Vandals

Tribunus Gaius Capiens

Triumphus APS* (Bendon, GZ)

Summer, E5 017

Tribunus Capiens grinned to himself as he looked over the motor pool of his APS. He had no idea how these savages made entire lives in a desert where the air scorched you in the day then froze you in the night, but for the sight before him now, Gaius would gladly brave the heat.

For weeks now local vandals, part of the noxist “partisan” movement, had been sneaking in in the dead of night. While inside, they rarely bothered to steal materiel, injure personnel, or even perform any kind of mechanical sabotage to their equipment. Instead, they simply took spray cans and vandalized everything in the wire.

Gaius and the men would wake up in the morning to find their patrol cars and tanks covered with graffiti (mostly crudely drawn genitalia, with the occasional lovingly rendered detailed phallus), the buildings of the compound covered in messages ranging from threats to simply absurd messages, and the occasional sentry suspended by their undergarments from whatever elevated surface made itself available.

The noxists would cover the Bardonese’s dull red and grey vehicles with neon green drawings in spray paint. Not only would the “people” of Acquisition 5B never take them seriously when their armor looked like the inside of a public bathroom stall, but it also embarrassed Gaius in front of his legate (and even the archlegate!) How could anyone see Gaius for the masterful leader he was if he allowed such vandalism to go unchecked?

This unbelievably petty nonsense forced his men to spend precious hours either scraping the paint off or repainting the entire motor pool until it was presentable again. Eventually, he gave the clever order to simply paint the vehicles in the same neon green. As much as Gaius had thought he’d outsmarted these savages, the decision simply made their armor stick out much more in the Grenzan deserts around them. And then the vandals just started using black paint. Then people had the nerve to say that the tanks destroyed (and crews killed) as a result were his fault! As if the humiliation of the graffiti wasn’t enough!

But not tonight. It seemed the guards had finally shot the vandals like the dogs they were. They didn’t find any crude drawings or obscene messages that morning, and at last, the integration of the Kamerians into the great Bardonese Commonwealth could continue as planned. And more importantly, the integration of pay raises into Gaius’ wallet for keeping his men so shiny.

With one last satisfied puff on his cigar, Colonel Gaius made his way back to the officer’s mess hall. Not only was a proper, hand-made dinner waiting for him, but his lieutenants were waiting for his next masterful move in their game of Profligate.

For a few hours, Gaius played hands with his direct subordinates. Jokes were cracked, anecdotes about the day were told, and a good time was had by all. There had been reports of spray cans being heard, but there was no evidence of graffiti come sunrise. No doubt because the idiots had been using their rattle cans improperly.

But the cherry on top had to be the news of a vandal being shot in the night. The noxist scum’s final words had been “Dicksistance forever!” Whatever THAT meant, it didn’t matter now. Because Gaius was sure this “Dicksistance” had been snuffed out, and their reign of terror had ended.

“What was the name of the caterveer that shot our vandal, Centurion?” Gaius asked, referring to Lucilla by rank rather than name.

“His name was Luco, mi Tribunus.” Lucilla said, being sure to make eye contact as she said so. That was a good girl. Maybe the fourth reprimand was the one that finally sunk in.

Gaius grinned, absolutely thrilled by the fruits of his leadership. “See to it that Caterveer Luco receives a Bronze Horn for that one. A shiny new medal for the man that kept my base shiny!”

“Valde.” Lucilla said, with a sharp nod. An improvement, but Gaius saw her manners weren’t quite perfect yet.

Night was falling by the time dinner ended. The Colonel stepped out for another smoke break. He looked up at the sky, and then down to his base. Hey, that was strange. Some parts of the tanks were brighter than the others now that the sun was setting. It looked like there were patterns, in fact. Almost like…

Legend has it that Tribunus Capiens’ shriek of frustration could be heard all the way in downtown Bendon.

In an instant, two full catervas of his men had assembled, guns drawn and ready to eliminate whatever may have made the Tribunus scream like that.

“Mi Tribunus!” Cried the decanus in charge of the first caterva. “What’s happened to you?”

Gaius’ teeth grit hard enough to break his cigar in half. He didn’t care. “The vandals. They used glow in the dark paint.”

*Ante Pugnam Stationibus (forward combat outpost)