Battle With Thor's Army
Our world has long ago left behind the immature ways of resolving conflicts, such as fighting wars. Still, every once in a blue moon our world may find itself in a conflict with the other worlds of our part of the multiverse, and one of these cases was the recent time where Thor, God of war in his Viking world decided to attack our world. He may have thought we are a defenseless world with no real army, but the perfect organization of our BDSM Army under a capable leader brought our world a victory that seemed almost too easy.
So how did this even start?
To understand what this war was really about, we have to talk about Satan, one of our two Gods. He is by nature a very mischievous God who has no fear or respect for anyone, except his husband and co-creator of the world, Glitter God. He likes to spend his free time trolling the forums and chat rooms that all of the gods of our side of the multiverse like to chat on. He is known as quite a nuisance among other gods, but generally still a harmless troll for the most part. And while many gods are mildly amused by his antics, or at least begrudgingly tolerate him, some gods find him pretty difficult to put up with at times. These are mostly gods of war, known to be on the more hot headed side. Still, they limit themselves to arguing with Satan only on the internet forums or try their best to ignore him because they know he’s not worth their time and energy. He just wants to get a reaction out of them, and they won’t give him the satisfaction.
Despite all this, it was only a matter of time before someone was pushed over their limit, and that someone was Thore, the god of war of his Viking world. He must have had a particularly bad day that day, but seeing Satan try to stir up drama in the god chat room yet again, he decided it was time to put an end to Satan’s bs once and for all. After a bit of heated back and forth with him, Thor declared war on Satan’s world.
So now what?
Satan knew he messed up big time now, but the only thing to do now was to tell Glitter God what just happened immediately if their world was to have any chance to fight back. Glitter God, as furious as he may have been at Satan for involving their world into a war, knew there was no time to waste as well. He had to pick out a leader for his BDSM Army that would be able to gather and organize the army in the shortest time possible. He knew the leader would need to be a fairy, someone smart enough to lead the army, but also aggressive enough to be able to stand up to Thor - god of probably the most feared army in our multiverse at the time. The choice was obvious: only Cereal Killer would be good enough to lead the army into this battle.
Cereal Killer as the army leader
Cereal Killer was a perfect choice for the leader. Known to be unhinged and violet, but also very smart and a faith healer. He's good at chess but also at shit-talking, and is very familiar with how a proper BDSM army is supposed to work. He knows all the proper battle tactics and is well connected with others who are able to help him in leading the whole army. As a fairy, he was extremely devoted to Glitter God, and wasted no time in gathering the fairies and all of the other members of the BDSM army. He took over training the fairies for the chess match - probably the most important part of the battle. Meanwhile, he was able to quickly put his friends in charge of other parts of the army. Nina would lead the dancers, Jure flag the carriers, Tadej the chain rattlers, and Tina was chosen to be the final boss. With all the warriors being gathered so quickly, the intense training for the war could begin, and last for the next few weeks.
The Battle
With the intense preparations that the army went though, the battle was won so easily it was almost disappointing. But that’s really the point - the goal of every war is not to be fought for a long time, but to be resolved as quickly and efficiently as possible. And ending this war and chasing out the enemies as quickly as possible was exactly what Cereal Killer’s plan was.
The army gathered at the World’s Most Giant Chess Board early in the morning. The chess players, chain rattlers, flag carriers, dancers and the final boss all took their positions and waited for the enemy. The enemy’s army came late, which was a first sign that our army was a lot better organized and led than the enemy's army. Not only that, upon arriving the enemy’s army was quite confused by the chess board they came to. It was as if their leader didn’t even know how the proper war is fought, it was actually quite embarrassing. You’d think they’d at least skim over the rules of fighting wars but no. So if this war was based solely on who is the more competent leader, Cereal Killer was already two points ahead.
As for their actual battle tactics, they were obviously extremely underprepared as well. As everyone knows, a true battle starts with both shit-talking each other, but they didn’t seem to be very good at this as well. They were like small children who only rely on brute force to get their way, but lack the wit and sass to break down the enemy emotionally. Of course, Cereal Killer and his army were well prepared for this part. And they didn’t have too hard of a job anyway. They didn’t even need to try to insult the enemy’s army’s intelligence, they were very obviously just uncivilized brutes, not knowing something as simple as the rules of chess. Of course, they wouldn’t even know how to decide on a player for each piece. But no matter, it wasn’t very hard to shame them into submission, before even the chess game would start. I’m afraid to even think how they would do in the dance battle, so they should be lucky to get out of this so quickly, before having to endure any more shame. They were left with no choice but to leave before even the shit-talking part was properly finished.
Actually, it’s not that our army was that spectacularly well organized or that Cereal Killer was that fantastic leader, the thing of this war was that the enemy’s army turned out to be surprisingly incompetent and poorly organized for an army that was supposed to be one of the best in our multiverse.
The Aftermath
This war was resolved pretty quickly and easily, so there really were no significant consequences for our world. Winning the battle did gain Cereal Killer absolution of his many other sins, and everyone who participated in the battle was awarded 15 extra years to their lifetime. This was a pretty sweet deal, but the real victory wasn’t chasing the army out of our world - what we really achieved became apparent only a day after the battle.
You see, the warriors of the viking army are preparing for their next battle in a place called Valhalla, but there’s a catch. Warriors may only enter the sacred halls of Valhalla if they died a brave and honorable death in the battle. But since there was no real batlle, and no one actually died in the war with our world, non eo the warriors were allowed back into Valhalla, which means the Viking army is now effectively disbanded. How this will end and whether the vikings will be able to form a new army; we don’t know and it’s not really our problem. The important thing to note is that they lost the title of the most formidable army of our multiverse. Instead, this title was awarded to our own BDSM Army. Surely now any other gods or worlds in the multiverse will think twice before attacking us.
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