Bitter Greens

I suppose I should get my ears over my feet before setting off to find what awaits me. To do that my mentor says I have to make peace with what happened a year ago, accept it, integrate it and let it go…easier said than done. I know she is right, she always is, but still the inner adolescent lapa in me wants to scream she is wrong from the top of my lungs. This is not what I want; and all I feel is pain, regret, & betrayal when I remember what happened and accept it is real. I don’t understand how what the fates are bringing to me serves Eostre, it dishonored her, it shamed me. It broke my dreams…ugh I am wallowing like a child as my mentor would say.
So, a year ago today started as the best day of my life. My class of acolytes had completed our first year of training and were able to participate in the festival honoring Eostre as full (though VERY junior) members of her temple for the first time. I was on cloud nine and was so ready for the next step in my journey to devoting my life to Eostre who had brought me so much joy. All have the blessings of Eostre who participate in her festivals, but there are increased blessings for her acolytes and clerics. You could say it is a blessing of fertility and it is, it works quite well as Eostre does in the area of blessing the land with more children if that is what the Maiden seeks…and oh I did. But fertility means many things you see (I did not), fertile land brings forth food, fertile minds bring forth ideas, you get the idea. This blessing brings the blessing of fertility to bring forth what you are meant to, to bless the land and it’s creatures. And, I have been told, by those with more knowledge than I, that it cannot bring forth something without your consent. Which I still want to argue, wallowing, child, yeah. Back to it.
So, on the day of the festival, I bathed sky clad in the waters dedicated to Eostre as is custom. I giggled and laughed with my fellow acolytes about whose eye we were hoping to catch later that evening. I then went to my favorite hollow that my mom used to take me to as a child to show me how to revere Nature and the gifts silence can bring. There I meditated and prayed to Eostre, my ancestors, and the spirits of the land. I remembered not to pray for a specific thing as that is hubris, but for the blessings and the guidance of Eostre, for the wisdom to bring her honor and to honor those who had come before me. I was and still am quite devout. That taken care of, I went back to perform the many duties that first year acolytes must do to prepare for the festival in good cheer. When preparations were complete, I retired to my room to get dressed for the night.
I had already chosen in my heart who should sire my first brood. He was handsome and strong, perhaps could be guilty of thumping hard a bit too much, but never to make those around him feel small. We had often worshipped Eostre together, and he was certainly a worthy worship partner if you know what I mean. All that was secondary though, he was gentle and sweet. He always championed the voiceless. And most importantly to me, he was a living example of the truth that freedom lives in the heart, not in the feet. I could not think of a more worthy father for my first kits to look to for guidance and love. I had not shared what was in my heart yet with him, I am superstitious about speaking of a blessing you wish for too openly before you are centered and prepared to receive it. He always said I looked beautiful in green. I wore my very best emerald green dancing dress, with slits and dips in all the right places that billowed with spins in a way that made me giggle. I wore every piece of fertility bling I owned, my ears were a touch sore from the weight! Took one last look in the reflecting pool and went to join the celebrations.
The night was magical and everything I hoped for. I of course danced and flirted with many as that is the spirit of the celebration. I fussed over the people’s children and used the little cantrips I had learned to make them (and me) smile. I prayed with some who were unbalanced and came to the festival seeking healing before leading them to the dancing pole. It was where and who I was meant to be. I had known it since I was a small kit and had enjoyed my first Eostre festival where I was so touched by the love I was embraced with.
As the night began winding down or began heating up all depending on what your age and wishes for your festival were, I was sure to focus my energy solely on the dance. I channeled my wish for having tonight not be a group or even just a more lighthearted pairing worship of Eostre but a sacred pairing. I lost myself to the music and let it syncopate with my soul. I was dancing for one pair of eyes only. Gratefully it was not lost on them and we began to dance together. Our energy melded and danced and separated and melded again, oh the power I could feel it bringing. We made our way to our favorite place in the grass, and the details I can’t even bear to remember…just how beautiful it all was, until everything came crashing down.
A voice that was my own and came from my own mouth; but I swear to this day I did not will out of my mouth said “I do not want to do this”. He laughed (and please dear reader if anyone does ever happen upon my private thoughts meant to help clear my own brain…know in your bones as I did and do to this day it was true laughter without a trace of cruelty or shadow of thought that he was doing anything other than EXACTLY what I wanted. It could only have been a part of silly games of hide and seek we played as children and more mature games of tease and run as teens or the more grown up fun we have had in recent years. It would break my heart if any thought the slightest ill of him.) and continued our worship. Similar to before a voice came from me, this time I didn’t even understand the words it said, though it was my voice and then I felt this scary (though if I am truly honest, which I am told I must be with myself, also a bit intoxicating) power flow from me. The feel and flavor was all wrong from what I was used to casting a spell feeling like, but I knew that casting something was exactly what I had done. He fell to the ground grasping his head and whimpered in pain. Then he wailed in pain, psychic pain. And I realized that I had done it, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t even want to, but as sure as moonlight follows sunshine I had. I wailed; I think in even greater psychic pain than him. That is when those who were keeping watch over the festival, including my mentor came running. The rest is a bit of a blur. I am told by my mentor that I basically had to be swaddled with Eostre’s embrace for a month before I was at all reachable or consolable. I was sure I would be cast from Eostre’s embrace forever, I was certain I fucking deserved that and more. I had brought violence to the most sacred of worship. I had harmed someone in the midst of them worshipping Eostre at my, an acolyte of Eostre’s, behest. I didn’t deserve anyone’s love least of all Eostre’s.
