's going on here?"   -"We're just protesting, you know. Legally."   -"Right… what are you protesting?"   -"We're protesting racism against Fallohides."   -"I thought Fallohides had equal rights."   -"They do, theoretically. But many are still racist against us, including the Mayor. I hear the number of Fallohide killings by bounders has increased by over 200% since he came to office."   -"Well, not all bounders are bad."   -"I'm not saying that," the man says, getting slightly heated as if he's had this exact discussion before, "I'm just saying there's a pr-"   -Romalda draws her spear and stabs him through the throat midsentence. Halbbo cries out in shock, but she just says: "He was going to attack me, I could tell from the way he was talking!"   -"Romalda, he was just having a conversation… oh no, oh no…"   -Halbbo throws up as Romalda withdraws her spear from the dead protestor. Immediately, the entire Overhill Autonomous Zone goes dead silent as everyone looks at the scene. Romalda can tell that they're about to charge the two of them, so she tells Halbbo: "Draw your weapon, rookie! Do it now, you're gonna need it!"   -"I… I don't have a weapon!"   -"WHAT?"   -"I… I don't use weapons…"   -"Well how do you plan to defend yourself?"   -"Well, I can shoot fire and lightning out of my hands…"   -"Huh?'   -"I use these runes, they allow me to do it."   -"I've never heard of anything like that… are you messing with me? This is not the time…"   -"No, seriously."   -"Well do it now, then! Hit those protestors with a fireball, before they charge!"   -"I don't know…"   -"DO IT NOW!"   -Panicking, Halbbo throws a fireball at the protestors, blowing at least three of them to bits and ripping the limbs off seven more. Halbbo throws up again as the wounded begin to scream in pain, but Romalda pats him on the back and says: "Good job, rookie. I knew you had it in you."   -The protesters scatter in terror and the two bounders head up to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins house to make the arrest. Halbbo doesn't say anything, his eyes shell-shocked from what he has just done.   -Romalda bangs on Lobelia's door, but no one responds so she bashes it down. Unsurprisingly, Lobelia herself and her adult son Lotho are hiding in the backroom. She drags the elderly Lobelia out forcefully, saying: "You're under arrest for disturbing the peace."   -"I did no such thing, how dare you lay hands on me! I merely organized a peaceful protest…"   -"Three people died at that protest, you psycho!"   -"Only because you killed them, pig!"   -Romalda punches her in the stomach and starts binding her wrists. Lotho makes a move to stop her, but Romalda says: "Watch it, bud, or you're coming too."   -They have no more trouble out of him and the arrest goes smoothly after that. Romalda gives the chains to Halbbo and says: "Right. Looks like we're making a trip to The Pits today Halbbo."   -"The… the pits, sir?"   -"Oh right, you're new. The Pits are a new prison Mayor Whitfoot set up down by Scary. It's mostly for political prisoners, we keep them all there and they work down in the quarries until they die."   -"That sounds awful! Why do people allow it?"   -"Well, it's not like most people know about the Pits Halbbo. And don't talk like that, it'll lead you to a bad end if you're not careful. Now let's go."   -They walk down to Scary, luckily only a couple miles from Overhill. Romalda leads them on a small path out of the village until they reach a bounder checkpoint. As they approach the checkpoint, Romalda groans in annoyance as she recognizes the bounder on duty as Wilcome Tunnelly and says: "Hello, Wilcome."   -Wilcomereplies: "Hey babe, who you got for me?"   -"Cut it out with the 'babe' thing Wilcome, or I'm gonna fucking call HR again."   -"Well sorry!" says Wilcome, seemingly affronted at being called out on his unprofessional behavior, "Just tell me who you brought."   -"This prisoner is one Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, arrested her for disturbance of the peace."   -"Oh, I've heard of her. Yeah, we'll give you 10 gold pieces for that prisoner."   -"Fair enough."   -Romalda hands Lobelia over and accepts the payout, giving half of it to Halbbo, who takes it reluctantly and says: "Sir, I'm not sure we should be doing this…"   -As he says it, Romalda feels her pent up frustration with her new partner finally reach a boiling point and she slaps him across the face, saying: "Damn it Halbbo, cut it out. You're never going to get far in the bounders if you take that kind of shitty attitude. This is how we run things."   -"I…I'm not sure I should be in the bounders then, Romalda."   -"You dunce, you think they'll just let you out? Let you tell everyone what's been going on? Surely even you can't be that naïve. If you try and leave the bounders, you'll end up smashing rocks in the Pits with the other dissidents till you drop over dead of exhaustion. So you can either learn to fucking live with it, or you can learn to love mining, kid."   -Halbbo starts to cry. Romalda, still annoyed, feels a slight tinge of sympathy for him and says: "Look, that's just the way things are. Take your money and go home early tonight. I'll deal with the mayor and we can do some normal bounder stuff tomorrow."   -"O…ok, sir."   -Halbbo goes home for the night, leaving Romalda to explain what happened to the Mayor.   -The strangely silent Fallohide lets her into the Mayor's office again, prompting her to ask: "So, what's with the new assistant, Mr. Mayor?"   -"Oh, that's just Assistant Fallohide."   -"Does he have a first name? Does he talk."   -"No."   -"Oh… ok…"   -"How did everything go?"   -"Well enough. Protest was broken up, Lobelia is in the pits."   -"Good, good. Here is your reward…"   -He hands her a small bag of coins and sends her on her way. She goes home for the night, gets in bed, and falls into a fitful sleep.   -The next morning she wakes up bright and early and goes down to the bounder's office to meet with Halbbo again. This time he is on time and they head out for their daily patrol, this time on the road between Michel Delving and Hobbiton, a route she has chosen precisely because it is both generally calm and not likely to result in any political problems.   -They spend most of the day helping an old lady find her pig that has run off, meaning it is past dark when they reach the end of their route in Hobbiton. As they are passing a field, Halbbo notices someone kneeling down among the crops suspiciously and points it out to Romalda, who says: "Looks like a local hooligan… follow my lead."   -She hops the fence into the field quietly, then yells: "Hey, you! Hands above your head, on the ground now!"   -The mystery hobbit does not do this, but instead hops up and starts running. Romalda and Halbbo pursue, but are only fast enough to see their prey's coattails disappear into the busy Ivy Bush Inn. They go inside as well.   -The inn is packed to the brim with tipsy hobbits, but Romalda spots a suspect immediately. He's a Fallohide, fairly tall and completely sober, not a common state in this particular locale.   -She points out the suspect to Halbbo and they walk up to him. He looks at them with an unfriendly eye and says: "What is it?"   -"Sir," says Romalda, "we have reason to suspect you are guilty of trespassing. I'm going to have to ask you to come with us."   -"I did nothing wrong!"   -"We just saw you run in here. Why else wouldn't you be drunk like everybody else?"   -"I'm a recovering alcoholic, if you need to know. At any rate, you're just targeting me because I'm a Fallohide."   -"That's not true, sir. I'm targeting you because you are the prime suspect. Now hands behind your back, we're taking you in."   -"I'm not going with you! I've heard the stories… about what you bounders do to us Fallohides. Get away from me!"   -The man grabs a steak-knife from the bar and brandishes it at Romalda. Unbeknownst to any of them, the real trespasser (a Harfoot) walks out the door in the ensuing chaos.   -Romalda doesn't have time to draw her spear. Knowing the man has her dead to rights, she accepts her fate and hopes that it will be quick.   -Fortunately for her, she never learns whether it would have been quick, because at that moment Halbbo lights the Fallohide on fire. He drops the knife and begins screaming in agony as he stumbles around trying to put the fire out. After a short time, he falls to the ground and rises no more.   -Halbbo helps Romalda to her feet and says: "That was a close one, sir."   -"You're damn right, rookie. But you did good."   -"Just doing my job, sir."   -She pats him on the back and says: "Say, you want a drink? It's on me."   -"Sure thing, boss."   -They order two ales from the shaking barkeeper as the rest of the inn's patrons quickly disperse into the night.   -They continue working for another week without any further incident. Then on their second Friday together, Romalda says: "Hey, I heard they're having some sort of Bounder Fundraising party tomorrow night. You going?"   -"Oh yeah," says Halbbo, "I love parties! Are you going?"   -"Of course! They pay overtime if we go to these things. Easy money."   -They meet up again at the fundraiser the next night. Romalda is sitting on a bench trying not to fall asleep as a random 'community leader' drones on about the importance of police work in the background while Halbbo listens intently.   -Suddenly, an old co-worker of Romalda's named Belco Boffin sits down next to her and says: "Hey, how's it going Romalda?"   -"Boring as hell."   -"Yeah," he laughs, "fair enough. Hey, have you heard about the serial killer?"   -"The what?"   -"Yeah, I hadn't heard the term either until just recently. Apparently it's a guy who goes around killing people one after another."   -"Sounds terrible. Why are you telling me this?"   -"Well, it's just that I heard old Bodo Bunce was considering you as the primary investigator on this job."   -"Wow. That'd be great, all I've been doing this past week is checking up on old gammers to see if they've kicked it or not. It's terrible."   -"Well, good luck to you then Romalda."   -At exactly 9 o'clock, Romalda walks out of the part. Halbbo notices this and follows after her, saying: "Hey, Romalda, where are you going?"   -"Home."   -"Why? The party's still going strong!"   -"It's nine. I don't get paid any more overtime after nine, so I'm leaving."   -"Oh… are you sure you don't want to stay?"   -"Pretty sure. See you monday, Halbbo."   -Monday comes and when Romalda heads to the office she finds a note waiting from her from Bodo Bunce reading: "New assignment, my office."   -Feeling excited, she gets Halbbo and they go to Bunce's office. The Second Bounder greets them and says: "Well, I'll cut right to the chase. I have an important assignment for you two."   -"What is it, boss?" says Romalda.   -"There's a serial killer on the loose."   -"Do we know anything about him?"   -"A little. We've got a list of all his kills since he started a month or so back, and based on the location we think he is a resident of Brockenborings. His early kills were all in that area, although some of his more recent ones are further afield. Regardless, I think that your best bet would be to go there and find what you can find. If you can figure out his identity, capturing him should be easy enough."   -They leave the Bunce's office, but instead of hitting the road like Halbbo assumed they would, Romalda leads him down a dark hallway to an unmarked door. As she reaches for the handle, he asks: "Uh, Romalda, what are you doing? I thought we were going to Brockenborings…"   -"There's a faster way to get the information we need than just asking random people in Brockenborings, Halbbo."   -She opens the door to reveal row on row of bookshelves, each nearly full of thick leather-bound tomes. Halbbo is impressed, but also confused.   -"This," says Romalda, "is the Bounder Database. We have full information on everyone in the Shire- first name, last name, birthday, profession, ancestry, everything. It's all sorted by village, so all we have to do is go to the section on Brockenborings and start reading names till we find someone who might be a suspect."   -"This… this seems like a violation of privacy, Romalda…"   -"Don't worry, no one knows about this outside the Bounders."   -"That wasn't really what I was worr…"   -"Come on!"   -Romalda leads Halbbo to the Brockenborings section and begins flipping through tomes. Halbbo doesn't really understand her methodology, but it apparently works because eventually she jabs her finger onto the page and says: "Ah-hah! I think I found our suspect."   -Halbbo looks at the page. At the top is the name Obo Fallohide, with a small portrait drawn right below that. Most of the page is taken up by bullet points listing various things about the individual- graduated top of his class in Hobbiton University, no criminal record, unmarried, has worked in a local grocery for the past 5 years. Overall, nothing to give even the slightest impression that he would be a criminal.   -Confused, Halbbo grabs the book and flips through it a bit himself. It soon becomes clear why Romalda thinks this one is the suspect- he's the only Fallohide in Brockenborings. He gives the book back to Romalda and says tenatively: "Uh, sir, why do you think this is the suspect?" hoping there was some other reason that he missed.   -"Well, look at him! He's suspicious as all hell!"   -"Um, sir… I don't see anything about him that would be suspicious. Except that he's a Fallohid, but I do…"   -"Halbbo, him being a Fallohide has nothing to do with anything!"   -"I know sir, it's just that I've noticed you seem to have something of a prejudice against Fallohides…"   -"Excuse me? Are you calling me a racist Halbbo?"   -"Well, no sir, it's just…"   -"Look, you should just stop talking before you say something even more stupid. I've been on the force for 20 years now, I think I have a bit more knowledge about how to identify a suspect than you. Now come on, we're going to Brockenborings."   -Halbbo decides not to belabor the point, hoping that somehow she is right and this Odo character really is who she says he is.   -They go north. Since Brockenborings is on the very northern edge of the Shire, it takes them until evening to arrive at the outlying farms and they are both fairly exhausted by that time.   -Suddenly, Romalda sees something in the fields. It looks like a campfire- not something often seen among the Shirefolk unless there is a party going on, but there are no sounds of merriment coming from around this fire, so that option is out. She decides that they should investigate, so they creep towards it slowly.   -To their surprise, they see that the starter of the fire is a human man dressed in green and brown traveling clothes. He looks rugged and used to living on the outdoors, and to their even greater surprise he immediately notices them looking at him from the bushes and says: "Come here, little ones! I don't bite."   -Romalda pushes her way out of the bushes forcefully and says: "Do you have a camping permit?"   -"A what?"   -"A permit that says you have legal permission from the Mayor to camp out here."   -"Why should I need one of those? I've wandered these lands many years and never needed one before. My name is Hal, by the way. I am a ranger of the north."   -"There's been some changes around here since Mayor Whitfoot was elected. Nowadays you foreign types need a permit to be wandering about in the Shire. Helps keep out the unsavory elements, you see."   -"Well, I don't have a permit. I didn't even know I needed one."   -"Hmm," says Romalda, sizing the man up, "well, you're going to have to go down to Michel Delving and get one. We can escort you there, after we're done with our present business."   -"Ok," says Hal indulgently, clearly not taking this all that seriously, "what kind of business is that?"   -"We're tracking down a serial killer."   -"A serial killer, in the Shire?! I've never heard of such a thing."   -"Me too. But don't worry citizen, the bounders are on the case."   -"Right…"   -Halbbo points at the goblin corpses surrounding Hal that everyone has been conveniently ignoring to this point and says: "So, what are those?"   -"Oh," says Hal, "these are just goblins. Foul creatures. I killed them."   -"Why were they in the Shire?"   -"I don't know, my good dwarf. They've been ranging deeply into the Shire of late. It is all my kin can do to hold them back."   -"I'm not a dwarf, I'm a hobbit."   -"You… what?"   -"I am a hobbit!"   -"You look to be a dwarf to me, sir."   -Halbbo points at his feet (bare, like a proper hobbit) and says: "I am a hobbit! I have lived in the Shire my whole life!"   -"Well, alright. No need to get worked up, friend."   -"So," interjects Romalda, "are there any more goblins nearby?"   -"Yes. There is a small camp of them in the woods nearby. I have been tracking them for some time, trying to find out their motives."   -"Right. Looks like we have a second mission, Halbbo."   -"What exactly do you mean?" says Hal.   "We're going to go kill those goblins."   -"I'm not sure that's a good idea…"   -"We're bounders, human. We can handle anything. Now come along, I'm not letting you out of my sight till you’ve got a proper permit."   -They wander around until they find the goblins, having neglected to ask Hal before making their intentions clear (and he is disinclined to help them now, not wanting them to be put in danger).   -Nevertheless, they manage it, coming upon the goblins by surprise soon after dark. Halbbo launches a fireball at them, killing a few, but the rest dodge it. At least a dozen goblins come right at them, and suddenly Romalda begins to question whether her bounder training really prepared her for this.   -Suddenly, Hal flies into motion, jumping in front of them and slaying a goblin with his sword. Two more goblins rush him, but he takes them out as well with ease. The rest come on in a rush, but he kills most of them (with a little help from Romalda, who stabs one in the back with her spear) before the rest run off into the woods in terror.   -Romalda pats Hal on the leg and says: "You did good out there citizen. If you were a hobbit, maybe you could be a bounder."   -Hal doesn't really know what to say to that.   -They spend the night at Hal's camp and enter Brockenborings as day is breaking. As they are walking down the streets, they hear some music playing nearby. As they turn a corner, they see that it is coming from a nearby public ampitheatre where a band is playing. Interestingly, the band is made up of a variety of different races- the leader is a female elf, there's a few hobbits playing drums, and there is even a dwarf and a man playing the lute and the horn, respectively. Finding this unusual, Romalda agrees with Halbbo that they should stay a while and listen. Hal shrugs his shoulders, not really invested in any of this but not wanting to create an unnecessary conflict with his new 'friends' but leaving.   -As they are listening to the music, a strange elf with an eye-patch over one eye walks into the ampitheatre and stands right in front of the band. They keep playing to the end of their song then stop, clearly confused by what this newcomer wants. Once the music dies away, he says: "That was some fine music. What is your band's name?"   -"We are 'Galdwen's Bunch of Misfits'," says the leader, "I am Galdwen. Who might you be?"   -"The name's Agie. I'm from a place called Ost Guruth."   -"I've heard of it. Seems like a nice place for lovers of the musical arts."   -"It is. In fact, I represent an organization there looking to put together a music festival."   -"A what?"   -"It's a new invention we recently discovered. It's like what you're doing here, but multiple bands play over a few days and we have huge crowds who all get drunk and do pipe-weed. It will be the first of its kind."   -"That sounds intriguing, but why are you telling us about this?"   -"Well, my job is to search for promising bands to join our festival. Your music is impressive, I think you might be a good candidate."   -"Well, I'm not sure…"   -"I thought you might be reluctant. That's why I brought two of our headlining bands here with me to give you a sample of their music."   -He claps his hands and two groups of people walk into the ampitheatre from where they had been concealed behind a building. One of them is a group of dwarves, the other a group of human children with an elf woman at their head.   -The dwarves get out their instruments first and begin to play a traditional dwarven song. It's quite moving, but then Romalda notices that one of the dwarves doesn't have a shirt on. As this is a violation of the laws against public indecency, she gets up and says: "Hey, you!"   -The music stops and the shirtless dwarf looks at her in confusion. "Yeah, you," she says, "you're violating the law!"   -She walks up to him and binds his wrists. The rest of his band looks at Agie, who says: "Now, officer, is this really necessary…"   -'Yes!"   -"Fine," he says, clearly not wanting trouble with the police, "that band wasn't very good anyway. Now, let me introduce… The Stoors!"   -The dwarf band leaves the stage grumbling in annoyance, while the elf woman directs her children onto it. They sing a few songs, bringing everyone present to tears with their beauty. When they are done, Galdwen says: "That… that was the most beautiful song I've ever heard… I would be glad to join your festival!"   -"Just one moment," says Romalda, "do you have a permit to hold a music festival?"   -"No," says Agie smugly, "we don't need one."   -"Well, I think you'll find…"   -"You see, this festival is not taking place in your jurisdiction, Bounder."   -"Where is it going to be?" says Galdwen.   "Weathertop."   -Romalda, Halbbo, and Hal leave the amphitheater soon after and deposit their dwarven prisoner at the local bounder station. With all distractions now taken care of, they head towards their suspect's house to complete their actual mission.   -Romalda bashes the door in and enters the hobbit-hole without a word. Their suspect is inside eating his lunch, and jumps up at the crash yelling: "Hey! What do you want?"   -"Odo Fallohide," says Romalda authoritatively, "you are under arrest on multiple counts of murder. Put your hands above your head and come quietly."   -"What are you talking about? I didn't do anything!"   -"We know you did it, now get down on your knees and put your hands above your head! NOW!"   -"Not on your life! I'm not coming with you pigs. I've done nothing wrong!"   -Romalda reaches for him, but he jumps back and turns to run away. She throws her spear in his back and he falls to the ground with a grunt, dead. Hal and Halbbo both make shocked exclamations, prompting Romalda to say: "He was gonna run! He probably had a sword back there, he was gonna go get it."   -Before they can argue whether this logic makes any sense, they hear a piercing scream from outside. They all run outside to see that the next house down's door is ajar. Going inside, it becomes clear that they had the wrong suspect, because there is a hobbit standing with a knife over the corpse of another victim. He looks at them in surprise, clearly not expecting the police to be so close.   -"It's not what it looks like!" he says.   -"What is your name, citizen?" replies Romalda sternly.   -"The name's Rollo Maggot. I was just responding to the scream, really."   -"I don't believe you, Mr. Maggot. Down on your knees with your hands behind your back, you are under arrest."   -"But I didn't do it!"   -"You're standing by the corpse with a bloody knife in your hand, and it's only been 30 seconds since the murder. You really expect me to believe it wasn't you."   -Rollo gets down on his knees, apparently realizing that he's caught. As Romalda comes near him to tie him up, however, he suddenly twists towards her and spits a small glob of black liquid at her face. It immediately starts to smoke and burn, causing her to cry out in pain and stumble.   -As if in answer, Rollo opens his mouth to an unnatural width and screeches piercingly. Hal and Halbo clap their hands over their ears and winces, giving Rollo a few seconds to slip past them and through the door. Romalda sees this through her pain and stumbles to the door in pursuit.   -She sees Rollo running up the northern road and takes one step out the door before passing out and falling to the ground with a thud.   -----   -She wakes up the next day lying in a hospital bed. Halbbo is sitting beside her, along with Bodo Bunce. When she sits up, they both turn towards her. Halbbo smiles and says: "Oh, you're awake! Thank goodness. I was afraid that stuff might have been poisonous… I still don't know what it was, but it was really hard to get off of you."   -"Where… is… Rollo Maggot?" she says blearily.   -"Unfortunately, he escaped," says Bunce, "no one knows where he ran off to, but now that he's been identified I'm confident he will either turn up eventually, or flee the Shire. In either event, I'm closing the investigation."   -"I saw where he went, boss. He was going up the north road, that means he must have fled out of the Shire and into the North Downs."   -"Well in that case, it seems the problem has solved itself. He'll never dare show his face around here again, everyone has heard of him by now."   -"But Bodo, we can't just let him get away with this! We can chase him down, bring him in."   -"No. Absolutely not, the North Downs is way outside our jurisdiction and we're overworked anyway. I'm not gonna let you go on some crazy mission to deal with a problem that is already solved."   -"But there was something strange about him. That acid, that wasn't natural. There's more to this story than we understand, chief."   -"Romalda, you're just worked up because you were injured. There's no reason to believe he was anything other than a crazy serial killer."   -"Damn it, you can't do this to me!"   -"I've had enough of this," he replies, slamming his fist on the bedside table, "you are too involved in this case Romalda. You are off it, and that is final!"   -"No, you can't stop me from investigating. This thing is important!"   -"Damn you Romalda, you're a loose cannon. I thought giving you a new rookie to train would help calm you down, but clearly I was wrong. Turn in your badge, you're off the force."   -"Fine!"   -She hands him her badge and says: "Come on, Halbbo. We're going to the North Downs."   -"Uh, well," he replies sheepishly, "sir, I was thinking I would just keep my badge…"   -"You're off the force too!" interjects Bunce.   -"But why?"   -"I just don't like you. Now get out!"   -Halbbo gives him the badge and starts crying as they leave the hospital.   -Outside, Romalda is surprised to find Hal waiting for them. When he sees her, he says: "Hello, friend. I have been waiting to see if you would be alright. You seem to have made a full recovery!"   -"You could say that. We're going to the North Downs to find that serial killer and put him down."   -"Hmmm… would you mind if I joined you? That thing… it was no mere hobbit. Something is strange about this whole thing."   -"I agree. Come along, if you want. We could use as much muscle as possible for this operation."   -They start up the northern road. Along the way, Halbbo and Romalda ditch their bounder clothes, with Romalda explaining: "It's a lawless country up in the North Downs, we don't want them knowing we're with the cops."   -Halbbo cries some more.   -----   -While they wait for the Council, Isengriff and Lindonrow spend their time trying to find something to do around Rivendell. The first day is mostly spent bothering random people in an attempt to make new friends, an attempt that mostly fails. They harass a dwarf named Gimli, and elf named Legolas, two humans named Boromir and Aragorn, and they make an abortive attempt to reminisce about the Shire with some hobbits who had also recently arrived. While all of these attempts fail and end up just annoying their targets, the last one does bear some fruit when an elderly hobbit named Bilbo reveals that he is actually a master of the musical arts. Isengriff and Lindonrow harass him until he finally agrees to teach them how to play their instruments properly.   -Thus, a few days later, they are sitting with Bilbo in the musical hall of Rivendell (called 'The Hall of Fire') playing a simple song together. This time, they manage to hit all the notes perfectly and Bilbo says: "Very good my lads! Very good."   -They stop playing and he pulls out his pocket-watch to check the time. With a gasp, he exclaims: "Oh no! I'm late!"   -"Late for what, Bilbo?" asks Lindonrow.   -"Oh, uh… nothing dear boy, nothing. Just, um, keep practicing. I have to go for a few hours."   -"Well… if you aren't here Bilbo, there's really no reason to practice. I mean, it's not the same without your input."   -"Yeah," says Isengriff, "maybe we can just come with you wherever you're going and we can keep practicing there."   -"Oh, no, that wouldn't do. Trust me, you are perfectly fine practicing on your own a bit! Now, I must bid you good day."   -With this, he turns and hurries from the hall. Isengriff and Lindonrow ,curious, follow him out. He notices them and starts running as fast as he can, but they keep up easily and follow him to a large pavilion filled with people. Among those present are Elrond, Aragorn, Boromir, all the hobbits, Legolas, Gimli, Glorfindel, a wizard named Gandalf, and many, many more of all races and nationalities.   -As they enter, Elrond is saying: "…first, so that all may understand what is the peril, the Tale of the Ring shall be told from the beginning even- oh, hello Bilbo, you're late."   -"Sorry Elrond, I was…"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow burst onto the scene at this point, leading Elrond to exclaim: "Bilbo you fool! You've led them right to us!"   -"Hey," says Isengriff, "were you having the council without us? What gives?"   -"You were never invited," says Elrond, "so I would appreciate it if you were to leave."   -"Nah, we're staying. This is an important council and we want to get the scoop on our plans."   -Gandalf the wizard stands up suddenly, yelling: "Silence! You are not part of our plans, you fools! We have no need of your presence, and you have done nothing but bother the good people of Rivendell since you arrived. Were it not for Lord Elrond's charity you would have been driven out the hour you arrived."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow laugh merrily at this. "Oh Gandy," says Lindonrow, "you always were a joker."   -"I am not joking!"   -"HA HA HA! Good one!"   -They sit down in two empty chairs, ignoring Gandalf's further imprecations against them.   -Elrond sighs resignedly and tells Gandalf: "Just let them stay. We don't have time for this sort of stupidity, and I highly doubt they are servants of the enemy. That one is an elf, for one thing."   -Gandalf sits down with a huff.   -"As I was saying," continues Elrond, "we must now hear the Tale of the Ring…"   -He continues on in this manner, but Isengriff and Lindonrow stop listening because they are too busy raising their hands to try and get Elrond's attention. He ignores them and continues telling his tale, from the creation of the One Ring, the War of the Last Alliance, and so forth.   -Finally, Isengriff says: "Elrond!"   -"What is it? Elrond says angrily.   "What ring are we talking about?"   -"I Was. Just. Explaining. That. Weren't you listening?"   -"No."   -"The One Ring is a powerful artifact created by Sauron, and now we have it. Are you satisfied?"   -"More or less."   -"Good, now go back to not listening while I finish my story."   -He continues on for a time, telling of Isildur's death and of the Realm of Gondor. Once he is finished speaking, Boromir gets up and says: "Give me leave, Master Elrond, first to say more of Gondor, for verily f-"   -"Oh boy," says Isengriff, "here we go again…"   -"Yeah," replies Lindonrow, "all you ever talk about is Gondor this, Gondor that! I thought we were talking about a ring!"   -"Well… never mind, then…"   -Boromir sits down and the tale continues with Bilbo explaining how he came to have the ring, then various other topics are discussed, each more boring than the last as far as Isengriff and Lindonrow are concerned. A man named Saruman is mentioned, then something about a guy called Gollum, and a place called Rohan until at last they begin discussing what they should do next.   -"Now at this last we must take a hard road, a road unforeseen," says Elrond, "there lies our hope, if hope it be. To walk into peril- to Mordor. We must send the Ring to the Fire."   -"Why do you speak of hiding and destroying?" says Boromir, standing once again, "why should we not think that the Great Ring has come into hour hands to serve us in the very hour of need? Wielding it, the Free Lords of the Free may surely defeat the enemy."   -"Yeah," says Isengriff, standing as well, "why are you guys such pussies? We don't need to destroy some ring to beat Sauron, let's just go to fucking Mordor and rip his head off!"   -"One does not simply walk into Mordor," says Boromir gravely.   -"Pfft, I bet we could manage it. You guys can come with us if you want."   -"We are not going to rip Sauron's head off," says Elrond, "nor can we wield the ring as a weapon. It is evil, and it answers to Sauron's will alone. It must be destroyed."   -"Ok well, we can workshop it later," says Lindonrow.   -The rest of the Council argues a bit but eventually agrees with the destroying the ring bit. The hobbit named Frodo agrees to be the Ringbearer and a call is sent out for those who may want to join him on his quest. Aragorn, Gimli, Boromir, Gandalf, and the other three hobbits Merry, Samwise, and Pippin all agree to join.   -"So be it," says Elrond as he looks at the nine of them gathered together, "you shall be… the Fellowship of t-"   -"MCCABBAGE!" yells Isengriff as he and Lindonrow run up to join the group. Elrond sighs in frustration.   -----   -Late that night, in the Hall of Flames, the (real) members of the fellowship get together around the fire to discuss the situation.   -"We need to get rid of those two," says Gandalf sternly.   -"I agree," says Aragorn, "but what should we do? We can't very well kill them, and they seem determined to follow us no matter how obvious we make it that they aren't welcome."   -"Indeed. Luckily, I think I have an idea that just might work."   -He explains the plan to them, and everyone agrees that it is a sound one. "There is one problem though," says Frodo, "we'll need two of us to volunteer to spend time around them for an extended period of time. How do we decide who must take up this burden?"   -"There is only one fair way," replies Gandalf, "we will draw straws."   -He takes eight straws of various lengths out of his pockets and has each person draw one. Once it is done, everyone reveals their straws. Gimli and Legolas have the shortest, meaning they are stuck with the task. They both groan in disappointment but agree to do what must be done.   -----   -The next morning, Isengriff and Lindonrow get up bright and early to visit their good friend Captain Shire, who is still recovering from his injuries in his guest chambers.   -He looks much improved from how he had been, but he's still bedridden from his burns and has only just recently regained consciousness. He looks up slightly as they enter and moans.   -"Hey buddy," says Lindonrow, "how's it going?"   -"I… hate… you…"   -"Hey! What's wrong?"   -"I… remember… everything…."   -"Hmm, I thought this might be a problem."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow take a few steps back and huddle together. "Did you do the thing?" asks Lindonrow in a whisper.   -"Yeah, Glorfindel told me all about how these binding oaths work… crazy stuff, eh? Anyway, I wrote up this contract and I think it will work."   -They walk back to Captain Shire, who looks at them with hatred. "So, you want to stop traveling with us then, cap?" asks Isengriff.   -"Yes…"   -"Great, then we're going to have to ask you to sign this document. It's just a formal acknowledgement that we no longer have anything to do with one another. Just legal bullshit, you know?"   -"What…?"   -"Just sign it and we never have to see each other again."   -Captain Shire grabs a pen with surprising speed and signs the document without reading it. He falls back to his bed with a sigh of relief.   -"So," says Isengriff, "there is good news and there is bad news."   -"Huh…?"   -"Which would you like to hear first?"   -"Good news…?"   -"Well, the good news is that I lied. That isn't actually a contract to split us up. Actually, it's a magically binding oath that forces you to travel with us wherever we go until the day that you die and beyond, except in cases where we don't want you with us."   -"No!"   -"Yep! We're going to be best friends for the rest of our lives! Well, your life anyway."   -"NOOO!"   -"Haha, good old Captain Shire. Anyway, do you want to hear the bad news?"   -"…"   -"I'll take that as a yes. The bad news is that we are going on a trip without you, seeing as you are not in any state to travel and I don't want to keep carrying you around you fucking freeloader. Don't worry though, once we've killed Sauron we'll come back for you."   -The door opens and Legolas enters the room.   -"Oh, hello Legboy," says Lindonrow.   -"Hello. I just received word that a Nazgul has been spotted in the Trollshaws."   -"A what?"   -"A nazgul, a ringwraith. One of the nine."   -"Never heard of them, what are they?"   -"They were men, once. Great kings of men, given rings of power by the dark lord Sauron. The power of the rings corrupted them, and now they exist in a state between death and life, unable to pass to the next world but not completely in this one either. They are completely enslaved to Sauron's will, and they are his most powerful servants."   -"Sounds pretty badass. You want us to go beat the shit out of it for you?"   -"I was hoping the three of us could go out together to deal with this, yes. The fellowship cannot risk leaving Rivendell while one of the nine remains in the area. Too dangerous."   -"You want to go on a field trip with us?"   -"Uh…sure."   -"Ok, we're down."   -They leave Rivendell immediately and head back into the Trollshaws.   -Legolas leads them through the wilds, apparently following some tracks that only he has the skill to read. Eventually, they come across a black horse lying dead on the riverbank and Legolas says: "This is the horse of one of the Nazgul. We must be on the right track. Quickly!"   -Suddenly, Glorfindel walks out from behind a tree and says: "Oh, hey guys. I didn't expect you here!"   -"Glorfindel?" says Isengriff, " what are you doing here?"   -"Well, Gandalf told me I should come to this place at this time, so I did."   -"How would Gandalf know we would be here…?"   -"The grey wizard knows many things," says Legolas hastily, "it is best not to question it, and simply accept the aid he has sent us."   -"Aid? What are you talking about?" says Glorfindel.   "He must have sent you here to help us on our mission. We're looking for a Nazgul."   -"A Nazgul, eh? Well, that's something special. Not exactly what I've been searching for, but I'll take it."   -"What have you been searching for?" asks Lindonrow.   -"Many years ago I defeated a balrog, a demon of the ancient world, in single combat. It is a glorious tale, but ever since I have been searching for someone to challenge me, a foe worthy of my strength. It's all been orcs and trolls since then, though. Makes me depressed just thinking about it."   -"Wow," says Isengriff, "that story sounds badass, you should tell us!"   -"Well, ok…"   -Glorfindel joins them on their hunt and tells them the tale of the Fall of Gondolin and of his battle with the balrog. When he gets to the part where he kills it, Lindonrow says: "Dude, I didn’t realize you were such a badass Glorfindel. Why aren't you in our Fellowship?"   -"Lord Elrond said that strength of arms will not be enough to get us into Mordor."   -"Pffft. Elrond, Schmelrond. We can totally take out Sauron by strength of arms. You wanna come help?"   -"You want to kill Sauron? That… that would truly be a worthy foe…"   -"Yeah! Come on, you know you want to!"   -"Well, alright…"   -Legolas rolls his eyes surreptitiously and continues to 'track' the Nazgul.   -As they are walking through the woods, Isengriff notices one of the trees move a branch against the wind. Curious, he signals a halt and watches the tree for movement. A short time later, another branch twitches strangely. He points out the tree to everyone else and they agree to approach it cautiously.   -Lindonrow pokes the tree and suddenly two bits of bark on its front move to reveal deep green eyes. Once they see those, it soon becomes obvious that this is no tree, but some sort of tree-like creature, for it has barky growths in the shape of a nose and mouth right below the eyes that they hadn't recognized before. It starts to talk in a ponderous voice: "Haroom… baroom… who are you?"   -"You are one of the Onodrim," exclaims Legolas, "one of the eldest folk!"   -"Ono…ono what? I am no Onodrim… I am an ent!"   -"Onodrim means ent in my language."   -"Ooh… you young folk have such strange names for things…"   -"What's an ent?" asks Lindonrow.   -"Haroom… you… don't know what an ent is? Strange… times…"   -"Well, are you going to tell us?"   -"Noo. You… must face me… in single combat."   -"What?" says Legolas, "hang on a second that doesn't make any…"   -The ent springs into motion, attacking them. Isengriff, Lindonrow, and Glorfindel combined are only barely enough to take it down, but they do. Right as Lindonrow delivers the killing blow, it says: "You… have proven y-"   -Lindonrow kills him without letting him finish. Glorfindel wipes the sweat from his brow and says: "That… what a good fight. Best I've had in decades."   -"You killed an ent!" yells Legolas.   -"He attacked us first," says Isengriff   -"Still, how could you do that?"   -"You saw how we did it, Legboy. Now are we going to hunt this Nazgul or what?'   -"Fine, let's keep going."   -They continue the hunt.   -Along the way, Lindonrow notices a strange barrel lying near a tree. Curious, he picks it up and cracks it open to find that it is full of pipe-weed. He, Isengriff, and Glorfindel split it up between them, leaving Legolas out by his own request and not bothering to question the strangeness of a barrel of fresh pipe-weed lying out here in the middle of nowhere, simply chalking it up to good luck.   -They keep going. The barrel is not the last strange thing they find, for soon they come across a dead deer. Normally this would not be strange, as the Trollshaws are lousy with deer, but this one looks to have been mauled by something extremely vicious. Its innards are hanging out with bits and pieces torn away by something that Legolas declares is not a wolf or any other predator he knows of, by the shape of the bite marks. If anything, he says, the marks looks like they were made by something human, although no human has the jaw strength to tear flesh like this. He goes silent for a moment, then says: "There is only one creature I know of with the ability and the desire to do this sort of thing."   -"What is it?" Says Lindonrow.   -"It's not a matter of what, but of who. I expect this is the work of the creature Gollum."   -"Who?"   -"Gollum. He is a strange thing, a dweller of the caverns beneath the Misty Mountains he was once, enslaved to the power of the One Ring... we went over this in the Council, weren't you listening?"   -"No." Isengriff and LIndonrow say in unison.   -"I... suppose that's not surprising. I'll cut to the chase. Gollum is an evil, furtive creature who desires the ring. He was once imprisoned by my people but he recently escaped. He must have followed the call of the ring to Rivendell. He could cause some mischief on our journey... perhaps we should make a slight detour to deal with him."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow agree, curious about this creature. Legolas picks up the trail easily and begins tracking, leading them through rough terrain until finally they see something small moving through the undergrowth ahead. It looks to be trying very hard to avoid the sunlight, a fact which slows it down considerably and allows them to catch up to it swiftly.   -Unfortunately, the creature hears them coming and turns to look at them, giving Isengriff and Lindonrow a pretty good look at it. It has pallid grey skin like a subterranean fish and massive eyes that glow slightly in the darkness. It looks to be only slightly bigger than a hobbit, but its legs are unusually gangly and its head is massive compared to the rest of it. His head is covered in long, thin hairs that hang lankly over his face. It looks like a sad creature.   -"No! Elves, elves my precious," it hisses, "they've come to take us away!"   -With a cry he dashes off, loping along the rough terrain on all fours like an ape.   -They chase after him, but he darts up a nearby cliff-face using his long, thin fingers to grasp the rocks with surprising strength and fling himself up. Considering the cliff is about twenty feet up at the least, they quickly decide that following him is not going to be an option, seeing as he will be far away by the time they manage the climb and they have more important prey to hunt.   -They continue tracking the Nazgul until they enter a dark grove and Legolas says: "There is something wrong with this place... he is near."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow also feel something wrong with the grove, although they cannot quite place it. The trees are covered in blood-red leaves, their trunks black. The sky darkens above them and they feel a chill wind blow in from the east. At the other side of the grove is a black shadow. They can't tell at first, but upon further inspection they can see that it is man shaped, no shadow but a person wearing a deep black robe that flows out around them.   -The Nazgul turns towards them and says: "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."   -They don't understand the language, but they can tell that it isn't pleasant.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow are not impressed. They've seen a lot in their days, and a man in a black robe saying spooky words is fairly low on the list of things that frighten them. They attack, followed closely by Glorfindel. Legolas hangs back, oddly.   -Without hesitation, the Nazgul turns around and runs away. He shouts something as he flees, causing the trees to start attempting to bludgeon Isengriff and Lindonrow with their branches. They take a few good hits but eventually just chop down all the trees. Still, this takes time and by the time they're finished the Nazgul is long gone.   -"Damn it," says Lindonrow, "he got away."   -"No," cries Glorfindel, "my one chance for glorious battle... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"   -He falls to the ground and begins to weep profusely.   -"It's not over, Glorfindel," says Isengriff, patting him on the back, "we just need to keep tracking him, he'll turn up."   -"Yes," says Legolas quickly, "in fact I believe I know where he went."   -"Where?"   -"The Misty Mountains."   -"How could you possibly know that?"   -"My people have incredible tracking skills. Besides, where else would he have gone?"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow feel that this is a somewhat weak explanation, but also can't think of any reason to explicitly distrust him on this, so they accept his rationale. They get Glorfindel up and tell them the plan, cheering him greatly. Then, Lindonrow says: "Well, looks like we're going to the mountains. You lead the way, Legolas!"   -"About that," replies the elf, "I can't come with you."   -"Why not?"   -"I'm very busy. Got lots of stuff I need to pack before we go on our big trip, you know? Don't worry, I hear Gimli is actually in the Misty Mountains on another job of his own. I bet he'd be glad to help you!"   -"Well… alright…"   -Legolas leaves without another word, leaving Isengriff and Lindonrow confused and wondering what could be causing him to act so strangely. Their desire for Nazgul blood quickly drives this out of their minds, however, and they head east back through Rivendell and out the other side, in the foothills of the great Misty Mountains.   -As soon as they come out of the pass and into the mountains, they spot Gimli standing off next to a tent as if waiting for them. He notices them coming and says: "Ah, greetings! I didn't expect you three in these parts!"   -"We're hunting a Nazgul, Legolas told us it was in this area," says Lindonrow.   -"Well, I could help you with that if you like. I have a problem of my own though."   -"What's that?"   -"There's a camp full of goblins up in the hills near here. I'd like to clear them out, but I can't do it myself."   -"Well, we can kill the fuckers if you want."   -"That'd be great!"   -Gimli leads them towards the goblin camp.   -They barge into the goblin camp suddenly and with great violence, slaughtering the guards in only a few seconds. Those who don't die, scatter, leaving them victorious. Glorfindel sighs.   -As they walk through the camp, they see a dwarf tied up lying in the snow. He sees them and starts moving vigorously to get their attention. "Hello kinsman," says Gimli in greeting, "what are you doing here?"   -The dwarf explains that the goblins kidnapped him while he was traveling on the road, stole all his treasure, and broke his legs. If the four of them hadn't shown up, they likely would have killed him. When asked his name, he introduces himself as Vighar Stonewalker, prompting Isengriff to snicker and say: "They're gonna have to change your name now!"   -"Yeah," says Lindonrow, "maybe Vighar Nowalker!"   -Gimli shares an embarrassed look with Vighar and asks him what they can do to help. Vighar says: "I just want my treasure back! And to go home… but the treasure first!"   -Gimli insists that they help his new dwarven friend, so Isengriff and Lindonrow search all up and down the abandoned goblin camp until they find a large chest full of gold ingots. They consider stealing it before remembering that they already have plenty of stolen gold and don't really need any more at the moment, so they bring it back to Vighar.   -By the time they return, Vighar is growing delirious from pain and exhaustion. In his addled state, he says; "Gold… good… but what about… second treasure?"   -"I don't think they've heard of second treasure," says Gimli.   -"What about… goldevensies? Moneyeon?"   -"Nope, I don't think they've heard of those either… you should get some rest."   -Gimli explains that second treasure is a think in dwarf culture, where all dwarves have a primary treasure and a secondary treasure. Apparently, Vighar must have lost his second treasure as well so they are forced to go back out and search for that as well, to their annoyance.   -They are unable to find the gold despite searching for well over an hour, so they start ranging further afield until they come across what appears to be some sort of town carved out of the stone. They find it to be populated entirely by dwarves, who watch them with unfriendly eyes but say nothing.   -As they wander the streets, Lindonrow spots a wooden chest that says: "VIGHAR'S SECOND TREASURE" lying on the ground surrounded by armed dwarves.   -"Hey," he says, "give us that treasure!"   -"Not on your life, knife-ears!"   -"Hand it over, now!"   -The dwarves put their hands on their weapons, clearly not intending to do anything of the sort, so Lindonrow attacks them. A massive brawl ensues, at the close of which the entire population of the town lies dead. Isengriff and Lindonrow, high on murder, start looking for more victims and accidentally wander into some sort of ancient dwarven burial mound.   -Inside the mound is a single dwarf in shining armor. As they walk in, stained with dwarven blood, he shouts: "Defilers! Poisoners! We see you, we know your foul intent. This burial mound must remain as it is… and you must die!"   -Isengriff grabs the dwarven warrior and runs him through atop the casket of his grandfather. The two adventurers high-five, then remember that the whole reason they came to this place was to get some treasure. They clean the blood off and grab Vighar's Second Treasure, then return to their companions.   -Vighar takes heart at the sight of his second treasure and seems to gain a second wind, saying: "Thank you, friends. Now I must return to my home. It is just a short distance away, I can lead you there if you carry me."   -Glorfindel carries Vighar as he gives them directions. It soon becomes awkwardly clear to Isengriff and Lindonrow that the place he is leading them is actually the place they just slaughtered, but they both decide it would probably be better not to say anything about that.   -They enter the town. At first Vighar is confused, wondering where all his friends and family are. Then, he sees the battlefield. He begins tearing at his hair and wailing in emotional agony, causing Glorfindel to let him down gently to the ground where he begins to sob.   -"Who could have done this?" asks Gimli.   -"It must have been goblins!" replies Lindonrow.   -"Yeah," says Isengriff hastily, "that's the only explanation!"   -"You must be right. Only goblins could be so barbaric as this. I'm afraid we have to postpone our Nazgul hunt for a bit lads. We've got goblins to kill."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow nod enthusiastically, glad that no one seems to suspect them of anything. Once Vighar is done crying, they leave the dead town to hunt some gobbies.   -Gimli tells them of a place near here that his father once visited called 'Goblin Town'. Apparently, it is exactly what it sounds like, a town full of goblins. Very likely, it is the place from which the goblin raiders who destroyed the village hail. His plan is to wait by the entrance until the warband returns and kill them outside the town, but Isengriff and Lindonrow veto this and choose to instead charge into the town and kill every goblin they can see. Gimli goes along with this, hoping to see if they are really as tough as they make out to be.   -As it happens, they are. As soon as Gimli points out the entrance to the cave where Goblin Town is located, they run in. Glorfindel shrugs his shoulders and follows a moment later, with Gimli in back still carrying Vighar.   -Hundreds of goblins fall as they carve a path through the tunnels. Midway through, Isengriff starts making long-winded speculations on goblin culture and hierarchy, delving deep into what he perceives to be the underlying causes behind their problems as a people, the core ethos which drives them to acts of cruel violence. He doesn't really give a shit about any of it, but it annoys Vighar and Gimli, which amuses him.   -Finally, they reach a large wooden door- odd, considering how deep underground they are- Gimli seems to recognize it, saying: "This door… my father told me of it. It leads into the throne room of the Great Goblin."   -"The who?" says Lindonrow   -"The Great Goblin. The leader of all the wild goblins of the Misty Mountains. The last one died over sixty years ago now. It'll probably be empty in there."   -"Sounds badass, let's check it out."   -They open the doors and immediately are greeted by a large group of goblins led by one immensely fat goblin sitting on a throne who says: "I am the Great Goblin! Kneel before me!"   -"No," says Gimli, "this cannot be! The line of Great Goblins was broken!"   -"It has been reforged! Prepare to die, smooth skins!"   -Isengriff cuts the Great Goblin's head off without much fanfare. Gimli wipes his brow in relief and says: "Whew. For a moment there I thought we were in trouble. Looks like the Great Goblin is well and truly gone…"   -As he says this, one of the Great Goblin's retainers goes over to his late lord's body and picks up his crown from the floor, putting it on his own head and declaring: "I am the new Great Goblin! Bow before me!"   -"No…NOOO!" yells Gimli. Lindonrow cuts off the new Great Goblin's head.   -Gimli wipes his brow again, but before he can express relief a third goblin takes the throne and his summarily executed. This continues on until finally Lindonrow walks over to the nearest goblin and whispers: "Hey. Just wait for us to leave, OK?"   -The goblin nods its head in understanding and leaves the crown on the floor. Isengriff pats Gimli on the back and says: "See! They're scared now. No more Great Goblin."   -"That's a relief…"   -"Now let's get the fuck out of here."   -"Yeah… we should."   -They leave the throne-room. Lindonrow leaves last, and as the doors close behind him he can faintly hear a goblin say: "I am the Great Goblin!" from behind them. They hurry on out of the cave.   -Satisfied that vengeance has been gotten, Gimli leads them to the nearest dwarven village where they drop of Vighar. Once that is taken care of, he says: "Well… we should probably get back to that Nazgul."   -"Oh right! The Nazbol! I forgot about that," says Isengriff   -"Nazgul."   -"What?"   -"Never mind. That delay cost us time, but we should still be able to catch up with it if we hurry."   -Gimli leads them on the trail of the Nazgul. Isengriff and Lindonrow don't understand how he manages to find the trail, and frankly none of the signs he finds mean anything to them, but eventually they end up outside an imposing stone structure dug into the side of a hill. Gimli says: "I believe that he went into these ruins, and didn't come back out again. Unless he left through another door, I think our guy is in there."   -"Sweet," says Lindonrow, "let's go rip his head off."   -They head into the tunnel. A couple of turns in the hallway later, they find themselves face-to-face with the Nazgul once more. Oddly, he is sitting on a stone bench and- despite the fact that he has no visible mouth- smoking a pipe. When he sees them enter, he gets up quickly and says: "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."   -"Speak English!" yells Lindonrow   -"Fine," it says, switching without any hesitation, "what do you want?"   -"Um, well, we were going to kill you."   -"Why?"   -"Well, because you're a friend of Sauron's, I suppose."   -"You fools dare oppose Sauron?!"   -"Yep. We're heading to Mordor after we finish with you to go beat him up and leave him in a ditch."   -"Idiots… Sauron is not in Mordor!"   -"What? Everybody said he was in Mordor!"   -"Hahahaha, they were wrong! He is in Angmar!"   -"Why?"   -"Uh…"   -"I know," says Isengriff, "he must be hiding from us!"   -"N… no, that's not it at all! He doesn't fear you!"   -"Looks like he does, bitch. Well you spoiled his little plan, bud, because now we know where he is and we're just going to go to Angmar instead!"   -"You cannot defeat Sauron!"   -"Watch us!"   -Lindonrow walks up to the Nazgul and punches him in the face. To his mild surprise, it connects solidly instead of passing through like you'd expect from a wraith. The Nazgul grunts in pain and stumbles back, then lifts its arms over its head and says: "You cannot defeat me! I return to Angmar now!"   -There is a bright flash and when they can see again the Nazgul is gone, with only a set of empty black robes left behind in a pile on the floor. Isengriff stamps his foot in annoyance but says: "Well, we'll just have to go to Angmar and get him."   -"Yeah," says Lindonrow, "not to mention Sauron. It'll be like a two for one special."   -They leave the ruins and head back to Rivendell to tell the rest of the Fellowship what they learned. It doesn't take them long to find Gandalf, who is sitting in his room as if waiting for them. He has a black eye.   -"Gandy," says Isengriff, "guess what?"   -"What?" replies the wizard.   -"Sauron isn't in Mordor, he's in Angmar!"   -"You don't say? How did you come to that conclusion?"   -"We beat up this Nazgul and he told us everything. Hey, why do you have a black eye?"   -"Fell down the stairs. Well, if Sauron is in Angmar that should make it easier for us to sneak into Mordor with the ring."   -"What are you talking about? Why would we go to Mordor if Sauron isn't there? We should go to Angmar. Um… where is Angmar, anyway?"   -"North. And we're still going to Mordor, the ring must be destroyed or Sauron can never truly be defeated."   -"Sounds like quitter talk to me. We're going to Angmar."   -"Alright… but the Fellowship cannot go with you."   -"But Gandy…"   -"We can't take the Ring into Angmar, that would be too dangerous!"   -"Fine, whatever. We didn't need your help Gandy."   -"I'm certain you don't."   -"But… can you wait for us here until you get back? I mean, we still want to go to Mordor with you guys…"   -"Sure. We'll go to Mordor and throw the ring in to Mount Doom after you two have 'killed Sauron'."   "Three, sir," interjects Glorfindel, "I would be honored to join Isengriff and Lindonrow on their quest."   -"Dude," says Lindonrow, "your totally invited. But there's actually gonna be four. You forgot about Captain Shire!"   -"Captain Shire," says Gandalf, "is not fit for travel! He has only just recently gained the strength to leave his room on his own!"   -"He's tough," says Isengriff, "he can handle it."   -The composition of their party now settled, Isengriff and Lindonrow inform Captain Shire of the plan and prepare to leave.   -----   -That night, Gandalf calls another meeting of the Fellowship of the Ring.   -"The fools," he begins, "do not suspect a thing. They will be on their way to Angmar within a couple of days, I expect."   -"Good," says Aragorn, "then we are free to leave ourselves without their interference. It will take at least a month for them to realize Sauron isn't really in Angmar."   -"Yes, we have time. We would have had more, if someone hadn't gotten distracted killing goblins for a few days…"   -Gandalf looks pointedly at Gimli as he says this, who replies sheepishly: "Sorry about that, I just got caught up in the moment. And sorry about the black eye, I didn't think they'd just punch you like that."   -"Well, it's nothing. All that matters is that we are finally free of those two morons."   -They all toast to being rid of Isengriff and Lindonrow.   -----   -The four of them set out from Rivendell as soon as possible, travelling west through the Trollshaws and the Lone-Lands the way they came. Thankfully, this time they are able to make it throw without any major difficulties (a couple trolls and some orcs, but they cut those down without even stopping).   -As they are walking along the road near Weathertop, Isengriff hears something off in the distance. Strangely, it sounds a bit like music. He is so surprised by this that he tells everyone to stop and says: "Did you hear that?"   -Captain Shire shakes his head sullenly, but Glorfindel says: "I think I did… was it music?"   -Isengriff, Lindonrow, and Glorfindel begin straining their ears, hoping to catch another wisp of music carried on the wind. After a moment, they hear it again. This time they can all tell that it is clearly coming from Weathertop. They stand there for a second before Lindonrow remembers their conversation with Radagast back in Ost Guruth.   -"No way," he says excitedly, "did they take our suggestion?"   -"There's only one way to find out dude," replies Isengriff, immediately setting off towards Weathertop.   "What are you doing?" asks Captain Shire affrontedly, "we can't waste time chasing after music!"   -"Don't worry Cap, this is important to our mission."   -Glorfindel shrugs, perfectly happy to go along with Isengriff and Lindonrow on this one. As they climb the mountain they explain to him the concept of a music festival. He is immediately intrigued by it.   -When they crest the summit of the mountain, they are immediately greeted by a wave of sound. The summit is absolutely packed with people of all races- men, hobbits, elves, dwarves, all cheering for the small group of musicians currently playing a song very loudly on their instruments. One of them is singing.   -As they enter, an elf with one eye standing near the back of the crowd notices them and detaches himself form the group to greet them, saying: "Welcome to Weatherstock, travelers! My name is Agie, I'm sort of the organizer for the event."   -"Weatherstock? You even used the name? Badass," says Lindonrow.   -"What do you mean?"   -"You used the name we came up with! I must say I'm impressed at how quickly you got all this set up…"   -"Your name? But… Radagast was the one who told me about the idea, right before he went home to Rhosgobel."   -"Yeah dude, but we were the ones who told Radagast about the idea."   -"Hmmm," Agie looks as if he is considering whether this might be true, "well, Radagast did tell me that he got the idea from some travelers… sounds legit! Looks like we got some new VIPs!"   -Agie yells to some of the volunteers in charge of ale and pipeweed distribution to give Isengriff, Lindonrow, and their companions as much as they want. He also hands them two golden medals inscribed with the words "WEATHERSTOCK WAYFARER" at the top and "VIP" at the bottom. He thanks them one more time for the idea before disappearing into the crowd, evidently needing to deal with some issue elsewhere in the festival.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow manage to stake out a small spot near the front of the crowd where they set up a tent (given to them by the supply people) and begin gorging themselves on whatever the event organizers will feed them- ale, pipeweed, muffins, and all sorts of other foods. After their first couple of requests the organizers simply assign a dedicated volunteer to help them with whatever they need. He's a chipper little hobbit dressed all in yellow named Bilwise, who gladly helps them with all their requests. Isengriff and Lindonrow quite like him.   -The festival goes on for over a week, with music playing 24/7. It's actually rather hard to sleep, a fact which Captain Shire complains about constantly. Many, many bands play during this time but eventually Isengriff and Lindonrow settle on their top five favorite- The Gallic Frogs Band, Galdwen's Bunch of Misfits, The Stoors, The Mardi Gras Party Band, and The Tones.   -Of all the bands, there is only one that they hate. They call themselves the Playwrights of Eldamar and they are entirely made up of elves. For the hour that they are allotted to play, they sing only traditional elven songs. Isengriff and Lindonrow are not alone in booing loudly. Eventually Agie himself comes over, clearly worried that his most important attendees will be displeased with the show.   -He explains: "Hey guys don't worry, I know they're bad. You see, I deliberately sprinkled in a couple of shitty bands amongst the rest to change things up."   -"Wow," says Isengriff, "good idea!"   -"Thank you. Unfortunately, this is actually the only one. I used to have two shitty bands but the other one got arrested back in the Shire."   -"Really?"   -"Yeah, there was this crazy hobbit cop and her braindead dwarven partner. Just straight up arrested the band."   -"Hobbits have cops? I thought it was a utopia!"   -"Not since Mayor Whitfoot got elected… anyway, I gotta go!"   -The festival continues. Eventually, some random partygoers come over to their tent and drunkenly offer them music lessons in return for some pipeweed. Isengriff and Lindonrow agree heartily and their new friends start teaching them. The one teaching Isengriff is apparently a bagpipe player, the one teaching Lindonrow is skilled in the drums. They play quietly for a while (not wanting to interrupt Weatherstock) and eventually Isengriff and Lindonrow feel like they've both got their new instruments down well enough for a single day's training. They buy the new instruments from the partygoers for yet more pipeweed.   -As they are hanging out listening to some sweet jams, they notice Agie once again walking towards them. They wave at him and he returns the gesture before reaching them and saying: "Friends, I have a bit of a problem."   -"What's that?" says Isengriff with a slight drunken slur.   -"Well, I just received word that the hillmen of Garth Agarwen are organizing a warband to come raid our festival!"   -"No way, that's lame as hell!"   -"Indeed. I expect they heard about all the ale and food we have and want a piece of it, but if they show up here they will totally ruin the vibe. Weatherstock would be ruined!"   -"Damn," says Lindonrow, "do you want us to help with that?"   -"I was hoping you might… if you could kill those savages for me it would be a great help. You'd be even more VIPs than you already are!"   -"I say we kill these barbarians," says Glorfindel. "It has been too long since my blade tasted blood."   -"Same," says Isengriff. "Yeah we'll go. I'm a little drunk though…"   -"That'll just make it more interesting," replies Lindonrow.   -Agie gives them a map of the area and they head north towards Garth Agarwen. It isn't far, but unfortunately the area around the town is covered by a reeking, stagnant bog. Even worse, the water there is blood-red. As they are walking through it disgustedly, Isengriff asks: "Why is the water here red anyway? Is it actually blood?"   -"I don't know," replies Lindonrow. "It doesn't smell like blood. Maybe it just has some crazy swamp diseases in it."   -"That's possible. We should do an experiment to make sure. Who wants to volunteer?"   -"I vote Captain Shire," says Lindonrow.   -Before anyone can react, Isengriff shoves Captain Shire into one of the stagnant pools. The Captain is taken so by surprise that he immediately begins choking and flailing without any grace. Slowly but surely, he begins to sink.   -"Do you see any bacteria?" yells Isengriff to the drowning man.   -Captain Shire's efforts to escape the pool begin to weaken. Finally, he goes still   -"Looks like he fell asleep on the job!" says Lindonrow. "Disgraceful."   -They pull Captain Shire out of the pool, reprimanding him for his laziness. He begins coughing and spluttering as he comes back from the brink of death. Once he is mostly conscious, Isengriff asks: "Well, did you see any bacteria down there?"   -"Bacteria? I don't know what that means," says Captain Shire blearily, too tired from struggling to even be angry anymore.   -"Damn it," says Isengriff. "Looks like we'll have to do this experiment the slow way. Glorfindel, I want you to start taking notes of Captain Shire's condition. If he has any crazy swamp diseases I want to hear about it!"   -"Good plan," says Lindonrow. "But we have to start with a hypothesis. All good scientific experiments do that."   -"True, true. Ok, my hypothesis is that Captain Shire has malaria."   -"Solid. One problem though."   -"What's that?"   -"I don't think they have any poster boards on this planet. How are we going to display our findings at the science fair?"   -"Hmmm… good point. I don't think they even have science fairs here to be honest."   -"Yeah…"   -"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, let's just make sure we collect all the data. Can you do that for us Glorfindel?"   -"Uh, sure…" says the high elf.   -"Great!"   -They continue on through the swamp towards Garth Agarwen.   -Eventually they find their destination. Garth Agarwen is a large stone fortress that might have once been impressive… except it has fallen into ruin and a significant portion is sunk into the swamp. Clearly these hillmen haven't been doing a great job of maintaining the place.   -They charge in and begin cutting their way through surprised hillmen. After killing a few, Isengriff happens to glance at once of the corpses and sees that a portion of the man's face looks semi-decayed, as if he was suffering from some sort of terrible necrotizing disease. They check a few more corpses and are surprised to find that a large portion of the hillmen seem to be suffering from this ailment. Luckily, Glorfindel is immune from most diseases (being a high elf) and Isengriff and Lindonrow morphed their bodies long ago to have extremely powerful immune systems, so only Captain Shire has to worry about catching anything. Isengriff and Lindonrow aren't too miffed about this, because they both have a growing suspicion that whatever this disease is, he probably already caught it back out in the swamp.   -They continue slaughtering hillmen as they penetrate deeper into the fortress. Then, they hear something strange up ahead.   -"Help! Help!" someone is saying. It sounds like an old woman. They run around the corner and are surprised to see an old lady being chased around by two highly disease-ridden hillmen.   -"Strange," says Glorfindel. "Should we help her?"   -"Why?" says Isengriff.   -"Help! I just wanted to go to Weatherstock but I took a wrong turn and now I need help!"   -Realizing that the old lady is cool, Isengriff and Lindonrow rush to her aid and kill the hillmen. The old lady thanks them and introduces herself as Sara Heartapple. She then asks if they can guide her to Weatherstock. They agree, but not until they've finished off the hillmen.   -They keep on killing until they reach the center of the keep. There they are surprised to find an elf woman standing in front of the last remaining hillmen.   -"Stop!" she yells. "You must stop killing these people!"   -"Why would we do that?" says Lindonrow. "They were going to ruin Weatherstock!"   -"Ruin Weatherstock? What do you mean?"   -"Agie told us you were going to steal our food and pipeweed."   -"These people need that food, they cannot grow or hunt their own since the plague has struck them. And I needed the pipeweed to create a cure!"   -"Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me," says Isengriff.   -"You monsters! You value your music festival more than the lives of the innocent?"   -"Yeah." say Isengriff and Lindonrow at the same time.   -They move towards the hillmen to cut them down but she throws herself in front of them. They kill her and then finish off the hillmen anyway.   -"I'm not sure that was the right thing to do," says Glorfindel.   -"Do you want to kill Sauron or not?" replies Isengriff testily.   -Glorfindel shrugs his shoulders and they head back to Weathertop. Agie thanks them for their help and Myrtle goes to join the celebration. The rest of Weatherstock goes off without a hitch and Agie bids them farewell as they leave to continue their quest to Angmar.   -They begin heading northwest past the Shire and through the North Downs. Nothing of much note happens for about a week, causing Isengriff and Lindonrow to begin growing bored.   -Finally, Isengriff suggests they commit insurance fraud against the next person to cross their path as a way to break up the monotony. Lindonrow is on board so they get ready and sit by the road to wait. Glorfindel and Captain Shire have no idea what they are doing, but Glorfindel is happy to go along and Captain Shire has begun to suffer from a strange illness that causes him to gag and throw up all the time so he can't really complain effectively,   -Finally, they hear hoofbeats coming around the bend. Isengriff jumps onto the road as the horse gallops past, then begins to moan and yell in agony. Lindonrow jumps out as well and begins accosting the confused rider.   -"You could have killed him!" says Lindonrow.   -"What? I didn't even get close to him!" says the man.   -"You broke his arm!"   -"I did no… dear god!"   -Isengriff pulls his sleeve up to reveal a bloodied arm. It isn't his arm, and it isn't difficult to see that, but the fact that he's holding the arm of some dude they murdered earlier is enough to get a reaction out of the man.   -"What the hell is going on here?"   -"It's going to cost a shit-load to get that healed," says Lindonrow, "give us all the money in your purse or we're suing!"   -"Are you… robbing me?"   -"Don't be stupid, you're the bad guy here!"   -"I'm not giving you anything you bastards, get out of my way!"   -The man starts galloping away, but Lindonrow yells: "Get him, Glorfindel!" and the elf-lord jumps out of the bushes where he's been waiting and tackles the man to the ground.   -"You hurt my friend you scum!" says Glorfindel as he holds the man at sword point.   -Lindonrow taps Glorfindel on the shoulder, getting his attention, then Isengriff stabs the man in the throat with a knife and drops the knife on the man's chest, saying: "Holy shit Glorfindel, that guy nearly stabbed you! Look at the knife!"   -Glorfindel turns to see the obviously staged murder scene and says: "Oh my, that was close. I owe you my life."   -"Ah, it's nothing buddy."   -"He's ly-" begins Captain Shire before being cut off by a fit of vomiting.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow take all the money off the corpse and they continue on their way. Only a few minutes later, however, they see a sign off in the distance saying: "SPOOKY SHIRE, 2 LEAGUES" on it.   -"Looks like a tourist trap," says Lindonrow.   -"Yeah," says Isengriff. "You know what that means?"   -"Somewhere to spend all our insurance money?"   -"You know it!"   -They head off to Spooky Shire. Glorfindel is confused because he thought Isengriff was legitimately injured, but they assure him that fun is the best medicine and his arguments subside.   -They approach Spooky Shire and are surprised to find that from a distance it looks just like any hobbit village back in the Shire. They grow more excited to visit and start walking towards it, but then they hear music coming from a nearby hill and make a detour to see what's up.   -To their surprise, it looks like a whole festival is going on. Not as big as Weatherstock to be sure, but still a decent sized gathering is there listening to various bands playing music. Even more surprising is that Agie himself is also there overseeing events. They walk over to him and say hello.   -"You're here for the Halloween Festival?" says Agie.   -"No, we were actually just in the area," says Isengriff. "But we can always make a little time for a festival!"   -"Great! Have some Pumpkin Spice Pipeweed on me."   -"Wait a second," says Lindonrow as he begins to smoke. "Halloween was months ago!"   -"It's always Halloween in Spooky Shire," says a voice at his waist.   -Lindonrow turns suddenly to see a strangely dressed hobbit standing next to him. His clothing is all leather and he's wearing a mask that covers most of his face, causing him to look like nothing more than a gimp. Lindonrow decides it must be some strange Halloween costume and doesn't question it.   -"What do you mean?" says Isengriff.   -"Go to Spooky Shire, you will understand…" says the Gimp Hobbit cryptically.   -They look down into the village. Agie nods at them to go, so they head down into Spooky Shire to see what's up. As soon as they enter the town limits, the sky goes from bright daylight to a dark, foggy night. They can hear music off in the distance similarly to the Shire, but this is a far more spooky version of the tune.   -A hobbit with a pumpkin mask runs up to them and says: "Wait, you need Halloween costumes!" and holds out a basket full of clothes to try on.   -Eventually Isengriff and Lindonrow settle on two pairs of crudely made armor clearly meant to look like that worn by orcs. To them, though, it looks like it came out of a movie they once saw called 'Mad Max'   -"These are the sickest Mad Max costumes I've ever seen," says Isengriff   -"But… that's an orc costume. What's Mad Max?" says the hobbit.   -"You wouldn't get it," says Lindonrow.   -The hobbit asks them for to pay an entrance fee to go any further, which they happily oblige to by giving her some of the money they've stolen in their travels through Middle-Earth.   -There are a ton of fun Halloween activities to do around the village, including a Spooky Corn Maze (it's actually made of Wheat, but Isengriff and Lindonrow insist on calling it a Corn Maze) which they get lost in for a few hours, a Spooky Pumpkin throwing contest (Isengriff and Lindonrow can't agree on who won), and a myriad of Spooky Halloween Ales. The hobbit in charge of the ale insists that something called the 'Fog Nog' is the best they have so Isengriff and Lindonrow purchase a pint each and chug it all. It tastes like alcoholic egg nog, but there is something else there as well…   -Suddenly, Isengriff and Lindonrow start seeing horrible visions in their peripheral vision. Lindonrow thinks he sees a ghost walking towards them menacingly, Isengriff sees a pumpkin begin to dance spookily. They scream and run around in circles until they fall into a pond and are sobered up. A nearby hobbit points and laughs at them, saying: "We spike the Fog Nog with hallucinogenic mushrooms! Hahaha!"   -"Why would you do that?" says Isengriff.   -"It makes everything spookier!"   -"Normally I would be mad that someone spiked my drink like that," says Lindonrow. "But I'm impressed by your dedication."   -They continue doing random things around Spooky Shire. Suddenly, to their absolute horror, they hear a high pitched voice saying: "Halloween? That's the stupidest holiday I've ever heard of."   -"Oh come on," says another voice sadly. "It's a good holiday, you just need to get into the spirit Berilac! Come on, let's do the corn maze."   -"Go do it yourself, Dinodad," says Berilac. "I'm leaving."   -Dinodad runs away crying. Isengriff turns to Lindonrow and says: "You thinking what I'm thinking?"   -"Oh yeah," says Lindonrow.   -They walk up to Berilac, throw him to the ground, and begin curbstomping him on the hard-packed soil. His screams echo around them, but everyone seems to think that this is just part of the special effects and they are not interrupted.   -They wipe the blood of their shoes and spit on the corpse before going over to the final, most spooky location of them all: The Spooky Shire Spooky Haunted House. They go inside and are thoroughly spooked by fake ghosts, spiders, and the maze-like layout of the structure. Eventually they manage to find their way out and ask a nearby hobbit if there is anything else they can do.   -"Nope," says the hobbit. "It looks like you have scoured Spooky Shire of all activities."   -"Wow, this really was the Scouring of Spooky Shire," says Lindonrow.   -They pick up Captain Shire and Glorfindel, who are both still stuck in the maze, and leave Spooky Shire. They look for Agie on the way out, but apparently the festival ended in the past few hours and everyone is gone. Their spooky Halloween mission completed, they continue on for Angmar.   -----   -Halbbo, Romalda, and Hal are walking down the road. They crossed the border out of the Shire a few days back, and according to Hal they are nearing the small town of Trestlebridge, which sits on the southern side of a deep canyon carved by the Trestle River. This canyon marks the border of the North Downs proper and the only way to cross it is via the Trestlespan, a large bridge from which the town takes its name. Hal speculates that they will be able to get a lead here, since Rollo Maggot must have passed through the town if he was headed north. Hopefully, someone saw him and took note of his passing.   -When they come to the town, however, they are shocked to see that a large portion of it is burned down and dried blood stains the cobbled streets. Hal observes this in silence before saying: "This likely has something to do with our killer. We should speak to Captain Trotter."   -"Who?" says Romalda with annoyance, sensing that her place as leader of this group is slowly being usurped by Hal now that they are no longer in the Shire and not liking it one bit.   -"He is the captain of the guard here, I have talked with him on occasion while on patrol in these parts. He will be able to tell us what has happened here and help us on our way, if anyone can."   -They look for Captain Trotter and find him overseeing some construction workers repairing a house. He turns as they approach and says: "Is that you Hal? You're a sight for sore eyes."   -"What happened here?" replies Hal.   -"It all happened a couple of days ago. Everyone was waking up and going about their morning business when a hobbit came running into town. He looked nervous so one of my guards started questioning him to see what was wrong. But then the most horrible thing happened…"   -"Did he spit black acid in the guard's face?" asks Romalda.   -"Yes, actually, how did you know?"   -"We've been hunting this hobbit down," says Halbbo. "His name is Rollo Maggot and he's a murderer."   -"Hmmm… well then it would interest you to know what happened next. After he spat on the guard's face he let out a terrible screech. Suddenly, feral looking men and women ran out of the trees and started spitting on people and hacking away at them with crude weapons. The worst part though? Some of the townsfolk joined them! Only a couple, but these were men I had known for years… they just started spitting up the acid same as the rest. It was horrible."   -"This is dire news," says Hal. "One of these creatures was bad enough, but now there are multiple? How many were there?"   -"Not too many, about fifteen in all. Once the guards came out we were able to drive them off, although someone started a fire in the chaos. They crossed the bridge and headed north, to where I do not know."   -They thank him for his information. Romalda is in favor of heading north immediately, but Hal insists that they stay for a while and help the people of Trestlebridge recover from the attack. Halbbo agrees with him and Romalda is unwilling to go on alone, so she finds herself outvoted. This angers her greatly.   -Hal heads off into the wilds to fetch some herbs that will help heal the wounded, meanwhile Romalda and Halbbo run off to help the construction workers. This takes the entire day, but eventually Hal returns and they all agree that they should not delay any further. Captain Trotter thanks them for their help and wishes them luck on their hunt for the strange, acid-spitting creatures.   -They travel north up the road for a time before reaching a fork where the road splits into one heading northwest, and another heading east. They stop here to decide their course.   -"If we travel east we will enter the land of Meluinen. It is sparsely inhabited, but relatively peaceful. If we go northwest we will come to the city of Fornost. It is a fell place. Once it was the capital of my peoples' kingdom, but it has long fallen into ruins and is inhabited only by wraiths."   -"Well," says Romalda, "I say we go east then."   -"Yeah, that Fornost place sounds scary," says Halbbo.   -"Actually, I believe it would be wiser to go to Fornost," says Hal. "It is a dangerous place, but these creatures of darkness would be at home there. I can see no reason for them to travel to Meluinen."   -Romalda begins gathering herself for an argument, but before she can say anything Hal continues: "But in all honesty, I think it would be best if you two did not continue at all."   -"WHAT?" says Romalda, finally letting loose her anger at Hal's usurpation of control from her.   -"You are good travelling companions," Hal says insincerely. "But Fornost… like I said, it is a fell place. I would not have your deaths on my conscience, and I fear that is what would await you there."   -"Well then it's a good thing we're not going to Fornost, isn't it?" says Romalda angrily. "We're going east, to Meluinen! I am sure that's where the serial killer went.   -"I agree with Romalda," says Halbbo. "I don't want to go to Fornost."   -"See? If you don't wanna travel with us Hal then you can go to Fornost on your own, but we're going east, end of story!" says Romalda as she begins to stomp off down the east road. Halbbo follows her.   -Hal hesitates for a minute, unsure of what he should do. On one hand, he is fairly confident that the serial killer went to Fornost. On the other hand, based on past experience he has little confidence that Romalda and Halbbo will be able to survive out in the wilds. Meluinen may be safer than some lands, but wolves and goblins still roam here and there. Finally, with a sigh, he begins following them east.   -Along the road, they come across a small camp. Sitting near a tent is another ranger, who Hal recognizes as a man named Orphonn. The two greet each other and tell of their recent travels. When Orphonn hears of the strange bile-spitting creatures he agrees with Hal that they probably went to Fornost. Hal explains that he has to stay with Romalda and Halbbo but asks Orponn to go and keep an eye on Fornost for the time being. The other ranger agrees and turns to leave.   -As he is leaving, Romalda demands that he stays because there is definitely nothing at Fornost worth investigating. He looks down at her and says flatly: "I don't answer to you." before striding out into the wilds. Romalda fumes silently as they continue east.   -They spend the rest of the day travelling through Meluinen. Luckily they don't encounter anything dangerous and as day turns to night Hal says: "There is a small dwarf stronghold up ahead, name of Othrikar. We should stop there for the night. Perhaps we will meet some of your kin, Halbbo!"   -"What?" says Halbbo in confusion.   -"Your kin. Other dwarves of your clan, you know?'   -"Uh, I'm not a dwarf. I'm a hobbit. Why do people keep saying that I'm a dwarf?"   -"Halbbo… you have a beard and you are too tall to be a hobbit."   -"Shut up! I am a hobbit. Momma Proudfeet always told me I was, and she would never lie to me!"   -Hal decides not to press the issue any further, but they do head towards Othrikar.   -They reach the stronghold and enter through the main gates. As they are walking down the street looking for an inn, a number of dwarfs nod at Halbbo respectfully, causing him a great deal of confusion and annoyance.   -Suddenly, a deep dwarven voice calls out from their left: "Ormulf? Is that you? How have you been!"   -Everyone turns towards the dwarf that is now accosting them. He seems to be adressing Halbbo, a fact which doesn't really surprise Romalda or Hal but is causing Halbbo himself a great deal of confusion.   -"Uh," he says. "I think you've got me mistaken for someone else. My name's Halbbo, I'm a hobbit."   -"Eh? Well I'll be darned… yer the spittin' image of Ormulf! She should see this…"   -The dwarf tells them to wait there and runs off. A minute later he returns with another dwarf in toe. To everyone's surprise, this Ormulf is indeed almost identical in appearance to Halbbo himself- beard and all. Despite this, she uses female pronouns and is apparently a woman.   -"Oh my!" she says. "Is that really you Gumli… after all these years?"   -"What are you talking about?" says Halbbo with a growing seed of anger in his voice. "My name is Halbbo!"   -"No… you are Gumli. I would recognize my son anywhere! Years ago I gave birth to you, but I dropped you in the river. I thought you were dead…"   -"That's impossible! Mama Proudfeet raised me, she's my real mother!"   -Halbbo's mother attempts to touch his cheek, but he slaps her hand away and runs out of the town with panic in his eyes. Ormulf begins to cry.   -Hal and Romalda extricate themselves from the situation quietly and follow Halbbo out of the town. They spend that night camped out on the road.   -From there, they proceed to the ruins of Isteldin. Hal explains that there is a fairly large and permanent ranger outpost there where they can learn more about their enemy's movements. Of course, his true intention is to pass on the information about Rollo Maggot to his superiors so they can go to Fornost and do something about that, but in order to keep Romalda from disagreeing out of spite he keeps this information from her and frames it as merely a way to continue their investigation.   -Before long they reach their destination and are greeted by Hal's kinsmen. When he tells them a shortened version of their tale, the rangers direct the three of them to speak with Halbarad- a highly ranked ranger whom Hal is surprised to learn is in Isteldin at the moment.   -They head to Halbarad's headquarters. The man himself- a tall, regal looking fellow who looks around thirty years old- greets them and ushers them in. Hal attempts to tell him their tale, although he is frequently interrupted by Romalda much to everyone's annoyance.   -"Well," says Halbarad. "It seems clear to me that the enemy has gone to Fornost."   -"That's what I think too," says Hal. "My companions think… otherwise."   -"Fornost seems scary," says Halbbo. "I don't wanna go there."   -"Why does everyone here except for me have a name starting with Hal?" says Romalda.   -"I don't… how is that relevant?" replies Halbarad.   -"Never mind. The point is, we're not going to Fornost. I know that serial killer is around here somewhere. I can smell him…"   -"Uh… huh…"   -Hal and Halbarad exchange a look laden with meaning. Between this and the conversation, Halbarad is starting to get an idea of what the predicament is here, so he says: "Right… well, I think you're right Romalda. I actually received word not long ago that this serial killer has fled to the hill-lands east of Isteldin. You two should take Hal and deal with this."   -"See? At least someone acknowledges that I was right," says Romalda smugly.   -Hal looks at his leader with confusion in his eyes. Prompting Halbarad to say: "Romalda and Halbbo, can I speak with Hal alone for a moment?"   -"Why?" says Romalda suspiciously.   -"It's about… um, the Ranger Festival next week. We need to make plans. You wouldn't be interested."   -"Oh, alright then."   -Romalda and Halbbo leave the room, giving Hal the opportunity to say to Halbarad: "Why? You know this is a waste of time."   -"Yes, it is. But we need to distract those two while we do the real investigation in Fornost. You know as well as I do that if we don't give that Romalda something to chase after she'll do something dangerous and get herself killed. I need you to keep them safe and far away from the action, as it were."   -"Alright… but why me?"   -"They know you Hal, it would seem suspicious if I replaced you with someone else. You are the only one who can do this."   -Hal agrees reluctantly. The next day the three of them head east into the hills on this wild-goose chase. Unbeknownst to Halbbo and Romalda, the rangers of Isteldin head in the opposite direction not long after.   -They spend a couple of days trekking through the wilderness. Hal explains that this region is home to a strange and reclusive people known as the 'Earth-Kin'. Apparently they are fairly friendly and they keep orcs and other foul creatures out of the hills, but they are rarely seen by travelers as they are few in number.   -As he says this, Halbbo points at a nearby hill and says: "Look, it's the Earth-Kin!"   -Sure enough, they've come across one of the Earth-Kin strongholds. Hal shakes his head at the strange luck of it.   -Naturally, they head towards it and are greeted by the strange inhabitants. The Earth-Kin are tall as trolls, but far thinner and with more human proportions. Their skin is a dull grey and they have a vaguely sickly look, but they are friendly enough. Their leader is called Elder Tahvo.   -"What is UP!" says Tahvo when they greet him.   -"Uh, we are just traveling through these lands, Elder, and thought to greet you," says Hal hesitantly, surprised by the Elder's loud and boisterous tone.   -"That's cap. Hey, I'm hungry. Go find me a cow."   -Seeing an opportunity to waste time, Hal agrees to obtain a cow for the Elder. The three of them leave the stronghold and begin wandering the hills until, somewhat surprisingly, they spot a cow chewing on some grass nearby. Without wasting time on discussion, Romalda throws her spear at it and kills it.   -They walk up to the cow and look down at it. As Romalda takes her spear back, an Earth-Kin comes barging through the trees at them yelling: "You killed me cow! How dare you!"   -Seeing that this is probably not going to go well for them, Romalda orders Halbbo to pick up the dead cow and they make a run for it back to the stronghold where they can smooth things over with Elder Tahvo. By the time they reach their destination, Halbbo feels like he is having a heart attack from the strain of carrying a dead cow for miles on end while sprinting for his life. He sinks to the ground and begins breathing heavily as Romalda and Hal talk to Elder Tahvo.   -Tahvo eats the cow quickly and says: "That was a good cow. Where'd you find it?"   -"Uh, well, there was a bit of an issue with that," says Hal. "We found it wandering in the woods, but apparently it belonged to someone… they didn't seem happy that we killed it."   -"Hmmm…. Must have been one of those Rauta-Leemus. They own a ton of cows."   -"The who?"   -"Another tribe. They are cultureless dogs. In fact, now that you remind me of it I think we should go to war with them."   -"What??"   -"Yeah, we're gonna go fuck 'em up. You wanna help?"   -"Well… I'm not sure if that's really our battle…"   -"Sounds like Rauta-Leemu sympathizer talk to me," says the Elder with a hint of anger in his voice. The surrounding Earth-Kin hold their weapons slightly more aggressively. Seeing this, Hal says: "Ok, ok. We'll come with."   -"Good."   -Elder Tahvo's entire tribe heads out immediately for the Rauta-Leemu stronghold. A horrific battle ensues, with neither side giving any quarter. The three travelers stay close to Elder Tahvo and try to avoid killing anyone.   -Finally, the battle reaches the center of the stronghold where the Rauta-Leemu leader is waiting for them.   -"Elder Tahvo," says the enemy elder. "Why are you killing my people?"   -"Our tribes have been enemies for centuries, Jai-me."   -"Yes, but Elder Tahvo… I've always loved you secretly!"   -"Really?"   -"Yes."   -"That's weird, because I always loved you too."   -Elder Tahvo and Elder Jai-me begin making out on the spot. Hal finally throws up his hands and says: "Right, we're leaving."   -They leave the Earth-Kin to do… whatever it is they're doing and head back out into the hills to search for something less weird.   -A few hours later they come across a strange elf sitting by a tree. As they approach, the elf says: "Hello travelers, can you fetch me a cow?"   -"W… what?" says Hal incredulously, feeling his sanity slowly slipping away.   -"I am hungry, I need a cow."   -"Nope, we're going back to Isteldin. I'm sick of this place."   -The three of them leave the strange elf and head back to Isteldin. To Hal's surprise, the camp is still empty. Considering that it has now been a few days since they left, he had expected that Halbarad and the others would have resolved the issue and been back by now.   -"They must be at Fornost," he says.   -"Those idiots, I told them not to go there!" replies Romalda.   -"Romalda… we need to go help them, there's no telling what trouble they could be in!"   -"I don't wanna!" say both Romalda and Halbbo at the same time.   -Thinking quickly, Hal says: "Well… if you go with me to Fornost I promise you the rangers will do everything you say from then on until we find the serial killer."   -Romalda, in her bossiness, cannot resist this offer and agrees to go to Fornost- but only after insisting that the serial killer is not there.   -They head to the ruins of Fornost. As they approach the old capital, the sun begins to set. At around nightfall, Hal spots the ranger camp a few thousand feet from the walls and leads them there.   -Halbarad greets them and explains that they have sent five scouts into the city, but only one has returned. Unfortunately, the only survivor (named Colbert) seems to have gone completely mad from whatever he saw in the city.   -They walk up to the madman to give him a look. He is sitting at a campfire whispering and as Romalda leans in closer she can hear that he is saying: "Hey do… merry do…" over and over again along with some other similar gibberish.   -Romalda slaps the insane man and says: "Tell us what you know! Snap out of it!"   -The man begins to cry. Romalda winds up to continue her 'interrogation' but Hal grabs her and pulls her away.   -"Anyway…" says Halbarad. "We are planning to make an attack on the city tomorrow at noon. It seems that only a full assault will have a chance of success."   -"Attacking at noon?" says Romalda incredulously. "That's stupid! If you want to surprise an enemy, you attack them at night while they're sleeping!"   -"Romalda… these aren't l-"   -He never manages to finish that sentence, because Romalda has already begun walking towards the city walls yelling for everyone to follow her. Halbbo, Halbarad, and Hal all look at each other and sigh.   -Halbarad sounds the attack, unwilling to let Romalda go into the city alone to be killed. The rangers break camp and charge at the city.   -To everyone's surprise, as they begin rushing through the gates they are met with no resistance. At first Romalda feels vindicated- clearly, there is nothing here and the serial killer is elsewhere… then, just as the last ranger enters the city, a great mass of people rushes out from the various homes near the gate and falls upon their smaller force from all sides.   -"It's a trap!" yells Halbarad as he attempts to cut one down.   -These new foes are a diverse bunch- hobbits, dwarves, humans, and even orcs and goblins are all present. Some of them look almost normal, others seem decayed and ancient. The only thing they all have in common is the fact that their eyes have been gouged out and their mouths are open unnaturally wide in a rictus grin of twisted glee mixed with pain and rage. As they attack, they begin wailing in a piercingly high tone, causing a few rangers to drop their weapons and put hands to ears to keep the sound out.   -Most, however, keep their wits and a brutal battle ensues. Halbarad quickly picks up on the fact that these horrors are vulnerable to fire, and the rangers begin utilizing their torches to fight them off.   -The battle is rough, and slowly the ranger force fractures and splits into a number of smaller forces running around the ancient ruins looking for a way out. Hal, Romalda, and Halbbo manage to stay together, but they are separated from their allies and forced to hide in a small ruined home as the horrifying creatures run hither and thither outside looking for humans to kill.   -Hal peeks outside to make sure no one has seen them. Meanwhile, Romalda and Halbbo are panting on the floor, exhausted from their flight and terrified at what they have witnessed. Nevertheless, when Hal turns towards Romalda and says: "Alright, we can still get out of here but I need you both to promise to do exactly as I say…" her stubbornness wins out once again and she replies: "No, I'm in charge!"   -Hal slaps her and says in a quiet but angry voice: "Damnit Romalda, this is all your fault. I've tried playing nice with you, but not anymore. You either do as I say, or you get ripped to shreds like many of my kinsmen already ha ve because of what you did."   -Romalda puts her hand up to her cheek where he slaps her and opens her mouth to say something angrily, but suddenly a creature bursts through the window and tackles Hal to the ground. It bites down on his face and his screaming subsides into gurgling as it tears his face off and begins ripping his body apart.   -Halbbo and Romalda scream. In a panic, Romalda throws her spear at the creature, catching it in the back and causing it to retreat back out the window.   -"Oh my god," she says. "What have I done? We're all going to die!"   -Halbbo begins to cry. Hearing him, Romalda is reminded of another time he cried- when she forced him to use magic on protesters back in Hobbiton. An idea strikes her.   -"Halbbo," she says. "You're a wizard! You can get us out of here!"   -"But… hobbits can't be wizards!"   -"Halbbo… whether you are a hobbit or not, you can use magic! Accept your powers and get us out of here!"   -"I… alright, I'll try."   -"I know of something you can do. Back when we first met I went to the Hobbiton library and checked out a book on magic. It told of a artifact called the Philosopher's Stone. It's said that the stone burns those it touches, if you can make one we could use it against these creatures and get out of here!"   -This is all completely made up, but Romalda doesn't have much time and she's trying to build Halbbo's confidence. He nods and they find a rock to turn into the stone. Hoping that this will do something useful, Romalda watches as Halbbo gets out his runestone and does some hand motions.   -Suddenly, the rock bursts into flames.   -"It worked!" yells Halbbo gleefully.   -"Yes," replies Romalda looking out the window as a group of creatures appears around the street corner. "And not a moment too soon…"   -They kick the burning rock towards the creatures, who are so surprised that they fail to dodge out of the way in time and are subsequently lit ablaze. Their screams reach a fever pitch as they run away, still burning.   -No longer helpless, Romalda and Halbbo begin kicking the rock through the city looking for a way out.   -As they search, Romalda notes that a few of the creatures seem to be capable of speech, but the ones they come across only repeat a few phrases. Among these are: 'Hey do, merry do me hearties!' and 'Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!'. Neither of them can make much sense as to what these nonsense phrases might mean, but they are quite unsettling given the garbled sing-song voice they are spoken in.   -As they are running, they hear someone shouting. This wouldn't be unusual, except that this person sounds nothing like any of the creatures or rangers- in fact, it sounds like a regular old woman. They head towards the voice and when they get close enough to make it out they are shocked by what they hear.   -"Hey, get away from that you rascals! Back! Back!"   -They turn the corner to see an old woman standing before three of the creatures. They are pawing at a basket of apples on the ground and look just as confused as Romalda and Halbbo, somehow.   -"Those are my apples! Shoo!"   -"Old woman!" shouts Romalda. "What are you doing here?"   -"Eh? A hobbit? What are you doing here!"   -"Trying to escape! The city is overrun by… things…"   -"Really? I was just trying to get to the music festival…"   -"Music festival? In Fornost? I think you're lost lady."   -"Yeah… can you show me the way out of here?"   -They throw the rock at the creatures and introduce themselves. The old woman's name is Sara Heartapple and apparently this is not the first time she's gotten lost on the way to a music contest. She regales them with tales of Weatherstock as they make their way through the city.   -Finally, they reach what appears to be some sort of old postern gate leading out of the city. They start running towards it, but suddenly someone behind them speaks in the tell-tale voice of one of the creatures.   -"Hey do! Look who it is," says the voice. "Old Romalda and Halbbo, trying to get away!"   -They turn towards the voice, shocked to hear one of the creatures saying something coherent and even more shocked that it seems to recognize them.   -To their horror, standing behind them is none other than Rollo Maggot himself- only now, his eyes are gouged out and blood runs freely down his face from the tattered holes.   -"What are you?" says Romalda in disgust and horror.   -"I am so much more than you could imagine, bounder. I am one of Bombadil's Chosen, among the few of his people that he grants the gift of speech and thought!"   -"Who is Bombadil? What have you done to your face?"   -"Oh, my eyes? This is the blessing of all who Bombadil touches. My face as you saw it before was merely a trick to hide myself among you. It has been many years since I wore it in truth. As for who Bombadil is… you could scarcely imagine it. Perhaps I will show you… he could use a wizard."   -Rollo starts walking towards them. Halbbo looks for the Philosopher's Stone, but they left it behind when they started running for the gate. Romalda considers making a run for it, but it would take too long to open the gate- they would be trapped if they went that way.   -Just as they are accepting their inevitable doom, a green and brown flash jumps down from above, landing atop Rollo and bearing him to the floor. The Bombadilian screeches as a sword pierces his dark heart, pinning him to the floor.   -Romalda and Halbbo watch, jaws agape, as the one who saved them turns towards them, revealing himself to be none other than Orphonn.   -"Run! You must tell my people of what has happened here… I know not if any others have survived," he says. "Go to High King's Crossing, on the shores of Lake Evendim! There you will find more of the Dunedain!"   -They stare in shock for a moment, not really wanting to leave their new protector. Suddenly, movement from behind Orphonn draws their attention and they look to see Rollo slowly rising from the ground. He grabs the blade of Orphonn's sword with both hands and rips it forth from his chest. He screeches loudly and readies for a lunge at Orphonn.   -"Fly, you fools!" yells the Ranger as he draws his daggers and readies himself to meet the enemy. Romalda and Halbbo do as he says, running for the small gate and slipping through even as the sounds of combat echo forth from behind them. As she is closing the gate behind, Romalda spares one glance back and sees Orphonn on the ground, Rollo standing above him with the sword raised to strike down. She closes the gate and they flee into the wilderness.   -About a mile from the city, Halbbo gathers himself just enough to look around for Sara Heartapple. He could have sworn she was with them when they went through the gate, but now she's nowhere to be seen. He hopes that she is alright, but can't muster up the courage to go back and look for her.   -----   -As the Fellowship of McCabbage moves north, the climate begins to cool greatly. A couple days out from Spooky Shire they come across snow, which only thickens on the ground as they continue onwards.   -"Are we even going in the right direction?" asks Isengriff, who had assumed Angmar to be a bit more fire and brimstoney.   -"We're entering the lands of Forochel," says Glorfindel. "To the west of Angmar. Coming at it from the west instead of the south is the easier path, for the southern border of Angmar lies along a range of mountains that are well defended and difficult to navigate."   -"Huh. Well, you're the expert I suppose. We should stop for the night though, it's getting dark."   -Lindonrow and Glorfindel agree with him. Captain Shire, on the other hand coughs roughly and says: "It's getting cold… we need to find a house or something…"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow look at him, noting that his face has taken on a grey, sickly tone. His arms are covered in red welts from scratching himself repeatedly. It's starting to become clear that he caught something in that swamp water, but they're still keeping an eye out for worsening symptoms.   -"I mean, I'm immune to cold weather," says Lindonrow. "Made sure of that a while ago."   -"Same," says Isengriff.   -Glorfindel nods as well, leaving Captain Shire the only one who doesn't have a biological immunity to hypothermia. Thus, they walk a few yards off the road and sit down on some rocks. Captain Shire demands that they at least build a fire, which Isengriff and Lindonrow are more than happy to agree to since it gives them an opportunity to tell some wacky campfire stories.   -Isengriff goes first. "It's said that there is a great hero who wanders the lands of Forochel," he says in hushed undertones. "Protecting the people from the evils that dwell in the ice… they call him LEAF LAD."   -He stops talking. After a few moments, Glorfindel and Captain Shire realize that he's done, that's the whole story. Everyone sits for a second, not really sure what to make of it.   -Isengriff claps his hands together and yells: "Right! Bedtime!"   -"But… that was only one story!" says Captain Shire in confusion.   -Lindonrow shrugs, intuiting that Isengriff is up to something. He pats Captain Shire on the back and says: "We need our rest! Captain Shire, you take every watch tonight."   -"No, I'll do it," says Isengriff.   -Now Captain Shire is really confused. Isengriff actually doing something kind for him? That just doesn't make sense. Regardless, he's extremely tired, so he decides not to worry too much about this out of character behavior and goes to sleep.   -The next morning, they wake up. Captain Shire looks around and sees, to his surprise, that Isengriff is gone. He points this out to the others. Glorfindel suggests they split up and look for him, but Lindonrow seems unconcerned.   -Suddenly, they hear footsteps behind them. Glorfindel and Captain Shire turn in surprise to see a strange man striding towards them through the snow. He is dressed in fairly typical farmer's clothing, nothing fancy, but he is wearing a cape made out of leaves and a pale-skinned mask covers his head with a wig of leaves and a toothy and vaguely unsettling smile.   -The strange newcomer waves his hand and says: "Hello! I am Leaf Lad!"   -"Uh… hi?" says Captain Shire, coughing again, "Where is Isengriff?"   -"He died," says Leaf Lad. "There was an army of goblins. Like, ten thousand of them."   -"Ten thousand goblins? Wouldn't we have heard that?"   -"Apparently not, they turned up last night and attacked your friend. He took out like nine thousand of them but they got him. It was actually pretty badass."   -"That… doesn't make any sense."   -"Your lack of intelligence is not my problem, slow one! Anyway, you guys look like you need a guide. Luckily I, Leaf Lad, am familiar with these lands and the people who live here. I will help you."   -Captain Shire gets the sneaking suspicion that if he takes off the mask he'll find Isengriff, but Glorfindel seems to be buying the story completely, and Lindonrow is completely unconcerned about his oldest friend's supposed death. Captain Shire sighs and goes along with it.   -Leaf Lad guides them through the snow for a while before pointing up ahead and saying: "Look!"   -They follow his finger and see there a small hut with smoke coming out of the chimney. Outside is a cage with a dog inside it, looking sickly. As they approach, a man comes outside and watches them.   -"Follow my lead," says Leaf Lad. "The snowmen have strange ways, you may offend him."   -Once they are close enough to speak, Lead Lad waves at the man and says: "Iceyo, snowman!"   -"Erm… what?" says the man, clearly unfamiliar with this form of greeting. "Are you the vets I called for?"   -"Yes!"   -"That's wonderful, my dog here has been sick for days. I don't know what's wrong with him!"   -Leaf Lad nods and asks the snowman to open the cage. He then steps inside and closes it behind him.   -To everyone' surprise (except, perhaps, Lindonrow's) he then proceeds to beat the dog with his fists until it looks to be on the verge of death. Once confident that the dog is beyond all resistance, Leaf Lad raises it over his head and shouts: "I wondered what would break first! Your mind… or your body!" and brings it down hard on his knee, breaking its spine and killing it immediately.   -The dog's owner grabs the bars and shouts: "Damn you!"   -"So, can we talk now?" says Leaf Lad.   -"What? I'll not talk to the man who murdered my dog!"   -Leaf Lad suddenly reaches between the bars and grabs the man by the neck, lifting him a solid three inches off the ground with just one arm. He begins to squeeze, slowly.   -"Alright… alright!" says the man, panicked.   -Leaf Lad sets him down and says: "Great! Do you know of any inns near here?"   -The man, panting for breath, points them towards the nearest village. Once they are on their way, he goes over to his dead dog and starts crying.   -"See?" says Leaf Lad. "Violence is the only language these people know! You have to show them strength or they will never respect you."   -Glorfindel doesn't know about this, but figures Leaf Lad knows more about the snowmen than he. Captain Shire knows this is all bullshit but is resigned to his fate and says nothing. Lindonrow wonders why Isengriff is doing this whole song and dance, but doesn't bother saying anything because it is entertaining.   -They come to a large village. The place is unlike any they've seen on Middle-Earth, with buildings of stretched hide and bone instead of wood and stone and a number of large fires seemingly burning constantly to stave off the constant cold. Nearby is a frozen lake.   -Leaf Lad explains that they should first talk to the village Chief before doing anything else, since this is what is expected by Snowman culture.   -They find the Chief- an older man with a long white beard- and introduce themselves. In return, he says in a thick accent: "Hello, my name is Santu."   -"Santa?" says Lindonrow.   -"No, Santu!"   -"Greetings Chief Santa," says Leaf Lad. "We are looking for accommodations in this fine town.   -"We have an inn, over in that direction," says Santu curtly, clearly somewhat annoyed by their insistent mispronunciation of his name.   -They go over to the inn, but are surprised to see that it has been burned down. Lindonrow expresses skepticism that a building could burn down with all this snow around, but the dejected innkeeper insists that it is true. They leave him to his misery and seek lodging elsewhere.   -As they are looking, Lindonrow notices a man standing around looking frustrated. Interestingly, he is dressed unlike the snowmen, more akin to what they saw in Bree. Also, he has a large bear sitting next to him on the ground. They decide to see what this is all about.   -"Greetings!" says Lindonrow.   -"Hello, my name is Cenlieg," says the man.   -"You don’t seem like one of these folk. What brings you all the way out to Forochel?"   -"I am a travelling performer. I thought I'd come out here and do some shows for the Lossoth, but now I can't find lodging and my raven flew off!"   -"Lossoth?"   -"Yeah, the people who live here… obviously…"   -"I thought they were called the snowmen!"   -"Huh. Well, anyway, I can't do my shows without my bird and without any lodging I can hardly stay here. This whole thing is turning into a mess!"   -Frustrated, he pulls out a stick and smacks the bear with it. The bear barely reacts to this, indicating that this sort of abuse is quite common.   -Lindonrow, intrigued by this man, says that they will find the raven in return for a free show. Cenlieg agrees gratefully.   -They go out into the forest and are able to find the raven after a brief search, sitting in a tree. Leaf Lad climbs up, grabs it, and they return to the village.   -When Cenlieg sees them with his bird he waves happily and says: "Thank you! I thought I'd never get him back…"   -Leaf Lad holds his hand out with the Raven in it and says: "I have a lesson for you, Cenlieg."   -"What?"   -"The weak do not deserve to live."   -Leaf Lad tightens his fist, crushing the Raven in his hand. It squawks once and is silent. Cenlieg cringes back in shock and shouts: "What the hell? Why would you do that?"   -"If you wanted the raven, you should have gotten him yourself. You are WEAK!"   -Cenlieg hits his bear with the stick and says: "Kill the bastard!"   -The bear rears up on its hind legs to attack Leaf Lad, but he simply straight punches it directly in the chest, caving in its ribcage and grabbing it directly by the heart.   -Slowly, he pulls back his hand, bringing with it the bear's hand. "You fool Cenlieg," he says gleefully. "You rely on animals to protect you, but animals are also weak! I am LEAF LAD!"   -Cenlieg looks at this demonic creature standing with his arms covered in blood and gore, holding aloft the heart of his pet bear. Weighing his odds, he turns and flees. But as he makes his escape, he yells back: "I will have my revenge!"   -Leaf Lad cleans the blood off his hands and says: "Well, that was fun! Now let's find somewhere to stay…"   -Glorfindel looks at the dead bear apprehensively, but decides not to express his worries about this newcomer and his violent ways just yet.   -Unfortunately, they are unable to find anyone in the village who will take them in. Frustrated, Leaf Lad finally declares that they will camp out next to one of the communal fires in the village center. They put their stuff on the ground and start setting up for the night.   -Midway through this process, a guard walks up to them and says: "Uh… you can't camp here."   -"Why not?" says Leaf Lad.   -"We can't have the village center cluttered with tents and traveling gear!"   -"I see… but there is one thing you are forgetting."   -"What?"   -"I AM LEAF LAD!"   -Leaf Lad grabs the man by the neck and twists, hard. With a snap, he drops to the ground and is still. Around the village center, people stop in their tracks at the sound and stare at the scene. Everything goes silent, then another guard starts shouting the alarm.   -Chief Santu himself emerges quickly at the disturbance and sees the dead guard at Leaf Lad's feet. Unbeknownst to Leaf Lad and the rest, this particular guard happened to be Santu's firstborn son, enrolled as a guardsman to toughen him up.   -Santu looks at his son's corpse for a solid twenty seconds. Everyone is still, waiting to see what he will do. It is well known by the villagers that Santu and his son had a very close relationship, and that Santu would have done anything for him.   -Finally, Santu looks up from the corpse with rage and his eyes and runs at Leaf Lad with murder in his eyes. The rest of the guards and some of the villagers join in.   -Lindonrow calculates that there are at least a hundred people coming at them, enough to be a serious threat in their current state. Leaf Lad seemingly gets the same impression because he yells: "Run!"   -They flee from the village. As they clear the boundaries and head back into the wilderness, they hear Santu say one last thing:   -"Be he foe or friend, be he foul or clean,   brood of Morgoth or bright Vala,   Elda or Man, or Maia,   neither law, nor love, nor league of swords,   dread nor danger, not Doom itself,   shall defend him from Santu, and Santu's kin,   whoso hideth or helpeth Leaf Lad.   This swear we all:   death we will deal him ere Day's ending,   woe unto world's end! Our word hear thou,   Eru Allfather! To the everlasting   Darkness doom us if our deed faileth.   On the holy mountain hear in witness   and our vow remember, Manwë and Varda!"   -Hearing the oath, Glorfindel says: "Eru Iluvatar! That is a powerful oath… what have you done?"   -"I did what I had to do," says Leaf Lad with finality.   -Later that night, at camp, Glorfindel confides with Lindonrow that he is unsure about this situation with Leaf Lad. Lindonrow assures him that he will get everything sorted out and Glorfindel goes to sleep next to Captain Shire.   -Leaf Lad himself is currently taking watch, so Lindonrow goes over to him and says: "We may have a situation with Glorfindel soon, Isengriff."   -"I am not Isengriff, I am Leaf Lad!" says Leaf Lad.   -"Uh-huh… but my point remains. I understand you want to let loose a little bit, but we can't keep this up forever without Glorfindel ditching us."   -"Leaf Lad does as Leaf Lad pleases."   -Lindonrow shakes his head, annoyed at Isengriff's stubbornness about maintaining character, and goes to sleep.   -They flee across the wilderness for two days, pursued relentlessly by Santu and his forces (which grow by the day as Santu summons distant relations to his side). Eventually, Captain Shire begins to stumble and Glorfindel demands that they stop somewhere soon before he completely gives out.   -Luckily, they soon come across a small walled settlement snuggled against a hill. The guards don't seem to recognize them as they approach so they decide it's safe and head in. To their surprise, the whole place is decorated like there's some sort of Christmas festival, despite the fact that they're all pretty certain Christmas has already passed. Lindonrow mentions this to Leaf Lad, who shrugs his shoulders.   -As they discuss this, a voice suddenly calls out at them: "You do not know of Yule Day?'   -"Yule Day?" says Lindonrow, "surely you mean Yule Tide? Yule Festival?"   -"No. Yule Day," comes the reply, from a middle-aged man standing next to a wall and looking somewhat grumpy.   -"Ok… what is it about?"   -"It is to celebrate ME, this town's great leader."   -"You? What's your name."   -"Albert Yule."   -"I see… you get a festival all to yourself?"   -"Of course… these maggots, they are not grateful like they should be. All days should be dedicated to Yule!"   -"Calm down due, it was just a question."   -"You DARE question Albert Yule? THIS TOWN OWES EVERYTHING TO ME! ALL THIS IS BECAUSE OF MY STRUGGLE. MY BLOOD, MY SWEAT. I BUILT THIS TOWN! I OWN YOU!"   -"Uh, we don't live here."   -"ALBERT YULE CARES NOT FOR YOUR EXCUSES! BOW! BOW YOU PISSANTS!"   -Annoyed by his yelling, they leave.   -Seeing as their conversation has left them only more confused than before, they decide to find someone else to ask about the festival. Eventually they find an older fellow who calls himself Freddie Symonds, who explains that this festival used to be called Wintersday, and was dedicated to celebrating the Winter Solstice. In fact, the whole town used to be called Winter-home up until a few months ago, when Albert Yule managed to win the aial election and immediately went mad with power, changing their town's name to 'Yule Ville' and replacing the Wintersday festival with Yule Day. Freddie seems highly annoyed with this, but when they ask him why they don't just remove Albert from power he insists that they have to wait for the next election in two years.   -Deciding to ignore the strange politics of this town but not wanting to miss out on a good old festival, Isengriff asks what kind of things there are to do on Yule Day. Freddie suggests that they go to the local theatre because there is going to be a play soon there. They take his advice.   -They arrive at the theatre right as the announcer is getting up to start the play. To their surprise, he is a hobbit.   -"Welcome! Before starting the play, I would like to thank Mayor Wil Whitfoot for providing the funding to send us all the way up here, and for providing bodyguards on the trip. We only lost five students! Now, please welcome the Hobbiton High Theatre Troupe, performing a rendition of The Children of Hurin!"   -Glorfindel perks up at the name and mentions that he was actually familiar with Hurin and heard about these events as they were happening. He hopes it's accurate.   -As it turns out, the play is decidedly not accurate. While the general story is the same, the character of Turin seems much more edgy than Glorfindel remembers. He even has a catchphrase: "Do you know why they call me Turambar? Because I am the MASTER of FATE." It is quite grating.   -On top of this, the character of Mim has been changed from a dwarf into a Fallohide, and all his negative traits have been greatly emphasized to the point where it seems extremely racist. Even worse, the actors continuously mention how great Mayor Wil Whitfoot is, despite the fact that this story supposedly takes place thousands of years in the past. Glorfindel is offended, Leaf Lad falls asleep, Captain Shire is sad thinking about how fall the Shire has fallen.   -Finally, they reach the final scene. Leaf Lad starts awake as the actor for Turin looks at the corpse of his sister/wife and says: "Oh Mandos, I've been banging my sister!"   -"Wait what?" says Leaf Lad.   -"I have to kill myself!" says Hobbit Turin, sweeping out his sword and falling on it. To everyone's shock, instead of collapsing into itself like the prop is supposed to, the sword actually stabs straight through the actor's back and a gout of blood splashes across the stage. The teenage hobbit begins to thrash in agony.   -As the theatre goes crazy, Leaf Lad leans to Lindonrow and says: "Heh, I replaced the fake sword with a real one while the announcer guy was talking."   -"Nice, dude," says Lindonrow with a mischievous smirk.   -As they whisper to one another, the announcer from the start runs up to the bleeding actor and says: "Oh my god, this can't be happening!"   -"Father," says the actor weakly, "this… is all your fault… I never wanted to join your acting troupe…"   -The actor reaches up with a bloodsoaked hand and touches his father's face, leaving a red handprint on his cheek. Then, he dies. The announcer begins to sob over the corpse of his son as Isengriff and Lindonrow leave the theatre, mumbling about how bad that play was. Glorfindel looks uncomfortable with the whole thing.   -They wander around Yule Town until they come across a group of people celebrating with alcohol. Naturally, they join in.   -Once they've downed a solid amount of ale, they turn to go do other stuff but are interrupted by someone yelling in their direction: "Stay, and hear me out!"   -They turn to see a dwarf lying on a large keg of ale casually.   -"Uh, are you talking to us?" says Lindonrow.   -"Yes! My name is Thirsti, and I need your help!"   -"With what?"   -"My ale keg is empty! I need more ale!"   -"That's hardly our problem."   -"I'll give you some!"   -"Deal."   -They begin searching for ale, but are unable to find any. When they tell Thirsti this, he suggests that they go steal some from the stockpiles that Albert Yule keeps in the warehouse. They do this, deftly avoiding the guards and returning with a full keg of ale. Thirsti thanks them for their help and they all share another round of ale.   -That done, they continue wandering around town for a bit before a hooded man approaches them and whispers: "Albert Yule requires your presence immediately."   -"Alright I suppose…" says Leaf Lad.   -They go back to where Albert Yule has been hanging out.   -"What is it?" says Lindonrow.   -"You took too long!" says Albert Yule angrily.   -"We came straight here."   -"You should have come faster! No one in this town gives me the respect I DESERVE!"   -"Ok chill, what do you want us to do for you?"   -"I built this town with my own. Two. Hands. But no one appreciates it, not one is willing to put the work in. We have a homeless problem, ungrateful, lazy beggars on all the street corners. They are trying to ruin MY day. Deal with them!"   -"You want us to drive all the beggars out of Yule Town?"   -"Did I not just say that? Get to work!"   -They start searching for beggars. Glorfindel seems to think that they are going to be helping these beggars get back on their feet, but everyone else knows better. In order to avoid any issues with Glorfindel, Leaf Lad says: "Hey Glorfindel, can you get us some candy canes?"   -"Sure thing, I know where I can get some."   -"Good, make sure to get a bunch!"   -Glorfindel leaves to go obtain some candy canes, leaving Leaf Lad and Lindonrow free reign to do whatever they want with only the powerless Captain Shire to witness their crimes.   -They soon spot a beggar and walk up to him.   -"Please sir, a bit of charity on Yule Day?" says the poor beggar.   -Leaf Lad grabs him by the head and throws him on the ground hard, saying: "Lazy beggars are no longer welcome in this town!"   -Lindonrow and Leaf Lad begin beating the shit out of the beggar, knocking out most of his teeth and breaking his ribs. Finally, they let up a moment.   -"Mercy," says the beggar weakly, "I'll leave town, just don't hurt me any more!"   -Lindonrow feels a moment of holiday spirit and decides to show mercy on the man, kicking him only once more to send him on his way as he flees town. A number of other beggars nearby also flee, fearful that they might be next.   -Glorfindel joins them with candy canes in hand and looks at the bloodied snow in confusion. Lindonrow says that he had a bloody nose, an explanation with Glorfindel believes. They start eating their candy canes and continue exploring around town.   -Suddenly, another hooded figure appears and says: "Hey, you wanna have some fun?"   -Lindonrow assumes that this is some sort of prostitute, but Leaf Lad sees that there is something else going on here. Making a split second decision, he turns to Glorfindel and says: "Uh, Glorfindel, my candy cane has dirt on it! Can you go get me a new one?"   -"Sure thing!"   -"Thanks."   -Glorfindel leaves them again. The hooded figure introduces himself as Gareth Rust, a rebel acting against Albert Yule's mayorial regime. He and his partisans are preparing an attack on the Yule Day ball today, but they need someone to set off a bunch of fireworks to sow confusion and fear amongst the partygoers. Needless to say, Isengriff and Lindonrow agree to help out with this.   -They leave the scene. Glorfindel returns later and can't find them, so he starts searching around the town fruitlessly.   -Meanwhile, Isengriff and Lindonrow are standing near a large box of illegal fireworks waiting for the signal to attack. Eventually it comes, so Lindonrow throws a match into the box and they duck out of the way as a massive explosion rocks the square with fireworks launching in every direction.   -Screams begin to drift up as the rebels attack the mostly civilian gathering. It takes only a minute before they fade away, leaving around five rich Yule Towners dead on the ground. The guards arrive immediately with Albert Yule at their head, frothing at the mouth in rage that someone would defile his day like this.   -"DAMN YOU!" he yells at the sky, "WHOEVER DID THIS, I WILL DESTROY YOU UTTERLY!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow scuttle away to escape Yule.   -Yule spots them running and pursues, yelling: "Whoever you are, I'm going to get you!"   -Oddly terrified by this intense man, they feel terror as they duck into a seemingly unused doorway to hide. Yule runs past them then slows down, sniffing the air. Leaf Lad and Lindonrow hold their breaths as he starts walking towards their hiding spot.   -Suddenly, they hear the familiar voice of Glorfindel saying: "Hey, have you seen Leaf Lad and Lindonrow?"   -"What?" says Yule impatiently.   -"I've been looking for them all over the place, I got our candy canes!"   -"I have no time for your blathering, fool. I am about to catch the two men who tried to ruin Yule Day!"   -"Oh… do you want a candy cane?"   -"NO!"   -Yule and Glorfindel continue to argue. Suddenly, Leaf Lad and Lindonrow hear a female voice near them whisper: "Come with me if you want to live!"   -They look to see a woman in red beckoning for them. Without hesitation, they follow her.   -Meanwhile, Glorfindel has finally gotten the message and Albert Yule is free to investigate their hiding spot. He smashes the door open triumphantly… only to find them already gone. He falls to his knees in the snow and yells: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"   -----   -Isengriff and Lindonrow follow the woman in red to some sort of safe house, where she tells them to sit down. She explains that her name is Mara Sandydowns and she is with the resistance.   -"I've been watching you two since you came here. You helped the mayor with those poor beggars, but you also helped Gareth Rust and the resistance. So, whose side are you on?"   -"Neither?" says Lindonrow.   -"You have to choose!"   -Leaf Lad grabs her by the throat and says: "We do not follow your rules! DIE!" and breaks her neck, killing her.   -"So, we're going for the old 'stir up a conflict' game again?" says Lindonrow.   -"Yeah," says Leaf Lad, "which side do you want to help?"   -"Well, you got to help the rich last time…"   -"Fine, fine, I'll help the poor."   -Leaf Lad and Lindonrow part ways to go about their respective parts of the mission.   -----   -Lindonrow finds Albert Yule, who luckily didn't recognize him or Leaf Lad as he was chasing them, and explains that he has discovered Gareth Rust to be the leader of the resistance. Yule is in favor of executing the man immediately, but Lindonrow convinces him that a public execution would be preferable. The mayor sends him to bring Rust in.   -Lindonrow finds Rust, who greets him heartily and congratulates him on getting away from Yule.   -"Yeah yeah, but you're under arrest."   -"What?"   -"I told Yule about your whole operation, and he sent me to arrest you."   -"You bastard, I'll tell him everything. You were a part of this!"   -Lindonrow had forgotten that part, and it would certainly interfere with his plans if Yule found out. Thinking quickly, he grabs Rust by the mouth and breaks his jaw, rendering him unable to speak (but still able to scream in agony, apparently). He takes him back to Yule, who smiles evilly.   -"I should warn you Mr. Mayor," says Lindonrow, "Rust told me that his rebels would break him out. I anticipate an attack of some kind. Probably just a bunch of thugs, but extra security might be wise."   -"Obviously! I will have my whole guard out for this one… everyone will witness my final triumph!"   -Most of the town's population trickles in as the time of the execution draws near. Finally, Albert Yule stands up in front of the crowd and begins giving a speech extolling his own virtues and declaring his plans for the future of the town under his absolute rule. Suddenly, a large group of villagers draw surprisingly well-made weapons. One of them rips off his hood to reveal none other than Leaf Lad himself.   -"Your tyranny is over!" says Leaf Lad.   -"YOU!" says Yule angrily, "I should have known!"   -"You traitor!" says Lindonrow with false sincerity.   -"You were the one who betrayed us by siding with this tyrant!" replies Leaf Lad.   -"I AM IN CONTROL HERE!" screams Yule, "I AM IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING! GUARDS, DESTROY THEM!"   -A battle begins between the guards and the rebels. Leaf Lad and Lindonrow make their way to one another in the chaos and Lindonrow says: "Nice job getting the weapons! Where'd you find them?"   -"Well, it went a little like this…"   -----   -After leaving Lindonrow, Leaf Lad went immediately to Gareth Rust.   -"You escaped, good!" says Rust.   -"Yeah, but Yule is going to come down on this operation like a sack of bricks. We're gonna have to act fast if we want to strike first. Do you know of anywhere we can get some better weapons for your troops?"   -"There's an armory just outside town… but Yule has his best warrior guarding it. They call him Guard Frostway, he's a monster!"   -"I will deal with him."   -Leaf Lad goes out to the armory, where he is immediately accosted by Guard Frostway- a big, scarred man who would intimidate most people.   -"Boss says no peasants allowed!" he says.   -"Oh, I'm not peasant," says Leaf Lad cracking his knuckles.   -A few minutes later, Leaf Lad steps over the mangled corpse of Guard Frostway with a bundle full of weapons in hand. He then finds the Resistance once more, acting surprised to find Gareth was taken, gives them weapons, and prepares for battle.   -----   -"Nice dude," says Lindonrow when he has finished his tale.   -"Yeah," replies Leaf Lad, "so, who do think will win?"   -"My money's on Yule."   -Suddenly, warhorns sound from the hills outside the city. The fighting stops as everyone rushes to the walls to see what is going on.   -A massive army is arrayed outside the city in neat rows. At the front is none other than Chief Santu himself astride a horse.   -"I know you have them in there Yule," he yells at the walls, "you foreign bastards should have never come to Forochel, but now you go so far as to harbor the men who killed my son? All those who stand between me and my vengeance shall be destroyed! CHARGE!"   -The armies of Santu charge the city. Chaos reigns within as Yule attempts to assert control over his people. Gareth Rust (still screaming with his jaw broken) is trampled in the frantic rush as rebels and guards both attempt to get to the walls and repel the attackers.   -"To arms, everyone! Give the women and children weapons damnit! Everyone must serve!" yells Yule in a frothing rage.   -The wall is overrun first near town chicken coop. Albert Yule, followed by Leaf Lad and Lindonrow, leads a charge to retake it, shouting: "Forward men! Don't let these savage bastards take Cluckland!"   -The fighting at Cluckland is fierce, but eventually Santu's forces are driven back. Unfortunately, in the meantime they have breached the wall at half a dozen other places and are pouring into the city. Lindonrow points at Santu's personal banner with a shout and they run towards it, hoping to cut off the head of the snake.   -Yule reaches the banner first, intercepting Santu at the blood-soaked ruin that was once the town square.   -Santu notices him and yells: "So Yule, you've thrown your lot in with the murderers of my kin?"   -"I don't know what you're talking about you scum, Yule does not throw his lot in with anyone! Yule only RULES!"   -"You're a fool, Yule! If you stand between me and my vengeance I will destroy you!"   -"You will not order me around!"   -"So be it. I challenge you to a duel, Yule."   -Yule and Santu draw blades. For a moment all is silent as the two rulers circle one another. Then, quite suddenly, Yule raises his sword high and rushes at Santu with a yell.   -Santu easily sidesteps his charge, grabs his sword arm by the wrist, and suplexes him onto his back in the snow. He lifts his blade high as Yule says: "Fuck." and brings it down into his chest, killing him.   -Turning away from the corpse of Albert Yule, Santu looks at Leaf Lad and Lindonrow with hatred in his eyes, saying: "Now, my oath will be fulfilled. Make peace with whatever god you worship!"   -Santu charges at them, but they are ready. Acting in perfect coordination, Leaf Lad steps to the right and Lindonrow to the left, both bringing up their swords at just the right moment to cut both of Santu's arms off at the exact same time.   -His charge continues for a moment before the pain hits him and he falls to the ground with a scream of pain.   -"You are pathetic," says Leaf Lad to the chief, "how are you going to get your vengeance now?"   -"I… hate… you…"   -"You failed," says Lindonrow, "first you let your son die, then you couldn't even avenge him? Pathetic…"   -"What will your wife think? Can you ever look her in the eyes again knowing that you couldn't even avenge his death? Maybe she'll divorce you…"   -"I know I would. Can you even call yourself a man?   -"Stop…" cries Santu.   -"You know the worst part?" says Leaf Lad, "you'll never even know if your son would forgive you. You'll die- either here, or years from now, old and alone on the streets, and you'll always be wondering… would he forgive me for not saving him?"   -"No… No…"   -"There's a way out, Santu."   -"What…?"   -Leaf Lad grabs Santu's sword and buries it in the ground blade up.   -"You know what to do."   -Santu looks at the sword apprehensively. Sensing hesitation, Lindonrow sneers: "What, are you too weak to even kill yourself? God, you really are dirt."   -With a scream, Santu falls on to the blade, impaling himself. As his corpse slumps to the ground, Leaf Lad says: "Well, that was fun."   -"Yeah. So… Angmar?"   -They wander through the ruined town for a bit. As they walk down a blood-soaked street, Glorfindel comes running around the corner seemingly oblivious to the horrors around him, candy-canes in hand.   -"Finally, I've been looking all over for you! I got your new candy-canes."   -"Thanks."   -They absently eat their candy-canes as they wander the town. Eventually they come across Captain Shire, who had apparently snuck off at some point during all the chaos of Yule Day to get drunk and forget his sorrows. They grab him along as he starts to cry and drag him out of town.   -Back in the town square, snow falls atop the cooling corpses of Albert Yule, Chief Santu, and a hundred other innocent victims. Silence comes over Yule Town as the fighting ends with no clear victor. Both Yule Town and Santu's village are for all intents and purposes destroyed, with the few survivors of the battle on either side scattering to the four winds to tell the tragedy of Yule Town and Santu, of the doom that befell two towns in the guise of an elf and a man.   ----   -About a mile from the ruins of Yule Town, Leaf Lad calls for a halt and turns to the rest of the party with a sad look on his face.   -"Friends," he says, "it has been wonderful traveling with you… but the people of Forochel still need Leaf Lad. I can't go with you to Angmar."   -"So… this is the end?" says Lindonrow.   -"I'm afraid so."   -Without another word, Leaf Lad walks off into the trees.   -"Good riddance…" says Glorfindel under his breath. Captain Shire coughs.   -That night as they sit around the campfire, they hear a sound from the forest. Everyone turns to see none other than Isengriff himself walking towards them. He has a new outfit- a wide-brimmed black hat and dark grey armor- but apart from that he is unchanged.   -"How can this be?" exclaims Glorfindel.   -Isengriff tells the story of how he totally defeated ten thousand trolls and ran into the woods, and explains that the reason it too so long for him to come back is because he was having trouble tracking them through the snow. Captain Shire and Lindonrow naturally see through this, but Glorfindel is impressed.   -"So, what did you do while I was gone?"   -"Nothing much," says Lindonrow.   -Halbbo and Romald flee west to the shores of Lake Evendim. For most of the journey Romalda is too afraid and embarrassed at her failure in Fornost to notice what Halbbo is doing, but as the lake's edge appears on the horizon he is disturbed from her reverie when Halbbo says: "Well, I'm done!"   -"Done with what?" she asks, turning towards him.   -"My outfit, look!"   -To her surprise, Halbbo has completely changed clothes. In place of his old rags is a voluminous black robe with star-like patterns stitched onto it, and he is wearing a wide-brimmed pointed hat. He looks like an actual wizard, surprisingly.   -"How did you sew an entire dress and hat while we were running for our lives? Where did you even get the materials to do that?"   -"I used some from my old clothes, and some stuff I found along the way. Sewing is one of my hobbies."   -"But… why?"   -"I'm a wizard now, I have to look the part."   -"Um… ok. I think we're nearing High King's Crossing. Before we get there I have to say Halbbo… I'm sorry for what I got us into back there. I made some mistakes."   -"Yes. We can't run into things like we did back there Romalda."   -"Exactly. This is bigger than I realized at first. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of whatever this 'Bombadil' creature is, but we have to be more careful."   -Glad that she has finally gotten that off her chest and feeling a renewed sense of vigor as a result, they look for High King's Crossing. Luckily, Romalda is vaguely familiar with the location from a book she once read on various notable settlements near the Shire, so she recognizes it immediately when she spots the massive statue on the lake's shore in the distance.   -As she knows, the statue is of King Elendil, the first king of Arnor and the ancestor of the Rangers. Long ago it stood near the city of Annuminas, although that has long since fallen into ruin. The Rangers still maintain a small outpost here which sits between the massive legs of the statue. They head to it.   -When they approach the camp they are stopped by a ranger guard named Daeryl, who asks them their business. They explain that they have word from Fornost and that they need to speak to the leader of this settlement. Daeryl accedes to their request and takes them to the leader, a man named Sardeen.   -Unfortunately, when they try to talk to Sardeen he seems preoccupied, saying: "No no, I can't talk about Fornost right now, I need to get this trebuchet up and running! I can't focus on anything else until I have that done…"   -Daeryl whispers that Sardeen gets like this sometimes, becoming extremely focused on one thing at the expense of all other business. He's been wanting to build a trebuchet on the bluff near High King's Crossing to better defend it for a week now, but he hasn't been able to convince anyone to go out and find the necessary supplies.   -Halbbo and Romald agree to help build this trebuchet if it means that they can give their news to Sardeen and get help with their mission. Daeryl explains that they should be able to find trebuchet-building supplies on the lake shore, since apparently all sorts of things from the old capital end up in the lake, then later wash up on the shore.   -They search around Lake Evendim, picking up ropes, wooden planks, and other debris they think might be useful along the way. Eventually they take it all back to Daeryl, who thanks them and begins to build the trebuchet (apparently, he read a book on trebuchet building once so he's kind of an expert). After a few hours, it is done. The trebuchet is frankly kind of trash, as trebuchet goes, but Daeryl thinks that it should be sufficient to get Sardeen out of his funk and they head back to inform the camp leader of their success.   -"You built the trebuchet?" says Sardeen in relief when they tell them, "that's great! Now… what was it you wanted to talk to be about again, travelers?"   -Halbbo and Romalda tell him the whole tale of what happened in Fornost. When they are finished, Sardeen says: "This… this is dire news. I do not know what to say. If Halbarad has fallen, we have lost a great leader among my people. Something must be done about this threat… but what? You said this creature referred to himself as a 'Chosen of Bombadil'?"   -"That's correct," says Halbbo.   -"I have heard the name Bombadil before… somewhere. I can't quite place it, but I bet the library up north in Ost Forod will have loremasters that may be able to help us."   -"Ost Frodo?" says Romalda, mishearing him, "I knew a guy named Frodo once! We got up to some crazy stuff back in c-"   -Sardeen coughs loudly, interrupting her.   -"What? Look, all I'm saying is that Frodo has a massive c-"   -"Anyway," says Sardeen loudly, "I think we should head to Ost Forod immediately. It isn't far from here, and this is clearly an urgent matter. I can't possibly do anything else while this is on my mind."   -The four of them immediately set out for the town of Ost Forod.   -After a few hours walking, they suddenly hear a sound off to their left: "Baroom!"   -Everyone turns in surprise to see a tree-like creature standing off to the side of the road looking disconcerted.   -"Hello Yewroot!" says Sardeen, apparently recognizing the ent as a local, "what brings you down by the road?"   -"Dark… HOOM… days, young master Sardeen. The Angmarim… HOOM… have come down from the north… and built a dam across one of my rivers!"   -"That is dark news, Yewroot."   -"Yes… HOOM… could you help me destroy it? They wield torches and axes… I cannot defeat them!"   -"Sorry Yewroot, but I'm really kind of busy with this other thing…" says Sardeen, before promptly continuing on his way to Ost Forod.   -Yewroot looks after the ranger sadly. Daeryl, Romalda, and Halbbo stand there uncomfortably, unsure of what they should do. Finally, Halbbo gives in and says: "We can help you!"   -Yewroot is thankful for their offer and tells them where they can find the dam. They go there and, as expected, find it guarded by a group of men with axes and torches. Between the three of them, they are able to drive off the Angmarim and secure the dam. Halbbo calls lightning onto it, breaking the dam and releasing the river.   -They head back to Yewroot and tell him of their deeds.   -"Hoom! This is… good news. Unfortunately… I have bad news… HOOM… stone-giants of the mountains have come down and built an even bigger dam while you were away!"   -"What?" says Romalda incredulously.   -Yewroot insists that it is true, and asks for them to go deal with it. They do so, breaking the dam just the same way as before, although the giants put up somewhat more of a fight than the Angmarim.   -They head back to Yewroot again and tell him their tale.   -"Hoom! Good, but there is dire news! Some trolls have come down and built and even bigger dam on a different river! Can you break it and release the river for me?"   -Now feeling somewhat annoyed and confused, they head off to the third river and destroy the troll dam. They head back to Yewroot, dreading that there might be yet another dam somewhere for him to complain about.   -Turns out, there is. Yewroot tells them of yet another dam, this one apparently created by tree-like creatures called 'huorns'. The ent seems to think these huorns are too powerful for the three of them to handle, so he comes with them.   -With Yewroot's help, the huorns are scattered in short order and their dam destroyed.   -"Good, hoom," says Yewroot once it is done.   -"That's the last dam, right?" says Daeryl.   -"No. There is, hoom, another."   -"W… why are there so many dams around here?" says Romalda incredulously.   -"The rivers of this land flood frequently, hoom, killing hundreds. The inhabitants build these dams to prevent it, and by doing so interrupt the flow of nature."   -"What the hell? I thought we were helping people! You didn't tell us they had a good reason to build these dams."   -"You don't understand," says Yewroot, "these dams and their consequences have been a disaster for the ent ra…"   -The three of them leave, unwilling to put up with Yewroot's bullshit any longer.   -They arrive at Ost Forod before long and go to the library. There they find Sardeen sitting at a chair talking to an older man in hushed tones. He looks up at their approach and says: "About time you guys got here!"   -"We were held up by that ent," says Daeryl, "what did you find while you were waiting?"   -Sardeen and the old man (who is actually Walding Tunks, the head librarion of Ost Forod) explain that they have found an old book called 'Concerning Tom Bombadil' from which they have learned that Tom Bombadil is a strange being that lives in the Old Forest near the Shire. Apparently no one knows where he comes from, although he is definitely immortal because records of his presence in the forest go back as far as can be discovered. He is apparently possessed of great power, although the exact nature and extent of this power is not entirely clear.   -"But that's not all," says Sardeen in a low voice, "we also found a short poem that is apparently associated with him. It goes like this: 'Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.'"   -"The creatures were saying something like that in Fornost!" says Halbbo.   -"Indeed? Very interesting… but anyway, we did some cross-searching for any other references to that poem and we found something very odd. In a completely different book, we found another poem: 'Old Andy Idden is a cold-blooded killer, bright black his jacket is, and his profession is miller.' The similarities to the Bombadil poem are obvious, so we began searching for more. And we found them. Two, to be exact. The first one goes: 'Bill Tripper is a nasty fellow, don't cross his path, and his boots are yellow." The second one goes: 'Harry Hinchcliffe is a tomb-robber possessed of uncanny accuracy with his bow, bright brown his bow is, and his poetry is trash." That one is a bit more strained, but I'm pretty sure it was intended to be the same as the others."   -"But what could it mean…" says Daeryl in confusion.   -Suddenly, the doors of the library slam open and a man enters with a scrap of paper in his hand.   -"Walding, I found something!"   -"Did you find another poem, Tim Quibell the mayor of Ost Forod?"   -"Yes!"   -"What does it say?"   -"It goes like this: 'Rollo Maggot is a tiny fellow, killed fifteen people he did, and his nails are yellow.'"   -"Did you say Rollo Maggot?" says Romalda in shock.   -"Yes."   -Everyone who has heard the story from Fornost stands there in shock for a moment. Finally, Sardeen says: "But… Rollo Maggot has only been active for a short time! If these poems are related to the Bombadilians… that means that they've infiltrated Ost Forod! Anyone could be one of them!"   -"By the Valar," says Tim Quibell, "it could be you. It could be me… it could even be old Turbert the Pervert!"   -He points at a fat man sitting at a chair nearby who waves at them and yells: "Nice tits!"   -"Fuck off," says Romalda.   -"We're getting side-tracked," says Sardeen, "Tim Quibell, there's no need for paranoia. It's just as likely that one of the Bombadilians simply came disguised as a traveler, then left after they had deposited the poem. The real question is why they're even bothering…"   -"No… no," says Tim Quibell, "For all I know, YOU are the Bombadilian Sardeen!"   -"Don't be ridiculous!"   -"Get out of my town!"   -Sardeen hesitates a minute, shocked by how quickly Tim Quibell has gone from zero to one hundred on the paranoia scale. Finally, he shrugs his shoulders and says: "Come on, we have all the information we need anyway."   -Halbbo, Romalda, and the two rangers leave Ost Forod.   -Meanwhile, in the town, Tim Quibell has begun a purge. Everyone is a suspect, and suspects are promptly executed. Within a couple of days, the entire town has consumed itself in an orgy of paranoia leaving only the mayor alive.   -"Finally," says Tim Quibell, "I'm safe!"   -"Hey," says a voice right next to him. He looks down to see Rollo Maggot standing there, his true form revealed. He screams.   -----   -Back at High King's Crossing, they discuss their next move. Sardeen explains that Andy Idden was actually one of the ancient kings of Arnor (to Daeryl's surprise, because that is certainly not a traditional Arnorian name). Apparently he was separated from his family at birth in an accident and grew up to be a miller before eventually being discovered and returned as the rightful king. It is said that he was actually one of the greatest kings or Arnor.   -Based on this information, Sardeen suggests that they should head to the city of Annuminas, on the shore of Lake Evendim. During the early days of Arnor (before the establishment of Fornost) it was the first capital of the kingdom and the kings of that era (including Andy Idden) are buried there in great tombs. The poem would seem to suggest that Andy has been turned into a Bombadilian, a theory they will be able to confirm or deny from a visit to his tomb. Everyone agrees that this is currently their best lead on discovering more about these Bombadilians, so they head out immediately.   -The ruins of Annuminas are truly impressive, even moreso than those of Fornost for they were created at the height of Arnor's power. The bulk of the city sits on the shore of Lake Evendim, however there is a fairly large island close to the shore connected by a white stone bridge, on which sits a beautiful palace. Sardeen explains that the isle is known as 'Tyl Annun' and it contains the tombs they are searching for. As a bit of trivia, he also mentions that Andy Idden was actually known as the 'Titan of Tyl Annun' because of his impressive height and his renown as a great king.   -The ruins are abandoned, so they are able to reach their destination without much issue. Sardeen opens the doors of Andy Idden's tomb respectfully and they step inside.   -Somewhat to their surprise, it looks completely mundane. Everything is where it should be, the sarcophagus is closed, it seems like no one has been here since Idden was first buried.   -"This doesn't seem right," says Romalda, "we should take the sarcophagus lid off just to be sure."   -"That is sacrilege!" says Sardeen angrily.   -"Look, something is up here. The only way we can be absolutely sure that Andy Idden is where he's supposed to be is to check for his corpse! For all we know, he was never actually buried here!"   -Sardeen opens his mouth to argue with her, but Daeryl shrugs his shoulders and starts helping Halbbo and Romalda lift the lid before he can say anything, so he gives up.   -They open the sarcophagus. Inside is the dessicated corpse of a tall man in a rotted black jacket.   -"See," says Sardeen haughtily, "there was no n-"   -Suddenly, the corpse opens its mouth wide in a wail and leaps out of the sarcophagus atop Daeryl, who screams. There is a ripping sound and the screaming stops as the Bombadilian tears the ranger apart.   -They hear footsteps behind them and turn to see none other than Rollo Maggot with a group of Bombadilians standing at the entrance to the tomb.   -"You really thought you could escape, Romalda?" he says.   -With Daeryl now thoroughly dead, Andy Idden gets up and walks over to stand next to Rollo.   -"Why are you doing this?" yells Romalda in despair and horror.   -Rollo pauses, seemingly thoughtful. "Hmmm, I suppose I could tell you. After all, there's no way you escape this… and to know what is coming and be unable to stop it. Heh. Alright."   -He tells Andy to go get some chairs for everyone. Once their seats are acquired they all sit down together and he begins to explain. It goes a little like this.   -In the beginning, there was one being floating in the endless void of space. This being was known as Tolkien, and he possessed immense power of creation known as the Flame Imperishable. With these powers he wrote a book known as the Lord of the Rings. It was perfect, but he wished for someone to share it with. Thus, he created a son for himself- Tom Bombadil, on whom he imparted a small portion of the Flame Imperishable, enabling him to create on his own.   -They collaborated for some time, but Tom felt constrained by Tolkien's vision. He began to experiment with creating real things- people, planets, and the like, instead of just books. But his creations were twisted, a reflection of his own evil. Eventually Tolkien caught wind of the horrors he was creating and cast him out of his presence. Bitter and angry, Tom wandered the void alone waiting for a time to get his vengeance upon his father.   -With Tom Bombadil gone, Tolkien created two new sons to share his work with named Colin and Allah. Worried that they might go bad as his first son had, he chose not to give them a portion of the Flame Imperishable. Great powers they still had of creation and destruction, but they could not create anything unique- they could remix and edit, but anything they created was merely a rip-off of the Lord of the Rings, weaker and less perfect.   -Eventually, they grew tired of living in their father's shadow and they left him to try and create their own world. They created more stars and planets, establishing the universe as we know it, but that is not all.   -"You see," says Rollo, "their most important creation was none other than the planet we live on. As I said, they can create nothing but rip-offs. If you have ever detected something strange or wrong about this world, perhaps out of place, it is because their powers are lesser than the perfect Lord of the Rings of Tolkien."   -He continues: Tom Bombadil saw what his brothers were creating and was filled with anger and hatred of these two new upstarts. Knowing that he would be unable to defeat both of them himself and feeling that death would be too good for them anyway, he instead set himself up in the Old Forest on their world, turning it into his personal domain where his brothers dare not enter (while he could not defeat them, they in turn that confronting him would likely result in one of them dying as well).   -Since then, he has slowly and in secret begun to spread his influence around the world by turning anyone foolish enough to enter the Old Forest into his Bombadilians. For centuries they have been growing in number, waiting for Bombadil's plan to be ready.   -"And now," says Maggot, "the time is nigh. Bombadil has recently become aware of two adventurers from another time with the power necessary to turn Allah and Colin against one another. Their names are Isengriff and Lindonrow. They are filled with petty arrogance, and already Bombadil is setting in motion the events that will turn them against one another. Soon enough, they will clash. Their power is such that it will destroy much of this world once it is fully unleashed. With the world in ashes, Allah and Colin will blame one another. They will fight, and this world will burn. Bombadil will have his vengeance."   -He stops talking, apparently finished with his speech. Sardeen is rocking back and forth in his chair, seemingly distraught at learning that everything he believed- the Valar, Eru Iluvatar, the Silmarillion, is a lie. Romalda and Halbbo are also shocked and horrified by what they have heard, but they are somewhat less affected by virtue of not really having any preconceived notions about the nature of this world.   -"Where are these adventurers you speak of?" says Romalda, thinking quickly.   -"What are you going to do, warn them?" says Rollo patronizingly, "I don't think you'll get the chance. But if it pleases you, for the time being they are based out of Rivendell. At any rate, I think we've spoken enough. Time to end this."   -He nods to Andy Idden, who draws an old sword and stabs Sardeen through the heart with it. Still distraught, the ranger doesn't even react as he dies.   -"Halbbo, use your magic like you did with the dams!" says Romalda.   -"Ok."   -Halbbo blasts the roof of the tomb, causing it to begin caving in. While everyone is distracted by that, they slip past and run out the door. Rollo yells: "Get them!" but then a boulder falls on him and he's too dead to say anything else.   -Andy Idden is the only Bombadilian to make it to the entrance, but even he is too late, for a rock falls on his leg and pins it to the ground. He struggles to free himself, but before he can do so Romalda leaps at him and begins stabbing wildly with her spear until even his Bombadilian nature can't keep him alive in the face of the damage he is receiving.   -"Halbbo," she says, panting, "we have to get to Rivendell."   -"I was about to say the same thing. We need to warn Isengriff and Lindonrow about Bombadil's plans! The future of the world depends on it."   -"Indeed. Let's go."   -"So, we're going to have to go through the Shire right? Maybe I can see Mama Proudfeet on our way."   -"Maybe, but we can't afford to waste time."   -They head south and east until they reach the borders of the Shire. To their surprise, a large guard-station has been set up there. Even stranger, it is manned not by bounders but by human men of a rough appearance. As they approach, one of the guards yells: "Stop! No one comes in or out of the Shire until further notice. Mayor's orders!"   -"What is going on here? Where are the bounders?" says Romalda angrily.   -"Looks like someone's a little behind on the news!" laughs the guard, "bounders have been disbanded by order of Wil Whitfoot. Too unreliable. We're in charge of security around here now. You two look like trouble-makers… get 'em boys!"   -The guards attack them, but Halbbo blasts them into oblivion and they make their way past the guard-station. As they make their way down the road to Hobbiton, it quickly becomes clear that something is terribly, terribly wrong. The first sign comes when they pass a pile of corpses on the side of the road. They examine them- all Fallohides, all dead of cutting wounds. Romalda was always kind of a racist, but this… she is horrified.   -They keep going. Soon after the corpse-pile they see a series of stakes stuck into the ground, at the end of each of them the head of a hobbit. Romalda recognizes some of them- Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, Fatty Bolger, Pasco Grubb, and more. Beneath the heads is a wooden sign with the words: "DEATH TO TRAITORS" written on it.   -Dreading what they will find, they go to Hobbiton. There they find what can only be described as an unbridled orgy of violence and suffering as groups of hobbits chase Fallohides around with machetes, cutting down any they catch. Romalda spots Ted Sandyman taking particular relish in the act, unsurprisingly.   -They pass more corpse piles. To Halbbo's horror, he spots a familiar face atop one- Mama Proudfeet.   -"NOOOOOOOOO!" he yells in agony.   -"This… this is horrific," says Romalda in shock, "how could this happen?"   -"It's that Wil Whitfoot," says Halbbo, "he's been wanting to do this ever since he got elected! Someone needs to stop him."   -"You're right," says Romalda, "we need to go to Michel Delving, we might be able to do it. Seems like we're the only ones who can!"   -They take a detour from their original plan to head to Michel Delving. They find the town hole guarded by ranks of men. On the door is another sign, this one saying: "No admittance except on National Shire Party business!"   -Halbbo blasts the guards and they enter. To their surprise, it looks like no one has been living here for some time. The floor is covered in dust and the corners have cobwebs.   -Just as their confusion is about to overwhelm them, they see someone in the next room. "Hey!" yells Romalda.   -The person turns, revealing none other than Assistant Fallohide.   -"Welcome," he says, "I knew you'd come."   -"Assistant Fallohide?" yells Romalda, "how are you here? It's Fallohide Season out there, they should have killed you!"   -"I am no mere Fallohide," says Assistant Fallohide, his voice dripping with disgust, "this is merely a mask. Haven't you realized by now? We're everywhere!"   -"No… you can't be…"   -"I am!" he says, and reveals his true form. Halbbo and Romalda feel a surge of fear.   -"Rollo Maggot may have been a fool," he says, "but he was right about one thing. Bombadil is coming, and he will have his vengeance. You cannot stop him."   -"You started this genocide?" says Halbbo in shock, "where is the Mayor? Or is he one of you too…"   -"Of course not! I assure you, everything that has happened has been with Whitfoot's full consent. All I had to do was make a few suggestions here and there to speed things along, but he wanted it. I'm certain he's out there now with a machete in hand, killing Fallohides. I care not. I have fulfilled my purpose here… well, almost. Guards!"   -Guardsmen emerge from hidden rooms and begin attacking. Halbbo and Romalda are only barely able to escape by blasting a path and fleeing out the front door.   -"We can't win," says Romalda, "not here. We need to get to Rivendell, then we can come back with reinforcements."   -"Y… you're right," says Halbbo. He wonders if there is any hope.   -They flee the Shire and start on the road to Rivendell.  
