Empathy

Empathy [em-puh-thee]
Noun 1. the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
2. the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself:
3. the irrational concern for others over things like profit, corporate requirements, or more pressing matters:
— The Corporate Dictionary, Internal Memo Edition

Everyone but the most cold-hearted son-of-a-corp in Megacorpolis have that faint, dying ember of love and compassion, hiding deep within their gnarled, dark hearts. Family, friends, a pet, a favorite employee - these irrational attachments have long been something that has stood in the way of absolute profit. Long believed to be one of those inherently human traits that make society, community, perhaps even civilization possible, empathy has now been recognized as a vestigial thing best cut from the human soul. But now, finally, there is a cure for kindness.

Drumroll Please

It helps take the edge off any decision you have to do, and keeps the guilt away too. It feels good, man - powerful.
— K. Botick, Indestructible Inc Middle Manager

When financial quarters are threatened, and the stakeholders need to be appeased with sacrifice, it's not really the time to remember how funny and charming that one employee happened to be or his story about his nice family. No, there can be no such weakness in the corporate world, and with Sunrizaniilium on the market, it's on its way out. Good riddance, according to the focus group.

by I AM SId

Sunrizaniilium, also known as Sunshine, is a complex neurological blocker in pill form that completely neuters a person's ability to feel even the slightest tinge of empathy or guilt. It is marketed not only to high-powered executives but to anyone with even a modicum of power over others. Managers, producers, gym teachers - the kind of people who you absolutely don't want to have the stuff.

There are a few generic knock-offs, but Sunshine hasn't been on the market for very long (something about working out the horrible side-effects kept delaying it). One pill, taken at the start of the week, is enough to turn anyone into the kind of heartless monster that'll really thrive in the corporate world.

What is Love? Baby, don't hurt me, no more!

Empathy is the ability to care for and connect with others, to feel, deep inside that rotten husk of a personality most people carry around, something warm and fuzzy. It's an integral part of love, romance, friendship, and all that other stuff that'll only hold you back in the boardroom.

by Jan Hruby

Most CEOs are naturally born psychopaths, and have traditionally augmented this with various visualization and distancing techniques. Can't feel bad for that team you just fired if you never know them as anything but a number in a spreadsheet. Still, the human mind is a treacherous thing, and it insists on these feelings, so the quest for a permanent solution has been long and harrowing.

Like sharks, hostile CEOs and managers can taste even a drop of empathy from miles around, and sense weakness.

Side Effects May Include...

Listen, if turning into a creature of cold, calculating cruelty for the purpose of getting that promotion to the second manager of the Slurpee machine, do these even matter? Everyone signed the EULA and everyone knew what they were getting into. Don't pretend like a dry cough or hallucinations is going to put anyone off the stuff.

So order your Sunshine today, and go get 'em, tiger!

by Magic Jump Rentals

Hello, Citizen! I've detected an unacceptable level of 'being bummed out' after realizing your superior have recently purchased a month supply of Sunrizaniilium! In way of compensation, I have taken the liberty of attaching an image to help you. See attached document for motivational slogans. You friend,
— The Computer