Loss

Same story different day. Buta, I couldn't do enough, in the end. You were so strong, always there, always helping however you can, and now, we will never see your smile again. We will never converse again, or share a meal or adventure for the kisjan. Reading your note that Hilde found, seeing how awful the hands were that life gave you, time and time again, makes my heart grow cold. Being abandoned by your family, and then exiled from the people who took you in, left with no options but to seek the patronage of a presumed infernal, how do the masters accept this world. How do the kingdoms and armies sit there, hands under their asses, while good innocent people are dying, suffering, left to their own devices against the massive sweeping influence of the infernals. Worst of all, how did I not learn, I should have done more, I should have supported him better. One would think, after seeing a close friend subjected to the horrors of the infernal influence, they would be more vigilant than this, they would try to be there for others, be more aware, know the signs. I failed Sholeth then, and I failed Buta now, not strong enough, not aware enough.
 
What can I offer, standing so high above my classmates, when I cannot help Buta. I need to do more, I need to be able to provide something, Hilde has said, find yourself. What self, what am I? Sure I can help people, or, thought I could, but that apparently both isn't enough, and I can't do it anyway. People like Kilgore, Hilde, Ohva, they bring joy to peoples lives, they make them smile, they make people feel included, they come up with amazing ideas for things to contribute. I just stand there, and look big. Maybe I spend more time in the trees, the groves in the ring, they calm me, fewer people to let down too.
 
I certainly cannot return to my tribe like this, a failure of the goals I set out to achieve, the number of people who I would lead to their deaths, miss some important sign, not do enough. They would be better off with someone else, someone better. Perhaps I enlist into a rebel force, then at least I die trying to make a change, as opposed to living and doing nothing.
 
I hope Untermauler pulls his head out of his ass, either here, or somewhere else, because as much as I failed Buta, he did too, and he needs to atone for it.
 
Should start preparing for the rest of the exams, probably will fail those too.
 
I am sorry, both Buta, and Sholeth.