Tha Rowund Bredd

Orcs are an interesting lot. Namely for their incredibly wholesome practice of baking bread. The rest is all death, destruction and making the tiny weasel people break like a stack of twigs. Lets uh.. Let's talk about the bread part instead.

"IS RARE FOR ORC TO WRITE DOWN RULES FOR BAKEMANCY. MAINLY BECAUSE PENCILS TOO SMALL FOR ORC HANDS."

— Rhye Fuddell, The Friendly Neighbourhood Bakemancer

The Gist

Kold Bakemancers have long been the Guardians of many secrets to baking bread, so much so that most of their culture is built around it. Don't be too worried though, 'Bakemancing' is just their fancy way of saying baking. No psychic link to flour or cosmic connections to the furnace are required, though it certainly helps them add that little extra 'zip' to theirs.
Enough of their clans have mingled into the rest of Vertinall for there to be at least some documentation on the process, though even the kindest of Orc souls will take their recipes to the grave if they can. Below, we have the most complete set of instructions and guidance regarding one of their dishes; Tha Rowund br-- God can I just say The Round bread? It's The Round Bread.

The Goods

• 500g of Ferociously Strong White Flour (with spare for a dusting layer)
• 10g of Ice Salt
• 30g of 'The growing stuff' (Yeast, Apparently.)
• 60g of the Yellow block of fat (Butter), softened
• 300 ml of Tears from the river (Water)
• 5 points of Psychic Energy (Optional)

The Steps

1. Launch all items into your sacrifical bowl. Obliterate. (Mix) for four counts of sixty seconds.
2. Throw your obliterated goods to a surface of strong flour, Fight (Knead) for five counts of sixty seconds, until dough has smoothed to texture of baby.
3. Return to sacrificial bowl for sixty counts of sixty seconds.
4. Tip dough to the strong floured surface, form the fabled Bread Orb, and then Flatten, but not TOO flat.
5. Line metal sheet with protective Psychic Energy. Leave for sixty counts of sixty seconds.
6. Enrage furnace to 220 Measures of Cooking (C.) Leave to reach optimal enragement.
7. Dust the surface of the dough with flour and cleave three sections across the surface of the dough flesh.
8. Bake for thirty counts of sixty seconds at the bottom of your furnace.
9. Leave in Kold.

- Dictated, and partially translated by Bobby Blasbon

History

This is supposedly one of the earliest recipes an Orc learns, and is one carried from their youth right until the day they die. There is a strict belief amongst the tribes that the 'simplest methods are the best', and spend most of their lives really hammering the crap out of these ingredients to make an otherwise ordinary bread the most exceptional baked good you've ever tasted in your life.

Components and tools

Besides the main ingredients and Furnace, there is no Orc alive that would be caught without their rolling pin. In the most desperate of situations, some have opted for using their beating club in place of the rolling pin, should the pin happen to break during more aggressive sessions.

Perfection. Absolute, delicious perfection

by TheDumbOwl (Me)

Difficulty Rating
Baby
Flavour
Divine
Texture
Tough, 'Klang-y' exterior, and Squishy, feeble Interior.

Related Ethnicities

• Kold Bakemancers

"I took one bite of this bread, and near enough cried. It is the tastiest thing I have ever eaten in my entire life. Somehow, it makes me completely understand the need to obliterate everyone else in my path.. All the bread could be mine...

— Former Food critic(suspended for fighting their colleagues)