Threnody Kilgore
Barbadian of the Dunes Threnody Kilgore (a.k.a. Bardi B.)
Her name is Threnody, aka KILGORE, and despite her names meaning death, she respects life and all its inhabitants and would do anything to protect it.
Physical Description
General Physical Condition
Curvy and muscular, a tall frame, an intimidating stature.
Identifying Characteristics
Golden eyes, a scar across her right eye
Physical quirks
She has a tendency to "shake" herself dry after a bath.
Specialized Equipment
Proficient hunter and tracker. Excellent cook and dancer. Intermediate gardening skills thanks to her mother.
Mental characteristics
Personal history
Threnody was born the oldest of seven siblings and is the only girl. Her mother, Keifa gave birth to her while she and her husband Charn were on the run from Infernals. At risk of being discovered and nearly dying, Keifa named her Threnody, meaning "a beautiful song at the brink of death." Miraculously, they were able to escape undetected.
However, when Threnody was only eight years old, she sensed another Infernal mob nearby while she was picking berries for dinner. Racing back home, she saw her family, now with nine members, rushing to their caravan to flee. She helped her youngest brother, Brax onto the moving caravan, but was unable to make it herself as an Infernal captured her. With no other choice, Charn leaped onto her captor and tore his throat out, only to be covered by more Infernals and murdered while Keifa pulled Threnody onto the caravan. The scream Threnody issued as she saw her father getting murdered sticks with her to this day.
Continuing on the move, Threnody was in a market trading when she saw information regarding Ioth Academy. Knowing that she and her family could use more knowledge in order to survive, she wrote a letter to the academy explaining her past and how her skills were a perfect complement for the magic-based curriculum. She was accepted and placed into the Great Hall for her first three years.
Showing her aptitude for fighting, her bestial nature gave way and sensing that she was losing focus, her teachers and she mutually agreed to a transfer to The Grove, an environment that would remind Threnody why she was there in the first place. Since then, she has dedicated herself to her studies, unwinding with family meals with her friends and dancing for entertainment and morale boosting, even gaining a fan club for her Bardi B persona.
Gender Identity
Threnody identifies as female.
Sexuality
Threnody is demi/pansexual.
Education
Threnody was homeschooled until she attended Ioth Academy.
Employment
To support her family, she often worked as a hunter/tracker for hire as a kid, having been trained by her father before his death.
Mental Trauma
Due to her father's sacrifice, Threnody is constantly pushing herself to be the best, but holds herself back sometimes due to being afraid of failure. Despite knowing that there was nothing she could have done to prevent his death, the survivor's guilt haunts her to this day and has caused her to make very questionable decisions on occasion.
Intellectual Characteristics
In spite of her physical prowess, Threnody has shown an aptitude for elemental magic and calligraphy, the latter especially useful as she loves showing it off to her family when she writes letters to them weekly.
Morality & Philosophy
"Integrity is paramount above all else."
Taboos
Threnody is adverse to using any underhanded tactics to achieve a goal, as integrity is very important to her. She will also turn down any fighting challenges that she feels would contradict these views.
Personality Characteristics
Motivation
Threnody is motivated by her devotion to her loved ones in order to be better for them. She feels that she cannot help anyone unless she is in a position to do so, which explains her constant desire for knowledge and skills. She wants to honor her father's sacrifice the best way she can and that is to enjoy her life.
Likes & Dislikes
Likes:
Cooking, dancing, fighting, hunting, hanging with her friends, her family.
Dislikes:
Racism, classism, dishonorable people.
Hygiene
Threnody's fur smells like flowers thanks to the herb bath recipe her mother provided her.
Social
Contacts & Relations
Best friends and protector of Hilde, especially after her 4th-year transfer to The Grove. Affiliated with the Kisjan despite her general neutral stance on politics (this decision was mainly influenced by the death of her father). Has a minor, somewhat one-sided rivalry with Athalor due to his dishonorable reputation and his classist attitude.
