ROADKILL TAVERN Menu

Best food. Best prices. Black Market Favorite.

Written by Höbin Luckyfeller, resident taste-tester & food snob

”If you haven’t eaten Woods cooking at the Roadkill Tavern, you’ve never fed your soul.”

— patron saying

In the bowels of who knows where, is the famous gypsy Black Market—the hub of all things weird, rare and illegal. Within the bowels of the bowels (is that even possible?) is the single greatest place to eat: Roadkill Tavern.
Oh some may argue that there are better places to find food among the numerous market streets and shops, but that’s only because they’re either starving…or a desperate competitor to the Roadkill.

Let’s Get The Facts

To be perfectly clear here, The Roadkill Tavern isn’t just ‘a’ place to eat within the market. It is THE place to eat in the market, it is the BEST place to eat in the market…and it was the FIRST place to eat within the market.
Owned and operated by Wood, a resident human and favorite among Gypsy authorities and locals, this establishment is known for fantastic food and drink at more-than-fair prices. Aside from his enormous size and muscular stature, patrons are still gobsmacked that this one-eyed woodsman can:

• Use local sub-par food sources and still make them taste as good as he does, and;
• Be trapped underground and still have invented the world-famous Blackseed Rum.

Yet he did this all from a simple menu that brings back thousands of patrons each and every month, keeping his establishment full day in and day out.

The Roadkill Menu

I’ve been renting a room annually from Wood since I retired from Clockworks City, and the menu has rarely changed. Aside from dishes accented and modified to use food in season, the menu rarely changes. There are three staples offered every day, from open to close: Käärunä Hash, Sour Steak, and Fried Riisi.
Since these dishes have become a staple of my own life, I secured Woods permission to share the recipes with you here, and have asked for modifications and substitutions to allow for a wider range of enjoyment.

Käärunä Hash

(…because every dark, dank, root growing under the mountain should taste this good) --Sells for 5p

This recipe is the #1 patron favorite at the Tavern. The kitchen doors are constantly swinging as maidens bring out hundreds of pounds of this stuff each hour to anticipating (and salivating) mouths.
Based around the Käärunä [kah-ROO-nah] or ‘Snake Potato’, which grows at incredible speed in these dark caves, this dish is perfect for those wanting a hearty, full stomach, while tantalizing the tastebuds. These dark green skinned roots and near black centers turn a golden brown when fried in fresh butter and spices.

Yield:1 serving to a Vallen or 6 servings for other mortals
Time: 45 minutes
Ingredients
5lbs of käärunä (or 6 good sized potatoes)
1 bunch green onions
1/2 lb fresh butter
1 cup millo oil (or virgin olive oil)
1/2 cup sea salt
1/4 cup fresh tamir (or fresh chopped garlic)
4 pinches of dried shade root (or you can use black pepper)
1lb of your preferred sausage (spicy pig or chargon is best)
1/4lb cheese

Read HOW TO PREPARE

STEP 1

Wood always cuts up the käärunä and boils them until they are just slightly firm and not breaking apart. This is to allow for the root to fry properly and allow for a crispy outside, while a softer inside. The cubes should not be bigger than 1”. Boil the water, put the root in, be mindful and check them often, taking a cube out and using a fork, see if it breaks apart. Once cooked, remove the roots, drain them and immerse them in cold water to stop the cooking process.

STEP 2

Chop the green onions into fine rings, then using a large, deep skillet, pour your oil in and let it start to warm up. Hold hand over the skillet and as soon as you can feel the beginnings of heat, put in the butter. This is to flavor the oil, which will seep into the root.

STEP 3

Once you see the butter bubbling and hear it crackling, put in the onions, sausage and tamir, sauté them lightly, then dump in your käärunä root on top. Once all the root is in the skillet, add a moderate amount of salt over the root. Next, ‘fold’ the käärunä with a spatula to mix both the salt and oil over the pieces. Shake the skillet to allow the root to settle evenly into the oil.
Once settled, add your shade root over the top and taste a piece. Add salt to taste, then let the dish fry for 3-4 minutes, then fold again until outside of käärunä becomes golden brown.

STEP 4

Place on a plate, add shaved cheese over top, which can also be complimented with an egg or two (6 for a Vallen, unless you want trouble) and a glass of favorite juice.

Sour Steak

(of Happiness and Joy) --Sells for 5p @ 6oz/ 8p @ 12oz/ and 2c for the 74oz

I have yet to eat a better piece of meat and always look forward to hearing that another poor, defenseless animal has been slaughtered so that I can satisfy my gluttonous appetite. I’d tip my hat to farmers for this blissful experience…if I wore a hat.

Yield: 1 serving for anyone with a single tastebud left in their body
Time: 25 minutes
Ingredients
1 slab of your favorite red meat (I recommend pakrot haunch or beef)
1 bunch chopped green onions
1/4 lb fresh butter
1/2 cup millo oil (or virgin olive oil)
1/4 cup sea salt
1/4 cup fresh vaydin sauce (or soy sauce can be used)
4 pinches of dried shade root (black pepper will also work)
3 tbs of soured cream (just ‘sour cream’ to humans)
1/2 lb grub roots (or mushrooms or choice)

Read HOW TO PREPARE

STEP 1

Make sure your meat has hung for a few days to drain of blood. This dish is best served clean as possible. Blood in the pan will put off the flavor it’s meant to have.

