HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
You've made your account. You've taken the hottest selfie you could. And you've hired an online dating ghostwriter who will take your bland list of likes and dislikes, and turn it into the kind of evocative prose that will attract the kind of studmuffin you've been dreaming of.
It sounds like you've gotten everything taken care of until...
Your ghostwriter tells your potential matches that you're "cool with hand stuff on the first date" - even though you've never seen second base! How cold they get it so wrong?
Finding online dating ghostwriters that truly capture your voice and personality is practically impossible. They're not thinking about you, they're just trying to get as many clients as they can. For the average dating ghostwriter, quantity is better than quality. It's a sad existence. You know, I've always said, if dating ghostwriters were actually any good at writing - they'd be writing books - not exploiting the beautiful human beings online desperate for real connections. I mean these are real scum of the earth people, okay?
Anyway. Where was I? Oh. right.
"But Doug!" you say, "I'm no Shakespearean, I need a ghostwriter or I'll never get a woman to even look at me. Because of the face." I hear you. Believe me. There are millions of men and women out there all with the same problem - they can't sell themselves to the opposite sex with just words. You're either too forward or not forward enough. Too specific or too vague. It's a tight rope and we're all falling off the wire, am I right?
Well ol' Doug is here to tell you that from here on out - it's going to be A-OK.
Today we're unveiling our new chatbot LURE.
WHAT CAN LURE DO FOR YOU.
Lure is a highly refined chatbot that gets to know you. Not just your likes and dislikes, but the person you could be if you didn't have the grammar of a fourth grader.
Once Lure scans your emails and texts and internet search history and some other stuff, it is able to compile a highly accurate perception of your identity. That identity data set is then fed into its Allure Algorithm to develop a proper voice that attracts the partner you desire most.
But Lure doesn't just write your direct messages for you, it also assesses the best potential matches for you based on the "vibe" they put out.
You didn't know he was a narcissist because his profile said "Stay Humble"? We've all fallen for it. But with Lure, you'll never be suckered again.
Need a guy who'll take care of your mother when you can't get off work? Lure can catch him.
Need yourself a lady who collects anime statues? Lure can catch her too.
Need yourself a life mate who will bring light to this oppressively dark existence? A partner who supports you just as much as you support them? And when you fall back on bad habits, and find yourself in debt to a bookie named Yoel Glaser for $56,000 - that you never had to begin with- and he's sending some guys over at 9pm to get their money or they're going to take you down to Lincoln Park Zoo and let the gorillas have their way with you, and then you're met with the stark realization that $56,000 is the number that represents your entire existence - that's how much you're life is worth. Probably less, honestly. They'd probably kill you for half that. My god you're worth less than a new truck. And you hope that you have a partner who will tearfully offer to pawn their nicest, most valuable possessions to save your life - even though they don't own a damn thing that can put a dent in that $56,000 because you're both middle class teachers struggling to pay the mortgage for a house you said from the start was beyond your means. And as terrible as it all is, you manage to find some solace in knowing that your partner thinks enough of you that she'll probably shed a tear at your funeral. I mean at least one person on this rotten stinking earth is going to mourn you, and you were lucky enough to spend 14 years with them. You want someone like that? Someone like Denise?
Lure can catch 'em.
"But Doug," you say, "I don't know if I'm comfortable with Lure having all that access to my data. It feels like an invasion of privacy." Well then I guess you don't want someone who's going to pawn their mother's diamond brooch because they thought you said 5600 instead of 56000. I mean I couldn't have been any clearer. Honestly this has always been a problem too. It feels like when I'm talking she just tunes me out. And as frustrating as that is, I still think about her every day and how she made me want to be a better man.
Bottom line, America, If you want something bad enough, you gotta fight for it. You can't live your life hoping the gorillas attack the goons who were sent to kill you first, and you somehow manage to escape and start a new life as a spokesperson for a revolutionary new chatbot. Life doesn't really work that way does it?
Does it? I'm asking.
LURE IS AVAILABLE NOW
Just give Lure access to your data and direct it to which applications you want it to craft responses for. Lure works with all major dating apps, social media sites, and subscription based fan service sites. Need to develop para-social relationships with your online community that are both on brand and financially lucrative? Let Lure keep those fish on the hook - forever.
So join me and together with Lure we can turn those ghostwriting parasites into just plain ghosts.
LURE. ONLINE GHOSTWRITERS JUST GOT GHOSTED.
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