Congratulations! You’ve somehow managed to acquire a Feyvaðer, which is either a stroke of magnificent fortune or a sign that the universe really has no idea what it’s doing anymore. The Feyvaðer, an extremely rare frog from the Feywild, is best described as two frogs that made a poor attempt at Flamenco while at a pitiful party and now live in eternal awkwardness. With sixteen legs sprouting at odd angles and two sideways mouths that seem to whisper terrible secrets, this creature is your new best friend, whether you like it or not. What makes the Feyvaðer special? Well, aside from its appearance—which might remind you of a bored art student’s surrealist doodle—it has magical abilities. Yes, real magic! Simply pull, tug, or twist its various legs in precise ways, and you’ll discover its astonishing talents.
Note: The Feyvaðer has an intellect suspiciously greater than yours, so please remember it is fully capable of holding a grudge if mishandled. Also, it likes snacks. What follows is a mostly accurate guide to using your Feyvaðer’s powers. Try not to break reality too much, please. The Feywild council is still working through complaints from the last few users.
1. Opening a Portal to Absolutely Anywhere (Probably)
- Legs: Gently tug the back left leg (6th) and front right leg (2nd), then twist as if opening a jar of jam. (Not marmalade. The Feyvaðer hates marmalade.)
- Speed: Fast enough to make your palms sweat but not so fast you drop the frog.
- Effect: Opens a portal to a location you were thinking of when you started pulling, which could range from your childhood bedroom to the Outer Planes. If you were thinking of absolutely nothing, you will find yourself in the Department of Lost Socks.
- Caution: Wandering thoughts may result in a one-way trip to The Land of Forgotten… well I don’t remember exactly. Uhhh, just stay focused and you’ll be fine.
2. Instant Invisibility… But Only When It’s Inconvenient
- Legs: Pull the two front legs (1st and 3rd on either side) toward each other, as if they were meeting for coffee but secretly loathing one another.
- Speed: Slow and hesitant, like a bad first date.
- Effect: You and anyone within 10 feet become invisible for 10 minutes or until someone asks you a direct question. (Also, the invisibility will wear off right as you think, “I hope this lasts forever.”)
- Cooldown: Approximately 1 hour, or whenever you need to hide and fail dramatically. Ignore the frog if it chuckles at you.
- Mechanics: critical failures on stealth now occur from 1-3 for the 1 hour recharge.
3. Healing Pulse… with Side Effects
- Legs: Massage the middle legs (7th and 10th) like you’re apologizing for that one time you insulted the shortest person in the room by directing them to the kids’ table.
- Speed: Gently, as if coaxing a disgruntled toaster to let go of your overly toasted bread you probably won’t want anyways.
- Effect: Heals up to 4d8 + 5 hit points to everyone in a 30-foot radius. However, you might also feel compelled to confess a deep secret to the nearest shrubbery. The Feyvaðer finds this endlessly amusing.
- Cooldown: 1 day, or until you’ve recovered emotionally from your shrubbery confession.
- Mechanics: roll a 1d4. Whatever number it lands on that’s how many d8s you roll.
4. Levitation (Or: Why F = GMm r2 is Optional)
- Legs: Pull the 4th and 8th legs like you’re stuffing a particularly stubborn duvet.
- Speed: Moderately, but with a flair for the dramatic. You bought the gaudiest duvet by the way.
- Effect: You and the Feyvaðer will levitate a graceful 20 feet into the air for 10 minutes. You may drift aimlessly or discover gently tweaking your feyvaðer’s legs will direct you up and usually down..
- Warning: Sudden moves might cause the Feyvaðer to decide it’s had enough and drop you. (Don’t say we didn’t warn you.)
5. Fear Aura (Now Available in Mild and Extra Spicy)
- Legs: Tug all four legs closest to the mouths (1st and 2nd on each side) with the enthusiasm of someone trying to open a jar of pickles in front of their crush.
- Speed: Swift, like you mean business.
- Effect: Unleashes a horrifying aura that causes creatures within 15 feet to rethink all of their life choices. Roll for a DC 16 Wisdom saving throw or face existential dread.