She is also friendly with Meagle, Aoife, and Evamia, the latter she requested as a roommate in Year 4 due to her attempt to tame her normally solitary nature.
Social Aptitude
Threnody is very friendly despite her beastly looks. Her background from a such a large, tightknit family gives her the ability to be comfortable with large groups of people--an ability that has eased any stage fright when it comes to her dancing. She is more than happy to teach what she knows to whomever shows a genuine interest; her competitive nature only shows when she is fighting.
Mannerisms
She tends to snap furiously when she is nervous in order to literally "snap" herself out of it.
Hobbies & Pets
Threnody loves to cook, preferring to cook for others instead of herself due to the large portions she provides. When she isn't cooking, she is reading up on what she can regarding elemental magic, practicing her calligraphy, and dancing. She also enjoys a good sparring match with anyone who challenges her, as she does not consider any opponent unworthy of her time.
Speech
Threnody has a deep, soothing voice that is accented with subtle growling.
Wealth & Financial state
Threnody isn't extremely wealthy, but has sold and traded her hunting acquisitions to allow her family a somewhat comfortable nomadic life. Her mother's traveling garden has provided abundant fruits, vegetables, herbs, and spices for Threnody to sell in markets, along with Threnody's fish and meat.
She much prefers to share what money she does have with others when she has finished taking care of her and her family's needs.
Threnody "Bardi B" Kilgore is the only girl in a family of nine. The brutal murder of her father motivates her to attend Ioth Academy to learn more about magic to complement her natural fighting and survival abilities.
Current Location
Ioth Academy
Alignment
Chaotic Good
Honorary & Occupational Titles
Barbadian of the Dunes
Age
14
Date of Birth
15th of November, 6847
Children
Current Residence
The Grove
Gender
Female
Eyes
Gold
Hair
Reddish-brown
Skin Tone/Pigmentation
Reddish-brown fur
Height
7 ft.
Weight
275 lbs.
Quotes & Catchphrases
"Pow?"
"Let's make some magic!"
"Sit down."
"You are now my prey."
The Unexpected
I haven't slept in days.
I tried, believe me I did. I wrote a letter to my family telling them I was okay, and it was probably the first time I had to lie to them in a long time. I didn't want them to worry. I was there not only for me, but for them, and if I showed any sign of trouble, my mother would immediately send for me. She's a very stubborn beast (exactly where I got it from), and I know she doesn't want to lose another family member to the darkness, whether it be physically or mentally. And I am definitely in the latter portion.
What's extraordinary about everything that's happened is how little I've responded to it. After my battle with Garnet, I admit my willpower was shaken. And this was despite me KNOWING that if I participated in this tournament, that I would be at a complete disadvantage. I came to Ioth to learn magic, as I relied more on my brute strength. After battling Cuper, using only what I had, I had more faith in my abilities. But after encountering Noir? No. It wasn't the same of losing that got to me. It was the shame that I didn't expect my mentality to be so open, so fragile. The idea of being controlled in such a way instilled a terror in me I couldn't even describe. I didn't know how to react.
And with Sven's "betrayal" and the Kisjan fighting to find a leader, I have still decided to fight on in a way I knew how. I found joy in the simple things. I continued to cook. While journeying into the Undercroft with my friends, I was able to mentally store a new recipe for a roast dinner. Instead of barging into battle, I sat back and watched. I listened. And learned. I realized that I didn't have to ALWAYS save everyone, that sometimes you need to watch closely what is happening. Impulsiveness only got me so far, and looking back, I knew I was just blinded by all the insanity that happened so far that I couldn't even begin to figure out how to heal. Truthfully, I don't think I have still.
So again, the simple things. New recipes. New flavors. New magics. I know I may not be nearly as skilled as Garnet or anyone else with her background. But that was the lesson I learned. A rather simple one, really: the best offense is a good defense. I learned more skills and magic in order to defend myself rather than attacking all the time. I admit I feel slightly ashamed as this lesson was the very reason I wanted to attend Ioth in the first place, and I almost forgot about it.