STEP 2

Take your meat and rub salt over it to taste. A light coating will do nicely, on both sides.

STEP 3

Take a hot skillet and throw in the oil, wait for it to lightly heat up, then add the butter, wait for it to bubble and start popping, then lay the slab of meat in the hot pan.

STEP 4

Wait 3-4 minutes for the meat to sear on one side, then turn it over on its back for another 2-4 minutes. Once the meat is turned onto its back, pour the vaydin sauce directly onto the meat, allowing it to spill over the sides into the pan. This is going to smoke, so don’t panic. Take a fork or pinchers and dab the meat into the pooling vaydin, then quickly add the soured cream directly into the pan on top of the vaydin.

STEP 5

Using the meat with a fork or pinchers, mix the soured cream with the vaydin, until you get a light tan color mixture. Flip the meat over and over again to coat the meat and let simmer for 2 minutes.

STEP 6

Take the meat out, place on plate, then take skillet off heat and add grub roots to absorb the remaining sour cream/vaydin mixture. Add roots to plate.

STEP 7

Don’t share…and enjoy.

Fried Riisi

(…because your mother can only DREAM of making something this good.) --Sells for 4p per bowl

This is a dish often offered for breakfast and one of my favorites, especially when I have a cold. It’s spicy and hot, which help with your circulation while providing the added bonus of being able to avoid kissing anyone you don’t want to get near.
Yes, children, this will even ward off Aunt Bertha, I promise.

Yield: 3 servings for the guests you actually care about
Time: 10 minutes
Ingredients
6 cups of riisi (humans often use rice)
1/2 lb chopped fermented bane hair (Wood says humans use something called KimChi from Humär?)
1/2 cup finely chopped green onions
2 tbs fresh butter
1/2 cup millo oil (or virgin olive oil)
1 tbs sea salt
1/2 cup fresh vaydin sauce (or soy sauce can be used)

Read HOW TO PREPARE

STEP 1

Take a medium hot skillet and put in half the oil, then add the butter, fermented Bain hair and green onions. Fry until hot.

STEP 2

Add the riisi and stir in. The fermented bane hair will turn the dish red. Once mixed in, add the reminder of oil, then add the vaydin sauce…mix in well, then take off heat.

STEP 3

Put in bowl and eat. You can serve with eggs on top for a twist.

Conclusion

There are many dishes to be enjoyed and envied at the Roadkill Tavern, and if I can convince Wood to allow me more of his recipe’s, I’ll post them here.
Try these dishes on your own…but I’ll always recommend eating from the hands of the master.
…you’ll just have to get your hands on a Gate Key to get here.

What Patrons Have To Say...

Käärunä Hash

---

"Who the hell wants to eat something called a 'Snake Potato'? Not the missus, I'll tell you THAT! But that kind young lady recommended it in such a sweet way, that old bird caved and ordered it outright. Ya know what? She LOVED it!
I'll tell you what,...my old bird ain't loved NOTHIN' since I shot the Bukler's hound in the ass for killin' her prize goose!
I know, funny as hell, wasn't it, hun?
Snake Potato? Hell...call it 'Golden Turds' and I'd still buy the damn thing!"

— Mr. Cravitz, merchant

DISCLAIMER: The Roadkill Tavern does not use 'turds' in any recipe served to patrons.

"I remember the first time I ever had this dish...because I was overly nervous.
The Black Market is already a scary place--so to think that the food would be even safe, let alone delicious was a hard thing for me to believe. But anything I've ever had at the Tavern has been incredible. This dish at the top of my list.
It reminds me of the hash browns my dad would make on Saturdays with buttered toast and eggs. Perfect for a morning of watching cartoons together."

— Wendell P. Dipmier , hero.

Sour Steak

---

"I have eaten at some of the finest establishments throughout the continent of Humär and nothing compares to the delectable flavor of Mr. Woods Sour Steak."

— Camrin Bain, merchant

"After a long day of hunting down and flaying Vallen for being alive, there's nothing better to satisfy a warriors hunger than a Sour Steak. Especially when my dad's buyin'...
(...you ARE buying tonight, right pop?)"

— Alhannah Luckyfeller

"Though I've made this at home using the good Mr. Wood's own recipe, there's something about the love he puts into his dishes that just can't be competed with here. It's not just the ingredients that make his food near perfect--it's the man behind the flames."

— IYL-MADDOK (Tuä)

Fried Riisi

---

"Of course I like the riisi here. Do you think I would bother to leave my shop if it wasn't good enough for my pallet? Who in the twelve hells do you think I AM!?! SOME COMMON TROLLOP?"

— Dodie McGlynn, Shop Owner (UN-common trollop)

"I'm not sure why som many folk prefer this dish for breakfast when it's the perfect meal anytime you're hungry. It's flavorful, hearty and easy on the stomach for those of us not as young as we used to be.
The riisi is also wonderful cold--so I take some home to my angel. She loves it too."

— Dathern Istul, Owner of Perspicacious

Authors Note:

If anyone is interested in more recipes, leave a comment below and I'll use your requests to persuade Wood to open up a bit more about his cooking. Morphiophelius Smith (a.k.a. Chuck) has tried many times to get some of his drink recipe's which are famous, even with the dark races around here...so SPEAK UP and I'll see what I can do!