- Cooldown: 1 hour, just long enough to rebuild your courage.
6. Water Breathing… Sort Of
- Legs: Twist the back two legs (15th and 16th) like you’re assembling IKEA furniture (and equally confused).
- Speed: Patiently, as though you actually know what you’re doing.
- Effect: Allows you and four others to breathe underwater for 8 hours. Or it might just give you gills and a sudden craving for seafood.
- Side Note: The Feyvaðer will snicker. It always snickers during this one.
7. Flying, Because Why Not?
- Legs: Pull all eight left-side legs in rapid succession. If you’re lucky, you won’t pull a muscle.
- Speed: Faster than your sense of self-preservation would normally allow.
- Effect: Fly at a ridiculous speed (120ft) for 10 minutes, achieving the grace of a confused pigeon.
- Warning: The Feyvaðer will accompany you, no matter how much you beg it to stay grounded.
8. Detect Magic (And Minor Embarrassing Secrets)
- Legs: Stroke the 5th and 9th legs, but avoid eye contact with the frog’s secondary mouth. It’s rude.
- Speed: Gentle and vaguely apologetic.
- Effect: Reveals all magical auras within 30 feet for 10 minutes. Also reveals the time you tripped in public and tried to play it cool.
- Cooldown: 30 minutes, or until you can face yourself again.
9. Summon Fey Companion (Or Unwanted Dinner Guest)
- Legs: Gently tug the 12th and 14th legs in alternating patterns, as though playing a slow and dreadful game of tug-of-war.
- Speed: Rhythmic, like bad jazz.
- Effect: Summons a Fey creature to assist, or at least loiter nearby, for up to 1 hour. Results range from helpful to sardonic.
- Cooldown: 1 day, though you may be stuck with the fey’s gossip forever. It doesn’t wash out of clothing.
10. Arcane Blast (Loud, Shiny, and Guaranteed to Overcompensate)
- Legs: Pull the 1st and 16th legs like you’re yanking a particularly aggressive McGuffin from a series with too many movies.
- Speed: Fast and furious.
- Effect: A dazzling blast of arcane energy, like fireworks at a drag race—impressive but slightly dangerous. Deals 6d6 force damage in a 60-foot line. Wear protective goggles.
- Cooldown: 2 hours, or until you’ve calmed down from the excitement of nailing that drift.
11. Fey Step (Highly Convenient, Mostly)
- Legs: Tug the 3rd and 13th legs while pretending you’re at a dance class you never wanted to attend.
- Speed: Quick and slightly awkward.
- Effect: Teleports you and up to two friends (or unsuspecting strangers) 60 feet to an unoccupied space. Best used when someone’s asking for money.
- Cooldown: 30 minutes, just long enough to make a clean getaway.
12. Shielding Aura (Good Luck Explaining It Later)
- Legs: Pull the 7th and 15th legs as if they were two ropes you desperately need to connect but somehow keep missing.
- Speed: Steady, with a hint of uncertainty.
- Effect: Creates a shimmering aura that protects you and five friends, granting +2 to AC. Also makes everyone glow faintly, which is great for parties but terrible for hide-and-seek.
- Cooldown: 2 hours, assuming no one gets blinded.
13. Speak with Beasts and Plants (Because Why Not?)
- Legs: Tug the 10th and 11th legs sharply and then regret that one time you accidentally squished that lizard in front of its horrified family. We know it was an accident. Just be more mindful about walking and sneezing, especially around lizards.
- Speed: Fast and with the enthusiasm of a bad idea.
- Effect: Grants the ability to speak to animals, plants, and the occasional cranky boulder for 10 minutes. The conversations will haunt you forever.
- Cooldown: 1 hour or whenever the local flora stops gossiping about your outfit.
14. Detect Thoughts (Or “Eavesdrop and Regret”)
- Legs: Stroke the 4th and 6th legs in an overly familiar way.
- Speed: Slowly, as though you’re not sure this was a good idea.