And then something weird happened. I was at my desk, scribbling, the sky darker than ever before. Then I heard the groans. The cries. My heart froze. I calmly took another bite from my plate of meat pies and peeked out my door. I saw Hilde rush towards Aoife's room. I began to follow, but I had a feeling that the same pies I was using to calm my racing brain were gonna be useful here. I stuffed them into a container and made my way out into the hallway.
WHAM. I hit an invisible force and the container flew out of my hand. Thankfully, my pies didn't fall out and I was able to "see" one of my classmates, Slaag, in front of me. Well, it's more like I heard them; they were trapped in the hell that seems to be surrounding me. I comically found their mouth and fed them a pie. They were calmer, but the hell didn't ease. It's as if they were staring down a demon itself, but the drugs prevented them from reacting in any other way than coolly. Close enough. I tried to feed as many people as I could, and yet the nightmare seems to continue. Aoife and Hilde explained to me what happened, and I processed just enough in order to keep helping people. If I got deeper into what happened, if I went there, I would go feral. I have grown tired of these events, tired of everything happening and I just want the apocalypse to just stop toying with us and face us so we can deal with it head on instead of these horrible games.
I'm this close from just letting the rage take over. If it wasn't for the pies, I would have. I should go and find Cuper and see if he has anything...stronger.
The Lessons I Refused to Learn
I nearly gave up yesterday.
I woke up with the bright sun shining in my face, mildly warm from my thick blankets. I struggled to figure out what I was missing as I played with my father's fang at the base of my neck. Maybe I was asking him for guidance, maybe I was asking for his approval. His views on magic were...understandably mixed. But given that magic was what took him from me, I've grown to understand my conflict. I've made my peace that it may never be resolved if I ever want to be better for myself and my family.
When I signed up for the tournament, I initially believed that my purpose was to win. That was my only purpose in any fight. For as long as I lived, every time I had to fight, it was for survival. Nothing else. Sure, I'd spar with my brothers or my friends back home, but it was always practice. People I didn't know, who I had no stake with, they were nothing more than obstacles. Opponents who were in my way of my growth. And I had a respect for them, depending. If they surprised me, I was more excited than scared. The idea of something new and unexpected never frightened me.
At least, when it came to physical combat. Magic is an entirely different beast. A devil I knew little about, other than what it had taken from me.
I hardly underestimated Cuper, my latest opponent. I knew of his erratic, yet rather intriguing personality. He can be sharp and insensitive one moment and extremely thoughtful the next. His constant offerings of sweet-smelling shampoos were endearing, and despite my insistence that I preferred my own concoctions, I realized after our battle, that I needed to open my narrow mind just a little bit more. Especially after my near defeat.
The arena was gorgeous. Despite my not fully recovering from my ordeal with the caretakers, I pushed that aside to focus. I had realized, after seeing the bracket, that I was definitely the underdog here. There were much more insanely talented peers. Incredibly powerful. Incredibly strong in ways I was not. So why was I here? I pledged to use magic solely for my dancing, never to battle. But here I was, breathing in the air of the battle, letting the thick air of anticipation caress my body like a warm blanket. Hilde's new outfit for me at that point was the only thing giving me any comfort. And it hit me.
I could not use my strength here.
Suddenly, as I saw Cuper's multicolored strands glow iridescently in the breeze, I felt cold. I felt powerless. How was I to beat such wits? If I could use my swords, I would have easily gutted him like a trout. Instead, they hung on each hip like ostentatious adornments. Aoife's gift to me was more useful than this. I fingered it to find some solace and instead found determination. That was surprising. What made it even better was hearing Meagle's cry--the cry of my people, my riders. I smiled as I turned and returned the cry, my accompanying fist pump giving me more strength. Cuper and I exchange our witty retorts, Dart issues his greetings.
And we battle.
