Life, Again.

Let’s get one thing straight. This isn’t a journal. I don’t need a catalogue of my sentimental musings so I can use it as an excuse to justify my bad decisions (and leave a paper trial to them.) Wren’s journal, while adorable, is a sentimental work of fiction that she used to enable herself. A rose colored narrative from a girl that died 15 years ago.
 
To get one thing straight I would still die for that girl. I just wasn't given that as an option. But at least I can go through her journals to try and ̶e̶x̶a̶m̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶ ̶r̶e̶c̶a̶l̶l̶ organize my memories.
 
This book is a statement of facts, written in my own hand.
A fail-safe that I can trust, from the only one I can trust. Just in case my mind again decides to .. wander .. again.
 
It felt just like waking up from a deep sleep, just like Lian said it would. I knew who I was immediately, just like every morning. But her memories were there, right along with mine even though I could feel them happening at the same time as my own. Like they’d been there all along.
 
While trying to describe it the only way I can think of it is Jhin said describing his shadow "it’s like looking at a reflection from really far away."
I know what her thoughts were, and how she felt, but they feel distorted somehow. Like they happened to someone else, only I'm the one remembering it. So it's me, only not. To be honest I always knew I was good but who knew I was capable of long-conning even myself!?
 
At the very least I had my head on straight enough to know to tell her friends I was her. I didn’t know if I should go with Lian into the Lexicon though. I knew that's why I was there, and what I was there to do- but the demon’s notes that Wren read (I read?) kept swirling around. My head that was too full of memories trying to stitch themselves into a new framework of reality... If I was Wren I would justify going in there by saying my brain was busy. But I'm not Wren, anymore anyway.
 
I was hoping whatever power that was in there it would be able to bring Wren back, and right before we entered it I found out that the girl I thought she was, was just me. The schemes, the bugs, the stars, smoke in a bookstore, they were all just me.
 
Of course in retrospect I can say I shouldn’t have agreed to go with him, especially not after I realized he knew about Wren for the entire time he was working with me. What can I say? Maybe a little of her childlike admiration for that sociopath bled into me for a moment after she left. She lived for that man, even when she tried not to, and he didn’t give two shits about her. It's disgusting. Disgusting to think that in a way that was me. Every day, for years, he knew Wren was right there, waiting for her turn. Asshole.
 
 
I was glad to see he didn’t make it out alive. I wish I could have watched. At least something good came out of the whole thing.
I really didn't mean for the rest of them to die. But causing death seems to be my unfortunate ̶d̶e̶s̶t̶i̶n̶y̶ ̶i̶m̶p̶e̶t̶u̶s̶ reality.
 
Kane, Grizztock and Mylier. It is interesting, the way this is playing out in my head. I feel in myself that she felt strongly for them. I know that her time with Kane meant a lot to her, that he made her laugh. I'm thankful to him for that. But I can’t take their deaths on my shoulders, I already have too many, I’m not her. I don’t do that.
 
I do feel badly for Eleonora though. Being the only one who survives, that’s harder than being one of the dead. And I know, I’ve been both.
 
Normally I’d question her sincerity more. She knows the value of gold, and Wren ̶i̶s̶ was, such an easy mark. But watching her drag that coffin all over Riverville, it made the friendship she had with Wren ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶l̶i̶d̶ ̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶r̶r̶y̶ more real. I decided leaving her alone is the best way to ingratiate her to me, and to thank her.
 
The Drowned Widow took us back to Northal. The crew taking the news of their captain with stoic soberness.
 
Back at Wren’s house I fished out her hidden money and threw it at Eleonora. I don’t know if I was thanking her or trying to make her feel bad, but the indignation on her face made me feel better. It was the same look she used to give Wren.
 
Rhea.