Ae-Tel's Diary

I graduate today. I don’t really think I’m ready. It feels like I’m only doing this to please Father, but I can’t be sure. I want to be a good son to him, but I don’t know how. He tells me he still talks to you, Mother. I hope it’s true. I hope you’re watching us. I’ll have an Emblem after today. Szo will be jealous; Father tells her to study more, but she never listens. She’s too busy sneaking into his secret meetings and teasing me about missing out. I don’t care, it’s just a boring room full of old grumpy men. Even if they’re deciding important things, I still don’t care. I always wanted to follow you. Your job was amazing! You went to all sorts of places and spoke to so many interesting people. You were a diplomat… not just some boring lawmaker. I remember when you came back from Cqiio after setting up the embassy. Your skin was glowing and your smile was contagious. I miss those times. Father was content. Now he just wants more and more for our people. His intentions are good; I can believe that. But he scares me sometimes. Yesterday he dragged my sister out of his meeting room and threw her against a wall. I wasn’t supposed to be there, and Father doesn’t know I saw. Please don’t tell him.
I have my Rift Emblem now. Father wasn’t there, but I knew you were watching. It felt weird when I received it. I thought it would be painful, like a tattoo, but it sort of just sank into my skin? I can’t really describe it. When I touch it, I can see it glowing. I’ll think of you every time I use it, but hopefully I never will. I thought about it, and I don’t want to harm anyone. I don’t want to fight. I want to be a diplomat. You always used to show me your letters from all around the world. My favourites were the ones that thanked you. So many people admired you. I like to picture you shaking hands with them and taking them gifts from our country. Maybe you took them pearls from Fullsteppe...or precious gems from the mountains of Aen’rel. They must have letters from you, in your own handwriting. I’d like to read them someday when I’m a diplomat.
Father told me to use my Emblem to protect him. He said there are people who want to take the throne from him and destroy our great nation. He was furious when I said I didn’t want to. He hit me hard and locked me in my room. He told me I couldn’t lose him too when I’ve already lost you. So I did it. I cast a dark ward on him. Now anyone who attacks him will be cursed. He said it was the only way to keep our family safe. I trust him. Our people believe in him.
Father has been acting strangely today. He was in his meeting room from noon until the second rise. I heard a lot of shouting, and at one point I heard him shatter something. He fired one of his closest guards and chased them out of the palace. He told me they were evil; he said that they had been sent by the dark spirits to kill him. It took a long time to calm him down, and I promised that my ward would protect him, but he said it wasn’t enough. My personal guard, Yrma, has been reassigned to protect him instead. He has hired a new guard for me. It’s someone from his private army, so he said they can be trusted. Was Father like this when you were still here? It’s all I can remember. Did you ever make him laugh? Or smile, even? I can’t imagine him happy. I’ve read some of his letters to you from when you were away. He sounds so happy in them; it’s as though it’s a different person. I can’t picture him writing anything now. He’s too busy shouting at his advisors. Still, the people have faith in him, so he must be a great leader. Our country needs him.
I met the new guard today. He looks to be around my age, and he shook my hand when we met. The other guards only bow to me and look away, but he looked me in the eyes. Maybe Father is right… maybe we can’t trust the other guards. I walked past Yrma in the courtyard today, and she was crying. She’s been my guard for seven cycles and I haven’t once seen her cry. Maybe it has something to do with being reassigned. I hope I haven’t upset her. I slept well for the first night in a long time. My new guard (his name is Tiio) checked all the windows twice as I was feeling especially anxious. He stood guard by my bed as I fell asleep, and I swear I saw him smiling at me as I drifted off…
I saw Yrma again today in the Aen’rel Hall. She wouldn’t look at me, even when I said hello. I didn’t know what to do so I just kept walking. You would have known what to do; your job was to talk to people. I remember you soothing me as a child. No matter how angry I was you’d always know what to do straight away. I went to the royal gardens just before second rise, but this time Tiio came with me. Father has asked him to stay by my side and I quite like it. He makes good company. We sat by the lake and watched the blossom resting on the surface.
Father seems more content today; he even used my name to address me. That’s something he rarely does but that you always used to do. I still imagine you saying my name sometimes when I need to feel calm. In your letters to me, you would always call me your “dear Ae-Tel”. I still enjoy reading those even though I have them all memorised. I bathed myself this evening, but Tiio had to be present at Father’s request. It was uncomfortable because he wasn’t sure where to look, but we got used to it quite quickly. We ended up talking about our lives, and he told me something I can’t stop thinking about. He said that he’d guard me with his life even if it wasn’t his job. I think you’d like him. I wish you two could meet.
I had an unexpected visitor today - Yrma came into my room and told me what had been happening. Apparently, Father is trying to take control of Cisa. He told her that he needs to take charge as the country has fallen into disrepair ever since the Council fell. She’s worried for our people - tensions are rising with the other city-states and they could be sent into war. Father wouldn’t do that, would he? You’d know what to do…
I bathed again this evening, but when drying off I dropped my towel. I went to pick it up but Tiio was already there. He was blushing when he handed it to me. His face was lit so beautifully by the candlelight...I don’t know what came over me but I put my lips against his. I kissed a guard! Father would be beyond furious… this must remain secret.
I found Yrma pacing up and down the corridor today. She lit up when she saw me and hugged me. My father sent some soldiers to raid the town of Oer. She’s worried that the Prince family are going to declare war on us. Father would never do something so rash without reason… would he? You were always the voice of reason in our family.
Something really terrible happened today. I don’t know how it all happened so quickly. I was in my room praying when Father stormed in and grabbed me by the neck. He pinned me against the wall and spat in my face. He said that someone had broken into the palace and that my ward had failed. He called me a liar and a cheat and he said that you hated me. Is that true? He pulled out a dagger and went for me… Father tried to kill me. But Tiio was too quick and he punched my father in the ribcage. Father fell to the floor, but Tiio cried out. He was clutching his own side and wailing. It was the ward. I put it on Father and now Tiio is cursed. I took him and ran. Father chased us but I used my Emblem to slow him down. I was flanked by guards, but then Yrma came out of nowhere and attacked them. She attacked her own men to save me. I took a mount and rode towards Carius. It’s the only city I know that is out of Father’s reach. Tiio is dying because of me. I hope we make it in time.