I felt myself freeze in my stance. I could have cried there. But instead, I fought it. My heart warmed and I remembered my lessons in Spell Matrices and how raw power needed to be harnessed to be effective. And my friends helped me with that power. They helped me feel like a hero. I cast my first spell and the heat surged through me almost immediately. I felt like myself again--this is truly magic in its purest form. I stood, my chest puffed out, my body reaching its full height as I stared at Cuper. I shine like a diamond as I felt the familiar Kilgore take over. I grin, knowing my spell would protect me no matter what happened. Then the alchemist responds to my intimidation by drinking a potion. He bloats, as if he was being filled with a thick juice or something more viscous. I respond by howling. I won't let magic defeat me. Not again.
It looked like it gave him a thicker skin. I lamented again for a moment that I couldn't just gut him like a buffalo to see what was inside. Then I took a deep breath, and decided to take the offense. I had to refrain from using my instincts; something told me that just acting would bring more trouble than it was worth. So instead of closing the gap and attacking, I used the distance as an advantage. And then I heard Hilde's beautiful voice in the crowd. I glanced behind me and saw her handing out Bardi B. trinkets, banners, megaphones--you name it, she did it. I squinted and thought I saw one of my old Numerology papers being used as one of the toys, but I shrugged it off. I had a battle to win.
I move closer to the bloated alchemist. I didn't know how to act yet, but the sound of Cora's vuvuzela blared and then everything came together. I decided to add to the noise. Almost immediately, the intense private training I had with Gulm paid off as I channeled my power into my lightstaff, slamming it so hard into the ground as I casted Thunderwave--a spell near and dear to me and Hilde. I couldn't help but bark loudly with it as the power gave me a shockingly euphoric feeling of ferociousness and strength. The shockwave went throughout the arena. It literally sent Cuper off his feet, and almost immediately he looked unfortunate. He already seemed depressed. He makes a witty remark, acknowledging the damage I've done, yet seemingly unmoved.
Great.
It was then I noticed an open flask in his hand. I briefly imagine a lab coat instead of the juxtaposed Ioth Academy uniform he is currently wearing as the bottle spewed a massive amount of a very thick liquid from its core. It appeared that my attack had loosened the stopper off of it--I had fallen right into his trap. Grease was everywhere--especially on me. It smelled like bacon. I made a mental note to check the kitchen to see if Hilde or Eva had made extra breakfast this morning and whether the kitchen had run out of bacon. All I knew is that I felt heavy, gross, and momentarily distracted. If I didn't do something, this stuff would literally weigh me down. Not only that, I had to move away from the grease, or I could risk falling. I thought back to when Brax had pulled a prank back on me back home, pouring a bucket of molasses on me as I walked into the door. It took two days to get it all out of my fur without ripping it. I didn't speak to him for a week.
So when I felt that this grease was lighter than that, I reverted to my basic instincts. Instead of going prone, I went on all fours and shook my fur violently, sending the grease everywhere and sending Cuper into a panic. I don't think he expected me to react so quickly. And in his defense, neither did I. He screams, "Sorry! I got something that will wash that out!"
I couldn't help but smile on the inside. This was a rather fun opponent. He ran and Hilde cheered. I made her favorite muffins after the battle. I stare at Cuper as he lamented that he should have made the liquid more slippery. He made more distance between myself and him. So that's how he was gonna play it. He was just going to use potions and concoctions to affect the environment and me indirectly. Okay. I could work with this. I heard chewing noises behind me. I was getting hungry. I asked Hilde to save an extra crispy one for me.
I didn't know what else to do. I tried casting another spell, but it didn't work. I grew frantic. I ended up dodging away from Cuper to anticipate his next move. This proved to be a mistake. Now that he knew my plan, he was ready to counter. I braced myself. He took out another flask and a stream of green smoke came towards me. I didn't even have time to react. The stench overwhelmed me and I immediately felt weak and sick. My mind was in shambles. I nearly fell to my knees, but I held. Cuper said, almost coldly, "You're now poisoned."
