A Visitor's Guide to Orham
The less said about Our Hero's last days in Orham, the better.
Suffice to say that it is Debatable whether he left the city in better shape than when he found it. No easy admission to make. And so, lest his... let's not call them mistakes. How about... Areas In Which The Serendipitous Riddlefist Might Have Exercised Greater Prudence, Given Time For Reflection, Had Events Not Overtaken Him.
And so, lest the AIWTSRMHEGPGTFRHENOH go to waste, here are a few wise lessons which might be of use to any who follow in his wake.*
1. Beware of unasked-for breakfasts! If a Scoundrel accosts you on the street with an offer of free information and/or breakfast, by all means accept the breakfast (the Bacon is blameless in this scenario, no need to insult it), but remain very suspicious of the Scoundrel's information and motives, particularly if his name is Ralafiss, because even if you can't quite put your finger on it, he is definitely up to Something!
2. If it looks like poop and smells like poop, it's probably poop, even if it comes in a bottle labelled “Hair Tonic! Non-Arcane But Miraculous All The Same!”
3. If you happen to know the whereabouts of a Buried Treasure which you yourself buried, try to keeps its existence and location at the forefront of your thoughts. It might save you from spending a week practicing invisible calligraphy on street corners for spare change.
4. Should you choose to assist a group of Renegade Mages by providing them with Chromite, do one of the following: A) Ascertain exactly how they intend to use it before you proffer it, or B) Arrange a graceful exit from town before the bombs start going off.
5. Pepe is not Pepe at all! His true name is Ennis, and that is merely the tip of the Iceberg! Conspire to have him meet with Hayn Enterett in your company and pay particular attention to where his gaze drifts. Is there not a twinkle in his eye as he regards the back of the idealistic rabble-rouser's cranium, as if he has it in mind to cudgel it? Pay heed to these subtle signals!
6. But once you have unveiled his sinister intentions to your satisfaction, do not think that your work is done! Oh no! That is but the outermost layer of the Onion, and it will be tears all the way down to its Dark Heart, where lurks... Kornan Rinsae? Locaryn? Wait... Kor(nan)... Rin(sae)... LocKorRin?!!? BWAAAH!!!
7. Speaking of whom, if you happen to feel a shape-changing Succubus breathing down your neck while taking a quiet break under a large cloak, immediately clap your hands to your pockets, especially if said Succubus recently tortured you at length to gain their contents.
8. Freeing the unjustly imprisoned is Good in all cases. Do not listen to those who attempt to becloud the Purity of your deed by positing that the liberated Mage is probably insane and cannot care for himself. Orham will try to convince you that the entirety of existence is a Morass of Moral Ambiguity from which there is no escape! PSHAW! FREEING THE UNJUSTLY IMPRISONED IS A UNIVERSAL GOOD!
9 . And with that as your last, defining act in Orham, you may wash its grime from your soul and take your leave of its benighted streets, knowing that even if you didn't pay heed to every lesson on this list and greater prudence might have been exercised in some areas, you did your best and emerged uncrushed. And if you don't already have a heroic nom-de-guerre, perhaps your recent Moral Victory over Orham can serve as your inspiration? The Serendipitous Riddlefist is taken, alas. How about... the Uncrushable Parablepunch!
10. Perfect.
* The practical utility of these lessons will vary depending on how widely the specifics of your situation differ from those of Our Hero. Emulate him in all ways (except as noted above) so that you might gain the maximum benefit of his Wisdom!
Squoan's Journal Ordered oldest to newest
-
Advent of the Riddlefist!
2016 11 15
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Trials of the Ratpuncher
2016 11 28
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The Case of the Deadly (or perhaps Innocuous) Domino
2016 12 16
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Fervour of the Goblinbrainer
2017 1 12
-
Lapses in Aplomb
2017 1 16
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High Spirits
2017 3 21
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What Goes Up Must Come Down Then Go Back Up But At The Same Time Kind Of Down
2017 4 21
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Into the Maw!
2018 2 28
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Bobbing on the Ambivalensea
2018 10 6
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A Visitor's Guide to Orham
2018 10 7
2016 11 15
2016 11 28
2016 12 16
2017 1 12
2017 1 16
2017 3 21
2017 4 21
2018 2 28
2018 10 6
2018 10 7
The major events and journals in Squoan's history, from the beginning to today.
The list of amazing people following the adventures of Squoan.
Social
Birthplace
Krahr Wilds
Current Residence
Home is where the heart (ie. Steingrimur) is
Contacts & Relations
Eraiel Othcalt - mentor, priestess of Onir; Steingrimur - werebear, BCF; Sarett Umett - Pyre Knight, edgelord; Valethanna Althaliel Umett - priestess of Daralei, Sarett's half-sister; Orin - teen protege, junior sorcerer rescued from Orham, possible avatar of Onir
Wealth & Financial state
He likes the freedom to actualize some of his more eccentric whims that money grants him, but other than that he has little use for it, preferring to live out in the forest where it's clean.
Family Ties
Twin brother, Nokes "the Knowledgnome" Kwikzot, current whereabouts unknown
Religious Views
Religious on a practical rather than a spiritual level. Values the calming techniques he's been taught but isn't really seeking enlightenment or anything like that.
Social Aptitude
Tends to run off at the mouth without thinking, particularly when he's stressed out.
Hobbies & Pets
Has a grey cat named Sphinx, who he's taught to dance when he plays his flute.
Speech
Deploys wise-sounding paradoxical riddles to regain the upper hand when he feels he's lost it.