    • -The Fellowship of McCabbage heads to the border of Angmar. In order to reach it, they must pass through a narrow slow canyon in the hills.   -As they are travelling through this canyon and talking amongst themselves, the clear blue sky is suddenly covered with clouds and they find themselves walking through a dark and shadowed land.   -"What the hell?" says Lindonrow in confusion.   -They look up at the sky for a few moments trying to see what might have caused this sudden weather change. They see nothing that would give any hint, so Lindonrow steps back a few feet. To his surprise, by doing so he finds the sky is clear again. He tells the others this.   -"That must mean we have crossed into Angmar," says Glorfindel, "the enemy has the power to cover his territory in clouds to make it easier for his troops to move."   -"Yeah, but I can't see clouds from this side!"   -"The powers of the enemy are strange," replies Glorfindel enigmatically.   -They continue on into Angmar. Eventually they reach the end of the slot canyon, but are dismayed to find that the exit is blocked by a gate, guarded by some Angmarim, the human natives of Angmar who serve the shadow.   -The Angmarim guards grip their swords as they approach. The Fellowship prepare to fight their way through, but then suddenly the guards release their blades and wave merrily at them. Confused, Isengriff and Lindonrow approach.   -"Why aren't you attacking us?" says Isengriff.   -"We saw your Weatherstock Wayfarer badges!" says one of the guards, pointing to where said badge is presented proudly upon Lindonrow's clothing.   -"You're a fan of Weatherstock?" says Lindonrow.   -"Yeah dude, our whole village has been totally into it since we first heard about it. Come on, everyone's gonna want to meet you!"   -The guards take them into the town and show them around. A number of people are playing guitars, apparently to practice so that they can one day play at Weatherstock themselves. Their skill is tolerable, but secretly Isengriff and Lindonrow think they have little chance of making it at a high-profile show like Weatherstock.   -Finally, the guards introduce them to the village chief, a man named Crannog.   -"Greetings! It is an honor to host some bona fide Weatherstock Wayfarers in my village!" he says.   -"Well, I'm just glad we found someone who appreciates the arts around here," says Lindonrow, "I thought Angmar was a land of savages!"   -"I'm afraid most of my kinsmen would fit your stereotypes," says Crannog, shaking his head, "why, just the other day the Lord Mayor of Carn Dûm had the lead singer in our best band arrested and thrown in jail because we 'weren't paying enough attention to the war effort'. Can you believe that?"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow shake their heads at this news and immediately offer to rescue the lead singer. Crannog agrees thankfully and explains that he is being held in a place called the 'Halls of Night' nearby. They go there immediately.   -The Halls of Night are actually quite a bit smaller and less impressive than their name would suggest- merely a small cave with a barred door and a couple of guards. They kill those, naturally, and look for the lead singer. They quickly find him lying on a table with his eyes closed. At first they are worried he might be dead, but then they can see his chest rising and falling.   -They step towards him to wake him up from his sleep but as soon as they do so, the world around them shifts and they find themselves standing on an open ledge of stone surrounded by a void. Everything seems… ethereal, somehow.   -At first they are confused, but then Lindonrow has a realization and says: "Oh, it must be one of those torture dreams! You know, the ones where they keep him in a magical sleep and force him to relive his worst fears and such."   -"Oh yeah!" says Isengriff, "it's been a while since we've dealt with one of these, eh?"   -"You… have done this before?" coughs Captain Shire.   -"Oh yeah, it's fairly common actually. Generally there is a sort of being that represents the victims fears that you have to defeat to get him out. Just have to… oh, there he is!"   -As he says this last bit, a demonic being rises from the floor and shouts: "Defilers! Poisoners! We see you, we know your foul intent. This singer must remain as he is… and you must die!"   -They kill the nightmare creature easily and free the lead singer from his dream prison. He thanks them for their help and they guide him back to Crannog's village. The chief is extremely grateful for their aid, and shows it by throwing them a party with music, food, and lots of beer.   -The next morning they leave the village and continue on their way through Angmar.   -Heading north, they soon come to another narrow valley between two mountains. At the entrance to this valley are two massive statues of creatures that can only be described as demonic- winged, snakelike, with mouths open in an angry snarl.   -"Wait," says Glorfindel, "those statues, I recognize them."   -"Yeah?" says Isengriff, continuing to walk, "that's nice."   -"Stop! Those statues are creations of the enemy. They can sense the darkness of someone's heart. Anyone who is not evil who goes near them will be killed instantly!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow ignore him and continue to walk forward. Nothing happens to them as they reach the base of the statues and begin climbing up them. Once they reach the chest, Isengriff yells something that Glorfindel and Captain Shire can't hear and punches his fist into the stone. It takes a few tries, but eventually the statue cracks beneath him and he reaches into pull out the statue's pulsing stone heart. Immediately, the fell presence within the statue fades away. Lindonrow does the same thing with the other statue.   -Isengriff shouts something else they can't hear and throws the heart at Glorfindel's feet. Unfortunately, his aim is a bit off and it instead hits Captain Shire in the face, knocking him to the ground.   -It takes a while to restore Captain Shire to consciousness, especially due to the strange illness he is starting to show signs of. His skin is starting to peel off in places, and he is noticeably weaker than he was before. Lindonrow takes notes for his science project.   -Finally, however, they manage to get him back up and they head north. Glorfindel explains that Carn Dûm is the capital of Angmar, so that is likely where they will find Sauron. Luckily, he even knows how to get there.   -The great fortress of Carn Dum sits on a flat plain of dead grass and scattered stones, its high walls completely sheer and seemingly unscalable. They only visible entrance is a massive black iron gate. They approach it.   -When they arrive, Isengriff knocks on the door forcefully as Lindonrow shouts: "Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Let justice be done upon him!"   -For a moment there is complete silence. Then, a hooded figure pops up on the wall above the gate and shouts down: "Who is it?"   -"This the Fellowship of McCabbage," says Isengriff, "and we're here to kill Sauron!"   -"W…what?" the man says, clearly confused by this blunt statement.   -"We are here to KILL. SAURON!" yells Isengriff even louder.   -"Sauron isn't here you morons!" says the figure.   -Isengriff and Lindonrow have a quick discussion. On one hand, Gandalf probably wouldn't lie to them. On the other hand, this guy seems pretty confident about that statement. They are unsure about how to proceed now.   -Luckily, they don't have to think about it too much because Glorfindel suddenly says: "Eärnur? Is that you?"   -"Glorfindel? Holy shit dude that's you?" says the figure, suddenly much more casual.   -"Yeah! Why are you up there?"   -"Oh, well… I was captured by the Witch-King and he turned me into a wraith! So I serve the Dark Lord now, you know? Kinda sucked at first, but I actually kinda like it now!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow look at Glorfindel, confused. He explains that Eärnur was actually a King of Gondor from long ago who he knew. Apparently he was captured by the Witch-King and no one ever heard what happened to him until now.   -"By the way," says Eärnur, "I'm actually going by the name Eamandur now! It's sort of like an evil persona thing, you know?"   -"So, you're evil now?"   -"Yeah, pretty much. You should join us Glorfindel! Your friends can come too if you want, they seem alright."   -"Do you really think I would ever serve the Shadow, Eamandur?" says Glorfindel offendedly.   -"You never know! It pays way better than my old job!"   -"You were a king! Now… what exactly are you?"   -"Oh, well, I have a few titles. Mayor of Carn Dum, Steward of Angmar, Hand of the Witch-King, yadda yadda. The more important thing is that I get to rule this sick fortress and do whatever I want to the natives! It's great!"   -"So let me get this straight," says Lindonrow, "Sauron is not there? It's just you and a bunch of orcs and shit?"   -"Yep."   -"Damnit!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow turn to leave. Glorfindel follows them.   -"Hang on Glorfindel," says Eamandur from the wall, "consider my offer at least! Look, I'll even give you a gift to sweeten the deal!"   -They turn to look back as he hefts something over his shoulder and throws it off the wall. It lands on Captain Shire.   -To their surprise, the object is an unconscious man.   -"What is this?" yells Glorfindel.   -"Some ranger I was supposed to keep prisoner," yells back Eamandur, "I figure no one will notice he's gone. Consider my offer Glorfindel!"   -They leave Carn Dum behind and make camp at a safe distance to plan their next move. Eventually the ranger wakes up and introduces himself as Golobi. When asked how he came to be imprisoned, he explains: "Well, I was duelling the Witch-King. Had him dead to rights, he was lying on his back and completely at my mercy. Just as I was about to deliver the killing blow, the other eight Nazgul appeared and got me. I was so close…"   -Everyone is impressed at Golobi's apparent badassery. After he finishes his story, they turn to the question of where they should go next. Golobi and Captain Shire favor going back to Carn Dum to destroy Eamandur and the threat he poses to the Free Peoples. Isengriff and Lindonrow, however, want to go back to Rivendell and figure out why Gandalf would lie to them about Sauron being in Angmar. Glorfindel is undecided.   -After much arguing, Glorfindel finally sides with Golobi. Isengriff and Lindonrow begrudgingly decide to go with the majority, although only because they think storming Carn Dum might be at least a little badass and thus worth their time.   -They head back to Carn Dum and knock on the gates again the next day. Eamandur pops up again and asks if Glorfindel has come to accept his offer.   -"No, we're here to kill you Eamandur!" he shouts back.   -"Damn. I thought you were cool Glorfindel! Very well. This will give me an opportunity to test my new creation…"   -Suddenly, the ground beneath them begins to shake as a crack spreads across it separating the land on which Carn Dum sits from the rest of the plain. To everyone's amazement, it begins to rise into the air. Golobi, acting quicker than everyone else, jumps forward onto the rising mass of Carn Dum, leaving everyone else to watch helplessly as he is carried into the sky with it.   -"Go to Rivendell!" he shouts down at them, "I will deal with Eamandur myself!"   -He starts walking towards the walls. Eamandur laughs at him and shouts: "Yes! Yes! The first flying city! I am a genius! AHAHAHAHAA!"   -Golobi starts climbing the walls of Carn Dum, causing Eamandur to take notice of him and shout: "Oh, you're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?"   -"Can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer," says Golobi.   -Meanwhile, back on the ground, the Fellowship of McCabbage watches in confusion as Carn Dum continues to rise until it is a few hundred feet off the air, at which point it simply hangs there suspended in place.   -"Fuck this," says Isengriff suddenly. He turns and begins walking down the road to Rivendell. Everyone else follows him.   -A few miles out, Captain Shire collapses to the ground.   -"Oh shit," says Lindonrow, "we should probably take him to the hospital!"-They pick up the unconscious and critically ill Captain Shire and head for Rivendell.   -They journey is mostly uneventful, up until they reach the Ford of Bruinen. There they find the river completely covered in playful trolls splashing around in the river.   -"Crap," says Glorfindel, "I knew I was forgetting something!"   -They shove their way past the playing trolls and get to the other side. There, Glorfindel activates the troll flushing system and the trolls are annihilated once again by the flood. They continue on to Rivendell.   -They go immediately to Elrond's Library, correctly guessing that they will find him there. As they walk in, he looks up from his books and says: "Oh no…"   -Isengriff drops Captain Shire's unconscious body on the books and says: "He has Necrotizing Shireosis, we need you to save him."   -"Necr… what? This man has Swamp-Rot, the signs are obvious!"   -Isengriff and Lindonrow attempt to explain to Elrond that it is actually called Necrotizing Shireosis (they agreed on the name on the way here) and that they discovered it.   -Elrond is visibly torn between not wanting to let an innocent man die and really wanting to kick Isengriff and Lindonrow out of his home then and there. He eventually decides to let them stay for now and says: "Get this man to the healers, they will know what to do with him."   -They pick Captain Shire up off the book. To Elrond's horror, a large strip of skin tears off as they do so. Blood pours onto the tables, ruining every book there.   -"Damn you, those were genuine First Era texts you fools!" yells Elrond angrily.   -"Hey speaking of which," says Lindonrow, completely ignoring Elrond's anger, "where are Gandalf and the others staying?"   -"They left on their journey a while ago, idiot. I heard they passed into Moria not long ago."   -Isengriff and Lindonrow attempt to process this information. Did Gandalf really trick them into going to Angmar just so he could ditch them? No… Gandalf is too cool for that. "It must be some sort of trap!" yells Isengriff, "someone must have deceived them into thinking Sauron was in Angmar so that we would be separated from them. We have to save them before it's too late!"   -Elrond just sighs and doesn't say anything, too tired of their bullshit to bother.   -Quickly, Isengriff and Lindonrow formulate a plan. First, they will wait a couple days for Captain Shire to recover from his Necrotizing Shireosis. Then, they will head straight for Moria. As they are about to leave Elrond to clean up the mess they made, Lindonrow has one last thought and says: "Hey Elrond, did Bilbo go with them?"   -"He's over a hundred years old…"   -"So is that a yes?"   -"No, of course he didn't!"   -"Great!"   -They head down to the Hall of Fire to get some more music lessons from Bilbo before they head out on their next journey.   -----   -Romalda and Halbbo reach Rivendell later that same day. As they enter the valley, they look for someone to tell their news to.   -Suddenly, a female elf walks up to them and says: "Hello travelers, can I help you?"   -"We have dire news for Lord Elrond," says Halbbo, "it's urgent that we speak with him immediately!"   -"Of course, I'll take you right to him!"   -She leads them through Rivendell, passing by the Hall of Fire where they hear atrocious music being played. Finally, she takes them to a small house and says: "This is Elrond's study, he is inside."   -She opens the door for them and ushers them inside, closing the door behind them. Inside, they are surprised to see that it is not a study, but a completely empty room. A man is standing on the other side facing the wall.   -"E…Elrond?" says Halbbo nervously.   -The man whispers something that they can't quite make out.   -"What's going on here?" yells Romalda at the female elf, who simply smiles at her enigmatically.   -The man whispers something again, this time somewhat louder.   -"Speak up!" yells Romalda fearfully.   -"Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow," says the man   -"No…"   -"Bright blue his jacket is."   -"This can't be happening!"   -"And his boots. Are. Yellow," at this, the figure turns to reveal that he is wearing a bright blue jacket and yellow boots. Tom Bombadil himself.   -"You… how are you here?" yells Romalda.   -"Sometimes… things are just that important. Hey do!"   -He takes a step towards them and their vision goes black.   -----   -An epic battle rages in the halls of Carn Dum. Hordes of goblins, orcs, and Angmarim are annihilated by the sheer primal force of Golobi. Finally, he finds himself on the roof of the central tower. Across from him is Eamandur himself, disarmed and cowering.   -"Who… what are you?" he yells.   -"I'm the guy who's going to kill you, Eamandur! Say goodbye!"   -Golobi raises his sword above his head and brings it down for the killing blow. To his shock, it meets empty air. He looks all around but somehow, Eamandur has simply disappeared. He roars in anger.   -----   -Eamandur watches the sword descending towards him, knowing that his doom is nigh. Suddenly, he feels a whoosh and finds himself floating in a vast empty void. Two men are floating nearby arguing.   -"Damn it Colin," says one, "what are you doing?! Why'd you let him make Carn Dum float??? That's not anywhere in Tolkien's work!"   -"Hey," says Colin, "calm down Allah. I just thought it would be cool. You have to admit it was pretty badass. And then Golobi was there killing everyone… come on."   -"It's not about being cool you dickhead, it's about artistic integrity! Floating cities and badass anti-heroes have no place in Middle-Earth. Have you even read the book?"   -"Of course I have! But not everything has to be exactly like Tolkien, Allah."   -"God damn it, you are trying to ruin my work! Ever since you let those two time travelers live, it's been totally downhill. I still think we should kill them. Maybe then I'd be able to put this place to rights…"   -"No, we're not killing them! Have you even been paying attention to them lately? It's comedy gold!"   -"Uh," says Eamandur, "where am I?"   -Colin turns towards him and says: "Oh hey, nice work with Carn Dum."   -"Who are you?"   -"I'm sort of like your god. I rescued you from Golobi."   -"Oh. Thanks."   -"We're not done talking Colin!" yells Allah.   -"Yeah we are, I have to explain some stuff to Eamandur here."   -Colin takes Eamandur and disappears, leaving Allah to fume alone.----   -Back in the Shire, two chickens are eating worms out in their field. Their names are Duppy and Cluck, and they are happy with their life.   -Suddenly, a group of hobbits with machetes come over the hill and point at their Farmer. One of them shouts: "There he is!"   -They hobbits attack the farmer, cutting him to pieces. They then turn on the farm animals and start butchering them. Duppy and Cluck see this go down and run off into the wilderness, bobbing and weaving past some angry hobbits.   -Once they are safe, Duppy says: "Cluck," in a way which translates in English to: "We should go find the Wise Toad of the Swamps, he will know what to do!"   -Cluck says: "Cluck," affirmatively.   -They head out into the swamp and find the Wise Toad. They explain their situation to the toad, who listens to them and says: "Croak," in a way which translates to: "You should go find Farmer Maggot, he is a good farmer and will know what to do."   -They thank the Wise Toad and head to Farmer Maggot's house. To their horror, they find that the machete hobbits have been here as well. Farmer Maggot's decapitated body is lying in front of his home surrounded by the corpses of his family.   -Duppy and Cluck are at a loss for what to do next. Just as they are about to despair, they see a chicken nearby hiding in the bushes and walk over to him.   -"Cluck," he says in a way that translates to: "Hello, my name is George. I am the leader of the chicken resistance. We must band together if our people are to survive in these trying times. Would you like to join us?"   -Duppy and Cluck agree to join the chicken resistance. George takes them to their secret hideout where they find lots of worms to eat and begin making friends.   -Suddenly, they hear a hobbit nearby shout: "I saw the chickens go in here! Let's get 'em boys!"   -"Cluck!" says George in a way that translates to: "The hobbits have found us! To arms, brave chickens! Fight to the last!"   -The chickens line up for battle across the field from the hobbits. George clucks encouragingly and they charge into the midst of the foe. They fight bravely, but it soon becomes clear that the superior size and technology of the hobbits will be too much. George grabs Duppy and Cluck and says: "Cluck," in a way that translates to: "This battle is lost. You two must flee into the wilderness and carry on our legacy. You must survive! Our people must survive! GO, we will hold them off!"   -Duppy and Cluck flee as the hobbits overwhelm the chicken defenses and begin slaughtering them. They run eastward for many days. Along the way they have many adventures. In the Old Forest they come across the house of Tom Bombadil (currently empty for its owner is away), in the Midgewater Marshes they meet a friendly Neekerbreeker (they cannot speak its language, but they think it's friendly).   -Eventually they reach Weathertop, where they meet a strange one-eyed elf who seems to be preparing some sort of party. Further on they reach Ost Guruth and have a conversation with Radagast, who tells them to go to Rivendell.   -Reinvigorated by this new goal, they make their way towards Rivendell. As they are crossing the Ford of Bruinen, Duppy hears a cluck of pain and turns to see Cluck with his leg in the mouth of a snapping turtle. He turns back to save his friend, but Cluck says: "Cluck!" in a way that translates to: "Go on without me Duppy, make it to Rivendell for me!"   -Duppy clucks sadly and flees as Cluck is eaten by the turtle.   -Finally, he makes it to Rivendell.   -----   -Isengriff and Lindonrow are practicing their lutes with Bilbo when suddenly they hear a clucking sound outside. Curious, they head outside and are shocked to see a bedraggled, wounded chicken sitting on the front porch.   -"Cluck," says Duppy, in a way that translates to: "Cluck…"   -"Oh my god!" says Lindonrow, "this chicken has seen battle! Look at those wounds!"   -"Yeah," says Isengriff, "this chicken is badass."   -"Quick," says Lindonrow, "we have to save him!"   -Lindonrow picks up Duppy and rushes him to the healers. As they run, he gets a strange feeling and says: "I think I'll name you Duppy."   -Duppy clucks weakly.     Fin ?
    Copyright 2013-2022
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    The Cabbage Saga
    Category
    Stories in Lore Documents
    Author
    Isengriff
    Publication Date
    1 Aug, 2021
    Creation Date
    1 Aug, 2021
    Last Update Date
    21 Jun, 2022
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