A deep, guttural feeling of rage and shame came over me as I started to hack and cough, green spittle coming out of my mouth. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," I thought. I had gotten too complacent and paid for it. I tried to cast another spell to mitigate the attack--and failed. I sighed, resigned. I fell to my knees. I didn't want it to be like this. Either way I felt shame--do I give up? Or do I draw out my defeat. I wasn't sure how to win--this was a battle I was not familiar with, and I once again believed my hardheadedness got me in trouble once again. Until:
"You're not down yet!!!! Come on, Bardi B.!!!"
Hilde. Sweet Hilde. Being someone who looks like me, it's very easy for people to forget how we can sometimes be just as insecure and feel just as small as the tiniest fey. The despair I held in my heart almost crushed me. I am sad to admit that I very nearly conceded. My hand was on my sword, ready to place it on the sand below as a symbol of this. Then I remembered Hilde. And I especially remembered my father. He died so I could live. So I could fight on. If I gave up now, his death would be meaningless. I couldn't let that happen. If I was gonna go down, I'm going down swinging.
Weak, I sent another Thunderwave, this time, with a little less feeling. I collapsed. "I'm sorry. I let you all down," I said, thinking it wasn't enough. But to my shock, Cuper couldn't defend. He took the damage. Hilde screams, "Nice move, Kilgore!" but it sounded more like a muffled scream. My head was so clouded and I told her I felt awful. This poison was ruining my concentration.
Then she said, "Don't give up on yourself."
And therein was my weakness. I lost ONE round and I was already willing to quit. What had this school turned me into? Was it because of my recent experience with the caretakers that wore me down? Was it the reemergence of my trauma that weakened my resolve? Perhaps it was both. Maybe I needed time to heal. Or maybe I needed to stop and think about where I was, in the moment, at this time. The lessons I refused to learn echoed in the back of my head, but this time, I allowed them to come forth.
I stood up. I lifted my head high with a small cough. I won't give up on myself.
Cuper then pulled out another vial. Chucked it at me, almost casually. It was a small thing, but knowing him, it was probably one of his more powerful potions. I had to dodge this, or this was going to be the beginning of the end. I closed my eyes, and with all my might, I leaped up in the air and the small vial exploded feet behind me. I landed on my hind legs and let out a sharp exhale. There was still time. "Heh," I said, with a small cough.
But I was running out of time. It would have been easy for me to just cast Thunderwave one last time and be done with it. That's what the old Kilgore would have done. But the problem was that if I did in my condition, I ran the very real risk of missing or not doing enough damage before Cuper provided another attack I couldn't avoid. I had to somehow distract him in order to make my final attack work. And then it hit me. When I danced, I learned a spell that would allow me to play the proper music in the background in lieu of an instrument. It was very handy for impromptu dance lessons. I quietly muttered to myself and those mutters turned into whispers. Then voices. Then shouts. Then a full stampede. I focused the attack on his right side and also roared along with them in an attempt to confuse him. I rallied the crowd behind me, taking the risk of permanently damaging his hearing; a strategy I regret risking, but I had nothing else to lose.
It worked. He started spinning in circles. He didn't know how to handle the cacophony of sounds. I could. I heard them on my excursions every day. Hilde screams "BACON" behind me and I go in for a final attack. I casted Thunderwave one last time and slammed my hands together as I roared at Cuper. Whether I won or not, I was going to give it my all.
And just like that, Cuper starts ragdolling across the arena, his body bounding back and forth. I feared I had seriously hurt him. But I kept going. I was going to have a final hurrah.
It was final, indeed. Cuper was down. I had won.
I couldn't believe it. Dart rushed over with some healing balms and Hilde and Meagle shouted with glee. I smiled and laughed as I saw Antioch rush to Cuper wailing. But at that point, I just wanted to eat. I left with my friends and we had a real feast.
It didn't really hit me until after I woke up this morning that I did something. I beat a rather incredible alchemist with my wits. I pulled a miracle out of my heart and it worked. I had proven to myself and hopefully to my father that magic can be used for good. That it didn't have to be just known for death and destruction. I continued to finger the fang while I write this, so I remember what I've done, what I've accomplished. I face the shadowbringer Garnet next. And while I am unsure of my victory, no matter what happens, I know I have come a long way from just being a fighter.
