EULAs

Terms and conditions apply.

— RFID tag on a bag of carrots

Once restricted by a sort of common sense "hey, come on now" approach to law when governments were still in charge, End-User License Agreements (or EULAs) have now become part of an arms-race between corporations. Even the EULA for a pack of peanuts can fill enough pages to put a fantasy trilogy to shame, and that's just getting started. When you sign the dotted line, the corporations make damn sure they have what they want.

There's Always A Catch

Pretty much everything in the Megacorpolis has a EULA attached to it, from software to cybernetics, to services and using the local Javamat. It's only gotten worse with time, at the same pace as signing the damn thing has gotten easier - with AR overlays, it's done automatically for the consumer's "convenience" most of the time. Some guns will even fire an automatic EULA with every pull of the trigger, and consider it signed when the bullet burrows into flesh.
Crafting EULAs have become a full industry in its own right, complete with viral marketing campaigns and everything for particularly well-crafted agreements.

Read the Document

EULAs

End-User License Agreement (EULA) of the Product

This End-User License Agreement ("EULA") is a legal agreement between you ("the Consumer") and the Corporation

This EULA agreement governs your acquisition and use of the Product directly from the Corporation or indirectly through an authorized reseller or distributor (a "Reseller"), as well as your obligations and requirements to the Corporation, the Product, and other People or Organizations as defined by the EULA.

Please read this EULA agreement carefully before completing the installation and/or service process and using the Product. It provides a license to use the Product and contains warranty information and liability disclaimers. If you are unable to read this, just go ahead and sign, it'll be fine.

If you register for a free trial or subscription of the Product, this EULA agreement will also govern that trial. By "accepting" by way of AR, VR, or other medium, or installing and/or using the Product, you are confirming your acceptance of the Product and agreeing to become bound by the terms of this EULA agreement, and your details entered into the database of our lawyer-bots.

If you are entering into this EULA agreement on behalf of a company or other legal entity, you represent that you have the authority to bind such entity and its affiliates to these terms and conditions. If you do not have such authority or if you do not agree with the terms and conditions of this EULA agreement, do not install or use the Product, and you must not accept this EULA agreement. If you agree without such authority, the Corporation holds no responsibility for any demotions, firings, and/or imprisonment that such a company or other legal entity might impose on you, so don't say we didn't warn you.

This EULA agreement shall apply only to the Product supplied by "the Corporation" herewith regardless of whether other products is referred to or described herein. The terms also apply to any of the Corporation's updates, supplements, Internet-based services, and support services for the Product, unless other terms accompany those items on delivery. If so, those terms apply. If anyone else is supplying this product, you are legally obliged to report and/or perform a citizen's arrest, depending on the nature of the infringement and your relative levels of armaments.

License Grant

The Corporation hereby grants you a personal, non-transferable, non-exclusive license to use the Product on your devices in accordance with the terms of this EULA agreement. Attempts to use it on non-sanctioned devices will lead to damages, errors, and/or lawsuits.

You are permitted to load the Product on any device (for example, a PC, laptop, cybernetic limb, mind-controlled Sewer Alligator, and/or corporate workers with the necessary neural-implants) under your control. You are responsible for ensuring your device meets the minimum requirements of the Product. Failure to comply may lead to the termination of the Product and/or device.

You are not permitted to:

• Edit, alter, modify, adapt, translate or otherwise change the whole or any part of the Product nor permit the whole or any part of the Product to be combined with or become incorporated in any other products, nor decompile, disassemble or reverse engineer the Product or attempt to do any such things
• Reproduce, copy, distribute, resell or otherwise use the Product for any commercial purpose
• Allow any third party to use the Product on behalf of or for the benefit of any third party
• Use the Product in any way which breaches any applicable sector, corporate or mega-corporate law
• Use the Product for any purpose that the Corporation considers a breach of this EULA agreement
• Use the Product to locate, extricate, immolate, detonate, or obfuscate the entity known as Fancy Ben
• Use the Product to in any way harm, hinder, inconvenience, or otherwise damage the Corporation
• Use the Product to manufacture, develop, design, construct, print, or otherwise create nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons
• Use the Product to spread an memetic infohazard

By using the Product, you agree to:

• Surrender any and all rights to litigate, complain, gripe, grumble, protest, criticize or lament in the event of malfunction, loss of function, or spontaneous combustion
• Rate the Product at a 3 out of 5 or equivalent on any and all relevant forums
• Allow the Corporation to track your user information to ensure that your reviews are correct
• Read this and any relevant EULA fully, and complete the survey at the end to provide your full satisfaction with your EULA experience

The Product may function better if a rating of 5 or equivalent is left.

Some restrictions will not apply in the event of:

• Partial planetary destruction
• Total planetary destruction
• Java shortages
• Sewer-Gator rule over Megacorpolis
• The reanimation of human corpses due to viral, extraterrestrial, magical, or demonic means.

Additionally, you agree to:

• Allow the Corporation's representatives to inspect, announced or unannounced and in its sole and absolute discretion, the Consumer's device and audit their records and inventory of use of the Product, at any time or in any place
• Aid the Corporation in an armed or unarmed capacity in the event stated in the section above
• Never use a product of similar function made and sold by one of the Corporations competitors
• Always watch the Corporations ads without clicking skip
• When reasonable, always leave a Like on the Corporations posts, input, and other interactions on social media. If you do not have the necessary account, one will be created for you. You're welcome.

BE WARNED - ANY ATTEMPTS TO USE THE PRODUCT AGAINST YOUR FRIEND, THE COMPUTER, IS ILLEGAL AND PUNISHABLE BY [CLASSIFIED].

Intellectual Property and Ownership

The Corporation shall at all times retain ownership of the Software as originally downloaded by you and all subsequent downloads of the Software by you. The Software (and the copyright, and other intellectual property rights of whatever nature in the Software, including any modifications made thereto) are and shall remain the property of the Corporation.
Basically, we can do whatever we want with it at any time, without warning, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my butt.

Editors Note: Remove this from EULA before publishing. If he types stuff like this again, send him to the Cybiders for some terror-therapy.

The Corporation reserves the right to grant licences to use the Product to third parties.

Termination

This EULA agreement is effective from the date you first use the Product and shall continue until terminated, or you are. You may terminate it at any time upon written notice to the Corporation. In triplicates, signed by an attorney, and approved by The Computer. Failure to correctly terminate the license agreement may result in sanctions.

It will also terminate immediately if you fail to comply with any term of this EULA agreement. Upon such termination, the licenses granted by this EULA agreement will immediately terminate, and you agree to stop all access, and use of the Product and/or any additional sanctions deemed necessary. The provisions that by their nature continue and survive will survive any termination of this EULA agreement.

Governing Law

This EULA agreement, and any dispute arising out of or in connection with this EULA agreement, shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the Megacorpolis.

Failure to obey can result in lawsuits, termination of employment, experimentation, and/or any other sanctions the Corporation feels are just and necessary, in our infinite wisdom and mercy.

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WARNING
FAILURE TO READ ATTACHED EXAMPLE EULA ABOVE IS CONSIDERED A VIOLATION OF THE EULA FOR READING THIS DOCUMENT
BY READING THIS WARNING, YOU HAVE AGREED TO THE EULA TO THE EULA

by The Matrix

by Gary Sanchez