- Effect: You hear everyone’s thoughts for 1 minute. Unfortunately, these thoughts mostly involve grocery lists, awkward crushes, and wondering where socks go.
- Cooldown: 1 hour, or longer if you accidentally overheard something truly unfortunate.
15. Improbable Egg-Laying
- Legs: Twist all eight left-side legs at random. Yes, really. No one knows why this works.
- Speed: Whatever feels right, which is definitely the wrong way to think about it.
- Effect: The Feyvaðer lays an egg, and no one knows what will hatch. It could be a delightful fey creature or a sentient sock that’s seen too much.
- Cooldown: 2 weeks, or as long as it takes to recover from the horror of what was birthed.
16. The Great Switcheroo
- Legs: Pull all 16 legs at once. Don’t question it—just go for it.
- Speed: Frantic, like you’re trying to catch the last bus of the day.
- Effect: You and the Feyvaðer swap places for 1 minute. Yes, you become a magical two-mouthed, sixteen-legged frog. No, the Feyvaðer will not be gentle with your body.
- Cooldown: Please don’t do this again. Ever.
Important Notes:
- The Feyvaðer is judging you constantly. Be nice. Or at least respectful. If it decides you’re unworthy, it will abandon you in the worst possible moment.
- Feeding it mushrooms helps, but only ones from the Feywild. Anything else will result in embarrassing flatulence—yours, not the frog’s.
The Feyvaðer Testing Team, as recorded in the annals of Comically Ill-Advised Experiments Vol II, consisted of 26 brave (or perhaps foolish) individuals. Six are listed below. Their names, and the fates they met, have gone down in history—mostly as cautionary tales about using the feyvaðer.
1. Sir Tissybrinks of Gompoot
- Malady: Uncontrollable Sneezing Fits whenever exposed to blueberries.
- Outcome: Survived testing but developed an additional affliction wherein his hiccups now produce soap bubbles. He claims it’s an improvement, though no one else seems to agree.
2. Bartholomek Dimplesteip
- Malady: A violent allergic reaction to the color blue.
- Outcome: Survived with minor setbacks, including being turned purple for 48 hours after pulling the wrong Feyvaðer leg. He now refuses to wear anything other than green. He also has a compulsion to sing when he cleans up.
3. Daisy Fimplestunks
- Malady: A constant sensation that she is sinking into the floor, regardless of the surface.
- Outcome: Tragically, Daisy pulled the portal-opening legs while thinking about a pie she once saw in a bakery window while she was a child. She was instantly teleported into a pie. She was declared “delicious, if somewhat overcooked.”
4. Lord Bumpkin Puddlesnort
- Malady: An irrational fear of spoons that are in drawers, specifically when stacked together.
- Outcome: Survived but developed an extra arm that only appears when he’s tired. The arm is inexplicably good at juggling—something Lord Bumpkin refuses to acknowledge because he detests “juggling or any of that miming business.” You can sometimes hear him yelling from inside his house, “Just hold the damn balls!” Followed by a thump and a scream as he remembers too late the arm is part of himself.
5. Lady Winifred von Spinklesneeze
- Malady: Persistent uncontrollable laughter whenever anyone sneezes near her.
- Note: maintain visual block and auditory occlusion between Winifred and Tissybrinks.
- Outcome: Sadly, Lady Winifred met her untimely demise when she mistook the Feyvaðer’s legs for portable tea spoons while at a luncheon with friends, to which she accidentally triggered its levitation power. She and two other guests floated into the rafters. Strangely, she was the only one to be knocked unconscious by a rogue chandelier, at which point she, still airborne, floated through a window and out to sea. Even in her unconscious state her laughter could be heard for miles. As for the guests, memory charms and many more tea sandwiches have solved most of their issues.
6. Professor Higglesborth “The Gulper” Flibberklat
- Malady: An obsession with counting grains of sand, which he insists is “highly scientific.”
- Outcome: Survived all tests and is now conducting further research on the Feyvaðer. He has, however, developed an odd twitch every time someone mentions frogs, and has been banned from all libraries for using the Feyvaðer’s arcane blast to “improve shelving speed.”
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