I was learning to be a real bard. And I cannot wait to learn more.
"Use Your Head"
The first thing my father taught me was "Use your head."
I was puzzled. Use your head? My little mind was confused. I believed hunting was about strength and skill. It was the first time I ever felt anxiety; but I couldn't describe it at the time. It was the first time I thought, "What if I wasn't enough? What if I did something wrong and I couldn't fix it?" At such a tender age, I made a promise to myself that I would never feel that again. If I was strong enough, if I fought with all my might, I wouldn't need to be inside my head all the time.
And I remember the dam breaking when he died. And how I had to put up so many walls in order to quell the floods.
I snapped out of it during Acacius' class. He spoke about magic in a way I didn't believe I could relate to. How it was primal, how it was fundamental in everything. I was easily able to understand, having relied on instincts my whole life. However, I quickly felt shame, as along with Gulm's teachings, I began to realize very quickly that while I wasn't incorrect in trusting my instincts, I had to hone my skills more effectively in order for them to shine. Raw power is dangerous. And today was a bad day because it was one of the days where I felt something I haven't felt in a long time: weakness.
I was asked yesterday rather simply how I was able to create the lights for my dance shows. I stood up, walked to the front of the class, and just...did it. The lights were bright and shone in different colors. For a second, my body immediately wanted to move in their blinking rhythm--until I heard his voice bellow, "STOP." When I opened my eyes, I saw that one of the students was nearly blinded by one of the lights. Acacius pointed out that this was an example of a lack of discipline, that if I kept accessing my magic this way, things would go horribly wrong. The idea that I could hurt someone in this way humbled me. I slunk back to my seat, where Hilde noticed that despite my large frame, I was hunched over, wishing to disappear.
It was in order to fight the feeling of lashing out. Of roaring and even slashing at him. It was terrifying; I had never felt so angry and ashamed at myself in my life. Lack of discipline? I learned nothing but! You had to in order to get food, to get up at the crack of dawn and hunt, to take care of such a large family. I felt insulted and it wasn't until Hilde saw my jowl tremble that I calmed myself down. This wasn't a personal insult. This was a fact. I lacked magical discipline. It was like I said last time I wrote; I was a fighter, not as much as a tactician. So when I went back to my room, I cast it again, but this time, I asked questions.
How did I make these lights? What was the process? I didn't just conjure them out of thin air; my brain had to have done something in order to create these, like a complex math problem that needed to be dissected in order to be solved. Soon, my desk was covered with books regarding probabilities and maths that I never dared consider reading. There were times where I stopped and started again, my attention span being tested more than I ever believed possible. Eva had to gently shake me awake once as I'd fall asleep at my desk studying this. Even while cooking a roast ham and vegetable dinner last night, I was lost trying to figure out the calculations and soon, I felt myself making progress.
Next week, I have to bring my calculations in front of the class and explain in that form how my lights work. While instincts are powerful tools to survive and thrive, it's the discipline and the inquisitive desire to know why that makes it much more important. Don't get me wrong. I am frustrated beyond all comprehension and there have been many times that I wanted to throw my books out of the window. Yet slowly, and ever so surely, I'm starting to understand.
Maybe I can shed this "dumb fighter" trope away after all. Like my father said?
"Use your head."
The Intricacies of Magic
A lot of people look at me and it's fair for them to see me as a brute.
All brawl, no brain. I get it; I've gotten those looks since I was younger. You can't really get by in society, growing at a rapid pace, watching your snout elongate and your height skyrocket in the blink of an eye, without at least some people thinking all you're good for is a fight. And they wouldn't be entirely incorrect. It's what I was born to do. My father raised me as a fighter. He taught me how to track and hunt. And the most important thing is that I was good at it. My weekly haul from the hunts were always fruitful and we never starved, despite the fact that we were constantly on the move.
