To Turn Back Time

I’m pacing, pacing, pacing, wearing a track into the floor of my opulently furnished private room at Norduc’s house. I try to time my steps like the ticking of a loud sundial, try to use the balm of time to bathe my hot, shamed forehead in soothing coolness. WHY can I never say the right thing to Kravana? WHY has my love of words only betrayed me when the path from brain to mouth tangles them up to topple out in the most ungainly fashion?
 
And WHY do I care so much? There are LOTS of other things to think about!! That’s why I’m here, journal. Let’s get the words all out and maybe I’ll make sense of them.
 
Let’s start with this morning. Laina got up before the rest of us; her room is near mine, so I heard stirrings but was too lazy to get out of the soft bed. When was the last time we got to sleep in beds like this? Maybe never for me! ANYway, I did see her walk by outside of my room on the way to the council meeting. “Good luck, princess,” I sleepily whispered to her, thinking of all the things she could encounter there: meeting her grandfather again for the first time in forever, spending the whole day sitting next to her cousin, the council realizing the importance of who she is, her mission to convince them to join us. She looked ready for the part and I felt a rush of warmth for another sister headed off to fight for our family of sisters and for the world. Her stride was sure and her attire was resplendent; my favorite part was the long hair she had braided, then curled up like a crown atop her high forehead. How regal and how beautiful she looked!
 
I went back to sleep for a while longer while the rest of the house woke up. Madlyn of course was first (probably got a few training drills in first thing) and the rest of us slowly followed. We all kind of parted ways at the breakfast table; I stuck by Kaylan as per usual, and we wandered the house looking for books and unicorns. Fortunately, Kaylan found a book about unicorns! Because unfortunately, the rest of Norduc’s collection was rather dry and, I hate to say it, boring. Even for me! Which is assuredly saying something, if the rolled eyes from the rest of my group says anything about my lectures.
 
Out in the town, we found that our presence was no longer as shunned as it had been before; we explored the streets and went in and out of the shops as we fancied, whiling away the long hours until Laina’s council might be done. I wondered why the dwarves seemed so much more accepting of us, but didn’t think too much about it. Bo and Zy did some more stuff at a smithing place, and actually Bo was able to convince one of the big burly smiths to tell us more about the hammer and the arm! She did great. Madlyn only had to help a little. I managed to lift a huge pair of heavy tongs from the instrument pile, and grinned widely at Bo so she could see how strong the weeks of travel had made me compared to Lemish Manon–I hope she didn’t notice that my shoulders were screaming in abject protest.
 
When the day had stretched long and we were still waiting for Laina, Bo and Zy began to get a little restless. They wanted to break into the council and “rescue” Laina, or at least wanted to check on her. I was glad to let Madlyn take the lead on that argument; she is our strategist, and I know she has the best plans to lead us in the battle against Takhisis. I trust her to make the best, most level-headed decisions for our group. Bo and Zy only wanted to provide Laina with protection and I know they had no nefarious intentions, but I think more bloodshed is not what we needed here.
 
After the elevated emotions of this encounter, I think we were all craving something healing and neutral, as an activity. We returned to Norduc’s house to eagerly approach the hot springs again! I had not been wondering where Kravana was all day long and thinking about how she might still be down there (my lies are even more convincing on paper, are they not journal?) so it was a complete shock to see that she was in there! Her skin must have different properties than mine, to stay so smooth and perfect with nary a wrinkle despite hours in the hot water. My spirits rose considerably for an unexplainable reason as we all got into the pools in our various quirky ways. I was so happy, in fact, that I thought I would treat everyone to a lecture of great interest that I’d been saving for just such an occasion when most of us were together! I popped out my mobile chalkboard and set everything up. I was happily making the 5th counterpoint to the 7 original points when I heard some splashing behind me, felt a few ripples of water lapping the middle of my suddenly very obviously, painfully naked upper back, and noticed my heart stop beating in frozen moment of time as strong hands gripped my waist and lifted me farther out of the water like I was nothing more than a soft, downy pillow. I popped my frozen time bubble only through the panic of trying to cover as much of my now-exposed body as I could until Kravana set me back down in the water, climbed up over the side of the pools, and strode away, carelessly grabbing a towel near the door before ascending.
 
It won’t even bother lying about how red my entire body got, how I was too shocked to avert my gaze from her retreating perfection, and how long it took for me to say an actual word again. Time is relative. I should write that down, it feels epic. Oh, I just did…still a little flustered, I guess.
 
ANYway.
 
That night, when Laina returned, she told us all about how the council had gone and how she got to make some over-mushroomed soup with her grandfather. She was so happy! It is good to see her step into her family mantel and find that the fit isn’t as tight as she might have imagined, and in fact gives her freedom of movement she didn’t anticipate. We made our plan to go retrieve the hammer from the shadow-place; how hard can retrieving a hammer be when you have muscles like our group’s does?
 