Since then, my mentor has been incredibly patient with me. I am told by those who understand more than I and are in closer commune with Eostre that I am still more than loved by Eostre, that I still serve her, and that sometimes what we have consented to and are meant to do are hidden behind a veil from us when we enter this plane. I have felt and been shown as much proof that this is true as could be given; other than if Eostre herself came to me and spoke to little old me personally. I have even been cheeky enough to say that she should if she wants me to believe, when I was most angry. That was one of the few times my mentor took on her harsher side with me and reminded me of my place in the scheme of the Universe and that pride goeth before the fall. Reminding me that when one is showered with love after committing a transgression (even unintentional), to continue to question that love is the true transgression. To remember that love freely given may also be freely taken away if not careful. When I cried, she softened it a bit to “the bitterest of greens are better than the sweetest dreams”.
About those bitter greens. I now am a Divine Soul Sorcerer. I do not feel divine. My parents, while the best that any Lapa could hope to have, do not have any Divine ancestry. Where the Divine spark within me comes from I do not know, when I enquired (or badgered/harassed over and over. Same same, right?) those who are more learned than me I always got cryptic non answers and stock sayings like “A lapa out of balance will never find their feet, a lapa in balance will never lose them”---no shit Sherlock- I am out of balance and you clearly know more than you are telling me and if you would tell me perhaps I could get some fucking balance and find my feet…child, wallowing…again. The closest I have gotten is something about fate and the weave of destiny.
I was allowed to stay at the temple for the past year amongst the other acolytes though I was no longer allowed to pursue my studies to advance towards being a Priestess of Eostre. I was assured this is not punishment anymore than it is a reward. It just is what is. It is not my path no matter how much I believed it was or how right that felt. My mentor has a soft spot for me and has continued to be my mentor despite me no longer being on the path of being a Priestess of Eostre. She found me other Divine Soul Sorcerers to learn from and talk to. I have learned what I cast that night was Mind Sliver. The Lapa I hurt that evening has forgiven me a thousand times over though I don’t feel I deserve it. I was right he makes a wonderful father as he has found a mate who for whatever reason accepts me by their fire when I am lonely. It hurts, but I do delight in seeing that that part of my vision was true when I see what a wonderful father he is to his little lapas when I join them for an evening.
Later Entry:
My mentor while not being exactly what I would call forthcoming and direct, was a bit less cryptic than the other Elders I harassed for that year for at least some crumbs of what I am and why and what the hell am I supposed to do now. She wrapped me in Eostre’s embrace for hours after telling me that while it is not written in stone that I would never be a mother, it seemed that this would be my truth. She told me I must go off into the world on my own and follow my heart, for it would lead me to what I was meant to do. That the blessing of fertility that night brought forth a destiny and that I must fulfill it. I told her I do not trust my heart, she told me I will learn to. She gave me a locket that I can use to commune with her when I am very lost or confused or afraid that what I think is my heart is really a malevolent influence. I still worry (despite all the assurance) that they are all wrong and it was a malevolent influence that night that derailed my dreams, it feels like a betrayal to even think it after all they have done for me since, but I still can’t fully shake it. My mentor tells me that healing such traumas to the Spirit take time. My mentor is powerful and favored by Eostre- she promised me if I reach out to her through the locket while meditating; she will ascertain the best she can if I am still following the right path and give me a squeeze of Eostre’s embrace if all seems well, a long hug of it if she knows I am on the right path and a warning if I am going astray. I left 6 months ago, wrapped in that embrace for hours after I last could make her out waving goodbye and calling “Ears over feet” to me one last time. I abused that locket for a while and she let me, I think she knew I needed the crutch for a while. But several months ago, she sent me a message about wallowing and children and reminded me it was for when I had utilized all my own discernment, growing powers and available resources to discern for myself. It was not a trifle and was for when I had grave doubts, not because I was having a “one cloud feels lonely” moment. I think I might be closer to finding my balance because while tempted a few times, I haven’t used it since. Until tonight. I have fallen in with a truly interesting and quite lovely group of adventurers who seem to have a flair for finding chaos. It was the distraction I needed. It has felt like I am following my heart and my path. But things have gotten dicey, and it seems often bigger than we are prepared to handle. Signs are popping up everywhere but whether they are to warn or encourage me or even if they are meant for me at all is past my understanding. I prayed and meditated under the moon and reached out to my mentor- I received one of the longest Eostre’s embraces I have felt in a long time. So onwards, wherever that may lead.