But when it comes to magic? Clueless. It's why I came to Ioth in the first place. I didn't think such a thing was something I could access. And more to the point, why did I need magic? All magic did was cause my family pain; it took my father from me. Maybe in my head I simply didn't want to touch it because I was scared of what it would do to me. But as I started taking Gulm's class on Spell Matrices, a much more sinister feeling was brewing in my chest.
I soon became worried of what I would do with this power.
My mother raised us well. She taught us the importance of regulating power and skills, to always do the right thing, even if it costs our lives. I don't blame her for teaching this; it's literally what our father did for us, so we could live on. And it's a principle I have held close to my heart, as it never let me down. As long as my conscience was clear, I knew I'd be all right.
Ioth has nearly destroyed that illusion.
Everything is more complex, more complicated. I can't...punch my way out of a situation, as it were. Which is fine, it was a main reason why I was transferred to the Grove. And as always, I went in, head held high, ready for the challenge. But I realized where my power lied. I wasn't so surprised at this; the warmth in my heart that I felt when tapping in was very clear. My source was my heart, the epicenter of everything that I hold dear, my friends, my family, even my enemies who have helped me grow stronger. But how to expel it? What was to be my vessel? I was stuck on this for a very long time until it came to me.
The Bardi B. light.
It was one of the first things that was given to me, by my very first friend, Hilde. How could I not use this as a conduit; it has been a part of me since then. When I channeled the power into it, an intense light glowed from it. I couldn't understand the pattern; I had to ask Gulm to help me. I'm still waiting to decipher this. I never knew I had something like this in me.
So scary and beautiful. I want to understand this more.
Dawn of the Fourth Year
I've been here four years now and the transformation has been extraordinary, even by my own standards.
I miss my mother. Sometimes when I rise in the morning, I smell hints of greenery, the mints, the flowers, the potions she would create from them. The air would be filled with these calming, smoothing scents, and I feel at peace. I then wake up and realize I am at Ioth, far from home, far from the hunting grounds. She would always tell me that I am too young to carry such a burden, that I should be playing with other children and grow into my own. Yet when the Infernals took my father, they took my childhood as well. It isn't something that has bothered me very much. You can't really miss something you never had in the first place. But I don't hold resentment for the loss of innocence; I was named after death itself. Death is my motivator to live.
Death and knowledge.
My transfer to the Grove has provided the latter. My teachers saw my...enthusiasm at the fight club. I couldn't help it; fighting is what I do. But they were correct in assuming that my obsession with battle blinded me from my goals. So with my move to the Grove, I felt more peace. My desperate craving for action since attending Ioth now sated, I find myself returning to the basics, remembering an environment I never thought I'd see for a long time. Meeting Hilde has been a blessing, despite my concern for her conditioning. Her belief in universal transactions has troubled me, as I come from a background of mutual love, care, and respect, without a need nor desire for recompense. Her friendship with Cuan is something that hurts my heart; I don't know everything about their friendship, nor will I pry. Nevertheless, I can't help but think that Cuan is hiding more than it appears and I sense danger. But I cannot act without evidence, as I do not want to destroy my friendship with Hilde.
I admit that despite my success with family meals and dance lessons, I am disappointed that I was not able to settle my score with Athalor. His veneer is awaiting a true beatdown, but I would settle for giving him a noogie, like I did for my youngest brother. I see a lot of Brax in Athalor; a hunger for knowledge, a pompousness that is sometimes unearned, and yet a desire to be more than what he's become. Except my brother is less annoying about it. And isn't classist. If there is something redeemable about Athalor, I may just beat it out of him. One day.
Tonight, I think we'll cook some hearty stew. Hilde has been down lately and needs comfort. And Meagle and Aoife have been very responsive to my food, which warms my heart. It reminds me of how happy my brothers would be when I would bring out the huge pot to the table, their faces ready to gorge so they can continue to grow big and strong.
Hopefully we all can.
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