We had some complications to consider, though. Laina said that there was someone close to her grandfather giving advice that seemed a little less than savory, and that he seems to be aging in a very disproportional way relative to normal time. We presumed that maybe Norduc might be in danger with Laina’s return, especially if she didn’t want the throne and he was clearly the next in line for succession. If someone didn’t want the Klar royalty line to continue, its only two remaining members after Laina’s grandfather were now in the same place, at the same time…but Laina is, of course, safe with us. It’s Norduc we had to discuss the protection of.
 
After some more heated debate with our crew, we decided that the best case scenario was for Kravana to stay behind and guard Norduc. As much as SOME of us wanted her along on the hammer mission for her stunning assets, others didn’t feel comfortable trusting her yet and wanted to leave her in a less “adjacent to us” role. So, they left it to me to ask her to stay behind and protect him.
 
I tripped happily up the stairs to her room, ready and eager to have a more fully clothed and safe conversation with her. I knocked on the door and it swung open noiselessly. My breath hitched and I had to cough to cover it; she is brilliant even in repose, like a lioness who rests between hunts. “Uh, hey!!” I stammered. I explained the mission the group had come up with for her, and she gracefully listened with nary a sound–only her trademark silent stare. I finished my soliloquy and was about to awkwardly turn and flee, but she surprised me by stopping me with a question. With a raspy, grated voice like someone who has not used it well for days, she asked “How will I guard him without my weapons?” Thrilled to get interaction with her, I took an excited step forward and promised that I would try to get them sent from the airship but if I couldn’t, I would make sure she had something to defend him. I told her in a rush that she seemed pretty capable even without weaponry and I swore I saw the ghost of a smile tug at the corner of her mouth before she returned to her staring.
 
Making another graceful-then-awkward turn, I was about to leave when she gobsmacked me with another shocking full phrase. “They don’t like me here, because of what I am.” Instantly, a wave of emotions crashed over me, flying at me, drowning me. First, rage. How could anyone see her and in their stupid, thick heads think there was anything lacking? Could talk to her (if they could get the words from her) and not find her unendingly interesting and down to earth, like a tree whose roots go deeper than even you can imagine? She cannot change how she was born, and anyone who wanted her to was asking her to give up some of the most brilliant pieces of herself. I felt my palms grow hot and time speed up around them as the rage threatened to take over completely.
 
Second, a pang of pure longing. Grandpa Mary and I used to crusade hard for people like Kravana. People who carefully hide their souls behind masks or shutters designed to keep the world that has hurt them out, and for good reason–the world is so cruel, sometimes. People who have never been given the chance they deserve. People who, when you give them that chance and they open the shutters for the first time so you can see the soul behind them…well. They absolutely stun you with their brilliance. He would have known exactly what to say to her, because he knew exactly what to say to all the people we met like that. He helped me to say the right things to those people too. It’s how we got the privilege of knowing someone as perfectly magnificent as Kaylan. When I took her hand for the first time and saw the same hunger in her for “better” as I was desperate to give her, Grandpa Mary took that bastard who had stolen her to task and she got to come be with us and to grow into the incredible woman she is still becoming. I miss my teammate. How would he have liked Kravana? I guess maybe he would have deferred to me.
 
Third, desperation. I needed her to feel better, NOW, and for that raw hurt in her countenance to go away. This is the part I needed Grandpa Mary for, the part I blush even to repeat, Journal. I can’t beLIEVE what came out of my mouth next but I hope she knows what I meant, or what I wish I could have said. “But you’re only 50% giant, right?? So that means you’re 50% good!” Instantly, the shutters snapped back up and an unbearable look of resignation settled into Kravana’s features. Watching her features change rapidly, I was relieved to see the hurt leave but also realized how what I said was all wrong. “And, I mean, 50% good and 50% inCREDible and 100% amazing! I, um, what I mean is…” Kravana’s gaze hardened the longer I stammered. “Okay, bye then!” I whirled quickly and made for the door–CRACK–busting my nose on the doorframe. Ouch. I think I deserved it, though.
 
Dodging the questions of the group about my bloody nose and reporting that Kravana had agreed to the plan, I retired to my rooms to begin the pacing ritual. Some time in the night, I heard Bo visit Kravana as well; a twinge of jealousy momentarily gripped me, but she gave her a weapon. That must have taken a lot, considering how much her sister seems to still completely mistrust Kravana. Using my sending spell (because no way was I leaving my room again that night), I thanked Bo.
 
Tomorrow, we go for the hammer. I better try to get some sleep, or I’ll be useless. Maybe I will write Kravana a letter of apology before I go, for my fumbling words…or maybe, I’ll just try to apologize in person to her again. She just makes me so nervous! Not for the reasons she feels she makes everyone nervous, though now I’m nervous that that is what she thinks…oh dear. I’ll sleep now and think about this tomorrow.
 
Word of the day: mortification