How to Be TISN Chief Controller
So you wanna be a Chief Controller of the Terrorists Identification and Surveillance Network?
Great. You must be real fun to hang out with. Here's the road to being Chief Controller of Douchebag Inc.
STEP 1.
Do good in highschool. Like so good that you probably don't have friends because you don't hang out and party like a normal kid. I hope you enjoy being a virgin because that's your life now. STEP 2.
Now take your straight As and celibacy, and find a really good college. You're going need to get into one of those Ivy League schools so but here's where it gets tricky. You don't want to hang out with the other boring virgins like you. Nope. Now you need to find the idiots who wouldn't be in this school if it weren't for their family. These guys are vital to paving your path to Chief Controller because their mommy and daddy have connections in major institutions.
This'll be difficult but you're gonna have to suckle from the teat of these jerks for a while. But don't worry, once you're in charge you can cut them out of your life and forget they ever existed. They are merely pawns in your great game, oh future Chief Controller. STEP 3.
At this point you're probably wondering what subjects you need to study. Cyber security, data mining, sociology, psychology. You gotta learn about people and how to spy on them. This may prove difficult because you are surely an indoor kid, afraid of human interaction. But don't worry. You're lack of human connection gives you the cold, heartless understanding of how vapid our human condition is, thus making you the ideal candidate for being Chief Controller. STEP 4.
As college comes to a close, you should've made some fake ass connections to someone who can get you a job in Washington, DC. Take that job. Use it as a place holder while you start applying to the CIA. I know I know. You want to be in TISN. Don't worry. TISN doesn't accept applications. They find you. So you gotta make noise. Make your way into the CIA. STEP 5.
Rat on everybody. Figure out the weak links and exploit them for your own gain. Be a real scheming asshole, and continue having zero friends. STEP 6.
Do a good enough job at Step 5 and then TISN comes to you. They still hate on the CIA because of Ol' Terrence Huffman's time there. So anyone who fucks with them from the inside gets TISN's attention. STEP 7.
Accept your job as a TISN douchebag. STEP 8.
Repeat Step 5 and rise up the ranks. STEP 9.
Kill whoever is Chief Controller because they're not gonna let a pissant like you have it.
Do good in highschool. Like so good that you probably don't have friends because you don't hang out and party like a normal kid. I hope you enjoy being a virgin because that's your life now. STEP 2.
Now take your straight As and celibacy, and find a really good college. You're going need to get into one of those Ivy League schools so but here's where it gets tricky. You don't want to hang out with the other boring virgins like you. Nope. Now you need to find the idiots who wouldn't be in this school if it weren't for their family. These guys are vital to paving your path to Chief Controller because their mommy and daddy have connections in major institutions.
This'll be difficult but you're gonna have to suckle from the teat of these jerks for a while. But don't worry, once you're in charge you can cut them out of your life and forget they ever existed. They are merely pawns in your great game, oh future Chief Controller. STEP 3.
At this point you're probably wondering what subjects you need to study. Cyber security, data mining, sociology, psychology. You gotta learn about people and how to spy on them. This may prove difficult because you are surely an indoor kid, afraid of human interaction. But don't worry. You're lack of human connection gives you the cold, heartless understanding of how vapid our human condition is, thus making you the ideal candidate for being Chief Controller. STEP 4.
As college comes to a close, you should've made some fake ass connections to someone who can get you a job in Washington, DC. Take that job. Use it as a place holder while you start applying to the CIA. I know I know. You want to be in TISN. Don't worry. TISN doesn't accept applications. They find you. So you gotta make noise. Make your way into the CIA. STEP 5.
Rat on everybody. Figure out the weak links and exploit them for your own gain. Be a real scheming asshole, and continue having zero friends. STEP 6.
Do a good enough job at Step 5 and then TISN comes to you. They still hate on the CIA because of Ol' Terrence Huffman's time there. So anyone who fucks with them from the inside gets TISN's attention. STEP 7.
Accept your job as a TISN douchebag. STEP 8.
Repeat Step 5 and rise up the ranks. STEP 9.
Kill whoever is Chief Controller because they're not gonna let a pissant like you have it.
Form of Address
Chief Controller
Source of Authority
The Government of the United States of America
Length of Term
Until they retire or die.
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