ADITL: Camelcoat

Why does this have to be so difficult... I thought as I took yet another step across the midnight desert. I had to keep reminding myself I was pregnant, and not just unfit. Although I am unfit normally. Nevertheless, I continued stomping my way across this god-awful terrain; the tingling spines of broken cacti laid on the ground, and every so often one got wedged between my toes, causing great agony as I shook them off. I was mindlessly traversing the dry reef, until a few small sprouts caught my attention. I diverted, and sped up to eat these sprouts before anyone else could. There are so many of us out here tonight, heading towards the oasis before the big predators wake, and any food I find will most likely be eaten by someone else. Unfortunately the sprouts were growing higher up that I was hoping, but that wouldn't stop me. I used my stumpy legs to grip the rocky cliff face, and slowly I scrambled my way up it. It was more difficult than usual since I was pregnant, but I still managed to claw my way up and reach the sprouts. I breathed heavily; I had made it. I stared at the sprouts, admiring this fresh food. I hadn't eaten in two days, and it was showing. I snagged the leaves with my teeth, ripping them cleanly out of the ground. The sweetness, the bitterness, I was in love. This was by far the best sprouts I have ever tasted. Still deep in a state of euphoria, I wiggled my way down a flatter path to where I was originally walking. I continued walking for maybe two more hours, yet still dwelling on those sprouts.   I heard a roar. A deep, trembling roar. The kind of roar that shakes the ground. I looked over to another camelcoat, and we shared the same look. Run. Pelting as fast as I could with a pregnant belly, I ran for cover. A large rock jutted out of the ground not far from my right, which created the most convenient cave. In just a few seconds I was cowering underneath, concealing myself in the shadows. A few dalar'khas wimpered next to me, as this great monster set a foot out right in front of the rock I was hiding under. I heard a sniff, and saw the shadow get darker as this menacing head lowered itself. Its eyes met mine. I couldn't breathe. I was going to die.   The monsters mouth opened. Saliva dripped from its blood-stained teeth, a horrific gurgle arising from deep within its throat. It turned around, took a few steps back, but before it could charge at me it heard a small howl. Its head snapped back, staring directly at a small, young camelcoat. It only looked a few months pregnant, and clearly this was her first trip to the oasis. The monster turned itself to face the new camelcoat, and it charged at her. Not even a split second later and the monster had ripped the camelcoat in two, tearing at the bloody flesh. The incessant sounds of wailing and the crunch of bones almost made me throw up.   I couldn't let this horrific scene distract me. I quietly crept out from underneath the rock, careful where I stepped, and ran. I ran fast. The monster didn't seem to notice me, thankfully. Instead something else did. A great big acid bellow. I sighed, knowing these beasts were much faster than me, and could easily tear me apart. The high-pitched wails of the acid bellows rang through the air, signalling prey to the others of its pack. I didn't let that distract me, instead I kept on running. I felt the warm breath of the disgusting birds right behind my feet. I was slowly losing hope, but then I saw a hole in the ground. The oasis! With my new found determination, my bounded as fast as my body could take me. I was so close, so excited, but as I quickly approached the hole in the ground an acid bellow blocked my way. I was stunned.   I braced myself for impact, and I smacked straight into the bird. The bird went flying, and I was lying on the ground, helpless. Several acid bellows climbed on my back, and began scratching at me. Luckily, I had a thick layer of armour protecting me, but I feared that wouldn't be enough. Violently shaking myself to get the birds off, I once again tried to break free and run to the hole in the ground.
So close... I thought as I ran closer and closer. I was so sure I'd survive, but as I entered the hole in the ground I felt a deathly cold beak grab my leg. I felt a snap. A deafening crunch of bone. I screamed. I felt my entire body being dragged out of the hole in the ground, and I turned my head, only to meet the grinning face of the terrifying bird. I knew it was over.

Comments

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Jun 23, 2022 14:23 by puffin

I really like the idea of this series! I love how after the first paragraph, the rest of the story is constant danger. It really enforces the feeling of being prey in a world of predators. I also think you do a pretty great job with description and imagery, but I think you could go even further! Think about the heightened or dampened senses that camelcoats have compared to humans, and exaggerate those differences. I think that could result in a cool and different experience for the reader. My only real criticism is that you have a number of sentence fragments and awkward sentences. If the sentence fragments (such as "I heard a roar. A deep, trembling roar. The kind of roar that shakes the ground.") are intentional to emphasize the erratic thought process of the main character I think that is perfectly fine. However, I think there are a couple instances where the story might flow better if you consolidated or altered some things. The example that sticks out to me the most is "Constant sounds of bones crunching and wailing and I almost threw up." I might change that to something like "The constant sounds of wailing and the crunch of bones almost made me threw up". This is a great start, I'm looking forward to more!!

Jun 23, 2022 15:54 by Mochi

Thank you so much for reading! I made the alteration you suggested, and I will take your advice and use it to improve the article, as well as those in the future. I'll probably spend some time in the weekend to improve the imagery in the prose, so I might ask you/the chapter to re-read xD   Thank you again for spending time to leave feedback! I really appreciate it!

I hope you have a great day!   Explore the endless planets brimming with life of the Yonderverse! Go after creatures, discover new places, and learn about the people you find along the way.   Check out my Institutes of Learning Challenge entry!
Jun 23, 2022 14:55

You've done did a good start, Mochi. The premise of having a series of short stories from the point-of-view of various critters is really cool to me. I agree with Puffin in that I think going further with descriptions of how the animals perceive things would likely help ya (I legitimately forgot this character was an ayylien animal). My only other personal criticism is that I find certain sentences as a tad clunky; I read aloud when giving a hard look analytically at something and sentences using the same words back-to-back felt weird to me, personally.
  Regardless, me looking forward to further tales from the Yonderverse, yes.

Jun 23, 2022 15:55 by Mochi

Thank you for reading! I really appreciate it. I am very glad you like the premise, I think someone inspired me in the discord server but I don't remember exactly who xD (might've been Amelie). Are there any sentences in particular you found most clunky? I can try and rewrite them :)   Thank you again for spending time to read and leave feedback, it is greatly appreciated!

I hope you have a great day!   Explore the endless planets brimming with life of the Yonderverse! Go after creatures, discover new places, and learn about the people you find along the way.   Check out my Institutes of Learning Challenge entry!
Jun 23, 2022 21:56

Nice prose. I like the idea behind each story

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